Nothing at All

I have the thought to get outside and exercise.

I have the thought to work on that crochet project I started months ago, or maybe years.

I have the thought to spend time with my husband.

I have the thought to work on a project with my 10 year old, something we had talked about, for a while.

I have the thought to eat healthier, reduce my sugar intake, drink more water…

Intention

Yes, there are times when I intend or even plan to work on one of these things.

And sometimes even the desire to be more engaged in my life.

Energy

Convincing myself to get out of bed in the morning

….to get to work

…to get to an appointment

Getting up from bed

Moving forward from distractions, Stuck playing a game on my phone,

So that I can:

Get in the shower

Drive to work

Begin my work day

Convince the patient why he needs to participate in therapy

Manage my time

Get all the patients seen

Finish the required paperwork

Focus and manage my time

Convince myself to see the “difficult patient”

Who is…

Very overweight

Requires 2 people to get out of bed

Doesn’t like therapy

Doesn’t care about getting better

Is too confused to care and locked in anger

Talks so much that I have to find a way to move forward with their actual participation in therapy

Repeats everything that has gone wrong, over and over

Figuring out how to listen to them, acknowledge their feelings, and help them move on… Long enough to participate for 45 minutes, or 65 or 72 minutes

Focus and finish my paperwork for the day in a timely fashion, whatever that is

Get the computer to connect to the internet

Find a computer

Find the therapist assistant who has been seeing the patient so I can write a progress note, a recertification, or discharge paperwork

Figure out what the patient’s discharge plan is so that I can include that in the paperwork

Gather my things, walk to my car and

Drive home

Gather my lunch bag, purse, phone to go into the house

Arrive home to a child wanting to tell you everything that happened or share their problems from the day, repeating them, repeating with more emotion, fighting with their sibling

Listening to my spouse…..

• Fill me in on the days happenings
• Talk about what needs to be done
• Ask me to put my things away
• Tell me what I need to do tomorrow
• Ask for help with making dinner
• Say his goodbyes as he heads out for an appointment

Gathering the energy to…

Get up from the couch in order to….

• Feed the dogs
• Walk the dogs
• Prepare dinner
• Get up from the couch after resting
• Find food for dinner
• Make dinner
• Clean off the counter
• Clear out the ants scattered around the counter full of crumbs & dishes from the day
• Talk to my child about eating, helping

Anticipating my spouse coming home

• Worried about the mess in the kitchen
• What I fed the children for dinner
• The lack of vegetables at dinner
• Seeing the look on his face when he sees me sitting on the couch
• Knowing I should have gotten more done
• Wondering why I didn’t get more done
• Beating myself up for not….

Getting myself ready for bed

Remembering to take my medication, my supplements that are supposed to help me

….deal with day to day life

Helping my children…

• Find a snack to eat
• Be motivated to get ready for bed
• Cope with their anxiety at bedtime
• Brushing their teeth
• Redirecting them from obsessive and intrusive thoughts
• Provide a calming environment for them to go to bed
• Apologize for loosing my cool
• Apologize for not listening or playing the game together, like we talked about
• Apologize for not helping them start their bedtime routine sooner…

Reviewing my day in my head and wondering why I did not get more done, be more productive at work, finish sooner at work, spend time with my children

Hearing my alarm go off and wishing I did not have to go to work.

Do you or your loved ones struggle with depression, anxiety, or bipolar depression?

I know sharing my story has helped me. We need to look at our stress before we can move on from it.

I used to think my struggles weren’t serious depression because after all, I managed to get basic things done. It took me a while to seek help for myself….and for my children.

When we are struggling to get through each day, it multiples the challenge of helping our children with their emotional stress, mental illness, behavioral issues.

My psychiatrist recently referred to my bipolar 2 as mild.

It doesn’t feel mild to me.

For many people, they go through their day like these tasks are nothing at all.

Finding “Me”

I just finished reading this post from May, Raising children and recreating myself.

Finding the balance of living in the middle of the waves.

Three months later and I have some clarity.

I can’t say specifically how I have evolved, yet I know I am forward into a new me, more of the real me. As I say that, I find myself confused and wondering.

I feel it’s best described in a story…

I helped my son and his fiancé move this week. Through texts and phone calls, I asked how I could best be of help and then made decisions of how to best help. I got up earlier than normal and went in to work at 7:30 am, uncertain how the day would unfold. After texts and phone calls, I left work at 9 am, knowing I would return at some time later to finish my 4 hour work day.

I envisioned myself arriving at their current apartment and guiding others on how to best help. I picked up some snacks and drinks. When I arrived, they were already loading the trucks, despite my son’s instructions to wait until he was back to begin loading. He had to return to the new apartment to get the keys, after forgetting to bring the checks the first trip.

Looking back, I see how I quietly joined in and help in my subtle and comforting way, after first prepping myself with some venting time with my friends, the parents of my son’s fiancé. My son and fiancé had been living in the apartment attached to her paren’s house. It was a trial step in their life together without the demands of a lease and with a very reasonable and reduced monthly cost.

I ventured upstairs to their bathroom while everyone was downstairs loading boxes and furniture onto the truck. I packed up the remaining items in the closet and began loading smaller and some more delicate items in the back of her car.

I let everyone individually know where the snacks and drinks were located and encouraged each person to drink water. It is August in North Carolina. We were lucky to have a day where the temperature didn’t quite reach 90 degrees.

I planned with my husband on how we could best help, after filling the back of our van, we drove over to their apartment and I left my car to return later to head back to work. When I got my son’s new address and updated his contact information in my phone, I sat quietly with the impact of the fact that my son was really moving on with his own life now and into his own home.

Friends and family quickly began unloading furniture and the 100 boxes my son had carefully labeled with contents and the room to place the box. I know my son and the importance of his organizational system and the chaos it could bring to have boxes stacked randomly about. I began relocating boxes to the correct location.

As they began bringing items into the second bedroom, my son’s office, I quickly found out where my son intended to place his oversized desk. I moved boxes and directed others on where to put items to have room to bring in the desk.

Most of the time, worked alongside my to be daughter-in-law.

The truck was unloaded, i had resorted the boxes the best I could. My son was ordering pizza. We made plans of who was going where. I returned to the house while my husband stayed to eat pizza and help some more. I arrived back at work at 2:30pm.

I found myself more focused at work. I made a plan on which patients to see when and worked to finish my paperwork in the process. For the first time, in as long as I can remember, I found myself working as a part of my life rather than work being the focus of my life. With the confidence of over 25 years experience in my field and the comfort of a desirable place to work with wonderful co-workers, I completed my 4 hour work day eager to finish work to move on to the rest of my life. I finished up quickly to head to my chiropractor before she closed at 6pm, realizing along my drive that I would not arrive before 6 pm when open hours ended and she ended her day. I called my husband about evening plans and changed corse to head home.

I now see that “being me”involved, making decisions along the way and not fretting about figuring it all out. I changed course as needed and adjusted to the situation and also met my own needs.