Stop and Smell the Roses

This blog has always been about my journey in this life and through this blog, I process experiences, share my truths in a raw and often unfiltered fashion, and then I post it for all to see as a way for me to use my voice and speak up. I have spent too much of my life being the quiet pretty one. When I decided to create this blog, I made the decision to own my truth and speak it out loud. I made the conscious choice to be vulnerable and true to myself. It was my effort to stop hiding behind being a good girl and doing what I thought I was supposed to do, to behave the way others expected of me.

Reflecting over the past year since my last post, I have come to realize the importance of this blog in my life. I see that I can continue to use this blog as my processing point. When I don’t have an avenue to write and release these pent up feelings and emotions, toxicity builds within me that can lead to depression as well as avoidance and insecurity.

As I have written over the years, I see my growth as a writer and am now more conscious of being more focused and concise in my blog writing. I do see how many of my posts I ramble on. This awareness has impeded my ability to share freely and kept me locked inside and not writing.

I can release my inner truth here and share my edited and more focused blogs on our business page, FocusedHealthyfamily.com .

And for blogs specific to child-lead learning I have a variety of posts including some reflective posts and others that are much more specific and focused with resources and links.

Today, my share comes in the form of the following song which has become my current anthem.

A lot’s been changin’ lately and I can’t tell
If it’s me or if it’s everybody else
But I’m done wastin’ my time on the woe is me bull****
That’s keepin’ me from being myself
So look around and tell me what you want me to see
Maybe you’re the person that you always wanted to be
Why you wanna be a sad boy, waste your time?
Lookin’ for something that was right here all along

I think we’re gettin’ it wrong

It’s too bad
When did it get cool to be so sad?
We’re spinnin’ backwards, did we all go mad?
Yeah, we’re only human but wе’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smеll the **** roses

I said that I would never get what I want (Nope)
But I was only lookin’ for a reason to flaunt
Think I’m over trying to break down everything that comes out
Maybe it’s impossible to know what it means
What’s it like to be a loser, happiness abuser?
Smilin’ at the thought of never livin’ it down
Does it matter if it’s uphill, downhill?
I’m lettin’ it go, I’m lettin’ it out

It’s too bad
When did it get cool to be so sad?
We’re spinnin’ backwards, did we all go mad?
Yeah, we’re only human but we’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the **** roses

It’s too bad
When did it get cool to be so sad?
We’re spinnin’ backwards, did we all go mad?
Yeah, we’re only human but we’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the roses
It’s too bad
When did it get cool to be so sad?
We’re spinnin’ backwards, did we all go mad?
Yeah, we’re only human but we’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the **** roses

(A lot’s been changin’ lately and I can’t tell
If it’s me or if it’s everybody else)
We’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the roses
(So look around and tell me what you want me to see
Maybe you’re the person that you always wanted to be)
We’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the roses

The Band Camino

September: Mundane and Meaningful Autumnal Reflections

March 2022: I joined restart with a group of 6 amazing women and embarked on a sugar detox journy.

Little did I know this journey was about far more than physical health. It was a pathway to friendships and an avenue for delving deeper into my personal path of growth and discovery. Those words do not even adequately describe this experience.

May 2022: This same group of amazing women signed up for Positive Intelligence with our fearless leader. Beyond nutrition, we immersed ourselves in understanding the messages we tell ourselves. The positive and negative messages and how they have served us and a new path towards healing.

July 2022: Four of us chose to continue to work with the woman who first brought us together with Restart which includes weekly zoom meet-ups and daily check-ins using the Marco Polo app and a text thread. Never before have I participated with the same group of people for this length of time on a deep emotional level of connection.

August 2022: I chose to shift my food choices once again to clear myself of sugar and foods that don’t serve me. It felt so much easier this time, in part because I had learned new skills and had continued at least 50% of the time with a new way of eating and looking at food.

It is now September and I am finally seeing the reward for my efforts. I feel better in my clothing and have more energy than I have felt in a long time. I start each day, or most days, more eager to engage in my life. Only one month ago, I had a goal to walk 30 minutes 3 1/2 times per week and I have now walked 7 of the past 9 days, almost an hour and over 5000 steps each time !

I began this blog 12 years ago. My first post was published August 28, 2010. My mind instantly goes to the ages of my children at that time. My greatest role in life is being a mom. Rather than resist the thought, I will embrace it. My son was 12 years old and approaching his 13th birthday. My middle child 8 and my youngest just 19 months old. We were a busy home/unschooling family meeting up weekly with our homeschool group and participating in numerous events and activities. I had returned to work part time that early that year due to my husband’s job loss in the summer of 2008.

I created Child-led Learning with my first blog post in May of 2013 now, further along in our home/unschool journey and with many conferences behind me including multiple times serving as a presenter. My kids now ages 15, 11 and 4. At the age of 43, I began focusing my writing on what had become my biggest passion, learning through living. That title was already taken and so I chose Child-led Learning for my blog as I feel my children have led me in my own journey of personal growth and knowledge. And I have followed their interests to further facilitate their journey of educational growth and enrichment. These concepts along with allowing them freedom of choice including how they spent their time, created a unique learning experience for each of them and for myself. For each of them, day to day life has looked different and also very different from the schedule created by traditional school.

I am a writer.

Writing is my path and my passion. I feel compelled to write and share my thoughts, reflections and experiences. I write for myself and believe that if it helps even one person on their journey then it has been worth sharing. I also share my writing to put myself out there and break out of the negative mindset of feeling invisible. I remember the first time I took that big step out of my comfort zone by selecting, publish.

Stepping further back in time, I launched Charlotte Homeschooling.com 14 years ago. So much has happened in 14 years, in nearly 53 years of life, and also over the past 6 months.

September, the start of autumn. The leaves fall off the trees in the northern hemisphere and as the cycle of plant life winds down, many people begin a new school year.

My personal mental health journey and struggles with bipolar depression have not followed a time rhythm, not in duration of each phase nor in correspondence with the climate seasons. My ups and downs have been created as life challenges have placed themself before me and how I have responded to them. I have often risen to the occasion with a big life challenge and then months later have found myself drained and depleted by the experience. Other times, I have become overwhelmed during a challenge and have fallen further as I felt disappointment in myself for not responding more effectively. I see too how there are times when I have created a more desirable path for myself. When I engage fully in my joy it further elevates my consciousness and allows me to find the positives in any given situation.

On October 15th of 1969, almost 53 years ago, my consciousness emerged into this physical world in a 10 lb, 7 oz package. I believe from a spiritual perspective, that I chose October 15 to emerge into the physical world as a declaration of my intentions and truth. My mother always told me it was world peace day, decided that very year during the Vietnam War. My research lead me to learn about the Moratorium to end the Vietnam War which was a massive demonstration and teach-in across the United States against the US involvement in the Vietnam War. This event took place on October 15, 1969 and was followed a month later by a large Moratorium March in Washington, DC where over a quarter of a million people gathered and then marched down Pennsylvania Avenue bearing candles and led by Coretta Scott King.

As I reflect not only on this world famous momentous occasion, but also the at times mundane yet meaningful experiences of my person life, I feel a divine connection and a calling to continue to speak my truth and to share it with the world.

Drowning in Tears: Feeling my feelings and moving through them

Last night, I was very upset and so I went to my cozy chair in the basement where I write. I curled up with a blanket and my “Sad” playlist, adding more sad, sappy songs from the 70s.

I brought my crochet bag with me. I crocheted the blanket I have been working on for my nephew’s birthday. I crocheted and cried and got lost in the music and lyrics.

I realized it has been a long time since I have allowed my feelings to flow like that. Bottled up feelings came pouring out, anger, resentment, frustration, sadness…

My mind was flooded with so many situations that have bothered me over the past several years. I felt very alone at the time and rejected. I felt like I was being swallowed by my feelings. I was in the flood of tears and sorrow like floating alone in the middle of the ocean, out of sight from land.

I felt ignored by my partner, my best friend, my spouse. Yet, I wasn’t ready to accept anything from him. Looking back on it now, I see that I needed to stay in my feelings and allow them to be really be felt. I curled up and fell asleep for a short while. He came downstairs around 11:30, tapped me on the shoulder and said, “You’re falling asleep. It’s time to go to bed.”

I didn’t want him or anyone telling me what to do. I was awake when he came down and I know I had fallen asleep. I had intentionally set my crochet down and curled up to sleep because I was exhausted by my feelings.

I did get up because sleeping on my chair, as comfortable as it is, is no way to sleep. I wanted to be in my bed with the covers over me. I just didn’t want to interact with anyone. I had my earbuds in the entire time, lost in my music, comforted by my music. I got ready for bed and climbed in with my ear bud still in one ear as I lay on my side to sleep.

I did not fall asleep right away. It was late and our 12 year old was still awake which bothered me. It was almost midnight and I worried she was having a flare up of anxiety and worried how he would handle it. I took out my ear bud, heard talking but not the words and decided it was calm. I lay there partly wanting him to approach me and give me a hug, apologize.

When I was curled up on my chair crying and crocheting, my 19 year old came down the stairs several times doing her laundry. She looked over at me and I looked up. She put her arms out and without words, let me know she would like to give me a hug. I still had my earbuds in listening to my music. She came over to me and gave me a big hug.

“Thank you” I told her

And she went upstairs without a word.

I felt seen and heard and loved in that moment.

I realized that was exactly what I needed. And it made me cry even more. Tears of joy and pain. Feeling proud that I had raised this amazing young woman and grateful that she understood. She understood what I needed in that moment and gave it to me without judgement and in the way I needed in the moment, without words.

When I am depressed, as in experiencing major depression, I do not curl up in a chair and cry. I may spend moments curled up and alone, yet for the most part, I feel numb and detached from my feelings. I distract myself from my feelings and at times even see that. Knowing it is too painful to feel everything that I am feeling and that I still need to function. I need to function enough to work to bring in income to take care of my family, to be sure they are fed and attended to with their basic needs.

I disappear from myself and engage in avoidance which usually looks like me lost in a game on my phone or binging on tv shows.

Last night, I did it differently.

I was upset at my husband and unhappy with how an argument had ended, how the entire conversation had transpired. I choose to be alone, listen to music and work on a project I was eager to complete. I withdrew to my safe space, my personal space I have created for myself. As I cried and crocheted, I realized I needed to let these feelings out. I got lost in how alone I felt yet looking back now, I see I needed that.

Today, I woke up not knowing how my day would proceed. I showered because I never did that yesterday and wanted to feel fresh. I was happy that I woke up while everyone was asleep. I needed more alone time to process and in order to move forward.

I decided to step outside on the porch like I have done regularly over the past week or so. It is my new morning routine, a meditation and quiet reflection time standing on my porch with the eastern sky view of the sunrise.

I stood on the porch, listened to my meditation song and watched the beautiful red and purple colors of the sunrise on this cold, crisp, January morning. I was deliberately choosing each next step that I took. I fed the outside cats, I had made my tea. Standing on the porch, I decided I needed to take a walk and what a wonderful morning to walk.

I needed to express my feelings outwardly to release the intense emotions with movement of my body. Flipping through songs on my iPhone, I matched my walking pace to the songs. I reflected over thought provoking songs and I danced and sang with empowering music. It felt so good to walk as I realized how much I needed to take that walk.

I am the one who tells my children that when their brain feels stuck either with depression or anxiety, that getting out and moving their body is so important.

Moving helps the brain to move out of the anxiety and getting outside helps to ground ourselves and to center ourselves. Walking or exercising or just moving outside is brain food. Exercise for the brain and body which is one of the best things we can do for our mental health.

Now, I write.

Writing is meditation for me. Writing is who I am. When I am writing, I am expressing myself, enabling myself to be the grandest version of the greatest vision every I held about who I am.

Find your outlets for your feelings. Find what works for you. When you can take care of yourself in this way, by feeling your feelings and moving through them with intention and reflection, you give your children the greatest gift.

Our children learn through our example. In order to help them accept and process their feelings, we need to take care of ourselves and this includes feeling our feelings and allowing them to see our experience.

We can create a safe space in our homes for feeling feelings. We can give our children a time when they can let out their frustrations without any judgment from us. We empower our children when we empower ourselves.

In order to move through feelings, we must first step into them like entering the water to swim to the other side.

2021: January 18

On this day of your life, Gina, I believe God wants you to know … … that there is a Chinese proverb: Great doubts deep wisdom. Small doubts little wisdom. Never stop doubting, never stop questioning, never, ever assume you have all the answers. Having all the answers kills the question itself; renders it lifeless –and you, too… Keep looking, keep seeking. Never, ever find it all. Because when you find it all, you deny that there is more. And there is never not more.

Neale Donald Walsch

“Seams like I should be getting somewhere, Somehow I’m neither here nor there. Can you help me remember how to smile? Make is somehow seam worthwhile. How on earth did I get so jaded?”

Soul Asylum, Runaway Train

Listening to my Writing Inspiration playlist, Pushing myself to return

To return to where I belong…

Sitting at a keyboard and going within

Tom Petty knows just when to show up

Learning to Fly…

I turned 50 October 15, 2019 and it was a grand celebration at the beach with my family with a pre solo- celebration in September with my first ever, solo beach trip…and not my last.

Somehow, it is 15 months later and shit happened

Weight gain

Global pandemic

lack of writing

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder flare up in my child

work changes

Less hours, then more, then less… then more…

Stuck treating patients in their rooms, unable to use the large, wonderful therapy gym

Unemployment checks… that was nice

Who knew the underemployed could collect?

A Pandemic changes everything

Everything is always changing

But pandemic changes suck!

I don’t need more quality time with my family!

I am not living in this pseudo reality of “wow, how wonderful to have this “Excuse” to spend more time with my family and focus on what matters!!!! #$%&

I have made choices to allow me to have more time with family

Financial choices, work choices, living in a small house and driving aging cars…

My husband and I have made choices for 23 years to have quality time with our kids and to be there for them

We made those choices years ago

We didn’t need some God-forsaken pandemic to remind us what is important!

Maybe the pandemic helped you to refocus, I respect your path

But for me, it has sucked!

My youngest child has social anxiety and being around others is more challenging than academics.

Maybe today, after all these months, I can see that they have had more time online to grow friendships and have made strides in understanding friendships and this might help them in the near future to connect in person with others. I can hope…

I found myself loosing the desire to go anywhere

Content to stay in my bubble of work and home

In the beginning, I remember being excited to go to the grocery store, I choose to go rather than my husband, so glad to get out!

But that was months ago…

I have let him do nearly all the shopping.

I work my part time irregular hours at the nursing home.

And I stay home, going on necessary zoom or video calls mostly for doctor visits, for me and my kids.

Here is is, almost one year past the initial pandemic lock-down

The self-absorbed haters tried to take over the Capitol

We worry about the future, not only for ourselves, but for our kids

The optimist in me, knows somehow this too shall bring great change

All of it, the political strife, social unrest, injustice and this crazy virus and how the world has responded

Yet, I just want to scream ouch fort to the world…..

What the F#$%!

I had way too much shit on my plate before March 2020. before November 2016….

Life has to get better, somehow…

All I know to do is to write

Writing to find my inner peace and my own truth

I leave you with these words…

When the day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you’re sure you’ve had enough
Of this life, well hang on

Don’t let yourself go
‘Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it’s time to sing along
When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (Hold on)
If you think you’ve had too much
Of this life, well hang on

‘Cause everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don’t throw your hand, oh no

Don’t throw your hand
If you feel like you’re alone
No, no, no, you are not alone

If you’re on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes

So hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts

No, no, no, no you are not alone

Sneaking around at 5am

I used to be a night owl

And still stay up late on occasion…

Yet, now I wake up and feel like I was out drinking the night before

I think that feeling began to happen about twenty years ago when I was 30

Since my husband returned home on November 6, after open heart surgery…

I wake up early and am eager to get up to have time to myself

Some mornings, my youngest child has fallen asleep in my room

Her anxiety often flares up at night and can quickly escalate to a panic attack and a meltdown

Snuggling to sleep with mom, helps to dissipate or prevent the meltdown

I wake up and slowly move out of bed so as not to wake my sleeping child

If my child stirs, then I stand still in the dark, waiting…

There is a sound machine we use to drown out noise

I make sure the volume is turned all the way up

I move very slowly on the hardwood floor, waiting for the ocean waves to rise

Waiting for the sound machine noise to be at its loudest before taking a step

If I make too much noise when my child stirs, they might wake up

A child with an anxiety disorder needs all the sleep they can get

An almost 11 year old child with an anxiety disorder definitely needs more sleep…

Pre- puberty… oh my

Parents worry about “the terrible twos” and teenage years…

The real challenge in parenting is the pre-puberty years

Around age 9, 10, 11

That is when the most change happens, emotionally

My other child with an anxiety disorder, had a major flare of her disorder just prior to her 11th birthday and it continued to escalate when she turned 11.

She didn’t have a birthday party that year, the year she eagerly awaited her Hogwarts letter

We would have been happy to invite her friends over as we had done every year since she was 2

Having her friends all come over for her birthday is something she cherishes

And still does at age 17

Yet, the year she turned 11, she couldn’t even touch the birthday presents we bought her and didn’t want her friends over, she was stuck in the house for months…

She doesn’t remember much about that birthday

Much of her life when her OCD, her sever anxiety disorder, was flaring its ugly head…

…Is a blur to her

Now my next child who also suffers from this sometimes crippling anxiety disorder, is a few months shy of turning 11

It brings back tough memories

We know so much more now and have so much more help in place

Yet, the worry, the fears, the anxiety about our child’s anxiety is still there…

It is now 6am and I have made it out of the bedroom with my child still asleep

I have tiptoed down our creepy stairs to get my iPad keyboard and it’s stand

To return upstairs to my child’s empty bedroom in order to write

I have not gone to the basement where my comfy chair sits..

the place where I usually write, my office to be, a work in progress

Because my husband is asleep in the living room in the recliner

He is recovering from triple bypass surgery and is more comfortable sleeping in the chair

He wakes easily at any noise

He needs his sleep as well

Recovery from surgery is a slow process…

Recovery from open heart surgery is a very slow process

I sit with a desk top light shining

I am long sitting on the bottom bed of my child’s bunk bed

There are no pillows in the room for me to lean up agains the wall

Clothes are scattered about the floor, and tissues…

I resist the urge to pick up the clothes and the tissues and all the random things scattered on the floor…

My left foot is going numb

I reimposition myself

I now appreciate time alone

I never used to understand my husbands love of early morning hours in the quiet…

While everyone else was asleep

I always said, “I enjoy late nights when everyone sleeps”

Now, I understand

Now, i value this early morning time alone

Now, I look forward to being the only one awake

This is the best time for me to write

Before I dive into social media on my phone

Before I chat with my husband, which I do enjoy

Time first thing in the morning, to talk together while kids sleep is also wonderful..

I have found peace in the silence

I have my earbuds on but have not yet turned on my music

I am alone with my thoughts in the dark silence of six-thirty am

Writing first thing is the best way to begin my day

I now can see how much better my day proceeds when I take time to write first thing

When I take time alone with my thoughts before doing anything else

My day proceeded with intention and a sense of peaceful calm

I look up and see the sun rise behind the trees outside the window

The blind is drawn up about 4 inches,

Just enough for me to catch a glimpse of the sunrise

Getting up to raise the blind, I realize my left hip is sore from sitting crossed-legged

I am reminded that my body is fifty years old

the same age as my house

The cats who sleep in our basement, meow

And I know that will wake my husband

It is time to walk quietly downstairs to feed the cats, to quiet them…

Incase my husband can still fall back asleep

Getting up early and moving quietly through my house has been well worth the effort.

My letter to all: 4 Days Post Triple Bypass Surgery ( I am)

Saturday, November 2: I wrote the post below (at the bottom of this long addendum) on Facebook while updating friends/ family about my husbands status. He has been recovering from CABG surgery after a failed stress test.

It began as A midnight trip to the hospital due to mild chest pain (3/10) and mild shoulder/ arm numbness.….

**** Never ignore chest pains OR the atypical signs of a heart attack (or a stroke)!

*Seek medical help immediately and call 911 if you are alone*

*Do NOT drive yourself to the hospital*

*Call 911 if the pain increases or If the pain is unlike anything you have had before.

***There might NOT be chest pain. When my husband had his heart attack, *he had NO chest pain. He had *pain that began in the middle of his back and went up to his neck and then around his ear* He had numbness in his RIGHT arm which then became cold and clammy***

I have had healthcare provider CPR training many times in the past 28 years. Yet, It took ME almost too long to realize what was happening and to call 911.

It has been 8 1/2 years after he suffered that massive, nearly fatal heart attack/ cardiac arrest resulting in a 12 day hospital stay, 3 stints in his coronary arteries, home health services and then 3 months of cardiac rehab.

That “event” happened on May 4, 2011 in front of me and our children who at the time were ages: 2, 9 and 13.

It left scars on all of us that were reopened when I brought him to the hospital with similar symptoms.

Today is Tuesday November 5, 2019 and exhaustion got they best of me Saturday night and Sunday. Monday I had to stay home from the hospital because I was sick. Lack of sleep, emotional stress, and being spread too thin as a caregiver = an opportunity for a virus to invade.

It was a big slap in the face that I needed to take care of myself. Sure I knew that, but who was going to make sure my kids had clothes to wear, clean dishes to eat from, Provide then the Love and support they needed as their father was once again in the hospital for heart disease, AND establish plans for them to have help, AND be there for my husband as an advocate for his care, support for him in his healing and oversee his recovery, and be his wife and best friend.

Because I have written the post below in the context of my husbands recovery, I will add this additional information.

I have been working in adult and geriatric rehabilitation for 27 years. I have worked with people recovering from traumatic brain injury, strokes, falls, a variety of illness and all kinds of surgeries including open heart surgery. I have worked in an acute rehab center, subacute rehab, long term care and home health. I have worked primarily with people ages 18- 100.

Now that most post hospital rehabilitation happens at the sub-acute level in “nursing and rehab centers”, I see many people under the age of 65 in addition to those over the age of 65.

As an Occupational Therapist, I am the person, who helps facilitate their return to living all aspects of their life including Activities of daily living: bathing, dressing, toileting, hygiene, meal preparation, home management and anything they did before their illness or injury including return to community and their job.

My degree included learning all the aspects of physical and mental Rehabilitation. I had classes in anatomy and physiology, kinesiology, neurology, psychiatry, and normal and abnormal human development from birth through death. It included 3 different level 1 clinical experiences and 2 twelve week, 40+ hours per week, fieldwork/ unpaid internship working and learning alongside a supervising OT where by week 9, I was completing all the responsibilities of a licensed therapist. I took a licensure board exam and maintaining my license requires 15 hours of continuing education every year.

Yes, helping your husband in the rehabilitation process is much more personal and I rely on the professionals involved in his care to oversee his care. Yet, I know very well the extend of his recovery and how slow recovery is/can be. And I know what is required for him to return to living his life again.

The following is my unedited Facebook post:

Thank you family and friends for all of your prayers and thoughts, and healing energy.

Side note: I am a writer and my writing style is raw, honest and real.

I blog about my life For my own healing and to help others who might be having similar struggles in life. I get my family’s consent before sharing anything publicly. And these Facebook updates I put only out to friends and family.

I “tell it like it is” when I write and when I write in the moment it is just that, my in the moment thoughts. I also write reflectively.

I believe that we are all one and connected and we are more than our bodies. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. I believe in the law of attraction and a student of Unity principles. And a reader of Conversations with God.

I believe in being my authentic self and am so much more confident at being who I am not at age 50, then when I was younger. I had low self esteem issues from my teen years forward. Well …since I am sharing all… In case you haven’t read my blog. I have type 2 Bipolar depression and finally on a mood stabilizer after trying different anti depressants for a few years. The SSRIs helped maybe but then Led to hypomania. Hypomania is different than mania. This disease runs in family. Anxiety disease is as real as cardiac disease.

I believe in wholistic medicine and supporting the body to heal because our bodies are amazing and have remarkable ability to heal when supported. I believe in western medicine. I know ALL TOO well that my husband would NOT be here on this earth without it. I had that hard slam in your face lesson in 2011 and once again am FOREVER GRATEFUL for all the medical staff including EMTs, doctors, nurses, aids, therapists, etc. and hospital staff who have treated my husband, brought him back to life, and given him longevity for his life here on earth.

Don is my best friend and my soul mate.

I am so relieved that he had this surgery because now my worries about him having another heart attack can be eased some. in the past 8 1/2 years, I have always known he could have another heart attack any day, that he had 50% diffuse blockage in multiple distal arteries (ones that lead to the main ones) and that his 3 stints might not last forever. Sure, my worries and fears calmed over time. Yet never went away… when I woke up in the middle of the night and he wasn’t in bed, the fear crossed my mind more often than not.

I lectured him over the years on paying attention to his blood pressure and not ignoring any symptoms that were similar to his “atypical heart attack symptoms”.

And am so glad that On November 28 just before midnight when he felt some mild chest pain and arm tingling, he took a nitro and when I came up to the room about a half hour later, he told me he wasn’t feeling well. I told him to take another nitro and we talked to Abby quickly and got in the car. His pain level was never more than a 3. Our drive to the new hospital by our house is 2 miles away on 1 road- state highway. I watched him anxiously as we drove there. His symptoms were so mild, and as his tests came back all normal at the ER, I began to worry they would send him hime with no answers to his symptoms.

Everything tested “normal” until he did the nuclear stress test. And Tuesday afternoon sent him to the main hospital via critical care ambulance with 2 critical care nurses. Back to the same hospital he came to 8 years ago in May of 2011. The same hospital where Harrison was born nearly 22 years ago…

I also know that complementary and alternative medicine, modalities and support have added to the quality of life and have helped everyone in my family heal in many ways and with many issues.

I am so grateful for all of the doctors. Specialists, and practitioners of EFT, Reike and many other things as well as supplements and the myriad of things that have helped not only Don, but everyone in my family.

Life is not black and white.

I believe in embracing all that is needed.

Don and I have very similar spiritual beliefs as well as similar nutritional / medical beliefs/ opinions.

I have worked in health care for over 25 years and understand the pros and cons and know the value of traditional western medicine and it’s limitations.

I spent too many years of my life not wanting to offend anyone and focused on “doing the right thing” and being the person I thought I was “supposed to be”. Trying too hard to work within the system and taking care of other people, at work, with my family and friends. I thought I was taking care of myself too.

I have been writing and journaling for 40 years, since my first journal at age 10. it took me along time to start a public blog for my writing. It took me a while to share my writing openly for others to read… for anyone to read. …

This is who I am

I am a writer,

I am a mother, a wife, a sister, an aunt, a cousin…etc

I am a homeschooling/unschooling parent

I am an Occupational therapist

I am a mom who loves being a mom

I am a child-led learning coach

I am a behavior transportation specialist working with families in a new business created by Don and myself.

I am a spiritual being having a human experience.

Challenges to Change: we can miss the writing on the wall

Inspiration happens in many ways.

I often listen to music as I write and when a song captures my attention, it sparks something within me, and I begin writing, finding my own meaning in the words.

Growin’ up you don’t see the writing on the wall
Passin’ by, movin’ straight ahead you knew it all
But maybe sometime if you feel the pain,
You’ll find you’re all alone everything has changed

In my journey of self discovery, I have been reconnecting with old friends.

This time, I met up with someone I had known for years from when I began homeschooling. We first met about 14 years ago. We saw each other when our kids had shared interests and therefore we found ourselves at the same events. This is typically how I have met people and have made friends over the years of homeschooling my kids. We knew each other and became Facebook friends yet never spent time together as friends. Life circumstances connected us more, yet our connection remained virtual.

You know how you meet someone and feel an instant connection?

I knew I liked her from the time I first met her, yet our paths never led us to getting together with our kids.

We got together and what I intended to be a casual meet up turned into a 4 hour conversation with us discovering we had so much in common, our lives had taken similar paths and we found ourselves sharing things we had never shared with anyone before.

We both talked about becoming a mom and how it changed us.

I always wanted to be a mom.

I remember looking forward to the day when I would have my own daughter, and imagined what she would be like.

I remember going to college with a new passion for this field of study I had chosen, yet I always envisioned that I would work for a few years until I had children.

I found myself enjoying being an Occupational Therapist and happy with the field I had choose. When my husband decided he wanted to go into business for himself as he was tired of the corporate world, we talked about having children, and I recall telling my co-workers, it doesn’t matter who stays home with the child. Dad staying home with the child is just as good as mom.My co-workers with children disagreed.

After 3 1/2 years of marriage and a year of my husband left his job to grow his own business, our first child was born.

I didn’t have that instant connection with my child the way I have heard people describe. I loved him from the start and was so excited to be a mom, yet it took me time to develop the sense of a strong connection.

At the end of my twelve week maternity leave I found myself saying,

What have I done? I don’t want to leave my baby and go back to work!

Life changes us

We talked about how if someone had told us years ago that this is what our life would be like now, we would never have believed them.

Play the game you know you can’t quit until it’s won
Soldier of only you can do what must be done
You know, in some ways you’re a lot like me
You’re just a prisoner, and you’re tryin’ to break free

I can see a new horizon underneath the blazing sky
I’ll be where the eagle’s flying higher and higher 
Gonna be your man in motion
All I need is a pair of wheels
Take me where the future’s lying St. Elmo’s fire 

Burning up don’t know just how far that I can go 
Soon be home only just a few miles down the road
And I can make it, I know I can
You broke the boy in me, but you won’t break the man

I also enjoy discovering why a song was written and the author’s meaning.

In a search for the meaning for this song, I found this information on song facts

David Foster and John Parr wrote this song specifically for the movie St. Elmo’s Fire, but the song itself is about a Canadian athlete named Rick Hansen, who was paralyzed from the waist down after a car crash when he was 15. On March 21, 1985 Hansen began his “Man In Motion” tour, traveling about 70 miles a day to raise money for spinal cord research. At first, Hansen had trouble getting media attention and donations, but when this song was released with the movie in June, it became his anthem, and as the song rose up the charts, interest in Hansen’s journey grew. By the time the “Man In Motion” tour was completed on May 22, 1987, Hansen had put over 40,000 Kilometers (24,856 miles) on his wheelchair in 34 countries on four continents, raising $26 million. He became a national hero in Canada, where he is closely associated with this song.

How ironic

My children’s anxiety disorders and my own undiagnosed Bipolar Depression, paralyzed our family.

Now, my husband and I have created a business to help other people struggling in the ways that we did.

I am passionate about educating people on mental illness and in particular Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I have really enjoyed digging into this song because I found so much behind it.

St. Elmo’s Fire describes a weather phenomenon involving a gap in electrical change.

It is a phenomena that looks like dangerous fire, and is an electric charge, but in reality, it does not give you an electric shock the way lightening can.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, OCD, is a condition in which the brain tells a person that they are in eminent danger, when in reality they are not.

My life has had many challenges and twists and turns.

The unexpected challenges and changes in my life have led me to where I am now.

I now feel like I am being the person I was always meant to be.

And I am so excited to move forward in my journey…

I can see a new horizon underneath the blazing sky
I’ll be where the eagle’s flying higher and higher
Gonna be your man in motion
All I need is a pair of wheels
Take me where the future’s lying St. Elmo’s fire

I can climb the highest mountain, cross the widest sea
I can feel St. Elmo’s fire burning in me, burning in me
Just once in his life a man has his time
And my time is now I’m comin’ alive

Changes in Healthcare, Changes in Me

Twisted Sister sings to me as I research the history of changes in rehabilitation services under Medicare. The more I research, the more validation I am finding in my experience and opinions. And the more I feel the importance of speaking out…

We’ve got the right to choose it

There ain’t no way we’ll lose it

This is our life, this is our song…

I have worked in the “health care system” for over 27 years, known to many of my like-minded friends as the “sick- care system”.

My career has been taken over by government entities who have changed the reimbursement system for skilled therapy services for the second time in 20 years.

The insurance industry is the one who runs the show and now decides how long the patients need therapy services.

When I began my career, after graduating from a certified and well respected Occupational Therapy program at Elizabethtown College, part of my role as an evaluating therapist was/is to determine the need for skilled Occupational Therapy, set goals, monitor progress, and determine when there is no longer the need for skilled services.

I now have very little say in how long someone receives therapy services in adult and geriatric rehab under Medicare Part A services, at skilled nursing facilities where most of short term rehabilitation now happens.

Twenty-seven years ago, physical rehabilitation began at rehabilitation hospitals. Now, most people can no longer head from the hospital to an acute care rehab hospital, as the changes in PPS in 1999/2000 changed the criteria for admission to acute rehabilitation facilities pushing people to go for rehabilitation at nursing homes, with the new tittle of “sub acute rehab”.

Why did this happen?

From my perspective as an Occupational Therapist who has been practicing for 27 years and has lived through these changes, the mighty dollar has taken higher priority than quality patient care.

Sure, the people involved in establishing these changes, the branch of government now known as The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, CMS, including the head of the organization who is appointed by the president, would argue that it is to stop fraud and to improve patient care.

On November 29, 2016, President-elect Donald Trump nominated Verma to serve as administrator of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, the Health Department agency that oversees Medicare, Medicaid, and the insurance markets.^[16] On March 13, 2017, the United States Senate confirmed her nomination in a 55–43 vote.^[17] One of her first actions was to send a letter to the nation’s governors urging them to impose insurance premiums for Medicaid, charge Medicaid recipients for emergency room visits, and encourage recipients to get jobs or job training.

Patient’s Over Paperwork:

Taken directly from the CMS.gov website:

Reduce unnecessary regulatory burden to allow providers to concentrate on their primary mission: improving patient health outcomes.

• CMS Administrator Seema Verma launched the “Patients over Paperwork” initiative in 2017, in accord with President Trump’s Executive Order that directs federal agencies to cut the red tape. This helps patients by allowing doctors and non-physician practitioners to focus on care instead of paperwork.

• CMS is eliminating overly-burdensome and unnecessary regulations and guidance to allow providers and suppliers to focus on their primary mission – improving their patients’ health.

• CMS is removing barriers to unleashing innovation.

• CMS is partnering with clinicians, providers and suppliers, administrators, support staff and beneficiaries to ensure we are focusing on the needs of patients.

I call “Bullshit!”

Suppliers and beneficiaries?

Is that code for health insurance companies?

I have MORE paperwork than I did 27 years ago and will have even more now with these new changes and have less time for actual patient care.

This is my favorite part of this information:

Our actions have delivered results

• Saved the healthcare system at least $5.7 billion through 2021.

• Eliminated at least 40 million hours of burden through 2021 giving that time back to providers and suppliers to spend with their patients and not on needless paperwork.

• Heard from over 2,000 clinicians, administrative staff and leaders, and beneficiaries through listening sessions and in-person visits throughout the country.

“Saved the healthcare system at least $5.7 billion through 2021”

Who have they saved $5.7 billion for?

THE INSURANCE COMPANIES!

And these changes both with PPS in 1999 and now in 2019 with PDPM have directly affected the lives of the healthcare professionals who provide these services.

There is a HUGE difference between rehabilitation services in 1992 and what is now happening in 2019.

I worked in an Acute Rehabilitation Hospital in 1992, my first job out of college. It was a great learning experience and an excellent facility. Sure, I hated many aspects of working for this large hospital system, yet I would not change beginning my career there. I left after three years to escape the strict schedule and stress of hospital policies.

I took a job in a Nursing home that had both long term care and “sub-acute care”, the new buzzword for rehabilitation services. My new job had flexible hours and a 35% pay increase. Yet, I soon found out that my role of being a skilled Occupational Therapist looked very different in this new setting and I had to spend less time being a skilled therapist and without the environment of a rehabilitation setting where the focus was on patient care and rehabilitation. And without all the necessary tools to do my job and the experienced professionals that I was surrounded by at my prior job.

I have been working in adult and geriatric physical rehabilitation since that time in various settings including nursing homes with “sub acute rehabs”, home health, and outpatient centers for assisted living and independent living residents.

When the PPS system was being developed, I agreed that there needed to be a change. Yet, the change was from one extreme to the other. The results were not better patient care, but less staff to patient ratios, a shift from quality of care to the number of minutes of therapy equating to a dollar amount, affecting not only the patients but also the staff whose job was to provide needed care for these patients.

Five years after I began working in nursing homes, I suffered a pay cut, reduction in benefits, and was shuffled to different facilities. My position moved from working 4 miles from my home with a 32 hour work week, hours reduced at my request to have time with my 2 year old child and still have full time benefits; to traveling to 2 different facilities in one day, traveling 147 miles round trip each day. I had an amazing boss at the time who negotiated some extra pay in addition to the standard pay for travel between the two facilities.

After traveling like this 5 days each week for a while, she then helped me to switch to working 4 days a week rather than 5 days to return to something closer to my “reduced 32 hour week”.

My other option, was to loose my job. Everyone was cutting staff. There weren’t many jobs to be found.

I spent 9 months searching for a new job. I eventually got a job offer for part time work in home health care which gave me more freedom in some ways but also evolved into traveling a larger area to see patients in 3 different NC counties, Stanley, Union, and Anson. I live in the corner of Mecklenburg county where it meets Stanley, Union, and Cabarrus Counties (see image below: Mecklenburg county is the pink county on far left)

Flash forward to 2019:

Over the past several months, everyone has been talking about the new reimbursement system, PDPM, Patient Driven Payment Model.

I wasn’t very worried about it, listening to my fellow therapists and co-workers “panic” and share the information they had from other employers and our mutual employer. I had gone through changes in the reimbursement system before. I have had issues with this system, and knew a change was needed. I wasn’t surprised that the change would be a pendulum swing to the opposite end of the spectrum.

For the second time in my career, my rate of pay is being reduced.

I had about a months notice for this pay reduction. 3% pay decrease starting October 1, 2019.

“This is minor compared to what I went through in 2000” I told my young coworkers.

From everything I heard, I was not too worried. It appeared that my employer was handling it calmer than other places. I felt secure because even though I am a prn employee, working on an as needed basis, I have had 30-40 hours of work lately because one full time therapist has been on medical leave. And, had plenty of hours before that happened. They needed me.

I knew I would likely have less hours. I was aware of the industry push to use less prn employees and have full timers flex hours and work weekends. This concept had affected me already at my last job less than 2 years ago.

I work primarily weekends because that his been my only semi-guaranteed way to get hours.

Because of the anticipated change, I had been working as many hours as needed while they were available. I typically worked between 15-25 hours before and now began working 30-40 hours. I had several weeks where I had to pay close attention to my hours so as not to go into overtime. Paying prn employees overtime is a big no-no in healthcare. As a prn employee, I have no benefits and so my rate of pay is higher than full time therapists. Yet, my higher rate of pay is the same prn rate as it was 22 years ago.

Flash forward to Monday, September 20, 2019:

11:16 am: I received a text saying I was not needed to come in for the 2-3 hours of work that I had agreed to on Friday. Not surprising, this happens all the time.

My reply:

OK, Hoping I will still be needed Friday with XXXXX having the day off, I had agreed to cover for her.

Working prn, my boss confirms if I am needed to work the next day. If I don’t hear, I check in to confirm I am needed to work. This has been the typical practice for years and across several employers. I have always been frustrated by last minute call-offs, but despite my efforts to change this, the best result I have gotten has been a confirmation text the day before. My current boss has been the most consistent with this practice and this employer has been my best experience working prn in a nursing home/rehab center.

I was then told that I would not be needed on Friday, And likely for the weekend as well.

There were changes that even my boss wasn’t expecting.

I like my current employer and am happy I am working for this company and not somewhere else. I share this because this is an across the board change affecting all of the Occupational, Physical, and Speech Language Therapists who work in rehabilitation where Medicare is the primary reimbursement system.

As is always the case, the need for prn coverage changes constantly and usually, how much help is needed, is not known until the day before because of fluctuations in the census.

This is good, I can now devote more time to the business my husband and I have recently started.

But wait, we are finally out of major credit care debt and I have been working extra hours to pay off debt and to build our savings.

This is good, Gina, the universe is telling you, once again, to pour your time and energy into your new business and writing pursuits.

Will I have any hours over the next week?

I have no idea.

Surely, they will need me once the census picks up.

Right?

We’ll fight the powers that be, just
Don’t pick our destiny ’cause
You don’t know us, you don’t belong

Oh, we’re not gonna take it
No, we ain’t gonna take it
Oh, we’re not gonna take it anymore

Oh, you’re so condescending
Your gall is never ending
We don’t want nothin’, not a thing from you

Your life is trite and jaded
Boring and confiscated
If that’s your best, your best won’t do

It will be ok, Gina, you can finally write more and work on the book that has been inside of you for so long.

It will be ok, Don and I have come along way with our new business and have speaking engagements set up and we are working with a business coach.

This is time to step up and dive in to a new chapter of my career as an Occupational Therapist. I can use my experience and talents in a new way and outside the healthcare system.

Caregiver Burnout

I have both personal and professional experience with caregiver burnout.

I work in adult and primarily, geriatric, rehab as an Occupational Therapist. I have worked in this area my entire career, since 1992, when I graduated from Elizabethtown College with my bachelor of science degree in Occupational Therapy.

As I wrote The word career, I had to stop. Yes, I have had a career…it sounded bizarre to me after I typed those words.

Being a mom has always been my desire and passion. Occupational Therapy is something that feels like a part of me, yet since having children, it became a job, one I had to do to earn a living and had to continue doing when my husband’s business was getting started. And over the years, for many reasons, I have been the primary breadwinner most of the time. Don and I are part of book, our story is one of 60 others in Breadwinner Wives and the Men they Marry.

I don’t think of myself as a “career woman”. I think of myself as a mom who is also an Occupational Therapist. Being a mom is my most challenging and most rewarding “job” and my favorite role.

As an Occupational Therapist, caregiver education is very important. Over the years, I have realized in geriatric rehab and especially when working with people with dementia, that caregiver education is vital. With dementia, caregiver education is not only essential but also needs to be the primary role for an Occupational Therapist.

I see first hand from the people I work with and their caregivers, the impact of caregiver burnout.

I also have been a caregiver for my husband after he suffered a near fatal, massive heart attack in 2011 and spent 12 days in the hospital and 6 months in recovery.

When he graduated cardiac rehab 6 months after his “event”, I developed bronchitis which was reoccurring for over 6 months and then was in a car accident, ironically, one year after his heart attack. I still had wheezing at the time of the car accident, enough that they x-rayed my lungs. I didn’t have any major injuries and went home from the hospital the day of the accident. Yet, I suffered from that accident for a long time. Physically, I hurt for several months and mentally and emotionally, I suffered for years.

I honestly believe my recurrent bronchitis was a result of caregiver burnout and on a spiritual level, so was my car accident. The other driver was 100% the cause of the accident, or so the police reports and insurance companies said. I have forgiven the driver, never really blamed her per se. I blamed the fact that she wasn’t paying attention fully as she drove with her 2 year old in the car with her. One of my first questions after my accident was, “Are the other people ok?”, as blood ran down my nose after getting myself out of my car through the passenger door because I thought the smoke from the airbags meant the car could be on fire. The driver’s side door could not be opened as she had slammed into me making a left turn into the front corner of my car, pushing me sideways into another car at a stop sign.

“Are the other people ok?”

I am a mother of three, a wife, a healthcare worker, a child of aging parents, a child of a parent with chronic illnesses. Did I mention they called my husband’s heart attack, “a widow makers heart attack”? The medics and ER doctors, brought him back to life.

I am a caregiver.

I am significantly injured in a car accident and my first question to bystanders is, “Are the other people ok?”

As Caregivers, we often put the needs of others ahead of our own needs. Yet, doing this over time, affects our own health. And if we don’t stop and meet our own needs, we can suffer in many ways.

I am the mother of children who suffer with mental illness.

I am diagnosed with Bipolar Depression, Bipolar II. I only discovers my diagnosis because my brother also has this illness. I suffered for years with undiagnosed depression. Undiagnosed because, to me, it didn’t look like significant depression. I knew it was depression but told myself for years that it was “mild depression”. I was still functioning. I didn’t seek help until a friend who was prompted by my husband to convince me to seek help. That was nearly 5 years ago.

I have always known the importance of taking care of myself. I used to think I did a very good job at giving myself “me time”, attending to my own physical, spiritual and emotional health. My favorite metaphor is,

We must first put on our own oxygen mask, before we can help the person next to us with theirs.

Yet, I see now how much of my energy has been invested in caring for others.

I have repeatedly said that my job as an O.T. is mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting and coming home to be a caregiver for others is very taxing. I even joke about how I wish I had become an accountant or gone into a math field, as math was my best subject in school. The thought of sitting alone with numbers all day sounds like a nice change from being a caregiver.

Caregivers care for others because they have to and also many times, because it is their nature to do so.

Many people of all ages, need a caregiver. From babies and children of all ages though aging parents, people can have needs that they can not handle alone.

As humans, we all need to care for each other.

Being a primary caregiver to someone demands our time and our energy. Giving energy to others and not refilling our own cup, is what depletes us.

For me, I need to be alone, away from the house and away from immediate responsibilities in order to recharge. After my second child was born, I began a ritual of Monday night out, writing time. I created Charlottehomeschooling,com in that time. I have written thousands of journal entries, for myself and for my children’s journals that I started for all three of them when I was pregnant with each of them. I started my bogs using Monday night writing. First Gina’s Life Journey and them Child-led Learning . I have used that time to both talk with my husband as well as work on my end for our family coaching Business, Focused Health Family.

My writing time started as a hobby, as my passion. I came home refreshed and renewed and re-energized for the other aspects of my life, for caregiving. Then it became “work” and I found myself escaping from writing during my time alone, playing online games and watching movies and TV shows. I escaped because my life was overwhelming and because distracting myself from all my stress was my way of “coping” and I thought it was recharging me.

I am here now, alone at the beach, for 3 days and 2 nights because I finally realized how burned out I had become. I also finally realized that getting away by myself was essential to overcoming my bipolar depression.

Please share your stories about being a caregiver. My blog is intended to spark a community of support for myself and for others. I would love to share other’s stories , either as a guest blogger or anonymously with my help and your permission to share for your story. I want to help others through my experience, creating a community and connecting others with similar struggles.

I am a caregiver.

Now it is time for a sunrise walk on the beach.

Sending Big Waves into Motion, releasing secrets

Relax, renew, rejuvenate and recharge, take 2.

I am at the beach all by myself. I have never done this before. I’ve been here for 6 hours and I am finally sitting down to write. It has taken me this long to settle in, move from the shock and excitement of actually being here, all by myself. And finally, focusing on here and now.

I texted and made videos and took pictures and FaceTimed my youngest, while exploring my room at the top of the resort building, while walking in the beach and pier. I felt kind of lonely when I got here. I always come to the beach with my kids or at least my husband. One time the two of us went, well, before kids, I guess we went several times. Who can remember 22 years ago before kids?

I have everything I need for my adventure, inspiring books, music, healthy and yummy food, drinks, did you know you can get wine in a can?

As I packed my bag to head to the beach to write, I realized that I forgot my Bluetooth key board that I use with my iPad. My iPad, has been my computer for a while now… years, I guess. Something else that I can’t quite remember.

I have a lap top, buried in books and papers on my desk. It is old and I used to use it often, but decided I liked my iPad much better.

I found myself responding to a post on a Facebook group, Unschooling Special Needs, earlier and it has inspired my writing today.

There are so many things I can write about. Yet, the concerns shared in the post on the Unschooling Special Needs group are so close to my heart and the reason my husband and I now have a business together helping families with challenges, especially those with anxiety issues and challenging behavior with their children.

I have Bipolar 2 Depression. My upswings, are hypomania, not full on mania (well, it can escalate to mania). Hypomania is great, highly focused, functioning and much energy! Yet, the downswing is like the riptide pulling you under the ocean water.

Helping my children with their struggles is extra challenging for me because of my struggles. I can’t even imagine what it must be like for my husband.

In three weeks I celebrate my 50th birthday. I am proud and excited to reach this milestone! Seriously, I am. With age, has common not only wisdom, but confidence, clarity, courage and healing.

I always make time to write when I have come to the beach with my family. I have wonderful memories being here with my family. And I also have memories of stress, anxiety, OCD flare ups, and the feeling of disappointment that we couldn’t just have a “normal family vacation” without the anxieties.

Here I am now, writing and also texting with my tech support son. I might have him help me locate a key pad. Typing on the iPad screen is slow.

It’s getting dark and the sound of the ocean is mesmerizing me.

When I was younger, I would never have gone somewhere like this by myself. The silence of being alone was challenging for me. I now cherish time to myself. I still love the sounds of people talking, and my music, Tom Petty and now Mary Lambert sing in my ear..which is even more beautiful with the sound of the ocean.

They tell us from the time we’re young
To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I’m over it

I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)