sharing my life experiences, reflections and insights as a mother, a writer, an Occupational Therapist and and a spiritual being having a human experience

Archive for the ‘Depression and Bipolar Disorder’ Category

Wildflowers: Part 2

Tonight, the song Wildflowers began to play on the speaker system at my coffee house spot where I come to write.  Funny thing is I was listening to my playlist while Billy Joel began to sing Pressure and I had to stop my playlist to hear Wildflowers.  As I listened, all I could think was that I don’t belong living this life of depression.  It is not who I am.  I don’t belong living this life of hiding and disappearing from my life.  I belong amount the wildflowers, feeling frees, full of life.  

I have been feeling a sense of hopefulness lately.  I’ve been healing from a long suffering respiratory illness that left me tired and worn, just like the depression.   I have son,any ,omens now where I just want more for my life.  Today! I took a walk at 1 pm.  Totally out of character but the weather was perfect and I was waiting to be able to go out since we are juggling 2 cars and three drivers right now.  

I took a walk! In the sunshine on a beautiful spring day! I even said to myself that I wanted to go hiking or exploring somewhere outside.  I had the desire to do that.  My back flared up while walking that put a damper on my idea but I decided it was minor and later went to the chiropractor and decided it didn’t need to define me.   I didn’t go on an outside adventure but I feel like I am so much closer to really living my life again. 

Sounds weird when I say it that way and doubts slip on. I can embrace that feeling and move on. I can choose to live my life howerver I choose.  I get to choose.  

I can choose to live among  the wildflowers…

…or not 

I can choose.

And now A great Big World sings so appropriately , “There is an answer”. 

I am just a sailor in a great big sea

Searching for what’s meant for me

And I thank my lucky stars every single day

I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be


When the storm begins to blow

When I’ve lost my way back home

Oh, there is an answer

Oh, there is an answer


There is a ripple to every wave

A rhythm to the days and nights

And all our thoughts, they make the world go round

All our efforts multiply
Make a change, and you will see

One small step is all we need

Oh, there is an answer

Oh, there is an answer


There is no difference between you and me

It lies beyond our history

And if we only take the time to see we’re all we need

Just take my hand, and see me as a brother


Look inside, and you will find

Love exists in every kind

Oh, there is an answer

Oh, there is an answer


Near or far, oh I believe that love will find us there

Through the dark, oh I believe that love will find us there

Oh, I believe that love will find us there

Oh, I believe that love will find us there

Oh, I believe that love will find us there


Oh, there is an answer

Thank you AtoZLyrics

And a huge thank you to Tom Petty and A Great Big World. 

 

Changes

I sit here listening to my inspiration play list.

The goal is to inspire myself to write. 

Because the reality is I have not been writing and I realized today that the life I choose to live is one in which I write.

The life I choose is one in which I choose to write about what matters to me.

Right now what matters to me is my mental health and if writing is my way back to myself….

then I must write, no matter what

Two weeks ago i came to my cozy spot, sat in my comfy chair and I only felt ready to write when the place was closing.

Tonight, i realized, I needed to facilitate my spark to write much sooner. 

Or maybe i did not realize that consciously but after watching a touching episode of an old TV show,

I took stock in myself and my current situation.

David Bowie played, “Changes”, a fitting title

I have always loved this song and it felt like my song for tonight

Then I looked up the lyrics….

They surprised me

Even though I knew some of the lyrics,

I had not really heard the song as a whole before

Of course, it seams so fitting for me and my struggles

I still don’t know what I was waiting for

And my time was running wild

A million dead-end streets

And every time I thought I’d got it made

It seemed the taste was not so sweet

So I turned myself to face me

But I’ve never caught a glimpse

Of how the others must see the faker

I’m much too fast to take that test

Not sure if I really know what all of it means

I don’t think it matters what David intended in the meaning

I believe all that matters is what it means to me

Sure, I would like to know what the words meant to him

Yet, on a spiritual level, I know I need to just allow it to bring out my own meaning

As a means to help me on my path 

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

(Turn and face the strange)

Face the unknown

Ch-ch-changes

Don’t want to be a richer man

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

(Turn and face the strange)

Face my fears

Ch-ch-changes

Just gonna have to be a different man

Everything in my life. Changes who I am

In each new moment, I am created a new

I can’t go back and be who I was before all my challenges 

I can only be who I am now….

And accept myself in who I am now

Time may change me

But I can’t trace time
I watch the ripples change their size

But never leave the stream

Of warm impermanence and

So the days float through my eyes

But still the days seem the same

Theses lyrics are poetry, as is the entire song

All I gather from it is that I watch life move on and yet feel so stuck in the same low place
The next lines have always been my favorite ranking alongside, “Another brick in the wall”

The message within these next four lines are what compels me to write

The message in these lines is what compels  me to be the parent I choose to be

And to always strive to be a better parent

It is my passion for living my life


And these children that you spit on

As they try to change their worlds

Are immune to your consultations

They’re quite aware of what they’re going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

(Turn and face the strange)

Ch-ch-changes

Don’t tell them to grow up and out of it

I almost overlooked this lesser known line

Let children be chicldren

Let them be who they are now

They have value at any age

They will become adults in time

We don’t need to “train them to be adults”

We need to respect  them where they are now and allow them to be children

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

(Turn and face the strange)

Ch-ch-changes

Where’s your shame

You’ve left us up to our necks in it

Time may change me

But you can’t trace time
Strange fascination, fascinating me

Changes are taking the pace

I’m going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

(Turn and face the strange)

Ch-ch-changes

Oh, look out you rock ‘n rollers

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

(Turn and face the strange)

Ch-ch-changes

Pretty soon now you’re gonna get older

Time may change me

But I can’t trace time

I said that time may change me

But I can’t trace time

I like how these lyrics leave me thoughtful and looking for deeper meaning.

Looking for meaning beyond what I see as the obvious meaning in the words

Searching

Is a good place to be in 

And most certainly so much better and more full of life than in a slump of depression

Avoiding and zoning out and “medicating” with distraction

Thank you
AtoZLyrics

And an enormous burst of gratitude to David Bowie for writing and for singing

Pressure

Pushing down on you

Pushing down on me

These are the days it never rains but it pours 

It’s my life 

This is my fight song 

Take back my life song 

Why can’t we give love a chance 

Love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the light 

And love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves 

This is our last dance 

He was my husband 

And then he became my patient 

Life will never be the same 

I was grateful, oh so grateful 

And then the grief rose 

Within my lungs, a cough that persisted 

Until it knocked me out cold 

On the side of the road staring at the sky

That Saturday in May

When my sense of invisibility came to life 

She saw me, after she hit me 

She saw me 

She said she didn’t see me, but after her white SUV smashed into my sweet grey civic

She had no choice but to see me 

I knew I would be ok 

They put a neck brace on me

As a precaution 

I Knew I would be ok 

There were bits of glass everywhere 

I found a piece in my ear like a week later 

I told the medic I felt like I had glass in my arm 

He told me, “there is no glass in your arm”

There was glass in my arm, tiny pieces. 

I have the scars to prove it 

I grabbed my phone and my purse before I climbed out the passengers side of the car 

because I thought the car was smoking, I had to get out, it could catch fire

It was the airbag, the passenger side air bar

The police officer asked me if my air bag deployed, why didn’t he just look in the car?

What did I know? I was just blind sighted and pushed across the road into a vehicle at. Stop sign

No air bag deployed, I hit my head on the steering wheel

Did I loose consciousness? Maybe for a few seconds. How am I supposed to know 

One minute I saw a car coming at me and I tried to swerve. It then I knew there was no time to get out of the way

I felt and heard the crunch of metal

And then I opened my eyes and my car was on the side of the road 

The window on my side in tiny pieces, the frame of the car door protruding 8 inches, I heard one medic tell another 

Some nice lady walked up to me as I came out of the car

The woman who hit me was a medic and she told the woman that I needed to lie down

I layer down on the grassy hillside 

I asked if  anyone else was hurt

Always the caregiver 

I was relieved no one else was hurt 

I later learned about the third car

I had no idea there was a third car involved

They stayed my lungs because I was wheezing 

All that grief still stuck inside

I had been having recurrent bronchitis for 6 months

I can’t remember if I still was having issues before the accident happened, maybe I was 

How was I supposed to remember?

I remember Don meeting me at the hospital while I was still in the ambulance

Jason and Don were there to meet me and followed me back into the all white room

Where I waited to be checked out 

They usually didn’t deal with trauma at this small hospital close to my house 

The room they put me in wasn’t a real room

I don’t know what it was

It had one door and no windows

I knew I would hurt the next day but but was I surprised how much pain I had

I was still nursing so I wouldn’t take any strong pain medication

My arm was so tender and painful all wrapped in gauze to bandage the glass cuts from the glass that wasn’t in my arm but really was

Jason was so gentle when I told him to be careful with mommy’s arm

Jason was 3

He was 2 when his father went into cardiac arrest in our living room

At least mommy got to come home that same day

For Jason’s sake

But I really needed a few nights at the hospital

Or maybe not, I needed my family yet I neeeded rest 

Recooperation from the shock and trauma of the past year and 3 weeks 

Since Don had his heart attack

Full cardiac arrest, ventricular fibrillation in our living room on the couch

They had to cut off his favorite worn blue rabbit t-shirt

They mixed up my cheap stethoscope with theirs and took my ice pack

I had tried to take his blood pressure, I remember his pulse was weak

I remember when it hit me, 

His arm was clammy and cold

Sure it was the wrong arm, but it was COLD AND CLAMMY!

Gina, his arm is cold and clammy, he is having a heart attack

And that’s when I called 911

I left his side searching for aspirin that I knew I didn’t have but knew he needed 

Thank God the medic showed up and was at his side when he went into cardiac arrest 

it looked like he had a seizure and he lost consciousness

and a medic escorted us out of the room, me and my three kids

Harrison was 13,  Abby was 9 and Jason was 2

Don was 52

His father died at atge 56 when Don was 17

He dided of a massive heart attack while in the hospital wiaiting for Bypass surgery

They called Don’s heart attack, “the widow maker”

He cheated death

he choose to live

He lived

That same year, 2 friends lost their husbands to heart attacks and another from cancer

Survivors guilt, its real 

Wildflowers 

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea

Sail away, kill off the hours

You belong somewhere you feel free
Run away, find you a lover

Go away somewhere all bright and new

I have seen no other

Who compares with you
You belong among the wildflowers

You belong in a boat out at sea

You belong with your love on your arm

You belong somewhere you feel free
Run away, go find a lover

Run away, let your heart be your guide

You deserve the deepest of cover

You belong in that home by and by
You belong among the wildflowers

You belong somewhere close to me

Far away from your trouble and worry

You belong somewhere you feel free

You belong somewhere you feel free

Thank you Tom Petty, your words speak to my spirit. I am forever grateful for the work you put into the world.  

And A-Z Lyrics, I can always find the song I am looking for. Boy,you would have been helpful when I was in middle school taping songs off the radio onto my tape player and then playing them back slowly stopping and rewinding to write down the words to the song.  Even many of the cassettes I bought in the early 80s didn’t have lyrics to the songs included.   And then there were those lyrics that you just couldn’t figure out because you didn’t know what they were saying.  I only found out this year that the ABBA song Dancing  Queen lyrics include ” you’re in the mood to dance” and not what I thought sounded like “you’re at the Hoover damm”.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/tompettyandtheheartbreakers/wildflowers.html

Tonight I had an amazing meet up with a long time friend and a spiritual soul mate. She has guided me on the journey back to myself.  We were together about 4 hours and we did some deep spiritual work. And she headed home and I remain in this space to write and I pulled up my playlist that I put together a while back with just 4 songs.  The playlist is entitled “writing ideas” and the first song that played on shuffle was the above Tom Petty.  I never realized it before, but apparently Tom is one of my spiritual guides.  Just view my blogs with song lyrics.  And then the following song playethis song expanded on the message to my soul which was so powerful after the time spent with my dear friend, my spiritual guide and soul mate. 

Thank you A Great Big World! I discovered you this past summer just when I needed you and your songs in my life.  Your words have lifted me many times over the past 7 months at a time in my life when I was very low and needed your words to sustain me.  This song is called Rockstar”. 
There’s a girl in the backyard bangin’ on her drum

Sittin’ in a junk pile laughing at the sun

Singin’, “Ah ha ha, I just wanna be a rockstar.”
There’s a boy in the backseat singin’ to the song

Playin’ on the radio, knowing he’s the one

Singin’, “Ah ha ha, I just wanna be a rockstar.”
Singin’, “ah ha ha, I was born to be a rockstar!”
There’s a girl in the tree top looking at the stars

Waiting for a touchdown comin’ in from Mars

Thinkin’, “Is there anybody out there?”
There’s a boy thinking of her playin’ his guitar

Searching for the answer buried in his heart

Thinkin’, “Ah, ha ha, is there anybody out there?”
Singin’, “Ah, ha ha, is there anybody out there?”
If there’s a meaning can you show me a sign?

The more I look it just gets harder to find

The world is spinnin’ and I wanna know why
And we’re all getting older wishin’ we were young

Hangin’ on the memory of what we would become

Singin’, “Ah ha ha, I was born to be a rockstar.”
Singin’, “Ah ha ha, I just wanna be a rockstar.”

Singin’, “Ah ha ha, I was born to be a rockstar!”
If there’s a meaning can you show me a sign?

The more I look it just gets harder to find

The world is spinnin’ and I wanna know why
And maybe we will never figure it out

I got a feelin’ that’s what life’s all about

I’m learning anything is possible now
Take a ticket and get off the line [8x]

Singing, “Ah ha ha I just wanna be a rockstar.” [4x]

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/greatbigworld/rockstar.html

And as I listen to the remainder of my playlist,  I discover another Tom Petty song.  Will save that for another post.

Time to explore the inner workings of my soul. 

I Will Be OK 

Songs can bring me out of my darkest times if only for a moment. Sometimes all I need is that moment to propel myself forward out of my stuck place.

You’ll be okayYou’ll be okay

The sun will rise

To better days
And change will come

It’s on it’s way

Just close your eyes

And let it rain
‘Cause you’re never alone

I will always be there

You just carry on

You will understand
You’ll be okay

You’ll be okay

Just look inside

You know the way
Let it go

Fly away

And say goodbye

To yesterday
‘Cause you’re never alone

And I will always be there

You just carry on

You will understand
And I will be strong

When love is gone

I’ll carry on…
You’ll be okay

You’ll be okay

The sun will rise

To better days
You’ll be okay

You’ll be okay

Just close your eyes

And let it rain
When you need it the most

And all you’ve got is a prayer

You must carry on

You will understand

You will understand

You will understand
You’ll be okay

You’ll be okay

You’ll be okay.
Thank you once again to: A Great Big World

I was so fortunate to hear you live when you opened for Phillip Phillips and Matt Nathanson.

Such a wonderful experience taking my daughter to her first concert. And one of my favorite opening bands of all time that I first discovered at the concert. You have such meaningful lyrics that are simple yet powerful as well as such an upbeat soul to your sound that brings me much joy. Your music has been what I have needed most in such a difficult time in my life. How ironic because I took my daughter to hear Phillip Phillips because of how powerful his music was for us in her most difficult time in her life. I know it helped me through the pain. And it formed a bond between my daughter and myself.

And thanks once again  to A to Z Lyrics for making it so easy to find the full lyrics.

Unpack Your Heart

Tonight, I was listening to a lesson from The Ego Tamer Academy and this song played over the loudspeaker at the restaurant where I was spending my night to myself. It is not a song that I hear often on the radio but is from one of my favorite young artists and my favorite song from his most recent album.  phillip Phillips has special meaning to me. My husband gave me his first album as a gift the Christmas before my daughter’s OCD became extreme. I used to play his songs and sing to her when she was stuck in one of her impulsive rituals that robbed her of precious hours of her life. I took my daughter to her first concert over the summer to see him.  It was a special time for us.

The timing of this song juxtaposed with the lesson I was listening to was so powerful. God or spirit or however you define the universal connection we share in this universe, speaks to me through songs.  Something that I have not felt lately as I have been attempting to pull myself up out of depression once again. When this happens, I feel lifted and a connection to my god self, to spirit, to the universal energy of the devine.

Interestingly enough, early in the lesson, Jan played background music during a meditation. I believe the music was Yani which was music I used years ago to record in the background of my personal affirmatiaons that I would play for myself. My first thought as the music played, was a sense of familiarity and peace.

I big thank you to  Ato ALyrics and Phillips Phillips for this poignant and powerful song that reaches me on a soul level, pleading with me to release my fears and open up and let it out so I can let go and let, God!
Meet me where the sunlight ends

Meet me where the truth never bends

Bring all that you’re scared to defend
And lay it down when you walk through my door

Throw all of it out on the floor

Your sorrow, your beauty, your war

I want it all, I want it all
Bring your secrets, bring your scars

Bring your glory, all you are

Bring your daylight, bring your dark

Share your silence

And unpack your heart
Show me something the rest never see

Give me all that you hope to receive

Your deepest regret dies with me
The days when you stumble and fall

The days when you grind to a crawl

The treasure that hides behind your walls

I want it all, yeah I want it all
Bring your secrets, bring your scars

Bring your glory, all you are

Bring your daylight, bring your dark

Share your silence

And unpack your heart

Unpack your heart
Oh, I’m on your side

So shed your shadow

And watch it rise
Oh, I’m on your side

So shed your shadow

And watch it rise

Into your darkness

I’ll shine a light
Bring your secrets, bring your scars

Bring your glory, all you are

Bring your daylight, bring your dark

Share your silence
Bring your honor, bring your shame

All your madness, I will tame

Won’t you lay down, down your guard

Share your silence

And unpack your heart

Is this rock bottom?

Slowly, it creeps.  Silently.  Without warning.  Almost out of nowhere.

Was there a trigger? 

No way to know.

Surely i can only move up from here. 

Or maybe from here.

When will the madness end?

When will I bounce up again?

How did I get here?

Why did this happen, again.

I thought I was past this.

She told me that I was cured.  I knew that wasn’t true. 

Yet, I prayed I wouldn’t return here again.

Why?

Why me?

I don’t like it here.

I want to go back.

I want to go back to when I felt on top of the world.

I want to go back to when I could only sleep 6 hours at night and yet had so much energy.

Pressure pushing down on me

Pressing down on you, no man ask for

Under pressure that burns a building down

Splits a family in two

Puts people on streets


It’s the terror of knowing

What this world is about

Watching some good friends

Screaming, “Let me out!”

Tomorrow gets me higher

Pressure on people – people on streets


Chippin’ around, kick my brains ’round the floor

These are the days – it never rains but it pours

People on streets – people on streets


It’s the terror of knowing

What this world is about

Watching some good friends

Screaming, “Let me out!”

Tomorrow gets me higher, higher, higher…

Pressure on people – people on streets
Turned away from it all like a blind man

Sat on a fence but it don’t work

Keep coming up with love but it’s so slashed and torn

Why, why, why?


Love


Insanity laughs under pressure we’re cracking

Can’t we give ourselves one more chance?

Why can’t we give love that one more chance?

Why can’t we give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love?..


‘Cause love’s such an old-fashioned word

And love dares you to care for

The people on the edge of the night

And love dares you to change our way of

Caring about ourselves

This is our last dance

This is our last dance

This is ourselves

Under pressure

Under pressure

Pressure


Thank you Queen and David Bowie for those words.

And than you to A-Z Lyrics. You make it so much easier than recording the song off the radio and slowly playing it and stopping it repeatedly,rewinding and replaying.