sharing my life experiences, reflections and insights as a mother, a writer, an Occupational Therapist and and a spiritual being having a human experience

Archive for February, 2016

Don’t Look Back, Keep Moving Forward Post4:The other side

I have skipped several weeks writing.  Yet, in that time, I have moved so far foward!

(My last post)

I hardly know where to begin right now.  I parked myself in my bedroom to write about 4pm.  Cold, rainy with chance of wintery mix on this Monday and so I choose to cozy up at home to write.  Took me over an hour to pack up and head to my room- and almost 3 1/2 hours to finally open Word Press.  

I went to my Charlotte Homeschooling Website, which I usualy do first. Wanted to update my profile picture. Then was looking for a new picture for my Child-led Learning page. I just realized, I never found that particular picture I was looking for…

Instead, I spent my time going through my Facebook Album of Uploaded Photos and saving pictures on my computer in a file entitled “Child-Led Learning”.  Each picture I found and shared found me saying,”this would be great for a blog post” and even thinking of things I could write about with each picture.

Procrastination

I procrastinate well.  But I pushed myself with the help of my wonderful husband bringing me dinner and reminding me to write! I then switched my music from Pandora to my old phone playlist entitled, “Writing” which I used years ago for writing inspiration on my Monday nights out.

I wasn’t sure what to write about.  I  really wanted to write a Child-led learning blog because I have not done that in awhile and recently have been filled with inspiration and multiple ideas.  I knew I needed to just jump in and figure it out as I wrote. This too is part of my journey out of depression.  I have found myself on a wonderful “upswing” for well over a month now.  I felt this last back in summer- fall of 2014 before I crashed down in late 2014-early 2015.  I am going to go to a Psychiatrist soon.  First time for me.

I have been taking an anti-depresant (SSRI) for about 10 monts, presribed by my primary doctor (family nurse practioner).   I have a close realative who has Bipolar II and have wondered for a long time if I don’t fit criteria for Bipolar Disorder.  I also know that taking an anti-depressant may not be the best medication choice for me if infact my depression is caused by Bipolar Disorder.  My depression became so signifcant for me, I knew I needed help.  I knew I needed more help than all the things I was already doing.  I had thought about medication for years, at least since my daughter began taking an SSRI in 2013.  That was one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to make, to make the appointment with the Psychiatrist and to realize my daughter needed more help than we could give her and depsite all our efforts with diet changes and a variety of alternative therapies since we  first recognized her  sudden onset of moderate to severe OCD in Spring of  2010.

It took me until early 2014 after a dear friend had a heart to heart talk with me about my depression.   I made the phone call shortly after our meeting and scheduled an apt for myself with my primary and even made sure my husband could attend with me becuase I wanted someone to help me follow through with my request for medication.  I had to wait a few months for the appointment and scheduled it as a well check up, something I was do for anyhow.  I went to her because I liked that the fact that she respected alternative medicine and modalities and saw value of both convential medicine and alternative.  She brought up two things that hadn’t occured to me, bio-identical hormones, I was 45 at the time; and trying supplaments first.  Why had I not tried some supplaments first?  Maybe becaue I was too lost in my depression and drained from carying for my daughter’s mental illness to take that initiative.  The bio-identical hormones information made a lot of sense to me, yet I knew this was more than my hormones because I could look back on my life and see this issue for a long time.  I also could not allocate money for a modality not covered by insurance at the time.

I left with a plan to try supplaments first, ones she recommended.  Yet, I also was kicking myself for not sticking to my plan and not informing my husband ahead of time that the reason he was with me was to be sure I asked for the medication.  It took me a few weeks to order the supplaments, then I took them for maybe 2 months.  Then I contacted her, through their wonderful online patient portal system.  She had told me when I had gone to see her that she would write a prescription for me.

It was easy!  I desribed things to her via email and she called in the prescription. She started me on a low dose (5mg for week then 10 mg). I was happy to start slow.  After 4-6 weeks,  I felt like it might be helping.  A few months later (I think), she incresed it to 20 mg after discussion with her and another appointment.  Again, after about 6 weeks, I thought I saw improvement on the new dose.  Yet, I wasn’t certain.  I was busy engaging in self development work at the same time which I know has had a huge impact on me.

I remember this past fall, wishing I was in the place I had been back in  the fall of 2014.  I knew I wasn’t there and still struggling with depression.  Yet, I was able to pus on, moving more foward then I had been able to do months before.  There definitely was a big switch in January.

For months, probably a good year, I was stuck.  I didn’t know what to write about.  I didn’t have much desire to write.  I began working more on my website first, and making some needed improvments.  Yet, the inspiration for writing came more slowly.  Earlier this month, February 2016, I messaged an online private writing group that I have been a part of.  They are a group of woman writers who set individual  weekly or monthly writing goals and help hold each other accountable.  I last participated in Octover of 2014.  I think t hat was the only month I participated. I contact them, ready to participate again! 16 months later.  Everyone was too busy, but made plans to do a writing challenge after Valentine’s Day, which I am realizing is today.  Guess I need to go to the group and check!

Before I become like a squirrel and venture off on another tangent, something that has been happening to me more often lately, scampering wildly from one idea to another, I will conclude with a few thoughts.

This is one of my favorite songs of all time. It played earlier as I was writing.  It’s been a while since I listened to it and felt the inspiration I used to feel when I would hear it play as I wrote.   It has such meaning and always had for me.  I share it in entirety.

David Wilcox:  Turning Point (from the album of the same name)

Just one turn to steer your fate

Or wait for fate to spin you

Your trusting’s fine but much too blind

Your compass is within you

These days pass you yearning

Like empty pages turning

You’re holding out for somjething real, oh yeah

You can’t play pretender

Because you still remember

Just how full your heart can feel

But how long the distance

Getting by and getting through

Your heart’s strong insistnece

Says that nothing else will do

But you could try on their distractions

And wear some empty compromise

But it’s hard to breath inside

Some cheap disguise

You can live your life completelty

That true path, you’re here to find

Or stay scared, leave your destiny behind

It’s right now, here’s the turning point in time

But just one thing can kill this dream

To compromise your vision

We find our truth or live some lie

It rides on this decision

Meanwhile those othere voices

Hurry up and rush your choices

Try to second guess your fate, oh yeah

You can’t wait forever

Goota pull yourself together

Feel the time is running late

Well, this time right now

The turning point is here

So look deep, see clear

Soon your chance will disappear

Or you could drift into distration

Wear that empty compromise

But it’s hard to breathe inside

That cheap disguise

You can live your life completely

That true path, you’re here to find

Or stay scared, leave your destiny behind

It’s right now, here’s the turning point in time

Here’s the turning point in time

Here’s the turning point in time

Read all posts in this series here. “Don’t Look Back, Keep Moving Forward”

 

 

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