sharing my life experiences, reflections and insights as a mother, a writer, an Occupational Therapist, an unschooler, and and a spiritual being having a human experience

Posts tagged ‘depression’

Depression and Illness 

I got sick for the first time since coming out of my depression. Really sick. All of a sudden- flu sick.

I never used to be so ancy to get better, or maybe I just don’t remember what it felt like to really not want to be sick
One of the most difficult things being sick has been the fear that I wouldn’t want to do things again that I would find myself happy to be sitting around, in the recliner or in bed and watching movies and streaming an entire season of a tv show in one day. You know how when you get really sick, it’s hard to imagine getting better? Like, you feel so sick like you are dying, but you know you aren’t dying, your body just feels like it is.

I turned a big corner today after 4 1/2 days off illness with high temperature. I actually got to the point where I could tell I felt better and after watching some tv, I told myself, I would stop watching and get some things done. Because I finally felt up to it and finally could see a light at the end of the tunnel of illness. Yet, I watched one more episode and then another.  I have vivid memories of doing this in the past, when I wasn’t feeling well

Depression is an illness. It does leave you feeling sick and tired. No energy, no motivation, thst isn’t Laziness, it’s depression.  You don’t look sick to anyone. People don’t know why you don’t get the project done on time or follow up like you said you would or make that phone call to set up an appointment for yourself or even for your child. Little things take a lot of effort to complete. There are no “little things” everything feels like a big thing, everything feels like a lot of work to complete or it takes all of your energy to do it.

When you are sick with the flu, you are tired,  Have no energy, no motivation to do Anything, no desire to,

When I am sick with the flu, I became content watching movies. I figured, why not make the best of my time and do something I enjoy. I also wanted to keep my mind on positive thoughts. I picked feel good movies and comedy shows. It’s ok to be “lazy” when you are sick. It’s like universal permission to be lazy.

The fear of becoming depressed again can be crippling.

I wrote the above post more than 2 1/2 years ago when I was in a very good place as far as my mental health. I have bipolar depression, the kind where my upswing is hypomania, or just high functioning and feeling good. I have been though a few cycles of ups and downs since I first write this post. I have realized some more things as I reread this post

I get sick more often and am much slower to shake any illness when I am depressed as compared to when I am not. I look back on things I did just days after being very sick in spring of 2016 and in a more depressed state, wonder, how the heck did I do that?

I have gotten sick during my more recent down cycle, one that lasted from June or July until Oct-November. It was ten times more awful being sick as it felt like forever and even when I began to feel better, I still didn’t have much energy to do anything, which just lead to not feeling well again. A vicious cycle of physical illness and depression.

Is it possible that some people with chronic illness are caught in this loop of physical illness and depression?

I see it in my own life. And I consider myself generally healthy.

The only medications I have been taken are for my depression.

What I ask of my readers today is this:

The next time you have a friend or family member not follow through on something or fail to do what they said they would, stop and contemplate the idea, Anne they are dealing with some form of anxiety or depression.

Sometimes I look like a lazy person and yet, I have accomplished much in my 49 years. I have had periods where I completed WonderWoman like feats, as well as many long stretches of barely getting by.

If this post helps even one person dealing with a mental illness or a loved one who has mental illness, than I am forever grateful for the opportunity to write and share my experiences.

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Everybody Hurts, Sometimes

Life gets messy at times

We all experience ups and downs and for those for us with Bipolar Depression, this experience is exaggerated often to the point of dysfunction.

For me, it is to the point of barely getting by, doing just the bare minimum.

Barely functioning, yet somehow making it through each day

Yet, in the bigger picture, it really feels as if this life is not my own.

I am listening to R.E.M. sing.

This song is powerful and propelled me to writing a blog today.

I had no intention of writing a blog but as soon as this song came on, I reached in my bag and pulled out my keyboard.

The music and the lyrics brought me to a place of honesty.

When I was younger, I wanted life to freeze so that I could catch up.

Now, I feel like I am the one who is frozen and life is wizzing by…

I am now taking a mood stabilizing medication along with my antidepressant.

I thought the antidepressant alone was helping until I discovered i was spiraling down again, slowly, yet enough that even calling my doctor to get in to be seen sooner took much effort and then I called and got no response and I wanted to call back again but never did.

And then it was time for my regularly scheduled appointment. She didn’t give me much time to talk this time but quickly jumped to adding a mood stabilizer when I began to describe my experience and was eager to prescribe the same medication that has been working for my brother. I agreed.

It takes time with all of these medications. To avoid side effects, you slowly titrate up the dose and so you won’t see any results for weeks or often months.

She told me to come back in 4 weeks after I had increased the dose to 50mg, after starting at 25 for 2 weeks. I went to check out and schedule the appointment and she did not have any openings for 6 weeks.

So what do you do with that?

They told me to call back in a few weeks to see if there has been any openings.

Why do they make it so challenging for someone with depression to come in as prescribed by the doctor for a medication increase.

Don’t they know how challenging it can be to follow through and make that phone call?

Don’t they know how challenging it is to get a person on their phone system?

Maybe she has an online way to get in touch with her, I think I remember that. If only I could figure out where that information is so I can access that.

Because waiting an extra 2 weeks to up the dose feels like too long.

Why do these small tasks feel so large and overwhelming to me?

I sat here at Panera while eating my dinner and enjoying a Netflix show and watched a young couple at a booth across from me.

They were holding hands and looking at each other. They were not holding their phones and had their full attention on each other with that look of total infatuation and young love. That feeling of connection with someone new. The attention and interest with each other, such intimacy.

I glanced up many times finding joy in their connection.

Depression is like the opposite of intimacy

You fell disconnected, out of touch and invisible.

You feel lost and uncertain and out of touch with your inner feelings.

You are lost in the day to day mundane tasks and use any opportunity to escape from regular life that you can.

“I want to break free

I want to break free from your life’s, you’re so self satisfied, I don’t need you

I want to break free”

Queen sings in my ear and I feel the lyrics

I want to break free from this depression, my depression

I want to be free of this feeling of drowning, of sinking, of being lost and disconnected.

“But life still goes on….”

“I don’t want to live alone…

God knows I have got to make it on my own

So baby can’t you see, I’ve got to break free…”

I made an effort today to jump into my work, reading and researching information for my new business endeavor with my husband.

We have developed a presentation and program for Collaborative, Conscious, Respectful Parenting.

This week we will give our second presentation. We have one client now, a family, from our first presentation we gave about 2 months ago.

We scheduled a second presentation for last month but no one signed up to attend.

It felt easy to pursue this endeavor 4 months ago when we first dove into it.

These past 2 months since that first presentation have been very difficult. When I practice the presentation with Don and we discuss things, I am engaged and energized by the experience and I know I can do this.

Life creeps back in and day to day life and my irregular schedule of getting weekly work from on e of the 3 companies I am employed with and it falls to the background.

A few weeks ago, I took 2 of my children to the dentist. My youngest was 9 before he would allow a dentist to clean his teeth. My oldest had serious trauma from dentists. I have anxiety over taking my kids to the dentist because of those experiences. Taking my youngest to any “professional” is challenging because his typical response is not to be compliant and do what he is told. That is challenging for me in a social setting.

We came out of the appointment having a very easy experience with only my daughter needing to come back to fill a cavity. She has no problems going to the dentist and usually does not have cavities.

I realized after that visit, that if I could survive that and we all did very well, then I could surely speak to a group of people about parenting.

In other worlds, getting through challenging experiences or potentially challenging experiences, helps me to realize that doing what I have longed to do, what my should wants to do, is not really as difficulty as it feels at times.

It feels difficult because it is not what I have been doing for “a living” for the past 25 years. It is outside the realm of my usual working experience.

Yet, is is also within the scope of my work practice and even experience with both adults and my own children.

It is new and new things take time to become comfortable.

I need to slowly figure my way in this new experience.

Don and I bring a unique dynamic because of our personality differences.

I am a big picture person, a dreamer of possibilities, and he is detail oriented, organized and follows through.

I am an introvert and process things internally and through my writing. Don is an extrovert and loves being in front of a large group speaking to people.

I have the background of being in healthcare and he has a business background.

It really is an amazing combination and together we share a passion for helping families. In particular for helping families with anxiety struggles, especially those with children suffering from anxiety related issues which we know effects the entire family dynamic.

It is so fun to see him using the tools that I first discovered years ago when our oldest was young and see him sharing books like, “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk” with his Clients in his EFT practice.

Engaging in this new endeavor with him has been a vision of mine since at least 2011. And yet, struggling with depression, takes a toll on my ability to follow through.

I have the benefit of knowing that I have pulled myself up and out of the depression several times before and so I do have hope that I will again. Despite knowing I am dealing with depression, I am still making small steps forward. Today, after sitting and talking with Don about our next steps we need to take, I felt energized to dive into the next steps. I also knew I needed to get out of the house and dive into a place of quiet where I go to write and do inner exploration and know I can focus solely on myself and my pursuits, knowing Don is home and engaged with the kids and dogs and they can reach me by phone whenever they need to.

David Bowie sings, Changes, as I finish this post tonight.

Changes…

Healing through writing

Today is March 25, 2013

I had knee pain come out of no where yesterday and was so glad I had an appointment at my chiropractor this morning.  Apparently it was more misalignment in my back and hips causing knee pain.  I assumed it was residual damage from the car accident that I was in 10 months ago.  When my knee bothers me which it does from time to time, I get angry.  Before my car accident, I had no knee pain issues.  And when I am in pain or stressed, then I become more anxious driving.

Even ten months later, I have an over active startle reflex when driving.  It is far better than it was the days and week and even months right after the accident but it is not gone.  We can recover from trauma yet we don’t ever return to the place we were before the trauma.  Right after the accident and for many weeks, I could not get the memory of the accident out of my mind the entire time I was driving.  I hated that.  I hated the fact that what sometimes is my time alone, time in the car driving, was now ridden with fear and the memory of a traumatic experience.   I think what made it even more difficult for me was because I was driving along minding my own business traveling the speed limit and this car turned into me in broad daylight on a road with good visibility.  The result has been me not trusting any other driver on the road because you just never know when they are going to make a bad judgement decision.

This is no way to live.

Today as I was driving to  my chiropractor experiencing this  constant ache in my knee, I had a few close calls on the road.  Nothing extreme just a few cars coming toward me and crossing the yellow line for a few seconds, enough to set me on high alert.  Later, after I dropped my son off, I was pulling into a two lane road where the speed limit is 35 and was about to move into the left turn lane when a car speed along out of no where- the closest call all day.  So I thought to myself,  Why am I having these near miss experiences in the car on a day that I have knee pain?

Surely, it must just mean that I need to write about my accident.  The universe has been pushing me to write more and to carve out time in my life regularly to do so.  The signs have been so clear to me and yet finding or making the time to do so has been a challenge.  This past Friday, I did it.  After getting my younger kids breakfast, they wanted to watch a show and so I decided I would go up to my bedroom with my lap top and write.  I would not check Facebook or my email but go directly to wordpress and write.  A few weeks before I had decided that i needed a more specific blog and had created a Child-led learning blog.  I hadn’t done anything else since creating it.  So for almost an hour, I wrote. I did not finish the blog, but was so happy that I had carved out the time and done it! Finally!  My goal is to do that every day or at least several days each week.  As I write that, something deep within me says, “everyday,Gina, make time to write every day”.

It is Monday and on Mondays, I usually have a few hours to myself while my oldest is at the homeschool co-op.  I either go to a coffee house or the library both around the corner from where the co-op meets.  Usually, I decompress by checking Facebook and email and then look at my homeschooling website and approve and welcome new members and then work on an update message to send to members.   I think about writing a blog but it has been a long time since I have done so.

I knew I needed to go straight to WordPress today and not look anywhere else and write.  I wasn’t sure exactly what I would say or what the focus would be.  I then pulled up my drafts because I recalled writing about my accident in the past.  I found the following written just 6 weeks after my accident:

I was in a car accident on May 26, 2012.

I was driving home from work. It was a Saturday and I was done early and so I decided to head to Target to use the gift card that I had gotten back in October  to buy a new swim suit and planned to take my kids to the pool too.

I never made it to Target and I did not take my kids to the pool nor was not able to for about 2 weeks.

I was driving along, not my usual route but on a road I had traveled many times before.

It all happened so fast and yet those seconds or more likely second, before the crash, happened in slow motion.  I clearly recall seeing the white SUV turning into me and deciding to swerve to the right to get out of the way.  I also vividly recall realizing that I could not get out of the way and knew she was going to hit me.  I remember it all like it took place over minutes instead of seconds.

But then all I remember is impact-

….and then the car coming to a stop and me opening my eyes.

After the initial impact, I do not know what happened.  I must have hit my head because I had a cut on my nose and my nose was bleeding and my air bag never went off.  But this I only know after the fact- when I got out of the car and someone said my nose was bleeding and when I later realized the air bag did not deploy.

I remember opening my eyes and seeing an air bag (passangers side) and some smoke and having the instinct to get out of the car.  I attempted to open my door but it did not move and so I climbed to the passangers side, taking my purse and water bag and exited my car.

I recall how shaky I felt as I stepped out onto the grass.  A wonderful bystander was walking toward me and asked me if I was alright and advised me to sit down.  I am so grateful to that wonderful woman who reached out to help me.  She did  not have to help me and I think she might be the witness who is listed on the accident report but I really have no idea.  She was there when I needed someone and I am forever grateful to this kind stranger for stopping and coming to my aid.

The person who hit me, apparently was a medic and she advised my bystander angel that I should lay down which I heard and then did.

I had no idea at the time that my car had spun around and the back end had struck a third car and then had been propelled forward coming to a rest along the grass on the side of the road.  Thinking about that, its almost like someone had guided my car to move forward and come to a rest where it did.  Maybe the car wasn’t on the grass, but I know when I stepped out of the car, I stepped onto the grass.

I drove back down the road where the accident took place today, it has taken me over 6 weeks to build up the courage to do this.

_______________________________________

I kept the above just as I wrote it 8 months ago.  The accident was still fresh in my mind and as I read it, I recalled the feelings I felt for so long every time I got in the car for several months after the accident.

I finally drove down the road where the accident was, pushing myself to do so 6 weeks after my accident but then I did not drive that way again for many months.   Luckily, it was not a usual route for me so it wasn’t like I was avoiding the road.  Yet, I knew I needed to drive on that road again to desensitize myself and reduce my anxiety.  Reminds me very much of ERP therapy that my daughter does for her OCD.   Recently, they began working on a bridge on my usual route to work and also where my chiropractor is located.  So now, I found that driving past my accident was the quickest option to get where I needed to go.  At first, I drove that way to work because I was driving the opposite direction from when I was in my accident.  It helped me to drive many times from the other direction and see where the accident took place.   I would go home a different route avoiding the road entirely.  Then, I decided I needed to drive down that road heading home but I choose to take the highway which the entrance to is within eyesight and just before where my accident took place.  The first time I did this, I got stopped at a red light waiting to turn onto the entrance ramp and as I sat there,  I had a clear view of where my accident took place.  I became anxious and felt my heart racing.  It was difficult to sit there for those seconds waiting for the light to turn green.  The next time that I came to the same intersection, I could look on the spot without all of the anxiety.    Over time, I even drove the actual path of my accident again.  The most difficult was when I was bringing my son’s friend home and it was dark and raining.  I became very anxious but survived the experiene.

When I think about my daughter and the level of anxiety she experiences with her OCD, I realize that it is likely far more intense than even what I experience.  The thought of having the amount of anxiety that I experienced when first trying to drive on the path of my accident  every day and many times in a day gives me a better understanding of what she experiences.  All I can say is,  “Wow, I can not imagine living with that much fear and anxiety   every day and frequently throughout each and every day.”

Healing from trauma is a funny thing.  There is physical healing and mental healing and yet they are very interwoven, much more so than most of us realize.  I know on days when I have physical pain, I have more anxiety driving.  I also know when I feel more emotional stress, I also have more anxiety driving.

I am teaching my 15 year old son to drive.  He has had his learner’s permit for several months and so I think about my driving all the time as a way of helping him to learn.  I try to take my 25 years of driving experience and use it to help him develop good skills and habits with driving.  Today as he was driving and we were talking about driving, he told me that he believes I drive different now as compared to before my accident.  He did not have his permit when I had my accident.  It was 3 months later that he took the required drivers ed class and another 3 months before he turned 15 and could take the test for his learner’s permit.  But he is very observant and I found it interesting that he saw a difference.

Traumas change us.  When my husband was healing after surving a massive heart attaack and long hospitalization, people  began to ask if things were “back  to normal”.  There is no going back.   I remember feeling,  Life will never be normal again.   I realize now that things can become “normal” again but it is a new normal.   The experience changes you forever and the change can be both positive and negative.  Hopefully we can heal enough through the experience to take more positive change with us and learn to release the negative or allow it to subside.

My husband calls his heat attack “getting hit by a two by four”, a sort of wake up call.

I have decided that it is much more challenging being the one smacked by the “two by four” than to be the caregiver.  At least, that has been my experience.  I could see far more positive change after my husband’s heart attack.  Yet, when I was the one in pain, it was difficult for me to step outside of my experience.  As I say that, it makes perfect sense.  At the time when my husband was recovering, it was frustrating to be in this place of new understanding and clarity and he seamed to be mostly angry, frustrated.  Maybe I was more in a spiritual place and he was more in his body.  Unlike my car accident, had no memory of his heart attack.  He had pain but had no idea it might be a heart attack and then he went into cardiac arrest and remembers nothing until after he woke up hours later after coming out of the cath lab.   I saw him in the ER before he went to the cath lab and he was “awake” and they told him he had a heart attack and he had this look on his face like “you have got to be kidding me” but he has no clear memory of this.   And so he awoke to discover what had happened and to be on a bed restricted to laying absolutely flat for a humber of hours and then it took time before he could sit up and over a week before he could stand and walk.

I knew the car was going to hit me before it did and I can feel the impact of metal on metal.  When I stop and think about it, I can feel it in my entire body.  I recall vividly the experience of my car coming to a stop and seeing smoke coming out of the dash and feeling that I needed to get out of the car.  I can relive the moments like it happened yesterday.  Yet, I know I was in a state of shock after the impact.  After all, it was dust coming up from the air bag on the passengers side that I saw and not really smoke, but at the time, my instincts told me, smoke means get out of the car and quickly.  I even wanted to move far enough away from the car after I got out of it.  I had no idea that my arm was injured from the glass and that my nose was bleeding and that my air bag had not gone off.  I remember some blood dripping but had no need to figure out where it was coming from.   Once I was out of the car, others began helping me and I am sure laying down helped me.  Then it was a long wait as the medics arrived and the police officer came over to talk to me, all with me lying flat on m back staring up at the sky.  I think about it and feel like I was fully aware of everything.  yet, I know there was a hazy fog of shock that likely lasted for days or weeks.

As I ramble on writing about this experience, I am thinking about all of the day to day traumas in our life, all of the little disappointments as well as the bigger challenges that affect our daily experiences and our life as a whole.  We respond differently depending on the situation.  The common thread is whether it has primarily a negative impact or a positive one.  How can a trauma have a positive impact?  Even I wonder that too as I write this.  I think it is what we take from the experience. The decisions we choose to make because of it, not our initial gut reaction but the way we handle ourselves despite it.  Most of the time it can be a big mix of both negative reacting and positive decisions.

Somemtimes, it just takes us longer to pull out of the trauma and to step outside of it and move forward.   Sometimes we have no choice but to keep moving forward.  Other times, we sit with the pain for a while.

When I think back on the days and weeks just after my accident, if I could go back in time, I would allow myself more time to heal.  I know I took my time to some extent and yet I take from the experience  a reminder to accept what is.  If I don’t feel well on any given day, I really try now to stop and think about what must get done and what can wait.  LIfe is no longer the rat race that I used to feel when I was younger.  Some days, it is good to stay in your pajamas and watch tv with your kids or make cookies and eat them for dinner.

Life really is too short to be in a hurry and rush though jumping from one thing to another without any time to breath.

Runaway Train

Runaway Train

Call you up in the middle of the night

Like a firefly without a light

You were there like a blowtorch burning

I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn’t even sleep

So many secrets I couldn’t keep

Promised myself I wouldn’t weep

One more promise I couldn’t keep

It seems no one can help me now

I’m in too deep

There’s no way out

This time I have really lead myself astray

Depression seeps in

Silently and slowly creeping

Like a shadow obscuring the light

It arrives slowly without warning

A gas leak that slowly chokes out the life

Within us

We struggle and fumble

To find our way out

To the fresh air

And to the light

Again

Rain falls softly

Quietly covering the ground

The wind blows the leaves of the trees

Branches sway

Thoughts of how I use to be

Enjoying myself with my children on a road trip to ohio

To an unschooling conference

Just this past May

Two months later

And here I am feeling lost

We drove to St. Louis over Easter weekend

I had determination, organization, purpose and poise

Now i sit in the silence looking at old photos

Longing for that feeling I once had

Happiness, joy,

It is more than that

Purpose

I sense of divine purpose

Yet each time I encounter the chains of depression

I move forward

Never back…

Runaway train never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I’m neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?

Make it somehow all seem worthwhile

How on earth did I get so jaded?

Life’s mysteries seem so faded

I can go where no one else can go

I know what no one else knows

Here I am, just drowning in the rain

With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dry

Day and night

Earth and sky

Somehow I just don’t believe it

Runaway train never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I’m neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train

Like a madman laughing at the rain

A little out of touch, a little insane

It’s just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I’m neither here nor there

Runaway train never coming back

Runaway train tearing up the track

Runaway train burning in my veins

I run away but it always seems the same

Cool, quiet? Sunday

I woke up today on a Sunday morning and had the idea to take a walk. I looked at my weather app, 64 degrees.

64 degrees!?!?!

It is July in Charlotte, NC and we don’t usually see 64 degrees even at 8am.

I got dressed and grabbed my headphones and found resurrection Sunday on iheart radio and off I went.

Now I am perched on the trampoline with a pillow and some towels with my iPad and keyboard in the quiet.

Quiet?

“Mom, mom, there is something I have to tell you. Do you like pears?”

My 9 year old comes bouncing on the trampoline to tell me pears are growing on the pear tree in the front yard.

I explain that it is a pear tree and has had pears on it before but they usually don’t taste good.

He is very excited. I am less than thrilled that my quiet has been invaded.

I try to smile and acknowledge his excitement in the discovery.

And off he goes… on to his next adventure.

The WiFi goes in and out on my iPad and I have to enter settings several times to reset it.

There is an amazing breeze blowing trees that surround me in my backyard sanctuary.

The sky is Carolina blue

The humidity is low

The air is cool

It’s a beautiful day, like an early spring day here in NC

Amazingly, I am home from work on this beautiful Sunday.

If only Bluetooth and WiFi would work continuously so I don’t have to keep going into settings to fix them…

I am in the quiet right now, no music, no children….

Well, to be fair, I texted him first about my personal hot spot not working.

So now. my oldest is texting me about things before he goes to work

I don’t mind.

Motherhood is my first priority.

Now it is quiet.

cicadas? Or something like that chirps

Crows fly overhead cawing

Neighbors dog barks

Wind blows the tall trees

And the leave rustle

A siren in the distance

Not a peaceful sound…

Or it can be, knowing someone is getting the help they need

But it brings knots to my stomach

Deep breath

I release the stress of the siren sounds…

The sun shines down on my back creating a glare on my screen

Showing all the dirt and smudge marks on my iPad screen

The temperature is perfect

A loud banging noise..

From my house?

No, not my house

The sound of cars…. and an airplane

The leaves rustling in the wind is my favorite sound

I could curl up and take a nap

I have been sleeping a lot lately

I figured my body needed rest

And yet…

I seam to sleep a lot and still feel tired

Warning sign

Shiloh, my beagle, comes running through the back yard, sniffing the ground

I don’t think he realizes I am here

Until I call his name and he freezes, tail perked

And then runs over and lifts his nose onto the outer edge of the trampoline to discover it is me

And off he goes again, running through the yard

I realize this is the reason I put music on to write

Music helps me focus

Today my husband was going to take 2 of our kids to Raleigh for the kids camp my sister runs for kids and dogs.

The plans changed so they are leaving tomorrow now.

I was looking forward to having a Sunday at home by myself.

I will have the next two days home, yet I also will be going into work both days.

Then Wednesday, I drive to Raleigh to do a parental swap.

I have right now, here outside in this beautiful weather, sitting on my trampoline.

I lay back and look up to see a hawk flying overhead with the moon in the bakyround

Then another hawk appears

I watch them soar, floating through the air

And then they are gone…

Life moves quickly until we stop and sit still for a moment

My pets know this, the dogs and our cat

Shiloh, the beagle, is sitting still and staring at a fence right now

A wooden fence

There are vines growing on our metal fence and our neighbor’s wooden fence sits against the metal fence

Shiloh sits still, turning his head from side to side on occasion as if to be looking up and down the fence

I call his name and he turns to look at me and then resumes his watch

If only I could enter his mind for a moment

8% battery on my iPad and my keyboard battery must be running low too

It is so peaceful out here and yet my battery will be dead soon and nature calls…

I know I can come back out here and yet, somehow I know once I go in, I won’t come back to this peaceful place on the trampoline to listen, to think, and to write

I need to make meatballs today for my husband to take for a meal on the trip

Life

For now, I sit and watch the leaves move in the wind

I take this moment to be still and peaceful

Quiet

Today is June 4, 2018

I went to a new psychiatrist today. This is my third psychiatrist in 2 1/2 years. I have not been happy with the psychiatrists I have seen. I have been disillusioned by the majority of the mental health community that I have encountered for myself and my children.

Today, I went to my appointment with a plan to be completely honest.

Refreshingly, the psychiatrist asked what brought me in today and I spoke frankly with her and she was real. She listened to what I said and spoke to my questions respectfully and authentically.

I decided quickly that I liked her.

She did not know what EFT was but she initiated asking me about it. She heard my perspective of my experience of depression and respected that I felt it was bipolar depression. She stated she was going to keep the major depressive disorder diagnosis for now, not sure why, but whatever, it does not really matter. She did understand Bioplar 2 and spoke clearly about it and asked specific questions about my experience.

I felt heard.

After the appointment, I thought about the law of attraction.

I was ready to be honest with the doctor and also wanted to be heard and that is what I experienced.

When I was depressed and sought a psychiatrist, I found one in an old building with no working air conditioning and so she ran a fan which affected my ability to hear her confounded by her soft voice, accent, and my hearing loss. And she only accepted cash payment, very inconvenient for me to have to have cash on me. I don’t have a local bank and so finding an fee free ATM is a challenge. Last thing I need when I am depressed is more challenges, hurdles, to going to the doctor that I most need to see.

When I was hypomania, bordering on manic, I saw a psychiatrist who although very open to alternative therapies and resources, was easily distracted and lacked focus.

Hmmm..

Something very funny about all of this.

The law of attraction is powerful.

I also worked today, at my newest job. The job where I feel like a queen in a palace. Quite an unusual feeling for me at work. I worked longer than I had told them I could work, but it worked out ok because the reason I had to leave early changed, an appointment I was supposed to have in the afternoon got canceled.

I have put in many hours at this new job and am happy to do so. I am getting the best pay rate at this new job, the best and the first time I have had a true increase in pay in over 20 years. Crazy, huh? No, I work in health care.

I went to get a massage today. A good friend offered a special on massages this month, 90 minutes for the price of 60minutes. I couldn’t pass it up, an opportunity to support her, get a great massage, and see my dear friend who I have not seen in a while.

I think I am now clearing toxins.

I feel like I need to exercise or something.

Restless discontent.

Maybe it is the fact that my husband, Don, and I are speaking in just 3 days and I am beginning to feel the panic of do I really know what I am doing speaking to a group of people about parenting?

This Panera closes too early, 9pm. I am used to the Panera that is open until 10pm. They are cleaning the floor already at 8:30 and out of 2 kinds of tea. I got prickly pear and don’t like it.

Restless discontent

That state of being agitated and bored and edgy yet uncertain

Not knowing what is going to happen next and ready to move forward

To move out of this feeling of unhappiness

Was I feeling unhappy?

life has been wonderful lately

Yet, a part of me is grieving

Grieving a loss

My life is about to change

Change in a good way

And yet, a change is still change and loss

Does change have to be loss?

No, yet it is a loss of the way life was…

And the way it was… despite the challenges, was familiar

I am entering into unfamiliar territory

I started 2 new jobs for 2 new companies recently

I lost my hours at a job I had been at for 8 years

They are choosing not to use me and also have changed policy so that even if they choose to use me, there would not be many hours for me

Body Language

A song by Queen plays as I write

Strange combination

Yet, body language is such a perfect image

For change, speaking to people

Not exactly the way Freddie sings about body language…

The way we communicate with each other

Communication includes how we say what we say

Respect

Consciousness

Collaboration

The three tenants of collaborative, conscious parenting

Moving through the restless discontent

The only way out of the mud, is through the mud…

Diving in deep

Deep into the mud

And Journey sings…

Workin’ hard to get my fill

Everybody wants a thrill

Payin’ anything to roll the dice just one more time

Some will win, some will lose

Some were born to sing the blues

Oh, the movie never ends

It goes on and on, and on, and on

Don’t stop believin’

Hold on to that feelin’

Gratitude: Embracing Bipolar Depression

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out

And if you want to be free, be free

‘Cause there’s a million things to be

You know that there are

And if you want to live high, live high

And if you want to live low, live low

‘Cause there’s a million ways to go

You know that there are

Cat Stevens sings as I sit here telling myself to write

Ups and downs, highs and lows

Bipolar depression and mood swings

Life challenges

Leaving me wanting to escape it all, at times

Other times ready to jump in and fight, power on…

Emotions

Feelings

Memories

Regrets…

Life for 48 and a half years and counting…

Opportunities come and gone

New endeavors

Staring new jobs, new people, new places, new computer systems…

Old jobs and people I have known a long time

Letting go

Moving on

Writing

Because I have to

Because it is what feeds my soul

Because when I don’t write,

I feel lost

Something is missing

Until I return to my keyboard

And figure out what to say

My life is awesome

Sometimes my life sucks

Circumstances and situations suck

Infuriated by government systems

Lack of organization and logic

Waiting

Mental health services

Sick care

Thinking of those things is a whole ‘ nother blog

Embracing myself and who I am

Embracing where I am

Right now

Right here

In this home

My 5 year home that I have lived in for 17 years…

With all its cracks and crevices and needed repairs

My house is nearly 49 years old, as am I

Built the year I was born

A good year

1969

I was born on Peace Day during the Vietnam war

October 15

I believe I choose to be born on that day

I was born 3 weeks past my mother’s “due date”

They allowed that back then…

Here I am

Now

Journey sings to me

Don’t’ stop believin’

Dreams

Writing

Aspirations

Hope

New endeavors with Don

Speaking

Speaking!

Writing and speaking my truth

My true self is emerging

i sing this song to my true self…

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

The mist is lifting slowly

I can see the way ahead

And I’ve left behind the empty streets

That once inspired my life

And the strength of the emotion

Is like thunder in the air

‘Cos the promise that we made each other

Haunts me to the end

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

The secret of your beauty

And the mystery of your soul

I’ve been searching for in everyone I meet

And the times I’ve been mistaken

It’s impossible to say

And the grass is growing

Underneath our feet

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

[Interlude:]

You see I know you’re out there somewhere

O yes I know you’re out there somewhere

You see I know I’ll find you somehow

O yes I know I’ll find you somehow

the words that I remember

From my childhood still are true

That there’s none so blind

As those who will not see

And to those who lack the courage

And say it’s dangerous to try

Well they just don’t know

That love eternal will not be denied

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

Yes I know it’s going to happen

I can feel you getting near

And soon we’ll be returning

To the fountain of our youth

And if you wake up wondering

In the darkness I’ll be there

My arms will close around you

And protect you with the truth

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

Thank you Moody Blues and Azlyrics