Are you sinking or surfing?

If you scroll through my blog posts by date, you can get a glimpse into the ebb and flow of how I experience Bipolar II Disorder. Merely looking at the months with no posts reminds me of my darkest days. I am sure if I looked deeper, that I would see how the quantity of posts each month are directly correlated to my shift in mood.

My waves are not rhythmical in the sense that there is not a pattern of duration or time of year. Sometimes there is a storm and the waves come in quick and fast and other times the seas are calm with gently rolling peeks.

I experience depression as a gradual decline that can last one month or half a year. My swings upward that can go into hypomania tend to have a shorter duration than the low points yet also have a varying duration of time.

As I write this, I am listening to my Morning Writing Time playlist and Fight Song by Rachel Platten plays. In case haven’t read any of my other blogs, I have a spiritual connection with music and songs that show up in my life are more than timely.

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong (I’ll be strong)
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

Rachel Platten, Fight Song

My youngest child was online for her OCD therapy session yesterday and she asked if she had ever been on a roller coaster, looking for a metaphor as a method for engaging in ERP therapy. I thought about her experience in a wave pool and how it pulled her under but she came back up. And from that, we found an analogy for her to use.

With ERP, Exposure Response Prevention therapy you sit with the uncomfortable feeling rather than engaging in the compulsion in order to retrain you brain to realize nothing terrible will happen despite the obsessive thought that it is a life or death situation. Having a method for riding out the anxiety with a change in thought pattern rather than a compulsive action or aversion response is the key to overcoming OCD. Her therapist suggested she picture the rope in the wave pool that you can hold on to in order to ride out the waves. Holding on to the rope knowing the rope will keep her from going under and that the waves will eventually cease or diminish.

I have used this same analogy of water when I speak about the depression I experience. It can feel like waves crashing and pulling you under. I bob up from the water long enough to catch my breath yet I am pulled under once again. Sometimes I can even hold onto a life raft for a while yet I still feel stranded in the middle of the ocean. At times, I can see the shore and can swim close to it but not quite reach it and other times land is no where in sight.

I wash up on shore often by chance or because I was able to swim in that direction and can stand up and dance on the beach. I enjoy the beach and soak in the sun and enjoy the splashing of water on my feet. I step into the ocean to feel the waves crash against me enjoying the thrill and then walk back to shore and off the beach to explore the boardwalk.

I can return to the beach and enjoy the water and splash in the waves but I never know when a wave will pull me under and how long I will struggle against the current and if I will be able to swim back to shore or slowly wash up on the beach again.

I am at the point in my journey with overcoming and managing this condition that exists within my body, where I am able to step back and see the process and how it has manifested in my life. I choose to not call myself, bipolar, because I am not my disorder and neither are you! The other aspect I am working on is not stating, “I suffer with bipolar II disorder”. Declaring to the universe that “I suffer” only created more suffering.

Riding the waves is part of life for all of us and is exaggerated with depression and bipolar disorder as well as many other conditions.

I close out this year with the intention to embrace the ebb and flow of life. I choose to pay attention when I am surfing on top of a powerful wave so that I do not ride so far out into the ocean that I lose sight of the shore. I will remind myself when I feel the water pulling me under to turn over and float on my back and not resist the current because that will only bring me further under.

My wish for everyone is to find their own balance between sinking and surfing.

Today: May 17, 2020

My office

It’s taken me 5 months to sit down and write again. I have created this cozy coffee house writing space in my basement. I have everything I need, a comfortable chair, my ipad and Bluetooth keyboard, iPhone and wireless earbuds. Water is heating in the tea kettle on the stove so that I can make a chai tea latte.

My cats run and play. Shadow darts down the stairs and jumps in to the hammock we created, hiding from his sister, ready to pounce when she returns. Sunshine is no where to be found…

Life ebbs and flows

March 26 the governor declared a state of emergency and issued a shelter in place order. The corona virus had arrived in the US and fear set in across the country. The virus was spreading rapidly and people were dying. COVID 19 became a daily headline.

I suddenly had increased hours at the nursing home where I work on an as needed basis. The following weeks, I had no hours. The facility locked down, limiting new admissions, limiting the therapy caseload, limiting the need for additional therapists.

Hope

I discovered that even part time employees can collect unemployment. New federal funding and orders also now made it easier for individuals to receive unemployment due to reduced hours from corona virus. It was not so easy to get an account set up but a week later, I had one and then waited. Four weeks later, I received my first unemployment check and then I figured out how the system worked and what was required to qualify for unemployment each week. Every state has different requirements and different maximum weekly distributions. NC is one of the lowest.

North Caroline is beautiful with mountains and beaches and bass-ackwards when it comes to government programs and policies

The Times They Are A-Changin’

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won’t come again
And don’t speak too soon
For the wheel’s still in spin
And there’s no tellin’ who
That it’s namin’
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin’

Life will never be the same

We hear this phrase often now. I have said or thought this many times in my life during the many challenges my family has experienced. Yet, each day is a new experience and so the happenings of the prior day, render life Different.

I am both saddened and amused seeing adds on tv showing people connecting more… Parents teaching children at home, parents working from home, families spending more time together. I shake my head and wonder why it has taken a pandemic to get people to prioritize relationships and spend more time connecting.

My family has lived this way for a long time. My husband works from home and has since we decided to start a family. We have been homeschooling our children their entire lives. My husband and I have been growing a business together helping families… to connect.

Connection. And Balance

I have friends on both sides of the fence. Regarding this pandemic and government regulations and controls. We want to protect people and reduce deaths and we want the freedom to live our life. The dichotomy has contributed to the divisiveness that has been growing in the US. My personal.belief encompass both philosophies. And I wonder, why does it have to be one way or the other?

Some might say, you can’t have both.

I am hear to challenge the idea that we have to be on the side of Personal freedoms OR on the side of saving lives.

I have been concerned from day One about restrictions. I work with the elderly and confining them to their room in a nursing home or an assisted living facility can have a negative impact on their health. And keeping seniors in their homes can be detrimental to their health. Yet, these are the very people who are most at risk for complications from the virus and who suffer a higher mortality rate.

Are we merely delaying the inevitable spread of this disease?

I believe in boosting our natural immune system to fight illness and maintain health. The naturopathic medicine philosophy has been a part of my life and my immediate family for many years. Breastfeeding is the best way to begin building our immune system and far more effective than any vaccine. My younger two children never had an ear infection. I have been so much healthier since embracing this philosophy, including improving my diet and using foods to boost my immune system.

How do we allow for the freedom to live our life and protect the vulnerable population, minimize their risk for serious illness and death.

If we all followed a naturopathy philosophy of health, would a quarantine be necessary? Allowing personal freedoms means allowing people to make their own choices when it comes to their health, even if it means they choose things that diminish their physical health. We all choose things that are not in our best interests at some time in our life. We are human and living in this physical experience.

What if we looked at this pandemic from a spiritual perspective?

I think we might label it in a different way then by calling it a pandemic. From a spiritual perspective we could refer to this time as…

The time we became so wrapped into our physical expression of our body that we both lost sight of our higher purpose and also reconnected with our inner selves

It needs a shorter title, or does it?

We live in a culture of quick fixes, instant responses and fear inducing headlines.

From a spiritual perspective, I can see that I still have the freedom to live and be who I am even within the restrictions on entering the community. I can be my true self despite the government regulations and control. Yet, when I think of parenting and raising children, I see it differently. As adults, this is only a small period of time in our life but for our children, this is their childhood. How they experience life has an impact on how they develop and limiting their experiences can have a detrimental affect on their mental health.

Any drastic change, sudden change or disruption to our routine can have a detrimental affect on our mental health, for all of us, no matter our age. It can and does also impact our physical health as well as our mental health in a cyclical manner.

I invite you to share your perspective. I challenge you to find a blending of the needs of personal freedoms and protecting the vulnerable. Please share. I would love to revisit this idea with the input from others. Respond in comments or feel free to private message me if you prefer to be anonymous.

I leave you with these thought provoking lyrics as you contemplate. These words are even more powerful listening to Kenny Loggins sing them:

Where are the dreams that we once had?
This is the time to bring them back.
What were the promises caught on the tips of our tongues?
Do we forget or forgive?
There’s a whole other life waiting to be lived when…
One day we’re brave enough
To talk with Conviction of the Heart.
And down your streets I’ve walked alone,
As if my feet were not my own
Such is the path I chose, doors I have opened and closed
I’m tired of living this life,
Fooling myself, believing we’re right, when…
I’ve never given love
With any Conviction of the Heart
One with the earth, with the sky
One with everything in life
I believe we’ll survive
If we only try…
How long must we wait to change
This world bound in chains that we live in
To know what it is to forgive,
And be forgiven?
It’s been too many years of taking now.
Isn’t it time to stop somehow?
Air that’s too angry to breathe, water our children can’t drink
You’ve heard it hundreds of times
You say your aware, believe, and you care, but…
Do you care enough
To talk with Conviction of the Heart?

Many thanks to Bob Dylan, Kenny Loggins, Azlyrics, YouTube, and to all of you who read and share my posts.

November 1, 2019 Part1: the waiting is the hardest part

Neale Donald Walsch had CABG surgery on this very day 3 years ago.

I learned that from a Facebook friend who I recently connected with on a more personal level when I learned she created a curriculum based on NDW Conversation with God books.

“Nothing happens in the first hour”, the cardiac surgery Nurse practitioner told me yesterday.

Don went to ER about 6:30 for his 7:15am surgery. To have a triple coronary artery bypass graft. CABG x3.

It is now 8:06 am

It is now 8:10am

My oldest woke up and my youngest was on discord on the server so I saw she was awake and so I got to text with them and also my sister-in-law.

I choose a “daily mix 1” for my music this morning.

Music is my meditation.

The randomness of playing songs that I did not specifically chose is how the universe speaks to me, how God speaks to me, how my angels speak to me, how my loved ones speak to me, both those here on this earth and those beyond.

For some reason the internet is is frozen and my song won’t play and the messages I just sent to a few people are stuck in mid- stream

Maybe it is time for me to be in the quiet…

The quiet of a surgical waiting area… with 18 people in it.

I am still surprised how small this waiting area is for the size of the hospital.

My dad had back surgery at the other local major hospital and the waiting room felt more like an airport waiting area. Now that I say that out loud… I guess smaller can be better. I just wish they had a soft reclining chair for me to sit in.

I can leave the waiting area. They have my phone number and will call me with updates. I kind of hope that i get an update from a person from the surgical team and not just the receptionist. They do that on Grey’s Anatomy.

Code blue on coronary care unit, 6th floor.

That is where Don was 8 1/2 years ago. The CCU

He won’t need the CCU this time.

Now they are canceling the code blue.

Sending love and healing to the CCU and their family members.

I am now chatting with my 10 year old via text. Handling OCD and anxiety when mom and dad are not home is an added challenge but my child is rising to the occasion.

The waiting room gets busier and I will be talking more with my kids and family and friends.

I am empowered to write in the moment and this is one of those life changing moments.

The anesthesiologist told us that he will heal faster because he is young and that things should go very well and he is low risk for any complications from anesthesiology.

We found out Don’s family had no problems with anesthesia in their past. Genetic factors play a part in all of this.

For Don’s coronary arteries, genetics plays a HUGE part.

Never smoked, never overweight, rarely drinks,

Eats healthy…well he has improved his diet greatly over the years… he did have his fried apple pie and coke breakfast phase in his 20s. He didn’t meet me until he was 34 and so his diet improved at age 34.

Here we are.

It has been a long journey since May 4, 2011 when we first learned, the hard way, that he had heart disease.

it is 9:06 am. 1 hour ago, they told me surgery had started.

I guess 7- 8 was prep time. I am not sure what is considered the “start of surgery”

My playlist plays:

• Along Comes a Woman from Chicago 17….I love Peter Cetera
• John Denver..we both love John Denver
• Fleetwood Mac .. Monday Morning (today is Friday.. but Fleetwood Mac!)

And now…

• Longer by Dan Folgelberg
• I”ll Be Around by Carly Simon

Call me crazy, but I believe Don is speaking to me through songs.

I believe we can connect on a spiritual level while he is sedated, under general anesthesia…right now.

I heard him speak to me 8 years ago…in this very hospital, through song

Not sure about this one!

• Slip Slidin’ Away, Paul Simon.. Don’s sense of humor is what lets me know he is ok

We have been together for 25 years and our kids are growing up… the years are moving forward.

This waiting area needs an exercise room, with yoga mats.

I need to create that for all waiting areas.

Who want to sit in an arm chair for hours?

Maybe the orthopedic surgeons set this up, to have back surgery patients…just kidding

I did my stretches and yoga positions anyhow…

Sun salutation with my headphones on

As I swing my hips to the music and mouth all the words…

Harrison is heading to the house and will then be heading here.

It will be good to have my oldest, nearly 22 year old son with me for the rest of this time and for the post op parts. For when we see dad slowly wake from anesthesia.

Someone in scrubs comes in to talk to a a family and I get hopeful

“I want to break to free”

“God knows I want to break free”

“I have fallen in love.”

“I have fallen in love for the first time and this time it’s for real”

Don knows how much I love Queen.

Meet Don

Born October 5, 1958 in St. Louis, MO

Born to Regina and Harold Grothoff

The sixth child born in the family and the last born, the baby.

Don is 61 years old today as he undergoes his first surgery in his life.

Triple Coronary Artery Bypass Graft, CABG x3

Warning: graphic description ahead…

His chest is cracked open at his sternum

They have spread his ribs apart and…

And Lobo sings, “I’d Love You to Want Me”

I forgot about this song.

I love this song.

His blood is run through a heart lung machine

And they stop his heart….

…they induce cardiac arrest

My heart stops remembering when his heart stopped in our living room

Or went into abnormal fatal heart rhythm as it desperately tried to keep him alive..

“Do you want to dance” by Bette Miller

I have never heard this song before.

Don and I love to dance

I am eager to hear the next song and want to rush through them.

I resist

My oldest sends me a picture of our outside guard cat preventing him from parking in my parking space in our driveway.

“Everything I Own” by Bread

Don is dreaming of bread, full of gluten… real bread…and so am I

I tried to research CABG procedure because I am pretty sure he goes on a heart and lung machine… but wanted to be sure before I added that description

People get called up to speak with surgery team members, people wearing scrubs including scrub hats

Families get brought into “consultation rooms”

I sit, knowing it will be awhile.

I hear a surgeon speak to a woman in the waiting area.

Does that mean they only take people to consultation rooms if it’s bad news?

Or does it just mean that this surgeon didn’t take the time to bring her to a consult room.

Or maybe he had a simple procedure.

“Oklahoma Hills ” Argo Guthrie sings in my ear

Oklahoma?

OK

Does this mean Don is ok?

“Cowboy life”

That makes me laugh…

Don as a cowboy

“Love, soft as an easy chair. Love shared by two… I have found with you.”

Barbara Streisand?

Pretty song… yet, are they playing elevator music in the operating room?

Surely not…

Humor… going with humor again

People come and go in the waiting room.

I sit and wait.

I look around and see different people then when I arrived 3 hour ago.

Three hours? Is it really almost 10am ??

There are a few people who have been here almost as long as me.

Where is Harrison?

I need him here when they come to update me.

He hasn’t answered my texts since our discussion of our guard cat.

He is doing the dishwasher now and then will head here

I asked him, last night, to do that.

This morning, I don’t really care about the dishwasher getting unloaded…

But with our clogged sink… it helps …I guess.

Let the roads be free and clear for his safe travel here.

“Did you grab and apple and a fig bar from the pantry?” I ask him again.

I paid over $5 for water this morning. Buy one 20oz bottle and get the second for $1.

So I paid $4 for a bottle of water?

Oh my…

There is the Mediciad application that I really need to fill out for the kids.

As of today, my two kids have no health insurance because I “make too much money”

I got the letter from NC MEdicaid/ NC Health Choice one month before I lost nearly all of my hours at work. I went from 30-40 hours per week all summer to a week of 0 hours. My next paycheck will be about $500 for 2 weeks. I was called off for many days that I had signed up for and lost all my regular weekend hours. I have worked nearly every Saturday and Sunday for them for the past 1 1/2 years… It is not the company per se… it is healthcare, sick care…

She walked over to me this time, with a smile on her face!

I quickly removed my ear buds and she told me,

“They called to let you know that he is still in surgery, and everything is…..

……going as planned.

Phew….

Frantically, I text the groups of people who I am updating.

…First Harrison,

….And then Text messages to Don’s siblings

….and messenger message to my sibling and my parents

“Song song sung blue… sleeping on my pillow”.

I need to move around.

Been sitting too long

Hey everybody, lets do some yoga!

Time to get out of your chairs and move!

Sitting still is not good for you.

We could dance! I will pull up a play list…

Just heard the lyrics….

“Got my man on my mind…”. Carly Simon was singing the song Man on My Mind

More messages.

“Hello girl it’s been a while. Guess you’ll be glad to know that I have learned how to laugh and smile.”

Paul Davis, I Go Crazy

“When I look in your eyes, I still go crazy. My heart just can not hide that old feeling inside.”

I am eager to talk to Don to see if he remembers anything from his slumber time.

Harrison is on his way.

I continue to debate ending this post vs continuing until they are finished with surgery.

And the battery on my Bluetooth keyboard falls out again. I lost the back to the battery area in the hustle of the past 4 days.

Four days…

Life changed late Monday night… It was after midnight, Tuesday Oct 29, when I went up to bed and Don told me:

” I don’t feel right. I have pain in my chest and I am feeling tingling across my shoulders and down my arm.”

Authority Song

John Mellencamp

“Dying to me don’t sound like all that much fun”

Time to get up and move.. this is a dancing song

“Said, Oh no… no no no”

“I fight authority and authority always wins”

Now I am laughing more. Don resists western medicine and yet here he is.

New song

“Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe…

And to love you…”

My butt is sore… I missed dancing with Mellencamp.

Move, Gina.

Right here, write now…I live

I write because I must

I write for my own healing

I write to share my experiences

I write hoping my experiences might help others

I write because writing is how I figure out my feelings

I write because it is my creative outlet

I write because it is my passion

I write for my sanity

I awoke about 3am

Peri-menopause

Bipolar 2 Depression

Parenting

Children with special needs

Just when we thought we had a grasp on their needs….

Just when we thought we had an understanding of how to best help them…

Anxiety

Public speaking anxiety

Today my husband and I are giving a short presentation for 40-50 people

I secretly hope only 10 show up, despite my desire to grow our new business

I try to explain my fear to someone who loves and lives for public speaking

“It’s is like being in a room with 40-50 snakes”, I tell my husband.

I don’t know that he can really understand

Only those who experience something themselves can truly understand

…Any issue, challenge, fear, experience

Parenting

My greatest love

My greatest challenge

Myself

Dealing with the demons in my mind,

Dealing with my anxieties,

Taming my “ego” the nay-saying voice that keeps me from being who I truly am

Embracing where I am

Embracing who I am

Being who I am

Right here and right now

Dreaming

Envisioning

Manifesting

Creating

The grandest vision of the greatest version of who I am

Hope when you take that jump
You don’t fear the fall
Hope when the water rises
You built a wall
Hope when the crowd screams out
They’re screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love
And it hurts so bad (Yeah)
The only way you can know
You gave it all you had
And I hope that you don’t suffer
But take the pain
Hope when the moment comes,
You’ll say

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
Yeah with every broken bone
I swear I lived

I’d like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony

Hope that you spend your days
But they all add up
And when that sun goes down
Hope you raise your cup
I wish that I could witness
All your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes
I’ll say

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
Yeah with every broken bone
I swear I lived

I’d like to teach the world to sing

Thank you, One Republic, for writing and singing this amazing song.

Changes in Healthcare, Changes in Me

Twisted Sister sings to me as I research the history of changes in rehabilitation services under Medicare. The more I research, the more validation I am finding in my experience and opinions. And the more I feel the importance of speaking out…

We’ve got the right to choose it

There ain’t no way we’ll lose it

This is our life, this is our song…

I have worked in the “health care system” for over 27 years, known to many of my like-minded friends as the “sick- care system”.

My career has been taken over by government entities who have changed the reimbursement system for skilled therapy services for the second time in 20 years.

The insurance industry is the one who runs the show and now decides how long the patients need therapy services.

When I began my career, after graduating from a certified and well respected Occupational Therapy program at Elizabethtown College, part of my role as an evaluating therapist was/is to determine the need for skilled Occupational Therapy, set goals, monitor progress, and determine when there is no longer the need for skilled services.

I now have very little say in how long someone receives therapy services in adult and geriatric rehab under Medicare Part A services, at skilled nursing facilities where most of short term rehabilitation now happens.

Twenty-seven years ago, physical rehabilitation began at rehabilitation hospitals. Now, most people can no longer head from the hospital to an acute care rehab hospital, as the changes in PPS in 1999/2000 changed the criteria for admission to acute rehabilitation facilities pushing people to go for rehabilitation at nursing homes, with the new tittle of “sub acute rehab”.

Why did this happen?

From my perspective as an Occupational Therapist who has been practicing for 27 years and has lived through these changes, the mighty dollar has taken higher priority than quality patient care.

Sure, the people involved in establishing these changes, the branch of government now known as The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, CMS, including the head of the organization who is appointed by the president, would argue that it is to stop fraud and to improve patient care.

On November 29, 2016, President-elect Donald Trump nominated Verma to serve as administrator of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, the Health Department agency that oversees Medicare, Medicaid, and the insurance markets.^[16] On March 13, 2017, the United States Senate confirmed her nomination in a 55–43 vote.^[17] One of her first actions was to send a letter to the nation’s governors urging them to impose insurance premiums for Medicaid, charge Medicaid recipients for emergency room visits, and encourage recipients to get jobs or job training.

Patient’s Over Paperwork:

Taken directly from the CMS.gov website:

Reduce unnecessary regulatory burden to allow providers to concentrate on their primary mission: improving patient health outcomes.

• CMS Administrator Seema Verma launched the “Patients over Paperwork” initiative in 2017, in accord with President Trump’s Executive Order that directs federal agencies to cut the red tape. This helps patients by allowing doctors and non-physician practitioners to focus on care instead of paperwork.

• CMS is eliminating overly-burdensome and unnecessary regulations and guidance to allow providers and suppliers to focus on their primary mission – improving their patients’ health.

• CMS is removing barriers to unleashing innovation.

• CMS is partnering with clinicians, providers and suppliers, administrators, support staff and beneficiaries to ensure we are focusing on the needs of patients.

I call “Bullshit!”

Suppliers and beneficiaries?

Is that code for health insurance companies?

I have MORE paperwork than I did 27 years ago and will have even more now with these new changes and have less time for actual patient care.

This is my favorite part of this information:

Our actions have delivered results

• Saved the healthcare system at least $5.7 billion through 2021.

• Eliminated at least 40 million hours of burden through 2021 giving that time back to providers and suppliers to spend with their patients and not on needless paperwork.

• Heard from over 2,000 clinicians, administrative staff and leaders, and beneficiaries through listening sessions and in-person visits throughout the country.

“Saved the healthcare system at least $5.7 billion through 2021”

Who have they saved $5.7 billion for?

THE INSURANCE COMPANIES!

And these changes both with PPS in 1999 and now in 2019 with PDPM have directly affected the lives of the healthcare professionals who provide these services.

There is a HUGE difference between rehabilitation services in 1992 and what is now happening in 2019.

I worked in an Acute Rehabilitation Hospital in 1992, my first job out of college. It was a great learning experience and an excellent facility. Sure, I hated many aspects of working for this large hospital system, yet I would not change beginning my career there. I left after three years to escape the strict schedule and stress of hospital policies.

I took a job in a Nursing home that had both long term care and “sub-acute care”, the new buzzword for rehabilitation services. My new job had flexible hours and a 35% pay increase. Yet, I soon found out that my role of being a skilled Occupational Therapist looked very different in this new setting and I had to spend less time being a skilled therapist and without the environment of a rehabilitation setting where the focus was on patient care and rehabilitation. And without all the necessary tools to do my job and the experienced professionals that I was surrounded by at my prior job.

I have been working in adult and geriatric physical rehabilitation since that time in various settings including nursing homes with “sub acute rehabs”, home health, and outpatient centers for assisted living and independent living residents.

When the PPS system was being developed, I agreed that there needed to be a change. Yet, the change was from one extreme to the other. The results were not better patient care, but less staff to patient ratios, a shift from quality of care to the number of minutes of therapy equating to a dollar amount, affecting not only the patients but also the staff whose job was to provide needed care for these patients.

Five years after I began working in nursing homes, I suffered a pay cut, reduction in benefits, and was shuffled to different facilities. My position moved from working 4 miles from my home with a 32 hour work week, hours reduced at my request to have time with my 2 year old child and still have full time benefits; to traveling to 2 different facilities in one day, traveling 147 miles round trip each day. I had an amazing boss at the time who negotiated some extra pay in addition to the standard pay for travel between the two facilities.

After traveling like this 5 days each week for a while, she then helped me to switch to working 4 days a week rather than 5 days to return to something closer to my “reduced 32 hour week”.

My other option, was to loose my job. Everyone was cutting staff. There weren’t many jobs to be found.

I spent 9 months searching for a new job. I eventually got a job offer for part time work in home health care which gave me more freedom in some ways but also evolved into traveling a larger area to see patients in 3 different NC counties, Stanley, Union, and Anson. I live in the corner of Mecklenburg county where it meets Stanley, Union, and Cabarrus Counties (see image below: Mecklenburg county is the pink county on far left)

Flash forward to 2019:

Over the past several months, everyone has been talking about the new reimbursement system, PDPM, Patient Driven Payment Model.

I wasn’t very worried about it, listening to my fellow therapists and co-workers “panic” and share the information they had from other employers and our mutual employer. I had gone through changes in the reimbursement system before. I have had issues with this system, and knew a change was needed. I wasn’t surprised that the change would be a pendulum swing to the opposite end of the spectrum.

For the second time in my career, my rate of pay is being reduced.

I had about a months notice for this pay reduction. 3% pay decrease starting October 1, 2019.

“This is minor compared to what I went through in 2000” I told my young coworkers.

From everything I heard, I was not too worried. It appeared that my employer was handling it calmer than other places. I felt secure because even though I am a prn employee, working on an as needed basis, I have had 30-40 hours of work lately because one full time therapist has been on medical leave. And, had plenty of hours before that happened. They needed me.

I knew I would likely have less hours. I was aware of the industry push to use less prn employees and have full timers flex hours and work weekends. This concept had affected me already at my last job less than 2 years ago.

I work primarily weekends because that his been my only semi-guaranteed way to get hours.

Because of the anticipated change, I had been working as many hours as needed while they were available. I typically worked between 15-25 hours before and now began working 30-40 hours. I had several weeks where I had to pay close attention to my hours so as not to go into overtime. Paying prn employees overtime is a big no-no in healthcare. As a prn employee, I have no benefits and so my rate of pay is higher than full time therapists. Yet, my higher rate of pay is the same prn rate as it was 22 years ago.

Flash forward to Monday, September 20, 2019:

11:16 am: I received a text saying I was not needed to come in for the 2-3 hours of work that I had agreed to on Friday. Not surprising, this happens all the time.

My reply:

OK, Hoping I will still be needed Friday with XXXXX having the day off, I had agreed to cover for her.

Working prn, my boss confirms if I am needed to work the next day. If I don’t hear, I check in to confirm I am needed to work. This has been the typical practice for years and across several employers. I have always been frustrated by last minute call-offs, but despite my efforts to change this, the best result I have gotten has been a confirmation text the day before. My current boss has been the most consistent with this practice and this employer has been my best experience working prn in a nursing home/rehab center.

I was then told that I would not be needed on Friday, And likely for the weekend as well.

There were changes that even my boss wasn’t expecting.

I like my current employer and am happy I am working for this company and not somewhere else. I share this because this is an across the board change affecting all of the Occupational, Physical, and Speech Language Therapists who work in rehabilitation where Medicare is the primary reimbursement system.

As is always the case, the need for prn coverage changes constantly and usually, how much help is needed, is not known until the day before because of fluctuations in the census.

This is good, I can now devote more time to the business my husband and I have recently started.

But wait, we are finally out of major credit care debt and I have been working extra hours to pay off debt and to build our savings.

This is good, Gina, the universe is telling you, once again, to pour your time and energy into your new business and writing pursuits.

Will I have any hours over the next week?

I have no idea.

Surely, they will need me once the census picks up.

Right?

We’ll fight the powers that be, just
Don’t pick our destiny ’cause
You don’t know us, you don’t belong

Oh, we’re not gonna take it
No, we ain’t gonna take it
Oh, we’re not gonna take it anymore

Oh, you’re so condescending
Your gall is never ending
We don’t want nothin’, not a thing from you

Your life is trite and jaded
Boring and confiscated
If that’s your best, your best won’t do

It will be ok, Gina, you can finally write more and work on the book that has been inside of you for so long.

It will be ok, Don and I have come along way with our new business and have speaking engagements set up and we are working with a business coach.

This is time to step up and dive in to a new chapter of my career as an Occupational Therapist. I can use my experience and talents in a new way and outside the healthcare system.

Sending Big Waves into Motion, releasing secrets

Relax, renew, rejuvenate and recharge, take 2.

I am at the beach all by myself. I have never done this before. I’ve been here for 6 hours and I am finally sitting down to write. It has taken me this long to settle in, move from the shock and excitement of actually being here, all by myself. And finally, focusing on here and now.

I texted and made videos and took pictures and FaceTimed my youngest, while exploring my room at the top of the resort building, while walking in the beach and pier. I felt kind of lonely when I got here. I always come to the beach with my kids or at least my husband. One time the two of us went, well, before kids, I guess we went several times. Who can remember 22 years ago before kids?

I have everything I need for my adventure, inspiring books, music, healthy and yummy food, drinks, did you know you can get wine in a can?

As I packed my bag to head to the beach to write, I realized that I forgot my Bluetooth key board that I use with my iPad. My iPad, has been my computer for a while now… years, I guess. Something else that I can’t quite remember.

I have a lap top, buried in books and papers on my desk. It is old and I used to use it often, but decided I liked my iPad much better.

I found myself responding to a post on a Facebook group, Unschooling Special Needs, earlier and it has inspired my writing today.

There are so many things I can write about. Yet, the concerns shared in the post on the Unschooling Special Needs group are so close to my heart and the reason my husband and I now have a business together helping families with challenges, especially those with anxiety issues and challenging behavior with their children.

I have Bipolar 2 Depression. My upswings, are hypomania, not full on mania (well, it can escalate to mania). Hypomania is great, highly focused, functioning and much energy! Yet, the downswing is like the riptide pulling you under the ocean water.

Helping my children with their struggles is extra challenging for me because of my struggles. I can’t even imagine what it must be like for my husband.

In three weeks I celebrate my 50th birthday. I am proud and excited to reach this milestone! Seriously, I am. With age, has common not only wisdom, but confidence, clarity, courage and healing.

I always make time to write when I have come to the beach with my family. I have wonderful memories being here with my family. And I also have memories of stress, anxiety, OCD flare ups, and the feeling of disappointment that we couldn’t just have a “normal family vacation” without the anxieties.

Here I am now, writing and also texting with my tech support son. I might have him help me locate a key pad. Typing on the iPad screen is slow.

It’s getting dark and the sound of the ocean is mesmerizing me.

When I was younger, I would never have gone somewhere like this by myself. The silence of being alone was challenging for me. I now cherish time to myself. I still love the sounds of people talking, and my music, Tom Petty and now Mary Lambert sing in my ear..which is even more beautiful with the sound of the ocean.

They tell us from the time we’re young
To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I’m over it

I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)

Life Detour: Hurricane Dorian rains on my parade

I was looking forward to two nights at a Myrtle Beach beachfront resort with a “limited view”. I planed this trip just one week prior to going. We have a time share and we had 700 points that would expire at the end of September. I have been working 40 hours per week as an Occupational therapist when typically I work about 20 hours, give or take 5-10.

I work PRN, as needed, and so I have no required hours but no guaranteed hours. I have not had my Monday afternoon/nights out for writing because of my working hours and fatigue after a 7-10 hour day working in adult and geriatric rehab. I love my work as an OT, yet it can be mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. And then I go home to my family of 2 kids living at home, husband, 2 dogs, 2 inside cats and 3 outside cats, and I have a 21 year old child and he and his fiancé now live on their own and I am close to both of them, help them when needed like to move into their new apartment last month. I love my family, they are my priority. I have learned I must take care of me in order to be there for all of them.

I can book my points – based time share online, viewing available resorts. I found 2 options for my three day stretch without scheduled work hours. One on the beach with a “limited beach view” and the other at a resort 15 minutes from the beach. After debating it, because the beachside resort would mean I use additional points, meaning less points for the spring when I hope to have a get away with my husband for our anniversary, and with the encouragement of my ten year old who said, “Mom you deserve to be on the beach”, I booked 2 nights on the beach.

I debated paying the $50 points protection fee so I could cancel or reschedule at anytime and not loose the points. I opted not to get the points protection.

Hurricane Dorian began to threaten my plans a few days ago as models predicted it’s path shifting from across central Florida to the Carolina Coast. I fretted over loosing my points and the disappointment of not going to the beach all by myself for 3 days.

My husband said, “Call and ask if you can reschedule.”

“No, I can’t. I didn’t pay for points protection.” Was my defeated reply.

Yesterday I anxiously watched the storm tracking news and updates online. I kept hoping it would disappear out to sea or even move west across Florida. I felt guilty wishing the latter, not wanting people in Florida to suffer, yet, that would mean I could still likely go to the beach.

I woke this morning feeling defeated as the weather news informed me the storm was sitting over the Bahamas as a large category 5 hurricane, the worst kind, and projected to head up along the coast, likely not making landfall, yet strongly impacting the coast.

I debated the safety of still going, as they did not predict impact until Thursday and I could always leave Wednesday if I needed to.

Apparently, I know nothing about hurricanes along the coast.

After posting on Facebook inquiring from my Carolina coastal friends and then messaging a few people for spiritual guidance for my internal dilemma, I sat on the bed and tapped, EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique.

“Call the resort!”

And so I did.

“It’s ok. We are under mandatory evacuation and have to clear out by noon today. You won’t loose your points.”

She was friendly despite the urgency of evacuating the resort within 5 hours. I asked some more questions and discovered all I needed to do was call the time share company tomorrow, today is Labor Day, and I could reschedule or cancel and not loose my points by just telling them there was a mandatory evacuation.

Relief.

No decision to make.

I decided to not let Dorian “Rain on my parade” and decided I would make other plans.

I can choose to not work the next three days. Sure, it is easier to say “No” to last minute requests to work when you are out of town, but I can also choose to not work. I have scheduled work hours for Friday and Saturday this week and had just worked a 5 day stretch: Thursday through today, Monday, Labor Day.

I had told myself, I can happily work though the long holiday weekend, knowing that afterwards I would be off for 3 days and at the beach all by myself!

Much needed respite and rejuvenation for a busy mother of 3 with writing goals and career pursuits outside my current job. Did I mention I homeschool my kids? And my kids and I have anxiety/ depression disorders.

I needed to get away!

I worked today and decided to think about other options for my three days, talking with co-workers and my patients to share my challenge and also gain other ideas and confirm outloud my intention to be off work and “on vacation” for the next three days.

I live in a beautiful city, Charlotte, NC, located 176 miles from Myrtle Beach, a three hour drive. The weather has been beautiful and cooler than usual the past few days, mid to upper 80s, down from the mid to high 90s we had for most of July and August.

I enjoyed being home after work with my family and had time with my kittens who have been quarantined to the basement for a few days, after finding some fleas on them.

I debated my options for the next few days and chatted with my husband. I wanted to make a plan and not let the next three days slip through my hands. My husband remained onboard for giving me vacation time and planned to take care of things, asking only to take our youngest to a therapy appointment Wednesday morning at 10am rather than take her with him to several of his business appointments.

“It is Monday night, I can go out to a coffee house and have me time to plan.”

I ate a quick dinner and packed my writing tools and planner book, and “don’t forget my headphones!”

I arrived at the coffee house where I first had time out for a writing club meet up and had first spent time writing. I used to write with colored pens in notebooks, because I did not yet have a laptop. The place was rather empty, yet it is Labor Day.

“Are you still open until 10?” I inquired.

“eight”

It was 7:45. I debated what drink to order and then sat outside at the picnic tables to decide what to do now. Google search. Amelie’s is open 24 hours, I recalled seeing it on my phone. Wow, they have many locations now.

I looked up the original location, not far from where I was and checked to confirm the hours. I called them. The recorded voice stated, “We are open 24 hours 365 days per year.” I could not connect to a live person.

24 hours, 365 days a year

They will be open!

I followed Waze to drive there, because I like the certainty of following a map app.

I realized it was taking me near uptown, Charlotte has an “uptown” rather than a downtown.

I checked to see if that was the best way to go.

The sun was setting and I was enjoying the drive with my sun roof and windows open, my hair blowing, listening to loud music on Spotify.

I love this city. It is beautiful and such a beautiful night.

Oh yeah, and I love “uptown”! The city life with tall buildings, sidewalks for easy pedestrian travel with a all kinds of people bustling about. My route took me skirting the beltway that circles our small yet rapidly growing downtown/ uptown.

I had already had the thought to spend one day, taking the new light rail into the city, and now finalized the idea to spend a day uptown at a coffee shop to write.

I love the skyline of a city and with the clear Carolina blue sky at sunset tonight, it was breathtaking.

Take a picture of it!

I was almost off the beltway but was able to capture one tall building in the sunset as I was stopped at the light at my exit.

I love the beach, my first choice destination, yet I can find beauty in other places and inspiration to write.

I have overcome another obstacle in life, finding peace and light in the detour.

I spent my life trying to answer to the voice inside my head
But all I found were empty questions from a time that I forget

I learned my lesson, it was wrong of me to look so far ahead
I’ll count my blessings one by one, I’ll live a life I won’t regret

And now I finally see the future’s right in front of me, yeah
And now I finally see the future’s right in front of me, yeah

Runaway Train

Runaway Train

Call you up in the middle of the night

Like a firefly without a light

You were there like a blowtorch burning

I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn’t even sleep

So many secrets I couldn’t keep

Promised myself I wouldn’t weep

One more promise I couldn’t keep

It seems no one can help me now

I’m in too deep

There’s no way out

This time I have really lead myself astray

Depression seeps in

Silently and slowly creeping

Like a shadow obscuring the light

It arrives slowly without warning

A gas leak that slowly chokes out the life

Within us

We struggle and fumble

To find our way out

To the fresh air

And to the light

Again

Rain falls softly

Quietly covering the ground

The wind blows the leaves of the trees

Branches sway

Thoughts of how I use to be

Enjoying myself with my children on a road trip to ohio

To an unschooling conference

Just this past May

Two months later

And here I am feeling lost

We drove to St. Louis over Easter weekend

I had determination, organization, purpose and poise

Now i sit in the silence looking at old photos

Longing for that feeling I once had

Happiness, joy,

It is more than that

Purpose

I sense of divine purpose

Yet each time I encounter the chains of depression

I move forward

Never back…

Runaway train never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I’m neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?

Make it somehow all seem worthwhile

How on earth did I get so jaded?

Life’s mysteries seem so faded

I can go where no one else can go

I know what no one else knows

Here I am, just drowning in the rain

With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dry

Day and night

Earth and sky

Somehow I just don’t believe it

Runaway train never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I’m neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train

Like a madman laughing at the rain

A little out of touch, a little insane

It’s just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I’m neither here nor there

Runaway train never coming back

Runaway train tearing up the track

Runaway train burning in my veins

I run away but it always seems the same

Gratitude: Embracing Bipolar Depression

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out

And if you want to be free, be free

‘Cause there’s a million things to be

You know that there are

And if you want to live high, live high

And if you want to live low, live low

‘Cause there’s a million ways to go

You know that there are

Cat Stevens sings as I sit here telling myself to write

Ups and downs, highs and lows

Bipolar depression and mood swings

Life challenges

Leaving me wanting to escape it all, at times

Other times ready to jump in and fight, power on…

Emotions

Feelings

Memories

Regrets…

Life for 48 and a half years and counting…

Opportunities come and gone

New endeavors

Staring new jobs, new people, new places, new computer systems…

Old jobs and people I have known a long time

Letting go

Moving on

Writing

Because I have to

Because it is what feeds my soul

Because when I don’t write,

I feel lost

Something is missing

Until I return to my keyboard

And figure out what to say

My life is awesome

Sometimes my life sucks

Circumstances and situations suck

Infuriated by government systems

Lack of organization and logic

Waiting

Mental health services

Sick care

Thinking of those things is a whole ‘ nother blog

Embracing myself and who I am

Embracing where I am

Right now

Right here

In this home

My 5 year home that I have lived in for 17 years…

With all its cracks and crevices and needed repairs

My house is nearly 49 years old, as am I

Built the year I was born

A good year

1969

I was born on Peace Day during the Vietnam war

October 15

I believe I choose to be born on that day

I was born 3 weeks past my mother’s “due date”

They allowed that back then…

Here I am

Now

Journey sings to me

Don’t’ stop believin’

Dreams

Writing

Aspirations

Hope

New endeavors with Don

Speaking

Speaking!

Writing and speaking my truth

My true self is emerging

i sing this song to my true self…

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

The mist is lifting slowly

I can see the way ahead

And I’ve left behind the empty streets

That once inspired my life

And the strength of the emotion

Is like thunder in the air

‘Cos the promise that we made each other

Haunts me to the end

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

The secret of your beauty

And the mystery of your soul

I’ve been searching for in everyone I meet

And the times I’ve been mistaken

It’s impossible to say

And the grass is growing

Underneath our feet

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

[Interlude:]

You see I know you’re out there somewhere

O yes I know you’re out there somewhere

You see I know I’ll find you somehow

O yes I know I’ll find you somehow

the words that I remember

From my childhood still are true

That there’s none so blind

As those who will not see

And to those who lack the courage

And say it’s dangerous to try

Well they just don’t know

That love eternal will not be denied

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

Yes I know it’s going to happen

I can feel you getting near

And soon we’ll be returning

To the fountain of our youth

And if you wake up wondering

In the darkness I’ll be there

My arms will close around you

And protect you with the truth

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

Thank you Moody Blues and Azlyrics

Story of my life

Have you ever seen the video for the song, Story of My LIfe, by One direction?

I have always liked the song and having just watched the video, I like it even more.

And I am very picky about my videos. My favorite song currently is Ed Sheeran’s Castle on the Hill, but oh my! I really dislike the video. It just does not do the song justice. I find the video cheesy. But I will focus back on the video I like…

Story of My Life by One Direction

Today is my half birthday.

Crazy? That a 48 year old woman is celebrating her half birthday?…

Maybe…

There is no cake or anything. I just always think about it when it arrives, 6 months prior to my next birthday.

And today, I am using the date to focus on me and my life for my blog.

What better song to use and after watching the video, I knew it was perfect.

Do three links to the video impress upon how much I want you to watch this video?

I will superimpose my blog within the lyrics of the song today….

“Story Of My Life”

Written in these walls are the stories that I can’t explain

I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days

April 15, 2018

I am 48.5 years old today. My 49th birthday is 6 months away. It is also “tax day” but being Sunday, I guess that will really be tomorrow.

I am very happy with my life right now. I would not have said that last year. Two years ago, I might have, but several years prior to that, most likely not. I have had more than my share of challenges over the past 11 years. Somewhere in all of it, I lost myself but have been working to uncover myself again. In doing so, I have discovered that the truest part of me has been lost for far more than 11 years.

The last time I remember being this confident and happy with myself was when I was 10, 11, and 12 years old and living in Bethel Park, Pa. I lived there for 3 years of my life: September 1979 through the summer of 1982. I made some wonderful friends in those 3 years and have some of my best childhood memories from that time period. I was a Girl Scout, a safety guard for the bus stop, part of the writing crew for a child run and produced news show that ran on the local channel and was facilitated by my 5th grade teacher at Washington Elementary School. I learned to play the clarinet and was in the band which continued even after moving across the state and when entering high school. I played softball for a church league and was a catcher and learned to hit the ball and even got a home run! I played softball the year before we moved to Pennsylvania, when we lived in Ohio, but we later found out that I really needed glasses and this explained my not hitting the ball for an entire season of softball. It is much more fun to play softball when you can see.

She told me in the morning she don’t feel the same about us in her bones

Seems to me that when I die these words will be written on my stone

I received my first journal, “dairy” when I was 10 years old. My sister gave it to me for my 10th birthday, October 15, 1979.

I still have that diary and every one after it that I have been writing in for the past 38 1/2 years. I have been a writer for as long as I an remember. My 6th grade language arts teacher was the best. I can remember creating a book of poetry in her class and I vividly remember her sitting down to review it with me. She encouraged me and praised m writing.

We moved a year later and somehow, my vision of myself as a writer changed. Somehow, when I was in high school and thinking about college, I never thought of pursuing a career in writing. Looking back at my life now, I see how everything I did was perfect to bring me to where I am today. I would not change going to E-town College and majoring in Occupational Therapy. Nor would I change all the places I have worked as an Occupational Therapist. Even the job I held for only one month. It all brought me to where I am now.

I used to say “I am a writer that got detoured by a career in Occupational Therapy”.

I don’t know that I would say that anymore.

I am a writer AND…

I am an Occupational Therapist.

Both are a large part of who I am.

And I’ll be gone, gone tonight

The ground beneath my feet is open wide

The way that I been holding on too tight

With nothing in between

The story of my life

I take her home

I drive all night

To keep her warm

And time is frozen (the story of, the story of)

The story of my life

I give her hope

I spend her love

Until she’s broke

Inside

The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

Any love song I listen to now, I often think about loving my inner child.

Nourishing the part of me that got lost, my true self.

I have been actively working to nurture my inner child for over 14 years ever since I began practicing EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique with Jan Luther.

I did personal work and went on to study EFT further and earned a level 1 and level 2 EFT training certificates. I also received level 1 and level 2 Reiki training. I am a student of Conversations with God. That goes back even further, I believe to before my oldest child was born over 20 years ago. I remember hearing Neale Donald Walsh speak at Unity of Charlotte when I was pregnant with my oldest child. I have read many self help books as well and engaged in classes on spiritual health and growth. I went to counseling with my husband when we fist met and before we even had a first fight. I attended further therapy on my own and joined a women’s group and continued to be in touch with those women for several years.

Written on these walls are the colors that I can’t change

Leave my heart open but it stays right here in its cage

I know that in the morning now I see us in the light upon a hill

Although I am broken, my heart is untamed, still

Depression has been a part of my life since my teenage years. I did not struggle significantly until my senior year of college at the age of 22. Although, high school was difficult for me and I lacked self-confidence and could not wait to move out of highschool. I excelled academically but socially was a very different story.

Moving out on my own after graduating college was a shock to my system. Somehow I envisioned that experience to be an extension of college, but it was not. I had challenges but found my way.

I met my husband in March of 1993, just four months after moving 600 miles south to North Carolina.

I can still see the add in my OT magazine for the job, it read,

Shouldn’t you be in Charlotte?

It spoke to me.

I am glad I listened. That is one “should” that benefited me!

Married in May of 1994

First big job change in August of 1995 with significant pay increase and less stress

First child born November of 1997

Changed to part time work (from full time) in January of 2000

Moved to new larger house in April of 2001

Child number two born February of 2002

Home full time in Summer of 2007, something I had desired since February of 1998 when I returned to full time work leaving my 12 week old son home with his dad

Spring of 2008, expecting my third child and when three months pregnant,

…Back to work because my husband was reduced from full time employee with salary to contractor paid commission only

January 8, 2009 my third child is born and I choose to stay home for a full year because that is why we had waited to have a third child…

So that I could be home full time

Our financial struggles began in summer of 2008 when my husband lost. his job, but never collected unemployment because he still had a job, as a contractor, paid commission, and he even had to collect the money from customers.

I sought work but it took a few months to get hired and worked many weekends ad other days as needed until December when I felt I was too pregnant to continue. I had worked up to the day before for my first two children, but this time I was 39 years old and very tired with this pregnancy.

I returned to work at that same job in spring of 2010 when my youngest was just over a year old, working “PRN” on a part time, as needed basis. I continued at that job until recently.

I could continue to list life events from this point on and yet, that would take hours.

I already have many blogs written about the challenges overt the past 10 years.

The important part…

Is that I am on the other side now

I have walked through the mud

Swam the swamp and come up for air

Hurdled the obstacles with bruises and scars

Badges of honor abound

And courage…

I am stronger because of it

I am also who I am because of all of my experiences

I am NOT what has happened to me…

I AM who I now as, as a result of my choices I have made about what has happened.

And I,’ll be gone, gone tonight

The fire beneath my feet is burning bright

The way that I been holding on so tight

With nothing in between

The story of my life

I take her home

I drive all night

To keep her warm

And time is frozen (the story of, the story of)

The story of my life

I give her hope

I spend her love

Until she’s broke

Inside

The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

And I been waiting for this time to come around

But baby running after you is like chasing the clouds

The story of my life

I take her home

I drive all night

To keep her warm

And time is frozen

The story of my life

I give her hope (give her hope)

I spend her love

Until she’s broke (until she’s broke inside)

Inside

The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

The story of my life

The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

The story of my life