sharing my life experiences, reflections and insights as a mother, a writer, an Occupational Therapist, an unschooler, and and a spiritual being having a human experience

Posts tagged ‘tuning in’

Gratitude: Embracing Bipolar Depression

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out

And if you want to be free, be free

‘Cause there’s a million things to be

You know that there are

And if you want to live high, live high

And if you want to live low, live low

‘Cause there’s a million ways to go

You know that there are

Cat Stevens sings as I sit here telling myself to write

Ups and downs, highs and lows

Bipolar depression and mood swings

Life challenges

Leaving me wanting to escape it all, at times

Other times ready to jump in and fight, power on…





Life for 48 and a half years and counting…

Opportunities come and gone

New endeavors

Staring new jobs, new people, new places, new computer systems…

Old jobs and people I have known a long time

Letting go

Moving on


Because I have to

Because it is what feeds my soul

Because when I don’t write,

I feel lost

Something is missing

Until I return to my keyboard

And figure out what to say

My life is awesome

Sometimes my life sucks

Circumstances and situations suck

Infuriated by government systems

Lack of organization and logic


Mental health services

Sick care

Thinking of those things is a whole ‘ nother blog

Embracing myself and who I am

Embracing where I am

Right now

Right here

In this home

My 5 year home that I have lived in for 17 years…

With all its cracks and crevices and needed repairs

My house is nearly 49 years old, as am I

Built the year I was born

A good year


I was born on Peace Day during the Vietnam war

October 15

I believe I choose to be born on that day

I was born 3 weeks past my mother’s “due date”

They allowed that back then…

Here I am


Journey sings to me

Don’t’ stop believin’





New endeavors with Don



Writing and speaking my truth

My true self is emerging

i sing this song to my true self…

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

The mist is lifting slowly

I can see the way ahead

And I’ve left behind the empty streets

That once inspired my life

And the strength of the emotion

Is like thunder in the air

‘Cos the promise that we made each other

Haunts me to the end

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

The secret of your beauty

And the mystery of your soul

I’ve been searching for in everyone I meet

And the times I’ve been mistaken

It’s impossible to say

And the grass is growing

Underneath our feet

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you


You see I know you’re out there somewhere

O yes I know you’re out there somewhere

You see I know I’ll find you somehow

O yes I know I’ll find you somehow

the words that I remember

From my childhood still are true

That there’s none so blind

As those who will not see

And to those who lack the courage

And say it’s dangerous to try

Well they just don’t know

That love eternal will not be denied

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

Yes I know it’s going to happen

I can feel you getting near

And soon we’ll be returning

To the fountain of our youth

And if you wake up wondering

In the darkness I’ll be there

My arms will close around you

And protect you with the truth

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

Thank you Moody Blues and Azlyrics


What is a 7 letter word for: A Modern-day Teenage Necessity ?

Today I am quoting one of my favorite song writers, David Wilcox.

From his album Big Horizon, That’s What the Lonely is For:

The depth of your dreams, the height of your wishes
The length of your vision to see, the hope of your heart

Is much bigger than this

For it’s made out of what might be

Now picture your hope, your heart’s desire –
As a castle that you must keepIn all of its splendor, it’s drafty with lonely

This heart is too hard to heat

When I get lonely ah, that’s only a sign
Some room is empty, and that room is there by design
If I feel hollow – that’s just my proof that there’s more
For me to follow – that’s what the lonely is for

But, you can seal up the pain, build walls in the hallways
Close off a small room to live in
But those walls will remain, and keep you there always
And you’ll never know why you were given…

why you were given the lonely

When I am in a slump, music can lift me up and pull me out.  I have always been inspired by music and have sought relief from the challenges of life with music.

Did I grow up in a musical family?

Not exactly.  My mother liked to sing and I grew up listening to her albums played on our stereo, on the turn table.  …Barry Manilow, John Denver, Glenn Campbell, and Neil Diamond…to name a few…the ones that I remember most.

My mother sang in the church folk group and she took guitar lessons for a short period of time ( Right, mom?) but the guitar wound up in my sister’s hands who learned to play it as well as singing in the church folk group.

Childhood Singing and the Recessive Gene

I enjoyed singing as a child but in 7th or 8th grade I had a music teacher who graded us on if we could sing on key or not…and well, he embarrassed me in front of my entire class making the accusation that because I was Italian, I should be able to sing on key.  Apparently, I inherited the recessive gene for singing pitch and so I got a lower grade and the humiliation of the announcement to my teen peers that I was not living up to my heritage.

Yet, I sing anyway…sort of…

I love to sing along to songs, but I rarely do so where I can be easily heard by others.  I will sing in my back yard and created my own versions of songs. My children have never minding my singing.  Well….as toddlers they loved me singing to them but my two older children no longer enjoy my made-up songs.  My daughter rolls her eyes at me sometimes and my son who got the Italian gene , lets me know that I am off-key in his subtle or not so subtle way.

Early Introduction to Instruments

My parents encouraged us with music, allowing us to pick an instrument to play as part of the 4th grade program at the elementary school.  The school provided a day to try out the instruments and I was allowed to choose which one I wanted to learn, just not the drums- too loud, or the saxophone- too expensive.  I tried out the trumpet, the flute and the clarinet.  I could actually play notes on the clarinet, and so being an efficient person, I choose the clarinet.


We lived in Bethel Park, a suburb of Pittsburgh, PA when I was in 4th grade and they had a great music program.   It was cool to be in the band.  I did well, although probably not as well as my older sister who seamed to excel at everything.  And then just before the start of 7th grade, we moved to the land of football and basketball…maybe there were less Italians there…because their music program lagged in comparison and so I was playing much easier music than my previous school in a much smaller band.  Before, it seamed all my friends were in band, and now I was a “bando” and could only make friends with other “bandos”.

My first purchase, a modern-day teenage necessity…

When I was 15 1/2, I got my first real job.  After securing the necessary work papers required to work at the local restaurant where my sister and friend were working, I began my official working career as a bus-girl at Franklin’s Family Restaurant in Whitehall, Pa.    My very first pay check, what was left of it after the government took their share, went to the purchase of a modern-day teenage necessity….a boom box, complete with cassette player and detachable speakers.  Seriously, people, I don’t hide my age…this was 1985.  I still had this radio until it died a few years ago.  It was sad parting with it….wish I had kept it.  Maybe I could have gutted it like my dad did with our old TV cabinet.  I could have created an over-sized storage space for my MP3 player  and my JVC “walkman” – it still works!

Real Stereo Sound and Real Music

Realize that this was a huge upgrade from the radio my parents had bought for me years before that had only one speaker, yes, lacking stereo sound…no wonder I had difficulty singing on pitch.  As my now teenage son pointed out to me, now having only one speaker does not mean the lack of stereo sound but back in 1985, it did.

I was thrilled with my purchase and added to my cassette collection with the sounds of Billy Joel, Michael Jackson, The Pretenders, Yes and ZZ Top, to name a few of my purchases.  I liked a variety.  My love of classic rock would come later, in part from hearing my sisters albums and later my brothers “hair bands” like Poison and Def Leppord.    And I still love this music.  Thank you Wiz at 106.5 for Resurrection Sunday!

What does this have to do with David Wilcox’s lyrics?

A few minutes ago, I thought I had strayed off course with my post.  Now, I see that the lonely place I have been in was a reflection of missing parts of my life, rooms that have been hidden or dusty.  Sharing pieces of my past is a way for me to open these rooms in my castle.  In order for others to learn more about me, and for me to confront myself and what is important to me.

I had no desire to write today….

I left my house today to escape- to get away- and be in a place for a few hours where I only had to worry about myself.  I had no ambition to write but knew that I needed to get out because I have been in this place before and have been able to pull myself out of a slump by taking time for me.

And so, I have been here at my computer at my favorite food and wi-fi spot listening to ….”We Can Work It Out”,  “Closer to Fine”, “This We Know”, “I Have a Dream”, “A Place in the World”, “Finally Found a Home”, “Galileo”, “Forever Young”, Let’s Get Real”, and “Give Peace a Chance”… a few of the songs on my Writing Inspiration Playlist.

Listening to this music has been part of my writing time ritual.  Once again, it has achieved its purpose, refocusing my frame of mind.

Today, it has been a start

A start into digging deeper

Into my own loneliness

And discovering the meaning

That is missing in my life

I must remember that it begins with music….