sharing my life experiences, reflections and insights as a mother, a writer, an Occupational Therapist, an unschooler, and and a spiritual being having a human experience

Archive for the ‘Writing’ Category

Words Not Spoken: 6 months after his heart attack

Powerful writing from November of 2011, 6 months after my husband’s heart attack.

His heart attack was May 4, 2011 and I wrote this 6 months later the week after he was finally discharged from outpatient cardiac rehab.

It was the beginning of recurrent bronchitis that lasted for over 6 months and then I suffered a car accident and the wheezing was present as the medics checked me out on the scene of the accident May 26, 20112.

I left this post as it was to show my mental state as I typed…

The original title was:

What I need to tell the head of Case Management (at Presbyterian Hospital)

You gave me a case manager who listened to my story. She sat and listened and heard me out when I was looking for help early on in the process.  Yet this same person who sat and listened, told me she would follow up on several things and get back to me and she never did.

She also told me things that are not true. She told me we would have been better off with no insurance because then someone from social services would have come and helped me fill out a Medicaid Application. Well part of that is true, someone might have come and done that had that been the case. But what she failed to tell me was how important it was to file for Medicaid right away and she failed to tell me the simple rule for NC Medicaid that you can’t have more than $3000 in money at the end of each month (after paying bills)…that is the best I can describe the “law” not having seen this any where in writing but only after finding out months later that because we had IRS tax refund money in our checking account, it disqualified us from Medicaid until the money was effectively gone.  We lived on that money for several months to pay our basic expenses while my husband nor I was working.

I am just warming up. That is just the tip of the iceberg at their lack of discharge planning and family education and effective “case management”.

Or maybe that just means that they have brief cases that they carry around and take care of.  Do I sound bitter and resentful?

Hell yes!

I have every right to be because I

I AM A HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL

My job as  healthcare professional is in part to assist people with being ready to return home or to whatever setting they are returning to and to ensure they will have the assistance needed when they return home.

Ok

first things first

Our lovely Case Manager

who so comforted me in my time of need- but then failed to follow through-

(I am trying to see the positive here)

She then comes to us very late in the day, after the doctor discharged him around 10 or 11, after we inquired and then the nurse got to us, right after lunch I believe.

Mind you, the only help I had at home, was my mother who had been at my house all week, returning after being with us the initial 3 days until my sister-in-law arrived.  My mother was tired, she had been taking care of three intense children and my episodes of panic or crazy blood sugar due to insufficient nutrition- or whatever it all was- stress

So, we have spoken to the doctor and the nurse for discharge and the nurse keeps informing us that we are waiting for the social worker.

I must add that a few days prior, I had called for the social worker, after the first one failed to follow through and come back to talk to me.  It was Monday or Tuesday when I spoke to her and their was no sign of her Friday. So it might have been Saturday when I called and this other social worker came and spoke to us.  I remember wishing she would be the one who came for discharge.  But no, it was not.  So sometime after 4pm, the social worker shows up and begins the conversation

mind you my husband suffered a severe heart attack, was in CCU for 4 days and then the step down cardiac unit for 8 and was on monitors the entire time we were there. When he was finally able to get up and move around well, it was the weekend and I had to throw a fit to get Physical Therapy come see him on Saturday, knowing it was very possible he would be going home Monday and his doctor was off for the first time since we’ld been there and wouldn’t be back til Monday.  His replacement was a Jackass who spoke inappropriately to the nurses (my husband’s description) well, he didn’t call him a jack ass, I did because he walked in, I wasn’t there, and looked at my husband and said, well, it doesn’t look like you’re going any where anytime soon.  This was Saturday morning after his doctor had led him to beleive the day before that he might very well go home Monday.

The next day, he had apparently talked to my husband’s doctor and was much more on the ball with what was going on with my husband and more appropriate, at least with my husband.

Nurses, apparently learn how to ignore the jackass doctors because, well, doctors are not known for their personalities.

Remember, I have worked with doctors, so I know first hand.

So now that we are all agreed that the guy was a jack ass

Oh yeah, my husband wasn’t allowed off the unit, not beyond the square around the nurses station in the small step down unit at the end of the hospital surrounded by vacant hallways due to a remodeling project because it was the weekend, and they would have to clear it with the doctor, have an order (everything needs an order)- I wonder if they need orders to speak kindly- you know, jack ass is the default mode-

anyway, so my fit to have him come off the unit and be wheeled to a new floor to get out of the room he had been for 8 days, unlike my fit to get PT to see him- guess I knew how to play my cards better with that department or maybe cause therapists generally aren’t jackass.. cause once someone called them, they came that day and the next,

so

Now,I am beside myself because it looks like I might be bringing my husband home on Monday and it is Saturday afternoon but I won’t know until I show up at 8:30 Monday morning and sit around and wait for the doctor to come in- cause that is the only way to be sure to be there when he comes to see my husband, is to show up at the earliest possible time that he might come for rounds.  It was 6:30 when he was on CCU.  And then the nurses tell me really I should be there earlier like 7 just to be sure.

So he has been on continuous cardiac monitoring the entire time he is here, all 12 days with frequent checks of blood pressure and pulse and oxygen saturation.  And we can’t leave his unit but in two days, they might just send us home-

with home health care because I insisted on it-

And that is another story, because the lovely social worker, never notified the Home Health Company that he was discharged and so they did not know to come out to the house and the they are supposed to be there within 48 hours of discharge.

How do I know this? Because I have worked in home health care.And so the home health nurse came 2 days after he was home, because I called the agency and I let them know he was discharged

BECAUSE  I DID HER JOB

Put me on payroll please

So back to the hospital when the social worker finally comes into the room after we had been waiting all day

NOW I do understand that case managers or social workers or whatever you call them, are way overworked because I KNOW DAMN WELL THE EFFECTS OF THE CUT BACKS ON HEALTHCARE.

This issue is not so much how long it took her to come but the information she brought to us when she finally did come.

She started her conversation off with us something like this

and it has been 6 months and a blur and I now understand what she was doing but at the time, I had no clue.

She came to us and said,

“OK you can get this medication at these places and this medication at these places”

And she had these long lists, not that she was giving us any list, I don’t recall that she did.  Maybe she did.  And she went on and on and I was like, what the #%!?

I knew I needed a prescription for 5 days until we could get Med Assist (local agency for assistance with medications when you don’t have medicaid) but little did i know that I really needed to go and apply for that while he was still in the hospital.  Like I had time for that between advocating for my husband, caring for him, being there for him and then being with my children in what little hours were left of the day/night.

So I had no idea, it took 5 days from approval and that they would look at our income and base an entire year of income on 1 month of my prn pay checks where I was working more than twice the hours I normally do. The increased hours were temporary while another OT was on maternity leave.  No idea that would be the policy. Because, did you know the entire support system like Medicaid is set up based on people who work for an employer full time or at least regular part time hours.  There is no consideration for prn pay (which is higher than normal pay because you have no benefits and NO guarnteed hours- I have lost a week of work because of being prn- thinking I would work 40 hours one week when they didn’t need me for that and ….I digress

I like being prn- but if you need help form the system, you are screwed.

Just to be clear, I have been sick with some kind of upper respiratory thing, and today I have heard what I believe is whezing and I feel like I am going to cough up my lung.  Well, grief is processed in the lung.

And for some crazy reason, when I try to sleep, I have been relieving 6 months ago and my husband’s blue face and the whole freaking experience.

Maybe I am finally REALLY FEELING IT ALL AND FINALLY REALLY GRIEIVING.

My husband was discharged from Outpatient Cardiac Rehab this week.

Hmm….

Coincidence?

I don’t think so.  Just now realizing that one….

…and it is still sinking in….

ahh, other stories to tell.

Back to.?

Ah yes, the lovely discharge with the Case Manager on May 16, 2011.

So she is talking about all these places to get medication to get the $3 rate and how I can go to more than one pharmacy to get them all and I was like

?WTF?

I GUESS I THOUGHT THEY WOULD SEND US HOME WITH MEDICATION

It was getting late, my mom had my kids and was going to bring them to the hospital and was going to be heading home from there and  I would be driving home my husband, now off all monitors, with our three children, ages 2, 9 and 13 to be alone at home and manage everything.

While he was in the hospital, my family and friends had pretty much taken care of all meals and grocery shopping and all the laundry.

So I am worried about my husband having another heart attack or something medical when he returns home and worried about helping him recover while taking care of our intense and 2 out of 3 very high need childden.  And she is taking to me about saving money for 5 days worth of medication.

so I think I cut her short once we figured out we could just get 5 days worth of medication from the hospital pharmacy and then be on our way, but the pharmacy closes at 5 and we had to hurry.

I don’t really remember what happened next, with the case manager

I just remember the long wait at the pharmacy and the not so friendly pharmacist and the other person who worked there-

shame on both of them, they work in a hsospital, they need to be nice to people!  Everyone else, mostly was very nice including housekeeping staff and kitchen staff- but oh, not the pharmacy.

So we get the expensive medication that I had to pay for then.  You would think it could be on our bill….but no, WE WERE DISCHARGED AND ON OUR OWN!

It wasn’t until Wednesday that I could get to the Med Assist office, when a friend was able to come stay with my husband, and turn in the paperwork and then it was at least 5 days before I found out, maybe longer that we didn’t qualify, just over by like $1800 per year- due to the above mentioned prn pay checks for one month that they multiplied for the entire year even though that was grossly inaccurage and even though they had our 2010 tax return showing our income was less than half of what they calculated.

So This is why I contacted the Head of Case Management. I got the name and number while I was in the hospital before the discharge fiasco and before they failed to notify the home health agency.  And I called them from home and they called me back.  Mind you I was now home with a husband who got dizzy if he stood too quickly, had only just begun walking around on his own a few days prior and was out of breath with the slighest amount of activity and three children and despite us all holding it together while he was in the hospital and doing “well”, thing were challenging coming home.

NO BODY TALKS ABOUT THAT

The COMING HOME after the Heart Attack

They assume, he lives, he does well, he goes home, yeah!

NO one realizes how much harder it really is, going home.

I tried to tell the nurses at the hospital….

The Case Manager, I don’t know that I got the chance, I did share some of this with the second one, who came to us just that once.

BECAUSE I HAD SO MANY OTHER THINGS ON MY PLATE

I never did get to speak to the Department Head at the Hospital.  I left a detailed message and she called back and maybe spoke briefly to my husband because I was not home.

I think I need to send her a letter.

So I don’t leave anything out.

I could send this one, but I might need to remove a few jackasses and the like.

I am adding a note:

I don’t think I coughed once the entire time I wrote this.

It didn’t even occur to me til after i finished writing it and I realized my breathing seamed silent and my chest felt better- from not coughing so much.

The lung processes grief.

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Thanksgiving Gratitude

I am grateful for:

Waking up early and wanting to get out of bed

Waking up and thinking about writing in my journal

Two adorable kittens who eagerly eat as I type

All the pets who have come into my life

Waiting my children care for out cats and our dogs

Watching all three of my children with 2 little kittens

Unfiltered apple juice from Trader Joe’s

Chai Tea

Thankmas…

Our family gathering to celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas and several birthdays

Having a really good time being with my family

Purring kittens

Music, my iPhone, Spotify, playlists

Memories

Shadow’s upside down heart under his chin

My son’s fiancé, Liz

Who is so special and dear to me and brings us to a family of 6

Watching kittens play with toys

These magical kittens who showed up right after Peanut died

The universe is amazing

Jan Luther and EFT and how much she has helped me be who I really am

Gluten Free pumpkin pie waiting to be eaten

And the chocolate chip gingerbread cookie mix that I almost forgot about…

Flexible work schedule

Early morning writing, it feels good to be back at it

My amazing children and how they enrich my life and lead the way

Don, my best friend and partner

I am so grateful for the past 7 years with Don in my life

Don surviving his heart attack in 2011

Caring for children and for animals

Shadow and Sunshine, gosh they are adorable

Kittens eating bugs

My home, our remodeled bathroom and kitchen…

And all the love we share within these walls

Overcoming challenges

Looking forward to a wonderful day with my family

Missing the members who can’t join us today

The liter patter of little feet

49 years of life

Depression and Illness 

I got sick for the first time since coming out of my depression. Really sick. All of a sudden- flu sick.

I never used to be so ancy to get better, or maybe I just don’t remember what it felt like to really not want to be sick
One of the most difficult things being sick has been the fear that I wouldn’t want to do things again that I would find myself happy to be sitting around, in the recliner or in bed and watching movies and streaming an entire season of a tv show in one day. You know how when you get really sick, it’s hard to imagine getting better? Like, you feel so sick like you are dying, but you know you aren’t dying, your body just feels like it is.

I turned a big corner today after 4 1/2 days off illness with high temperature. I actually got to the point where I could tell I felt better and after watching some tv, I told myself, I would stop watching and get some things done. Because I finally felt up to it and finally could see a light at the end of the tunnel of illness. Yet, I watched one more episode and then another.  I have vivid memories of doing this in the past, when I wasn’t feeling well

Depression is an illness. It does leave you feeling sick and tired. No energy, no motivation, thst isn’t Laziness, it’s depression.  You don’t look sick to anyone. People don’t know why you don’t get the project done on time or follow up like you said you would or make that phone call to set up an appointment for yourself or even for your child. Little things take a lot of effort to complete. There are no “little things” everything feels like a big thing, everything feels like a lot of work to complete or it takes all of your energy to do it.

When you are sick with the flu, you are tired,  Have no energy, no motivation to do Anything, no desire to,

When I am sick with the flu, I became content watching movies. I figured, why not make the best of my time and do something I enjoy. I also wanted to keep my mind on positive thoughts. I picked feel good movies and comedy shows. It’s ok to be “lazy” when you are sick. It’s like universal permission to be lazy.

The fear of becoming depressed again can be crippling.

I wrote the above post more than 2 1/2 years ago when I was in a very good place as far as my mental health. I have bipolar depression, the kind where my upswing is hypomania, or just high functioning and feeling good. I have been though a few cycles of ups and downs since I first write this post. I have realized some more things as I reread this post

I get sick more often and am much slower to shake any illness when I am depressed as compared to when I am not. I look back on things I did just days after being very sick in spring of 2016 and in a more depressed state, wonder, how the heck did I do that?

I have gotten sick during my more recent down cycle, one that lasted from June or July until Oct-November. It was ten times more awful being sick as it felt like forever and even when I began to feel better, I still didn’t have much energy to do anything, which just lead to not feeling well again. A vicious cycle of physical illness and depression.

Is it possible that some people with chronic illness are caught in this loop of physical illness and depression?

I see it in my own life. And I consider myself generally healthy.

The only medications I have been taken are for my depression.

What I ask of my readers today is this:

The next time you have a friend or family member not follow through on something or fail to do what they said they would, stop and contemplate the idea, Anne they are dealing with some form of anxiety or depression.

Sometimes I look like a lazy person and yet, I have accomplished much in my 49 years. I have had periods where I completed WonderWoman like feats, as well as many long stretches of barely getting by.

If this post helps even one person dealing with a mental illness or a loved one who has mental illness, than I am forever grateful for the opportunity to write and share my experiences.

Pulling the rug out from under me…And becoming who I am!

A large weight was lifting from my shoulders tonight.

I have been trudging through “the hard life”, waiting for the sh#t to hit the fan…

I have been living in fear of the rug being pulled out from underneath me, again!

Life has brought many challenges over the past 10 years leaving me feeling like I was living under a heavy weight of doom and gloom.

I stopped myself at work today.

I found myself thinking, “This is hard. I have to go back and see that patient and I have to walk through this large building and I am still figuring out how to get where I am going.”

I stopped myself and said, “Wait a minute!”

“This is NOT hard. I can do this. They are paying me good money to be here and to help them. I can sit in the comfortable building and walk these pretty halls, in this “palace” with a lap top that makes it easy to do my paperwork. I know how to be an Occupational Therapist and how to work with a variety of people and a variety of conditions and living situations. I know how to read through weeks of notes and write a progress report with one visit with the person. I CAN do this! I can ENJOY this!”

THIS IS THE GOOD LIFE

I AM living the good life!

I can decide how many hours I am working for these companies each week.

I can decide how much time I am spending writing.

I can decide how much time Don and I are spending growing our business and creating videos and pod casts and expanding our program.

I can decide how I spend my time.

It can be easy!

It really can.

I have removed myself from the drama of the hard job

I work PRN- as needed and on my terms.

I get to say, Yes I can work, and NO, I can not work!

I decide.

Don and I can present our introductory workshop to multiple places and people and gain more and more clients.

Life can be that easy.

I can enjoy what I do.

Fully enjoy helping people, without all the drama

Free of the drama of the healthcare- …sick-care system.

I am choosing a new path.

I can work in health care and stay out of the drama.

I can.

I can go in and do my work. And leave work at work.

I can then go home and get on with my life and my other endeavors and other pursuits.

I can work for my employers and do the work and come home and have plenty of time for the rest of my life!

Time to grow a thriving business with Don, helping families.

Empowering families to support their children and be better versions of themselves and improve their communications skills and their relationships, and their lives.

I can bring to other families what Don and I have brought to our family.

I can.

I am.

I am Gina

Here me roar.

I am a writer,

I am a mother.

I am an Occupational Therapist.

I am a facilitator and a coach.

I am a partner, a wife and a friend.

I am Gina.

I am creating my life.

I am.

Today is June 4, 2018

I went to a new psychiatrist today. This is my third psychiatrist in 2 1/2 years. I have not been happy with the psychiatrists I have seen. I have been disillusioned by the majority of the mental health community that I have encountered for myself and my children.

Today, I went to my appointment with a plan to be completely honest.

Refreshingly, the psychiatrist asked what brought me in today and I spoke frankly with her and she was real. She listened to what I said and spoke to my questions respectfully and authentically.

I decided quickly that I liked her.

She did not know what EFT was but she initiated asking me about it. She heard my perspective of my experience of depression and respected that I felt it was bipolar depression. She stated she was going to keep the major depressive disorder diagnosis for now, not sure why, but whatever, it does not really matter. She did understand Bioplar 2 and spoke clearly about it and asked specific questions about my experience.

I felt heard.

After the appointment, I thought about the law of attraction.

I was ready to be honest with the doctor and also wanted to be heard and that is what I experienced.

When I was depressed and sought a psychiatrist, I found one in an old building with no working air conditioning and so she ran a fan which affected my ability to hear her confounded by her soft voice, accent, and my hearing loss. And she only accepted cash payment, very inconvenient for me to have to have cash on me. I don’t have a local bank and so finding an fee free ATM is a challenge. Last thing I need when I am depressed is more challenges, hurdles, to going to the doctor that I most need to see.

When I was hypomania, bordering on manic, I saw a psychiatrist who although very open to alternative therapies and resources, was easily distracted and lacked focus.

Hmmm..

Something very funny about all of this.

The law of attraction is powerful.

I also worked today, at my newest job. The job where I feel like a queen in a palace. Quite an unusual feeling for me at work. I worked longer than I had told them I could work, but it worked out ok because the reason I had to leave early changed, an appointment I was supposed to have in the afternoon got canceled.

I have put in many hours at this new job and am happy to do so. I am getting the best pay rate at this new job, the best and the first time I have had a true increase in pay in over 20 years. Crazy, huh? No, I work in health care.

I went to get a massage today. A good friend offered a special on massages this month, 90 minutes for the price of 60minutes. I couldn’t pass it up, an opportunity to support her, get a great massage, and see my dear friend who I have not seen in a while.

I think I am now clearing toxins.

I feel like I need to exercise or something.

Restless discontent.

Maybe it is the fact that my husband, Don, and I are speaking in just 3 days and I am beginning to feel the panic of do I really know what I am doing speaking to a group of people about parenting?

This Panera closes too early, 9pm. I am used to the Panera that is open until 10pm. They are cleaning the floor already at 8:30 and out of 2 kinds of tea. I got prickly pear and don’t like it.

Restless discontent

That state of being agitated and bored and edgy yet uncertain

Not knowing what is going to happen next and ready to move forward

To move out of this feeling of unhappiness

Was I feeling unhappy?

life has been wonderful lately

Yet, a part of me is grieving

Grieving a loss

My life is about to change

Change in a good way

And yet, a change is still change and loss

Does change have to be loss?

No, yet it is a loss of the way life was…

And the way it was… despite the challenges, was familiar

I am entering into unfamiliar territory

I started 2 new jobs for 2 new companies recently

I lost my hours at a job I had been at for 8 years

They are choosing not to use me and also have changed policy so that even if they choose to use me, there would not be many hours for me

Body Language

A song by Queen plays as I write

Strange combination

Yet, body language is such a perfect image

For change, speaking to people

Not exactly the way Freddie sings about body language…

The way we communicate with each other

Communication includes how we say what we say

Respect

Consciousness

Collaboration

The three tenants of collaborative, conscious parenting

Moving through the restless discontent

The only way out of the mud, is through the mud…

Diving in deep

Deep into the mud

And Journey sings…

Workin’ hard to get my fill

Everybody wants a thrill

Payin’ anything to roll the dice just one more time

Some will win, some will lose

Some were born to sing the blues

Oh, the movie never ends

It goes on and on, and on, and on

Don’t stop believin’

Hold on to that feelin’

Gratitude: Embracing Bipolar Depression

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out

And if you want to be free, be free

‘Cause there’s a million things to be

You know that there are

And if you want to live high, live high

And if you want to live low, live low

‘Cause there’s a million ways to go

You know that there are

Cat Stevens sings as I sit here telling myself to write

Ups and downs, highs and lows

Bipolar depression and mood swings

Life challenges

Leaving me wanting to escape it all, at times

Other times ready to jump in and fight, power on…

Emotions

Feelings

Memories

Regrets…

Life for 48 and a half years and counting…

Opportunities come and gone

New endeavors

Staring new jobs, new people, new places, new computer systems…

Old jobs and people I have known a long time

Letting go

Moving on

Writing

Because I have to

Because it is what feeds my soul

Because when I don’t write,

I feel lost

Something is missing

Until I return to my keyboard

And figure out what to say

My life is awesome

Sometimes my life sucks

Circumstances and situations suck

Infuriated by government systems

Lack of organization and logic

Waiting

Mental health services

Sick care

Thinking of those things is a whole ‘ nother blog

Embracing myself and who I am

Embracing where I am

Right now

Right here

In this home

My 5 year home that I have lived in for 17 years…

With all its cracks and crevices and needed repairs

My house is nearly 49 years old, as am I

Built the year I was born

A good year

1969

I was born on Peace Day during the Vietnam war

October 15

I believe I choose to be born on that day

I was born 3 weeks past my mother’s “due date”

They allowed that back then…

Here I am

Now

Journey sings to me

Don’t’ stop believin’

Dreams

Writing

Aspirations

Hope

New endeavors with Don

Speaking

Speaking!

Writing and speaking my truth

My true self is emerging

i sing this song to my true self…

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

The mist is lifting slowly

I can see the way ahead

And I’ve left behind the empty streets

That once inspired my life

And the strength of the emotion

Is like thunder in the air

‘Cos the promise that we made each other

Haunts me to the end

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

The secret of your beauty

And the mystery of your soul

I’ve been searching for in everyone I meet

And the times I’ve been mistaken

It’s impossible to say

And the grass is growing

Underneath our feet

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

[Interlude:]

You see I know you’re out there somewhere

O yes I know you’re out there somewhere

You see I know I’ll find you somehow

O yes I know I’ll find you somehow

the words that I remember

From my childhood still are true

That there’s none so blind

As those who will not see

And to those who lack the courage

And say it’s dangerous to try

Well they just don’t know

That love eternal will not be denied

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

Yes I know it’s going to happen

I can feel you getting near

And soon we’ll be returning

To the fountain of our youth

And if you wake up wondering

In the darkness I’ll be there

My arms will close around you

And protect you with the truth

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

Thank you Moody Blues and Azlyrics

Story of my life

Have you ever seen the video for the song, Story of My LIfe, by One direction?

I have always liked the song and having just watched the video, I like it even more.

And I am very picky about my videos. My favorite song currently is Ed Sheeran’s Castle on the Hill, but oh my! I really dislike the video. It just does not do the song justice. I find the video cheesy. But I will focus back on the video I like…

Story of My Life by One Direction

Today is my half birthday.

Crazy? That a 48 year old woman is celebrating her half birthday?…

Maybe…

There is no cake or anything. I just always think about it when it arrives, 6 months prior to my next birthday.

And today, I am using the date to focus on me and my life for my blog.

What better song to use and after watching the video, I knew it was perfect.

Do three links to the video impress upon how much I want you to watch this video?

I will superimpose my blog within the lyrics of the song today….

“Story Of My Life”

Written in these walls are the stories that I can’t explain

I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days

April 15, 2018

I am 48.5 years old today. My 49th birthday is 6 months away. It is also “tax day” but being Sunday, I guess that will really be tomorrow.

I am very happy with my life right now. I would not have said that last year. Two years ago, I might have, but several years prior to that, most likely not. I have had more than my share of challenges over the past 11 years. Somewhere in all of it, I lost myself but have been working to uncover myself again. In doing so, I have discovered that the truest part of me has been lost for far more than 11 years.

The last time I remember being this confident and happy with myself was when I was 10, 11, and 12 years old and living in Bethel Park, Pa. I lived there for 3 years of my life: September 1979 through the summer of 1982. I made some wonderful friends in those 3 years and have some of my best childhood memories from that time period. I was a Girl Scout, a safety guard for the bus stop, part of the writing crew for a child run and produced news show that ran on the local channel and was facilitated by my 5th grade teacher at Washington Elementary School. I learned to play the clarinet and was in the band which continued even after moving across the state and when entering high school. I played softball for a church league and was a catcher and learned to hit the ball and even got a home run! I played softball the year before we moved to Pennsylvania, when we lived in Ohio, but we later found out that I really needed glasses and this explained my not hitting the ball for an entire season of softball. It is much more fun to play softball when you can see.

She told me in the morning she don’t feel the same about us in her bones

Seems to me that when I die these words will be written on my stone

I received my first journal, “dairy” when I was 10 years old. My sister gave it to me for my 10th birthday, October 15, 1979.

I still have that diary and every one after it that I have been writing in for the past 38 1/2 years. I have been a writer for as long as I an remember. My 6th grade language arts teacher was the best. I can remember creating a book of poetry in her class and I vividly remember her sitting down to review it with me. She encouraged me and praised m writing.

We moved a year later and somehow, my vision of myself as a writer changed. Somehow, when I was in high school and thinking about college, I never thought of pursuing a career in writing. Looking back at my life now, I see how everything I did was perfect to bring me to where I am today. I would not change going to E-town College and majoring in Occupational Therapy. Nor would I change all the places I have worked as an Occupational Therapist. Even the job I held for only one month. It all brought me to where I am now.

I used to say “I am a writer that got detoured by a career in Occupational Therapy”.

I don’t know that I would say that anymore.

I am a writer AND…

I am an Occupational Therapist.

Both are a large part of who I am.

And I’ll be gone, gone tonight

The ground beneath my feet is open wide

The way that I been holding on too tight

With nothing in between

The story of my life

I take her home

I drive all night

To keep her warm

And time is frozen (the story of, the story of)

The story of my life

I give her hope

I spend her love

Until she’s broke

Inside

The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

Any love song I listen to now, I often think about loving my inner child.

Nourishing the part of me that got lost, my true self.

I have been actively working to nurture my inner child for over 14 years ever since I began practicing EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique with Jan Luther.

I did personal work and went on to study EFT further and earned a level 1 and level 2 EFT training certificates. I also received level 1 and level 2 Reiki training. I am a student of Conversations with God. That goes back even further, I believe to before my oldest child was born over 20 years ago. I remember hearing Neale Donald Walsh speak at Unity of Charlotte when I was pregnant with my oldest child. I have read many self help books as well and engaged in classes on spiritual health and growth. I went to counseling with my husband when we fist met and before we even had a first fight. I attended further therapy on my own and joined a women’s group and continued to be in touch with those women for several years.

Written on these walls are the colors that I can’t change

Leave my heart open but it stays right here in its cage

I know that in the morning now I see us in the light upon a hill

Although I am broken, my heart is untamed, still

Depression has been a part of my life since my teenage years. I did not struggle significantly until my senior year of college at the age of 22. Although, high school was difficult for me and I lacked self-confidence and could not wait to move out of highschool. I excelled academically but socially was a very different story.

Moving out on my own after graduating college was a shock to my system. Somehow I envisioned that experience to be an extension of college, but it was not. I had challenges but found my way.

I met my husband in March of 1993, just four months after moving 600 miles south to North Carolina.

I can still see the add in my OT magazine for the job, it read,

Shouldn’t you be in Charlotte?

It spoke to me.

I am glad I listened. That is one “should” that benefited me!

Married in May of 1994

First big job change in August of 1995 with significant pay increase and less stress

First child born November of 1997

Changed to part time work (from full time) in January of 2000

Moved to new larger house in April of 2001

Child number two born February of 2002

Home full time in Summer of 2007, something I had desired since February of 1998 when I returned to full time work leaving my 12 week old son home with his dad

Spring of 2008, expecting my third child and when three months pregnant,

…Back to work because my husband was reduced from full time employee with salary to contractor paid commission only

January 8, 2009 my third child is born and I choose to stay home for a full year because that is why we had waited to have a third child…

So that I could be home full time

Our financial struggles began in summer of 2008 when my husband lost. his job, but never collected unemployment because he still had a job, as a contractor, paid commission, and he even had to collect the money from customers.

I sought work but it took a few months to get hired and worked many weekends ad other days as needed until December when I felt I was too pregnant to continue. I had worked up to the day before for my first two children, but this time I was 39 years old and very tired with this pregnancy.

I returned to work at that same job in spring of 2010 when my youngest was just over a year old, working “PRN” on a part time, as needed basis. I continued at that job until recently.

I could continue to list life events from this point on and yet, that would take hours.

I already have many blogs written about the challenges overt the past 10 years.

The important part…

Is that I am on the other side now

I have walked through the mud

Swam the swamp and come up for air

Hurdled the obstacles with bruises and scars

Badges of honor abound

And courage…

I am stronger because of it

I am also who I am because of all of my experiences

I am NOT what has happened to me…

I AM who I now as, as a result of my choices I have made about what has happened.

And I,’ll be gone, gone tonight

The fire beneath my feet is burning bright

The way that I been holding on so tight

With nothing in between

The story of my life

I take her home

I drive all night

To keep her warm

And time is frozen (the story of, the story of)

The story of my life

I give her hope

I spend her love

Until she’s broke

Inside

The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

And I been waiting for this time to come around

But baby running after you is like chasing the clouds

The story of my life

I take her home

I drive all night

To keep her warm

And time is frozen

The story of my life

I give her hope (give her hope)

I spend her love

Until she’s broke (until she’s broke inside)

Inside

The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

The story of my life

The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

The story of my life