sharing my life experiences, reflections and insights as a mother, a writer, an Occupational Therapist and and a spiritual being having a human experience

Archive for September, 2010

The Ultimate in Letting Go, A Poem

The Ultimate in Letting Go

In memory of my beloved pets, Thumper and Lassie

Written: Wednesday,  Nov 21, 2007

Edited 9-17-10

Letting go

Releasing

Stepping out of fear

And into the light

Letting go

Allowing

Removing the sense of being in control

Stopping the ego

From it’s strong hold

Wanting to be in charge and have a say

Letting go

I pray

Letting Go

And Letting God

Releasing it

And sending it out

To the light

Letting go and Letting God

Turning it over

To a higher power

Allowing spirit to

Be in control

Learning to let go

Learning to be in the flow

Asking for divine assistance

Allowing God to take control

Letting God

Be in charge

Take care of me

Find the answers

Figure it out

Solve the crisis

Handle it

Let God HANDLE IT

Letting go

Getting out of my own way

And asking for divine assistance

Getting and staying out of my own way

Letting go

I shall never know

If I took the right path

If there is a higher goal

Is someone

Watching over me

Divine spirits

Shining down

And through me

Is it real?

These things I believe

These things that I feel?

A Real Life Experience of “Letting Go”

First written on: 11-21-07

Revised 9-17-10

Over the years, I have struggled with this concept of letting go.  Wondering what it really means or how to truly let go.  And how to let go and let God, how do you do that?

And then I found out… I experienced a big lesson in Letting Go.

I watched my cat, Thumper, die of kidney failure.  I chose to take no more actions, not that there were any actions to take.

We took her to the vet and found out she was in kidney failure and had little time left.  She lived just one more day.  I even kept living my life the day she died and did the things I had planned to do and she died in between our outings when we were home.  I realize that sounds cruel that I did not stop everything to be home with her.  Yet, somehow it worked out and I was at peace with it. Thumper was not the kind of cat that ever liked to be held, not since I first got her at 4 months of age.

I did spend the night before her passing sleeping on the living room couch to be near her and I woke in the night and I went to her and held her for a while.

So I was with her when she died, holding her and my children and I watched and said Unity’s prayer for protection as she passed…

The light of God surrounds us

The love of God enfolds us

The power of God protects us

And the presence of God watches over us

Wherever we are, God is

And all is well

It was not easy to say goodbye to Thumper.  And yet, I had nearly 15 years with her.  We said goodbye to her with a burial ceremony and sent a balloon with a message off to the sky.  We cried.  We grieved.  We let go.

Yet, the big lesson, the ultimate lesson in letting go, was 4 months later when I had to choose to say goodbye to my second cat, Lassie.

I had gotten Lassie and Thumper after moving over 600 miles from home to start my new life, fresh out of college.  My sister’s friend’s cat had kittens before I moved and I decided to take these two liter mates in when I moved.  My sister brought them to me the week after I moved into my apartment.  As I told my husband, they had been with me longer than he had.

Unlike Thumper, Lassie loved to be held.  True to her name, she followed me and liked to be held and pet and was the most tolerant and gentle cat I have ever met.  When my son was born, she hung around him, tolerating her tail being pulled, knowing that she would get more attention if she hung out near the baby.

From my perspective, Lassie liked having the company of Thumper.  They had been together since birth.  I always figured Thumper would be happy to be a solo cat but not Lassie.  And so after Thumper passed, it did not surprise me that within a month or so, she became sick.  We went to the Vet but knowing her age decided to not pursue anything further.  She had some sort of tumor on her spine that slowly immobilized her and required me to clean her up as she could not move to the litter box and eventually needed to be hand fed.

As she progressed and went down hill, I struggled with the idea of ending her life.  I knew it was the “humane thing to do”.  Yet, I did not like the idea of driving her to the Vet’s office because she hated being in the car, and did not like the idea of her dying in the sterile environment of the Veterinarian’s office.  I struggled with the idea for some time.

It took months of caring for her, bathing her nearly every day, and thinking things over for me to realize that her life lacked quality and the kindest, loving thing to do was to make the decision.   She was such a sweet cat and although she could no longer move, she still perked up when we came in the room and enjoyed being held.  Even when she could no longer make a noise to meow, she opened her mouth and gave us a “silent meow”.

And so  I came to realize that I had to make the decision.  I let her know it was ok to leave.  And I hoped for a long time that she would die on her own as Thumper had, in her own time.  I cried often in this period.  Knowing what was to come but not wanting to make the decision.

Thanksgiving was approaching and we had plans to head out of town.  I knew I could not leave her home which pushed me to take the next step.  It was difficult to just make a phone call and I continued to resist, the following took place over about a week’s time frame.  It took all my courage to call my veterinarian and ask if he would come to our home to end her life.  My vet was not able to come to my house and so I decided to find one that would.  I trusted my intuition in finding one as I first scanned the names in the phone book and then on the computer screen.  I was glad to find a woman Veterinarian.

I then made the difficult phone call.

I called the veterinarian that I did not know to ask her to come to my home and end my dear cat’s life.

I choose to let go, to let go of holding on to her physical life.

What Does It Mean “To let go”?

First written: 11-21-07

Revised 9-17-10

I have been a member of Unity for almost 10 years and from that church I learned the phrase, “let go”.  Maybe I heard it before then but I had yet to embrace the phrase as I have embraced the ideas and beliefs of Unity.  These beliefs were not a stretch for me.  They felt natural and what I had believed all along but did not feel I had permission to believe.

Randolph the minister when we found Unity would say,

“Let Go and Let God”

Let go and let God

I spent many years reading books with that message and hearing his message spoken through him and other ministers. And part of me wondered what does it  really mean to “let go”?

On the surface it means to forget about something or to not try to solve it or fix it.  And adding …let God, means allow God into your life and allow God to help you.

As much as I embraced these ideas and later when I attended counseling with an EFT coach, I realized I needed to ask for divine assistance.  Asking for divine assistance was something I frequently forgot to do.

Putting these ideas together, I now have:

Let go, release the worry, the fear, the doubt, the need to solve it

And Let God assist me, guide me, take over and handle it for me.

A little nagging voice within me grimaces as I say, “handle it for me” because I am independent and I need to do things for myself!  I need to take control, be in charge.  I resist the idea that I will let God do it for me because I believe that God is part of me and I am part of God and so therefore,  I need to take care of it myself.

I need to consciously and actively make the choice to let go and maybe…

Maybe it is my ego I need to let go of and my desire to control.

And let God, my higher self, handle it.  Release my ego mind from trying to figure it all out and control it all.

This is why I feel the need to write about these things because it is in writing about them that I figure it out.  In writing, I find my truth and the answers I am seeking.  It is my way of letting go.  I let go of the idea that I need to have all the answers before I can write about something, before I can write something to share with others.  I can go ahead and do it anyhow!  I now let go of perfection paralysis and all the “not enoughs” that go through my mind.

You know, not enough money, not enough time. Not enough education, not enough knowledge, not enough experience, not enough of me.

On a spiritual level, I know that I am enough.  Or at least the teachings of Unity tell me that I am all that I need. And I need to remind my self of that frequently.  I declare to the universe that I am enough and I am sharing my truth with others because it is what I feel in my heart that I must do.  Writing is a part of me and sharing my truth through writing is who I am and it is what I now choose to be and express and experience.

My Way

I live my way and I write my way

Do not criticize my way of life

And I in turn will remember to respect yours

And do not

Criticize my style of writing

Maybe it does not look like

What you are used to reading

It is not narrative nor true prose

Know this

I speak from my soul

It knows no boundaries

Nor  rules of language usage

It speaks through me

And so be kind

My soul has a time making itself heard in this body

I am a work in progress

As we all are

And so stay with me

And watch me evolve

As my writing will too

Join me on the journey

For you can evolve too

Maybe your writing is pristine

Or your relationships in this life

Know we all have our path

There are many ways

Many roads along the journey

Let’s find the common ground

Where the roads cease

And we are all on the beach

With the waves crashing on the shore

And we all see the same sunrise

And the same moon

Maybe at different times

But all the same

And the ocean

Connects us all

As do the stars in the sky

We have more in common than we know

All I ask is you join me and try to let go

Of your limiting beliefs and negative reactions

Leave your resistance at the door

Remove your cloak of fear

Open your heart

For where there is love

That is when we truly hear

The messge in our heart

We are all one

Connected

We share a common path

Spiritual in essence

On this earthly plane we walk

No matter our name

Or place where we reside

Keep you mind focused on the tide

The ebb and flow

Calms us

Brings true choice into focus

For now is the time

And this is the place

I am the one

You are the one

To use spirit’s grace

We each are on a journey

Choose your steps wisely

Ask what love would do next

And join  me wherever you choose along the way…..

…Namaste

Speaking my voice and disappering ink

The other night I could not sleep and so I decided to try to blog from my blackberry from my bed.  It was easier to do that  rather than get up and use my lap top in the kitchen, in case my toddler woke up, he sleeps with me. 

I went to word press and logged into my account.  I then followed a link to download word press for blackberry and it took me to a page of comments about downloading word press on your blackberry.  I read through some of them and hit the button again to download.  I was still at the comments page.  So I tried to add a post from the browser site.  I finally figured out how to add a post and got the box to begin.  But the funniest thing happened….

As I typed, the word would disappear after I hit the space key to enter the next word.  I typed a word, and poof- it was gone!  It was like using invisible ink.  Boy, this post might have a lot of typos but I plowed ahead determined to write a blog post.  I typed a paragraph or more and then the entire thing disappeared.

I was frustrated but found it funny.  Particularly funny because I have been on a self empowerment journey, participating in a mother’s empowerment group centered around the Chakra system and this week was the throat chakra.  The throat chakra is associated with speaking our truth, communication skils, listening and feeling heard.

I knew this week was a big one for me as I feel I have much work to do in this area- to  use my voice and speak my truth.  Something I yearn to do as a writer but have stalled in the process- look at how long it has taken me to have my own blog!  I created two websites before I started my own blog.  And I have 30 years of journaling.  It is not about not knowing what to write, it is about sharing what I write with the world.

And so here I was in the middle of the night, in the dark, on my small blackberry, typing and the words were disappearing!  It still makes me laugh.  And being able to laugh at myself in the process is a huge step for me on this journey.