I want to break free

Queen inspires this post

I want to break free of old patterns.

Of old ways of surviving

I want to return to thriving,

To living life rather than getting by

I lived in a world of highs and lows

I lived in a world of depression and hypomania

I learned to survive that way

I pushed through the depression and got through the days

I thrived in hypomania, found my true self and prospered

I knew even when I feel, that I could bounce up again

Now we have taken away the upswing

“You are high functioning with depression”

that is w hat my doctor said

Maybe if you compare me to others

But to me, I feel barely alive with my depression

I feel like I am struggling to get through

I may look like I am functioning

But am I?

Is spending hours each day on phone app games and streaming tv functioning?

Missing appointments and not following through with phone calls from doctors

Wanting to exercise but not doing it

Wanting to engage more with my family, but not managing to do more than discus television shows

Making a step forward every once in a while

And then not making steps forward for a while

Being emotionally withdrawn even from myself

Not writing

And not doing what I love

To me that is

not functioning

I make it to work, most of the time

Until I get sick and getting better is extra difficulty

I eat meals and manage to be sure everyone get fed, with my husband’s help

My husband helps a lot…

Grocery shopping, cleaning, home maintenance, getting kids to places, taking care of our pets

Growing our new business and continuing his practice

Today, I made a phone call.

I got a hold of my son’s doctor to straighten out a prescription.

I have many more things on my to do list

My should have gotten done weeks ago…list

I need to take it one small step at a time

I made that phone call this morning

It was even still morning

Tomorrow, I can make another phone call.

Tomorrow, I can write another blog

Maybe I can write my way into a new life

Nothing else has worked long enough to keep me going more than a few months

I can try this

I can write

Raising children and recreating myself

It is not easy to walk a different path.

We grow up with expectations of what life looks like and how it will look in the future. And then the future happens, and it is unexpected. One decision leads us down a different path than we could have ever imagined.

Our children come to us, with their own path.

We have to step out of our expectations and avoid putting our forgotten desires onto them. We have to forge a new path in the uncharted wilderness of life. We make mistakes and step back and acknowledge our mistakes to ourselves and to our children.

Our example is our greatest lesson for them, even when we aren’t looking.

Reflection is important in every step along the journey. Our children are recreating themselves into who they are and the more we can allow them and not put our expectations onto them, the less digging out they will have to do as adults.

Recreating ourselves while raising children and juggling life responsibilities presents challenges. No matter who we live, life presents challenges. It is how we face the challenge that matters, not the end result.

Being strong means sticking with life even when it seams easier not to.

My faulty coping strategy is avoidance.

disappearing into mindless games, distractions, television, Netflix…

Sleeping

Illness

It is funny because I thought I had moved past the physical illness overtaking me when emotionally I couldn’t cope. I used to have frequent infections and visits the doctor often. Until I found natural health, chiropractic, acupuncture and Eastern medicine, Naturopathy. I moved into going to the doctor less, improved my diet and added supplements. I think this worked well while I was exercising regularly.

I remember even using exercise as an avoidance tool. I used to spend 30-60 minutes walking and then that much time after stretching.

How do I bring that habit back?

I have made effort and have gotten into a morning exercise routine for a short period of time, days, or even weeks of more regular exercise and then it ends.

I think I have lived for so long with the up and down swings that I am finding myself lost knowing how to live without those swings. I think I had come to depend on the upswings to pull me through and propel me forward and so the next downswing, I would still come out ahead of where I was.

I am on a mood stabilizer now and have not had an upswing in some time. About 8 weeks ago, I was just below normal, or that is how I described it to my psychiatrist. She likes to use wave analogy, drawing wavy lines on a board to show my mood swings.

It is really more than mood swings. I would call it, waves of function, dysfunction. Or low function and high function.

So after years of swinging and coping with this pattern, now I have to figure out how to live a different way.

Hmmm…

figuring it out, somehow

One small step at a time

One post at a time

Today: pushing forward with gratitude

I am grateful for…

Making mistakes

Sticking with my new doctor

Patience

My job

Quiet time alone

Music

My family

My husband, Don, the amazing man he is

Cats and kittens

New things in our life

Supportive people

Friends

Supportive friends

Options

A really yummy salad

New location to have my time

Shifting gears

Trying

Nice spring weather,

A cool breeze

Abby trusts me enough to call me with problems

She reaches out to me when she needs help

Our wonderful veterinarian

Sunshine and Shadow and

The joy those adorable kittens brought to our life… all of us

Thinking about something besides myself

Don helping me when I need it most

Don, taking care of things when I can’t

typing

Writing

Trying

A walk

Fresh air

New yard and working septic system

Shit going where it is supposed to

Opportunities

Business coach who gets what we do

New opportunities

Patience

Doing the work

Moving forward, no matter than pace

Making strides

Opportunities to speak

Planning

Approaching 25 year anniversary

Don in my life for the past 8 years… life could have been so different

Don has been here the past 8 years.

Stopping to really think about that

I can’t really get my head around that fully… what could have been…

Moving forward

Trying

Doing my best

I really am doing my best in each moment

I am doing my best

I am doing my best in each moment

I am doing my best in each moment

I am doing my best in each moment