Stop and Smell the Roses

This blog has always been about my journey in this life and through this blog, I process experiences, share my truths in a raw and often unfiltered fashion, and then I post it for all to see as a way for me to use my voice and speak up. I have spent too much of my life being the quiet pretty one. When I decided to create this blog, I made the decision to own my truth and speak it out loud. I made the conscious choice to be vulnerable and true to myself. It was my effort to stop hiding behind being a good girl and doing what I thought I was supposed to do, to behave the way others expected of me.

Reflecting over the past year since my last post, I have come to realize the importance of this blog in my life. I see that I can continue to use this blog as my processing point. When I don’t have an avenue to write and release these pent up feelings and emotions, toxicity builds within me that can lead to depression as well as avoidance and insecurity.

As I have written over the years, I see my growth as a writer and am now more conscious of being more focused and concise in my blog writing. I do see how many of my posts I ramble on. This awareness has impeded my ability to share freely and kept me locked inside and not writing.

I can release my inner truth here and share my edited and more focused blogs on our business page, FocusedHealthyfamily.com .

And for blogs specific to child-lead learning I have a variety of posts including some reflective posts and others that are much more specific and focused with resources and links.

Today, my share comes in the form of the following song which has become my current anthem.

A lot’s been changin’ lately and I can’t tell
If it’s me or if it’s everybody else
But I’m done wastin’ my time on the woe is me bull****
That’s keepin’ me from being myself
So look around and tell me what you want me to see
Maybe you’re the person that you always wanted to be
Why you wanna be a sad boy, waste your time?
Lookin’ for something that was right here all along

I think we’re gettin’ it wrong

It’s too bad
When did it get cool to be so sad?
We’re spinnin’ backwards, did we all go mad?
Yeah, we’re only human but wе’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smеll the **** roses

I said that I would never get what I want (Nope)
But I was only lookin’ for a reason to flaunt
Think I’m over trying to break down everything that comes out
Maybe it’s impossible to know what it means
What’s it like to be a loser, happiness abuser?
Smilin’ at the thought of never livin’ it down
Does it matter if it’s uphill, downhill?
I’m lettin’ it go, I’m lettin’ it out

It’s too bad
When did it get cool to be so sad?
We’re spinnin’ backwards, did we all go mad?
Yeah, we’re only human but we’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the **** roses

It’s too bad
When did it get cool to be so sad?
We’re spinnin’ backwards, did we all go mad?
Yeah, we’re only human but we’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the roses
It’s too bad
When did it get cool to be so sad?
We’re spinnin’ backwards, did we all go mad?
Yeah, we’re only human but we’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the **** roses

(A lot’s been changin’ lately and I can’t tell
If it’s me or if it’s everybody else)
We’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the roses
(So look around and tell me what you want me to see
Maybe you’re the person that you always wanted to be)
We’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the roses

The Band Camino

Tuesday Train Ride: The value was so much greater than the cost

I took a spontaneous trip back to Raleigh with my daughter last night

She was home for just one night

For a weekend after Thanksgiving

For time with family

It wasn’t enough time

It wasn’t enough time for her to recharge

It wasn’t enough time for me to love on her

To fill her cup

Trying to get on the road to be home by 8pm

Reluctant to leave

Leaving on a Monday around 4:30 pm 

So much traffic…

I sat in her room 

As she packed up to head home

Reluctant to leave

Leaving on a Monday around 4:30 pm 

So much traffic…

I sat in her room 

As she packed up to head home

I listened to her

I was a shoulder to cry on

As she vented and stressed about returning to her place

Hugs

Then, I had an idea…

The train!

In 30 minutes I managed to:

Locate a train for the next day

She could drop me off on her way to work

I could take the 10am train home

“But Mom, I have to leave for work by 8am”

I can hang out at the train station

It’s a beautiful train station with comfortable places to sit

I had taken a train back home several months ago

It was a Friday evening train

It was crowded and my first time ever riding 

An Amtrak Train

Tuesday, mid-morning

That should be easy!

I packed an overnight bag

Last minute trip

No time to worry

Limit my luggage to carryon bag and back pack

I was focused and got it done

My husband got food together for us

We loaded her car and were on the road at 5pm

Half a tank of gas

“I got home on half a tank, it should be enough”

I had a feeling we would need gas

She talked and I drove

Driving my old civic

The car we gave her when her Subaru became unreliable

Lively and engaged in conversation

Much different mood than an hour before in her room

Low gas warning light

She found a station with low price with Gas Buddy

As I filled the car with gas

A woman in a red Camry asked me for help

She was lost and out of gas

She wanted directions

I did not know my way around

My phone!

I used my navigation app 

To enter the address of where she needed to go

I read to her what it said

She looked lost and confused

“Please help me” she repeated

I asked my daughter to write down the directions

She asked for a few dollars for gas

I dug in my wallet knowing I had no cash

Between the two of us, we only had coins

My credit card!

I offered to fill up her car with some gas

“Thank you”

She was so grateful

She was parked too far from the tank 

And parked with the wrong side facing the tank

She struggled to drive between my car and another

To turn her car around to pull up to the tank

I wanted to offer to drive the car for her

I chuckled at the situation

“Are you laughing at me?”

Amused by the situation and happy

Happy that I could help her

I told her I wouldn’t have helped if she had been a man

And she understood and agreed

Happy to help her out

Knowing her feeling of being lost

And out of gas

I had been in a situation as a 23 year old

At night driving home without my wallet

Turned the wrong way and was so low on gas

It was 1993 and I had no cell phone

I imagined I would need to stop at a gas station and beg for a dollar to fill up my tank…

Wow

I did not have to stop that night

I made it back to my apartment

Here I was almost 30 years later

Helping someone else in a similar situation

My daughter and I were happy that we took the time too help

I heard her ask someone else for directions as I filled her car

She was headed to the hospital

I was even more grateful that I was able to help her

She had found someone who would help her

To let her follow them to get her back on the right road

To get to the hospital

I never asked where she was going and why

My daughter and I enjoyed time together at her house

Watching our favorite TV show

And then off to bed to get up by 6:30 am

She has a spare room in the house she rents with a friend

It has been convenient for us to visit and stay with her

It feels so good to be there for her

When she needs us

To spontaneously pack a bag

And drive her home

Gratitude: Ode to Occupational Therapy

Reflecting on my 53 years on this earth and 30 years living in Charlotte

I feel a sense of peace and gratitude thinking about my career as an Occupational Therapist.

I am so grateful for:

My guidance counselor in highschool for one year when my regular counselor was on sabbatical

He asked me if I wanted to be a teacher or a nurse

And then showed me a book with a list of careers

I had an interest in special education and psychology

In that book, I found a description of Occupational Therapy

The practice of occupational therapy means the therapeutic use of everyday life occupations
with persons, groups, or populations (clients) to support occupational performance and
participation. Occupational therapy practice includes clinical reasoning and professional
judgment to evaluate, analyze, and diagnose occupational challenges (e.g., issues with client
factors, performance patterns, and performance skills) and provide occupation-based
interventions to address them. Occupational therapy services include habilitation, rehabilitation,
and the promotion of physical and mental health and wellness for clients with all levels of ability related needs. These services are provided for clients who have or are at risk for developing an
illness, injury, disease, disorder, condition, impairment, disability, activity limitation, or
participation restriction. Through the provision of skilled services and engagement in everyday
activities, occupational therapy promotes physical and mental health and well-being by
supporting occupational performance in people with, or at risk of experiencing, a range of
developmental, physical, and mental health disorders.

American Occupational Therapy Association

The description was simpler than the above definition by AOTA

Recalling things from 36 years ago has its challenges

I remember my amazement as he fed a piece of paper into a machine and it produced a list of colleges

Colleges with a major in Occupational Therapy

I had no idea what a fax machine was

It was 1986

I only guessed, years later, that it was a fax machine

I am so grateful for:

That moment when I read the description of Occupational Therapy and new in that moment

I had found my path

I never intended to have a career

My vision of my adult life was to work as my mother did

And when I got married, I would stay home to raise my kids

College was what you did after high school

You picked a major and found a college to attend

I am grateful for my parents and their focus on my education

I am grateful that my parents always chose a place for us to live that had a reputable school district

I am grateful that we were living in Pennsylvania when I was in high school

And Pennsylvania had two liberal arts colleges with a major in Occupational Therapy

I wanted to go away to college yet didn’t want to travel too far

I was able to visit both of these small schools and spend a night with a current student and visit the Occupational Therapy department

College Misericordia and Elizabethtown College

I am so grateful for the amazing young women I met at Etown

I am so grateful for their friendship

I am so grateful for:

The amazing professors and instructors at Etown

The most amazing four years of my life at Etown from 1988- 1992

Getting accepted to the program as they only took 40 students each year

Discovering adult physical rehabilitation at Good Shepherd Nursing and Rehab

When my previously scheduled clinical in Erie was canceled

I am grateful for all the opportunities in my life

I am grateful for all the opportunities I chose

I am forever grateful for my first job as an OT at Charlotte Rehab

And all the amazing people I met and had the privilege of working alongside

I am so grateful for this path I chose for it has led me to

Right here and right now

I am filled with amazement and joy at my life

Right here and write now

True Colors: Emotional Vulnerability

I have been blessed with four amazing women in my life and the group of us have been meeting up virtually and weekly since March. We have grown close in that time and have been through a physical health journey with the Restart: sugar detox program which is how we met. And then we embarked on a mental health journey with the Positive Intelligence program.
We started Restart with 6 women and our fearless facilitator and had no idea how connected most of us would become. More than six months later, we support each other daily through the magic of virtual communication via Marco Polo, Zoom, text messages, and even phone calls.

Being part of this group has been a stretch for me. It is outside my safety bubble of my immediate family. I share openly in my writing and that feels easy. Speaking to others and in a group, even on zoom, can be a challenge for me. Sure, I am good at surface conversation and simple chat. That is part of my job as an Occupational Therapist and I have a sense of comfort in that setting. A conversation that goes beyond where you grew up, what you do for a living, how many children or grandchildren you have, etc. requires more effort and energy. I am a great listener, most of the time, and especially with those outside my family. Yet, sharing my own thoughts, feelings and experiences requires vulnerability.

We use this term often, vulnerable. We applaud each other on being vulnerable.

When you read the Merriam Webster Dictionary definition of the word you find this:

Definition of vulnerable

1: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

2: open to attack or damage : ASSAILABLEvulnerable to criticism

3: liable to increased penalties but entitled to increased bonuses after winning a game in contract bridge

I dug further by searching Emotional Vulnerability and found an article entitled, Emotional Vulnerability: What It Is and Why It Matters written by a psychologist who defined it as:

“The willingness to acknowledge your emotions, especially painful ones.“

In reading this article, I can sum it up with this one sentence taken directly from the end of the article.

“Emotional vulnerability is simply the skill that allows you to acknowledge difficult or painful emotions instead of immediately avoiding them or reacting to them.“

I invite you to contemplate your own experiences with emotional vulnerability and sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings with important people in your life.

In what settings or with what people have you felt true to yourself?

What people or situations create the desire to withdraw or hide your true self?

My challenge has been building meaningful friendships. I share openly with my husband and my children. I am a mixed bag with my family of origin. I believe my biggest challenge has been in building intimate adult friendships. I do have many amazing friends in my life and many who have been there for me and my family during my husband’s health crises and during other events. My ability to share of myself in these relationships is what I believe has prevented me from feeling more fully connected and supported.

As you ponder these ideas, I will leave you with these beautiful lyrics first sung by Cyndi Lauper:

• You with the sad eyes
  Don’t be discouraged
  Oh I realize
  It’s hard to take courage
  In a world full of people
  You can lose sight of it all
  And the darkness inside you
  Can make you feel so small
• But I see your true colors
  Shining through
  I see your true colors
  And that’s why I love you
  So don’t be afraid to let them show
  Your true colors
  True colors are beautiful
  Like a rainbow
• Show me a smile then
  Don’t be unhappy, can’t remember
  When I last saw you laughing
  If this world makes you crazy
  And you’ve taken all you can bear
  You call me up
  Because you know I’ll be there
• And I’ll see your true colors
  Shining through
  I see your true colors
  And that’s why I love you
  So don’t be afraid to let it show
  Your true colors
  True colors are beautiful
  Like a rainbow
• (Can’t remember when I last saw you laughing)
• If this world makes you crazy
  And you’ve taken all you can bear
  You call me up
  Because you know I’ll be there
• And I’ll see your true colors
  Shining through
  I see your true colors
  And that’s why I love you
  So don’t be afraid to let it show
• Your true colors
  True colors
  True colors
  Shining through
• I see your true colors
  And that’s why I love you
  So don’t be afraid to let them show
  Your true colors
  True colors are beautiful
  Like a rainbow
• _{Writer/s: Billy Steinberg, Tom Kelly
  Publisher: Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
  Lyrics licensed and provided by LyricFind}

Three Little Birds: beautiful, creative, noisy children

Last night the five of us were together for game night. Abby joined us via Facetime yet it felt almost as good as her being here in person. Looking at these sweet faces and thinking over the past 13 years since this picture was taken, I realize that this is still how I see them in my heart.

I have two children in their twenties and a teenager. Did I see this 30 years ago when I decided to move to Charlotte? Becoming a mom was always on my mind. I envisioned having at least 4 children. Instead I have 3 birthed children and now have a wonderful almost daughter-in-law, who balances out our act. I have shared my home with two dogs and a total of 5 cats, as well as the three cats who adopted our property as their home base.

My life feels full, overflowing with love. My son has taken our boxes of more than 30 years of pictures and has been scanning them into digital format for us. I helped him sort some of them by date and shared many memories and laughs with him; sweet tender moments, silliness and a few pictures from my teenage years. There were more than 5000 pictures in those boxes that had been sitting on the top shelf of a closet. Now we will be able to organize and categorize them in a google drive easily accessible to all.

Today I stood outside at 6:00 am before the sunrise. I listened to the sounds of nature and looked at the quarter moon in the star speckled sky. I recalled camping trips with my kids and our friends from many years ago. One year, Don joined us for a family camping trip and what I remember most is how it poured rain one afternoon and the 4 of us huddled in the center of our leaking tent listening to the sound of the rain. My youngest never had the experience of camping.

I have options. I can choose to focus on lack and the experiences she didn’t have. I can choose to see missed opportunities and things I wish I had done differently or I can choose love and abundance. I can recall the memories for the experiences they were and see the gifts in my life as well as for all of my children. They have their own individual paths on this journey we call life as do all of us.

The biggest challenge for me is wishing more connection for my youngest. Her siblings spent more time together in our early homeschooling journey being only four years apart. When I look at this picture it reminds me of those precious years when the five of us were all together under one roof. Trips to the park with the four of us when my minivan was full of spare clothes, random books and papers and three beautiful, creative, noisy children. I see the love they have for each other and especially their baby sister. My last birthed baby who was the missing puzzle piece for our family.

This connection that I have created with my children fills me with pride. My husband and I have birthed a family environment of support and connection. Despite the challenges we have been through and those that lie ahead, we know we can count on each other. My son shows up when my daughter moved into her apartment and she felt strongly about being there for him and his move. My youngest looks forward to game night with the six of us and I believe we all share that love of time together.

I see this picture and I know their connection can continue to grow with time as my youngest moves through her. teenage years. This reminds me of when our outside cat, Nox, gave birth to three kittens. As we found homes for them, my then ,20 year old son wanted them to all go to a home together. He didn’t want to see them split up from their siblings. My greatest wish for my children is no matter where life takes them, that the three of them can stay connected and always be there for each other.

September: Mundane and Meaningful Autumnal Reflections

March 2022: I joined restart with a group of 6 amazing women and embarked on a sugar detox journy.

Little did I know this journey was about far more than physical health. It was a pathway to friendships and an avenue for delving deeper into my personal path of growth and discovery. Those words do not even adequately describe this experience.

May 2022: This same group of amazing women signed up for Positive Intelligence with our fearless leader. Beyond nutrition, we immersed ourselves in understanding the messages we tell ourselves. The positive and negative messages and how they have served us and a new path towards healing.

July 2022: Four of us chose to continue to work with the woman who first brought us together with Restart which includes weekly zoom meet-ups and daily check-ins using the Marco Polo app and a text thread. Never before have I participated with the same group of people for this length of time on a deep emotional level of connection.

August 2022: I chose to shift my food choices once again to clear myself of sugar and foods that don’t serve me. It felt so much easier this time, in part because I had learned new skills and had continued at least 50% of the time with a new way of eating and looking at food.

It is now September and I am finally seeing the reward for my efforts. I feel better in my clothing and have more energy than I have felt in a long time. I start each day, or most days, more eager to engage in my life. Only one month ago, I had a goal to walk 30 minutes 3 1/2 times per week and I have now walked 7 of the past 9 days, almost an hour and over 5000 steps each time !

I began this blog 12 years ago. My first post was published August 28, 2010. My mind instantly goes to the ages of my children at that time. My greatest role in life is being a mom. Rather than resist the thought, I will embrace it. My son was 12 years old and approaching his 13th birthday. My middle child 8 and my youngest just 19 months old. We were a busy home/unschooling family meeting up weekly with our homeschool group and participating in numerous events and activities. I had returned to work part time that early that year due to my husband’s job loss in the summer of 2008.

I created Child-led Learning with my first blog post in May of 2013 now, further along in our home/unschool journey and with many conferences behind me including multiple times serving as a presenter. My kids now ages 15, 11 and 4. At the age of 43, I began focusing my writing on what had become my biggest passion, learning through living. That title was already taken and so I chose Child-led Learning for my blog as I feel my children have led me in my own journey of personal growth and knowledge. And I have followed their interests to further facilitate their journey of educational growth and enrichment. These concepts along with allowing them freedom of choice including how they spent their time, created a unique learning experience for each of them and for myself. For each of them, day to day life has looked different and also very different from the schedule created by traditional school.

I am a writer.

Writing is my path and my passion. I feel compelled to write and share my thoughts, reflections and experiences. I write for myself and believe that if it helps even one person on their journey then it has been worth sharing. I also share my writing to put myself out there and break out of the negative mindset of feeling invisible. I remember the first time I took that big step out of my comfort zone by selecting, publish.

Stepping further back in time, I launched Charlotte Homeschooling.com 14 years ago. So much has happened in 14 years, in nearly 53 years of life, and also over the past 6 months.

September, the start of autumn. The leaves fall off the trees in the northern hemisphere and as the cycle of plant life winds down, many people begin a new school year.

My personal mental health journey and struggles with bipolar depression have not followed a time rhythm, not in duration of each phase nor in correspondence with the climate seasons. My ups and downs have been created as life challenges have placed themself before me and how I have responded to them. I have often risen to the occasion with a big life challenge and then months later have found myself drained and depleted by the experience. Other times, I have become overwhelmed during a challenge and have fallen further as I felt disappointment in myself for not responding more effectively. I see too how there are times when I have created a more desirable path for myself. When I engage fully in my joy it further elevates my consciousness and allows me to find the positives in any given situation.

On October 15th of 1969, almost 53 years ago, my consciousness emerged into this physical world in a 10 lb, 7 oz package. I believe from a spiritual perspective, that I chose October 15 to emerge into the physical world as a declaration of my intentions and truth. My mother always told me it was world peace day, decided that very year during the Vietnam War. My research lead me to learn about the Moratorium to end the Vietnam War which was a massive demonstration and teach-in across the United States against the US involvement in the Vietnam War. This event took place on October 15, 1969 and was followed a month later by a large Moratorium March in Washington, DC where over a quarter of a million people gathered and then marched down Pennsylvania Avenue bearing candles and led by Coretta Scott King.

As I reflect not only on this world famous momentous occasion, but also the at times mundane yet meaningful experiences of my person life, I feel a divine connection and a calling to continue to speak my truth and to share it with the world.

Manic or Magical Monday ?

Magical, marvelous, mystical, mighty Monday

Terrific, tremendous Tuesday

Wild, wonderful, wistful, wacky Wednesday

Thoughtful, thankful, thriving Thursday

Fantastic, fabulous, funky Friday

Spontaneous, special, satisfying Saturday

Superb, soulful, super shiny Sunday

How do you begin your day?

What are the first thoughts you have as you wake up each day of the week

I love when the song Manic Monday comes on the radio because I change the lyrics to

“It’s just another wonderful Monday. Glad it is Monday, because that’s my fun day.”

Working weekends, I look forward to Monday. I work sporadically during the week as well and so this week, Tuesday was my funday.

For me, the challenge is to avoid the dread of Saturday. It is so easy to get trapped in the mindset of begrudging our work days.

Everybody’s working for the weekend
Everybody wants a new romance
Everybody’s goin’ off the deep end
Everybody needs a second chance,

How would our experience change if we started each day with a new mantra?

If we relabeled our days with possibility and released expectation would it change the outcome?

One way to do this is to change up your routine and begin your day in a new way. It could be as simple as walking a different path on your morning walk or making breakfast the night before to have something tasty and nourishing ready for you as you wake. Prepping things the night before can give you time for the next day or allow you to sleep a little longer. Get up 15 minutes earlier and have a journal on your nightstand to release your running stream of thoughts as you awake or use the writing time to set your intentions for the day.

After my shower, I pick up my “Gratitude, Thank you God!” Journal where I declare my intentions for the day and write gratitude for things that have transpired as well as things not yet completed.

• Journal Entry: Saturday May 21

I am so grateful for now

for PQ reps to start my day

Diving healing love, focus, smooth easy work day.

Divine healing love is flowing through me now

Calm, confident, comfortable, connected, smooth and efficient work day

Smooth flow

Divine healing love is flowing through me and

And for this I AM grateful

Diving healing LOVE is flowing through me and surrounding my family Thank you God!

You can live each day in the dread of the expectations of what is yet to come

You can choose a new thought or even if you can’t shift your mind, you can shift your actions.

Step outside and:

• breathe the air

• watch the sunrise or the clouds or the rain drops

• stand barefoot on the ground

• focus on birds or the trees

• close your eyes and listen to the sounds of the earth

You can choose to a new beginning at any time of the day

You have a million moments in 24 hours to step into a new direction.

What will be your next step?

Accountability: Positive Intelligence

This is powerful s#%@!

Part of the Positive Intelligence program involves being a part of a pod with 5 other people and setting goals for yourself. Having others to help hold you accountable is something I have never tried before.

The past few weeks have been difficult for me.

I have found myself not wanting to get up out of bed in the morning and avoiding doing things I needed to do. I went for weeks without walking despite telling myself that I needed to get out and walk.

Last night, my husband and I gave an in person presentation for the first time since 2019.

We were invited by a local chiropractor to hold a talk at her practice.

We shared tools and techniques from the Communication Skills Workshop we facilitate and engaged the parents in the material.

On the way to the presentation I decided to do some PQ reps as recommended in the Positive Intelligence program. PQ reps are simple exercises for taking command of your mind and the goal is strengthening the part of your brain that empowers you. The app for Positive Intelligence gives you recordings to listen to as well as keeping count of the PQ reps you complete and a meter to indicate your charge level. I decided to power up my charge meter before the talk. I did enough PQ reps to bring my charge meter to 99%.

Wow!

It really did work. I was more confident than I typically am at a live in person talk, or any talk for that matter. I didn’t even use any note cards for this talk like I have in the past. Don and I had practiced it enough times including the day of the presentation.

PQ reps are like mini meditations for 10 seconds or more that you do with simple focus on sounds, touch, hearing or movement. The key is doing them many times throughout the day.

My depression never follows any seasonal path nor any particular time frame. The only correlation I have seen with it is the events in my life and possibly triggered by difficult circumstances in my life.

More than ever, it is important for me to have a tool to use daily and throughout the challenges of ordinary life with my family to refocus and build the aspect of my mind that takes charge and moves me to where I choose to go rather than being stuck in “my story” and victim mode.

I am excited to talk more about this program and share insights from it in an upcoming podcast with Don on our Focused Healthy Family Podcast.

I also will add it to the list of tools and resources for our new class we are building to follow the parent communication class we currently teach.

I would love to hear from our readers and listeners on your thoughts, insights, questions and challenges. As Don and I record our podcasts, we would love to hear your questions or ideas for topics.

It is spring here in NC and my view as I sit on my front walkway is blanketed with green trees. I invite all of you to step outside if even for 5 minutes. Listen to the sounds that you here in the distance and then tune in to the sound of your own breathing.

And find a friend or two who you can talk with weekly to encourage each other on your own personal goals and help hold each other accountable.

Embarking on a New Journey: Positive Intelligence

I have embarked on a new program with the wonderful women from my Restart group.

I am investing my time and energy into this program in order to….

I am at a loss for words.

Why am i participating in this program?

I see how I have sabotaged myself in pursuing what matters most to me.

I see how negative mindset and old patterns stop me from moving forward.

I made connections with 5 amazing women and want to strengthen the relationships and have an avenue for support.

I believe in gathering as many tools as I can to help me navigate my journey.

Life has thrown a lot of sh… challenges my way and it is time for me to fully step into my divine and take back my power!

The concepts in the Positive Intelligence Program are familiar to me.

We have saboteurs that were developed in childhood to help us survive.

Yet, they are no longer needed in our adult lives and we need to first identify the aspects of these old coping strategies that no longer serve us.

Shirzad Chamine, the author of the book and creator of the program, labels our lead saboteur as our Judge.

We judge ourselves and we judge others. There are 10 additional saboteurs and he provides an assessment to determine what other factors are at play.

I have learned that the Victim, Pleaser and Avoider are next after my Judge Saboteur.

He says there is one main saboteur after the lead Judge.

When I took the assessment, the scores for all three were equal.

What does all of this mean?

It means I am recognizing the factors that are having a negative impact on my life. I am learning new skills to shift my brain away from victim, avoider, and pleaser consciousness and into my sage, as Shirzad labels our higher self, our inner wisdom.

Participating in a program like this with other people helps me to be accountable.

We set goals and check in with each other daily. Yet, it is far more than a goal setting program.

Depression has reared its ugly head in my life once again.

I see how my Avoider stops me from taking action and my Victim leaves me feeling hopeless and defeated. Yet, I find myself trying to seek reassurance and approval from others, my Pleaser saboteur.

I listen to the lyrics of Soul Asylum, Runaway Train, and feel the depths of my depression.

I hear A Great Big World tell me, “You’ll Be Okay”

You’ll be okay
You’ll be okay
The sun will rise
To better days

And change will come

It’s on it’s way

Just close your eyes

And let it rain

A Great Big World

And my all time favorite song reminds me to take back my power

Well, I won’t back down
No I won’t back down
You could stand me up at the gates of Hell
But I won’t back down

No I’ll stand my ground
Won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground
And I won’t back down

Tom Petty

Through the woods

Darkness

Shadows of the past

Struggling to move forward

Sleep over takes me and I resist getting out of bed

Pushing myself to take steps and then slipping back

Missing the morning sunrise as seen from my front porch

I awake at sunrise several days but decide to stay in bed

Today, I choose differently

I stepped outside in the crisp April air

The trees obscurred my view

Yet, I stood there in the quiet

Amidst the noise of the morning

Birds had much to say

One step forward

Going outside

And then deciding to walk

Through the wooded path between the trees

Listening to songs that go deep in my soul

Hearing the sounds of the world around me

Time to myself while others sleep

Reflection

Introspection

Moving my body in order to move my mind

Forward

Through the woods and to the other side