Beach Memories: 15 years of family fun with Blue Green

Twenty-four years ago today, my first child was born. It’s 6:30 in the morning as I write this post, watching the sunrise over Myrtle Beach, I remember heading to the hospital in the early morning hours November 10, 1997.

Such excitement for a young couple to bring a human being into this world. I see our house as we pulled in the driveway at 5612 Trotters Ridge Road. We enter a decorated entranceway, courtesy of our wonderful neighbors, Brian and Cindy. I was hungry and wished I had gotten a lunch at the hospital before we left. Our baby boy had cried most of the way home and I sat and nursed him as my husband fed me lunch. I was 28 years old.

I have enjoyed several birthdays at the beach over the years and this year I am here for my son’s birthday. Unfortunately he could only stay through last night because he is needed at work today. It’s a crazy time of the year for a manager working in retail. He began working part-time at Best Buy six years ago, just after his 18th birthday. He shared birthday celebrations with me joining us at the beach for 3 days.

I remember our first family beach trip. Harrison was 9 and Abby was 5. I can still see their excitement as we walked to the beach and they played in the water, the run-off water that drains at the beach. I didn’t realize that is what it was at the time. We had a free stay courtesy of Blue Green. We had no intentions of purchasing a time share that weekend. I am so glad “I caved” as my husband tells me, despite paying too much for our time share, we have had so many wonderful vacations together over the past 15 years.

Our first grand adventure we went to Florida in March of 2008. We stopped in Savana and had lunch and then stayed a night in Jacksonville. We went to St. Augustine the next day as I was eager to see the statue that inspired the name La Leche, an organization that helped me connect with my baby and continue to nurse when I returned to work 12 weeks after he was born. I later became a La Leche League leader, helping other moms on their journey with breastfeeding. I treasure that time in my life and all the amazing women I met. La Leche League introduced me to attachment parenting and a new way of life. I met my first homeschooling parent at one of the early meetings. It was the evening group I began attending in preparation for returning to work.

Here we were 9 years after I attended that first LLL meeting, a family of 4 at Ormond Beach Florida staying in the beautiful BlueGreen resort. Such excitement for our first full-fledged family vacation, one that did not involve visiting family.

We sat on the beach and dug a sand chair and splashed in the ocean. It was really windy and I was upset that cars were allowed to drive on the beach. If feels like a life time ago and it was a time before OCD wrecked havoc on our life. I had a cell phone but that is all it was. If I took pictures, they are in a box somewhere. I had not yet joined Facebook.

We have not returned to Florida but have enjoyed many visits to Myrtle and North Myrtle Beach. Two summers ago, my and the kids enjoyed a few nights in the mountains of Virginia in the luxury yurt! I had dreamed of staying in the yurt since I first thumbed through the BlueGreen Vacation Book.

I guess our first trip with all three of my children was in the summer of 2009. We went first for a few nights to visit with the Grothoff side of the family where several of my in-laws were staying for a week. I think we returned in September as I recall pictures of a young Lexi sitting in the sand and I know we went in September of 2011. Most of the trips were for two or three nights. October 2019 we enjoyed 5 nights at North Myrtle to celebrate my 50th birthday.

I am talking dates and places yet in my head swirl all the memories…

The across the lazy river challenge, my two older children using the inflatable tubes to get across the pavement

Collecting sea shells and our last day walk on the beach tradition

Lexi standing on the beach “water bending”

Tossing a ball in the pool

Building sandcastles and sand chairs and a sandman

Lost buckets and shovels and ordering new ones

Standing in the water as the waves crashed against us and I held dearly to my children through excitement and giggles

Shopping adventures and picking out refrigerator magnets for our collection

Hard Rock Cafe in Florida and California Pizza in South Carolina

Monopoly

I almost forgot about Monopoly games both at the beach and New Year’s Eve at home

Returning from a walk along the beach with Abby to a decorated room to celebrate my birthday.

Dancing on the table with Don

Listening to music and dancing through the balcony doorways

Many of these images are captured in digital form and likely why I remember them so well.

I also tend to remember things very clearly when I write about them and as I think about that fact, I wish I had done more writing during these wonderful trips together.

It has been wonderful to have the past three days with all six of us. I will close with the memories of this birthday beach trip.

Harrison stopping the bubbling over seltzer coming up his straw and watching the seltzer fly out his nose

Walking along the pier and Lexi naming the seagulls, sand pipers and Pelicans

The pelican sitting in the middle of the pier surrounded by people

People laughing as a sand piper stole the food that someone through down for the pelican

Learning a new game together, Betrayal at Hill House, fighting our doppelgängers

Harrison figuring out the chair lift to lower Kai/ Liz into the hot tub

Harrison and I helping Kai/Liz walk along the beach back to their wheelchair.

Abby and I perusing the Gay Dolphin shop on the Myrtle Beach Board Walk.

Uno Flip

Carrying lasagna from our room around the corner to the second room where Harrison, Kai and Abby were staying

Kai capturing photos of Harrison’s silliness opening his gifts

Don’s stress relief instruction card

Dammit Doll

WTF memo pad

Jelly Beans and Taffy

Large candy cane and a glass taco ornament

Wooden puzzle block puzzle, we never did check that one out and I am quite curious about it

Exploring the mystery of the Gay Dolphin and all its levels

Watching sunset from the balcony

Walking on the beach at sunset with Harrison

Enjoying Harrison’s drone pictures of the ocean

Watching 911 in Abby’s room

The one where Chimney travels to find Maddie and

Athena’s son deals with his trauma of being kidnapped

Grocery shopping with Harrison, another tradition, but somehow I forgot about the silliness that we usually enjoyed while shopping

Don, Lexi and I enjoying a morning walk along the beach

My solo walks along the beach and dancing in the water as the pigeons watched my shoes

Because I asked the pigeons to watch my shoes

Walking along the boardwalk with Abby and showing her Sea Glass Tower and the 20th floor where I stayed both times I traveled to the beach alone

Enjoying home made muffins with tea on the balcony with Lexi

The sun in my eyes

November 7-10, 2021 at Horizons at 77th

Drowning in Tears: Feeling my feelings and moving through them

Last night, I was very upset and so I went to my cozy chair in the basement where I write. I curled up with a blanket and my “Sad” playlist, adding more sad, sappy songs from the 70s.

I brought my crochet bag with me. I crocheted the blanket I have been working on for my nephew’s birthday. I crocheted and cried and got lost in the music and lyrics.

I realized it has been a long time since I have allowed my feelings to flow like that. Bottled up feelings came pouring out, anger, resentment, frustration, sadness…

My mind was flooded with so many situations that have bothered me over the past several years. I felt very alone at the time and rejected. I felt like I was being swallowed by my feelings. I was in the flood of tears and sorrow like floating alone in the middle of the ocean, out of sight from land.

I felt ignored by my partner, my best friend, my spouse. Yet, I wasn’t ready to accept anything from him. Looking back on it now, I see that I needed to stay in my feelings and allow them to be really be felt. I curled up and fell asleep for a short while. He came downstairs around 11:30, tapped me on the shoulder and said, “You’re falling asleep. It’s time to go to bed.”

I didn’t want him or anyone telling me what to do. I was awake when he came down and I know I had fallen asleep. I had intentionally set my crochet down and curled up to sleep because I was exhausted by my feelings.

I did get up because sleeping on my chair, as comfortable as it is, is no way to sleep. I wanted to be in my bed with the covers over me. I just didn’t want to interact with anyone. I had my earbuds in the entire time, lost in my music, comforted by my music. I got ready for bed and climbed in with my ear bud still in one ear as I lay on my side to sleep.

I did not fall asleep right away. It was late and our 12 year old was still awake which bothered me. It was almost midnight and I worried she was having a flare up of anxiety and worried how he would handle it. I took out my ear bud, heard talking but not the words and decided it was calm. I lay there partly wanting him to approach me and give me a hug, apologize.

When I was curled up on my chair crying and crocheting, my 19 year old came down the stairs several times doing her laundry. She looked over at me and I looked up. She put her arms out and without words, let me know she would like to give me a hug. I still had my earbuds in listening to my music. She came over to me and gave me a big hug.

“Thank you” I told her

And she went upstairs without a word.

I felt seen and heard and loved in that moment.

I realized that was exactly what I needed. And it made me cry even more. Tears of joy and pain. Feeling proud that I had raised this amazing young woman and grateful that she understood. She understood what I needed in that moment and gave it to me without judgement and in the way I needed in the moment, without words.

When I am depressed, as in experiencing major depression, I do not curl up in a chair and cry. I may spend moments curled up and alone, yet for the most part, I feel numb and detached from my feelings. I distract myself from my feelings and at times even see that. Knowing it is too painful to feel everything that I am feeling and that I still need to function. I need to function enough to work to bring in income to take care of my family, to be sure they are fed and attended to with their basic needs.

I disappear from myself and engage in avoidance which usually looks like me lost in a game on my phone or binging on tv shows.

Last night, I did it differently.

I was upset at my husband and unhappy with how an argument had ended, how the entire conversation had transpired. I choose to be alone, listen to music and work on a project I was eager to complete. I withdrew to my safe space, my personal space I have created for myself. As I cried and crocheted, I realized I needed to let these feelings out. I got lost in how alone I felt yet looking back now, I see I needed that.

Today, I woke up not knowing how my day would proceed. I showered because I never did that yesterday and wanted to feel fresh. I was happy that I woke up while everyone was asleep. I needed more alone time to process and in order to move forward.

I decided to step outside on the porch like I have done regularly over the past week or so. It is my new morning routine, a meditation and quiet reflection time standing on my porch with the eastern sky view of the sunrise.

I stood on the porch, listened to my meditation song and watched the beautiful red and purple colors of the sunrise on this cold, crisp, January morning. I was deliberately choosing each next step that I took. I fed the outside cats, I had made my tea. Standing on the porch, I decided I needed to take a walk and what a wonderful morning to walk.

I needed to express my feelings outwardly to release the intense emotions with movement of my body. Flipping through songs on my iPhone, I matched my walking pace to the songs. I reflected over thought provoking songs and I danced and sang with empowering music. It felt so good to walk as I realized how much I needed to take that walk.

I am the one who tells my children that when their brain feels stuck either with depression or anxiety, that getting out and moving their body is so important.

Moving helps the brain to move out of the anxiety and getting outside helps to ground ourselves and to center ourselves. Walking or exercising or just moving outside is brain food. Exercise for the brain and body which is one of the best things we can do for our mental health.

Now, I write.

Writing is meditation for me. Writing is who I am. When I am writing, I am expressing myself, enabling myself to be the grandest version of the greatest vision every I held about who I am.

Find your outlets for your feelings. Find what works for you. When you can take care of yourself in this way, by feeling your feelings and moving through them with intention and reflection, you give your children the greatest gift.

Our children learn through our example. In order to help them accept and process their feelings, we need to take care of ourselves and this includes feeling our feelings and allowing them to see our experience.

We can create a safe space in our homes for feeling feelings. We can give our children a time when they can let out their frustrations without any judgment from us. We empower our children when we empower ourselves.

In order to move through feelings, we must first step into them like entering the water to swim to the other side.

Sunrise Over Cumberland

Awake at seven am

quiet house

all asleep

cats meow

morning peace

before the sunrise

chilly morning

standing on balcony listening to MLK

MLK, the song by U2

standing on the dock at Pier 19

Wind blowing on that cold March morning

So let it be

Domino munching on crunchies

and if the thunder cloud passes rain

So let it rain

Rain on you

pride inclusive flag moving gently

Sleep tonight

And may your dreams be realized

October morning

Sunrise over Cumberland