sharing my life experiences, reflections and insights as a mother, a writer, an Occupational Therapist, an unschooler, and and a spiritual being having a human experience

Posts tagged ‘burnout’

Pulling the rug out from under me…And becoming who I am!

A large weight was lifting from my shoulders tonight.

I have been trudging through “the hard life”, waiting for the sh#t to hit the fan…

I have been living in fear of the rug being pulled out from underneath me, again!

Life has brought many challenges over the past 10 years leaving me feeling like I was living under a heavy weight of doom and gloom.

I stopped myself at work today.

I found myself thinking, “This is hard. I have to go back and see that patient and I have to walk through this large building and I am still figuring out how to get where I am going.”

I stopped myself and said, “Wait a minute!”

“This is NOT hard. I can do this. They are paying me good money to be here and to help them. I can sit in the comfortable building and walk these pretty halls, in this “palace” with a lap top that makes it easy to do my paperwork. I know how to be an Occupational Therapist and how to work with a variety of people and a variety of conditions and living situations. I know how to read through weeks of notes and write a progress report with one visit with the person. I CAN do this! I can ENJOY this!”

THIS IS THE GOOD LIFE

I AM living the good life!

I can decide how many hours I am working for these companies each week.

I can decide how much time I am spending writing.

I can decide how much time Don and I are spending growing our business and creating videos and pod casts and expanding our program.

I can decide how I spend my time.

It can be easy!

It really can.

I have removed myself from the drama of the hard job

I work PRN- as needed and on my terms.

I get to say, Yes I can work, and NO, I can not work!

I decide.

Don and I can present our introductory workshop to multiple places and people and gain more and more clients.

Life can be that easy.

I can enjoy what I do.

Fully enjoy helping people, without all the drama

Free of the drama of the healthcare- …sick-care system.

I am choosing a new path.

I can work in health care and stay out of the drama.

I can.

I can go in and do my work. And leave work at work.

I can then go home and get on with my life and my other endeavors and other pursuits.

I can work for my employers and do the work and come home and have plenty of time for the rest of my life!

Time to grow a thriving business with Don, helping families.

Empowering families to support their children and be better versions of themselves and improve their communications skills and their relationships, and their lives.

I can bring to other families what Don and I have brought to our family.

I can.

I am.

I am Gina

Here me roar.

I am a writer,

I am a mother.

I am an Occupational Therapist.

I am a facilitator and a coach.

I am a partner, a wife and a friend.

I am Gina.

I am creating my life.

I am.

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The other side of depression, Bipolar Depression

I found this post in my drafts written February 12, 2018.

For some reason, I never published it. I suppose I felt it was unfinished.

Two months have past since I wrote it….Today is Monday April 9,2018.

I will first share the post as it was written two months ago and add to it at the end.

Written February 12,2018:

I decided today was a day to write about myself and my journey with depression.

I reread the post I wrote 8 months ago, shortly after I started on my current anti-depressant,

Seeing the Horizon

That’s just the way it is

Some things will never change

That’s just the way it is

Ah, but don’t you believe them

That’s just the way it is

Some things will never change

That’s just the way it is

Ah, but don’t you believe them

Bruce Hornsby sings in my ears as I write…

When I am in the midst of depression, I feel stuck like the words of the song, that’s just the way it is.

Yet, I never lost hope, but don’t you believe them.

I have now been on Prozac for 8 months and I feel I first really saw improvement back in October, after 4 months on medication. I insisted my doctor start me on 10 mg before moving up to 20mg for an easier adjustment for the medication. It’s what we did for my daughter and was recommended to minimize side effects and so I wanted to do the same for myself. It was also how the nurse practitioner had started me on a different anti-depressant 2 years ago when I first asked for medication help for my depression.

Here I am on the other side and looking back

Now if you’re feelin’ kinda low ’bout the dues you’ve been paying

Future’s coming much too slow

And you wanna run but somehow you just keep on stayin’

Can’t decide on which way to go

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I understand about indecision

But I don’t care if I get behind

People livin’ in competition

All I want is to have my peace of mind

Boston says it so well. Thank you amazing musicians and azlyrics.

Reading my post Seeing the Horizon….

I feel that I am in a weird fog.  I don’t want to use someone’s suffering to figure out my own life. Yet this expereince today has affected me. I want to take from it to move forward in my life and in my choices.

In my post, Seeing the Horizon, I shared an experience I had going to a new location for my writing time and discovering a man on the floor. My first thought was he was sleeping, which seamed so silly after the fact. He had collapsed, fallen out of his booth onto the floor face down on the ground and I froze, witnessing the restaurant employees try to figure out what to do, offering him ice because he was clammy. And I stood there frozen, knowing what to do but unable to make myself step forward and speak up, “I know CPR”.

This experience and how I handled it has haunted me since it happened. I came to some peace with myself realizing it had triggered my PTSD from when my husband had a massive heart attack and cardiac arrest in my own home. I was so thankful the medics arrived before he went into cardiac arrest. I was grateful that a police officer showed up rather quickly after the restaurant employees tried unsuccessfully to help the man. One employee knew to roll him gently onto his back and someone called 911, while I sat there paralyzed.

I recently completed a 6 week Resiliency Course with the amazing EFT Master, Jan Luther and founder of The Ego Tamer Academy and Author of the book, “Grief is Mourning Sickness”.

This course involved 6 intense weekly phone calls and some other individual work with tapping (EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique) along with other exercises as part of a deep healing experience.

In my own personal work, through the help of Jan and the “borrowed benefits” of my group members, 5 other women, I discovered a connection between my own issues with medial professionals who have failed me and my children in getting the help we need with this experience.

This experience where I failed to respond to help this man in need.

In this realization, I was able to forgive the medical professionals who have failed my family. We are all human and we all make mistakes. On some level, there is still some underlying frustration with the failure to get help for my children when we really needed it. Yet, I have learned that moving past this resentment and anger is healing. Healing to myself including the ability to forgive myself for my own mistakes.

I have always been my own harshest critic.

In reflection, I have continued to move forward with great strides over the past two months.

I went through a long period of only needing 5-6 hours of sleep and getting up very early and accomplishing many things and jumping into many new things. While enrolled in the 6 week Resiliency Course, I realized my job of 8 years was not serving me and the universe had been pushing me to move on, and I had a difficulty phone encounter with my boss that led me to moving forward on my job search process that I had already started due to lack of hours. I also interviewed for and accepted two jobs, both “PRN” work, meaning on an as needed basis which is my status of employment at my other two employers. I have worked PRN for over 16 years since leaving my part time position when my daughter was born.

I was liberated when I moved away from the job of 8 years that was no longer serving me, nor providing me a pay check.

I found new work close to home and a better rate of pay.

I have been an Occupational Therapist for 25 years and for the first time in 21 years, I have found a position with a higher rate of pay than I have previously received. This is the nature of healthcare jobs in 21st century America.

I am still in process of completing online requirements for the one employer. I have begun work for the other employer and am enjoying my 3 mile commute. I have worked at this facility in the past and so I knew several of the employees when I interviewed for the position. Being a familiar place, helped ease my transition to the new job. Change can be hard even when I am not depressed.

I have come to realize that I feel I have had some underlying depression since my teenage years. Most certainly since the challenges that came about in my life after moving when I was 12 years old, just prior to my 7th grade school year. And all the challenges of puberty only added to the struggle for me. I had some bigger issues in college my senior year when my relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years ended. I think the depression was mild until..

Maybe until my daughter was born and the challenges of being home more and juggling the needs of 2 children, or later when I was trying to conceive our third child and having no success but having hot flashes instead. Even then, when I look back, that was a relatively happy period in my life. I was struggling in that year before our third child was conceived and then when I was 3 months pregnant, my husband lost his job. The very job that helped me to stay at home full time and for us to make the decision to have the third child I had always wanted.

My daughter’s OCD symptoms began about this time, but we did not acknowledge it fully until it exploded a year later, when her baby brother was one year old and she was 8 years old.

That was 8 years ago…

The following year, 2011, my husband had his heart attack.

6 months after his heart attack when he had completed outpatient cardiac rehab, I developed Bronchitis that was recurrent for over 6 months and then got in a car accident just over one year to the anniversary of his heart attack.

May 2011 and May 2012: challenging times

My car accident in May of 2012 was far more devastating to me than my husband’s heart attack.

I became a pessimist.

And I wondered how that happened, because I was always the eternal optimist.

Yet, I knew “life had dragged me down”…

Songs like this have kept me going. Music is my therapy.

I will close with the words of the late, great Tom Petty for he has been one of my biggest inspirations over the past several years writing about my depression.

Well, I won’t back down

No, I won’t back down

You can stand me up at the gates of hell

But I won’t back down

No, I’ll stand my ground

Won’t be turned around

And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down

Gonna stand my ground

And I won’t back down

(I won’t back down)

Hey, baby, there ain’t no easy way out

(I won’t back down)

Hey, I will stand my ground

And I won’t back down

Well I know what’s right

I got just one life

In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around

But I’ll stand my ground

And I won’t back down

(I won’t back down)

Hey, baby, there ain’t no easy way out

(I won’t back down)

Hey, I will stand my ground

And I won’t back down

Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out

(I won’t back down)

Hey, I won’t back down

(I won’t back down)

Hey, baby, there ain’t no easy way out

(I won’t back down)

Hey, I will stand my ground

And I won’t back down

No, I won’t back down

Four o’clock in the morning

It is 4:00 in the morning.

Sounds like the beginning of a song.

It has been awhile since I have woken around 2:30 am, unable to sleep and have come to the kitchen to my lap top.

Today, I went to my email not sure why I was doing that, seamed so frivolous, like I needed to do something of more importance like write but wasn’t feeling in a place to write.  Good decision as I came across the link to my husband’s Blog, “My Spiritual Spot”.  His most recent blog post called

Fickle Fart

I had to read that.

And so I did and then I read more and more

And found myself wanting to read things he posted prior to his heart attack as well as just after it.

I commented on his posts and finally in my last comment, found myself writing

delving deeply into my own thoughts, reflecting and expressing

For some reason, I am now frozen, unsure of what to say next.

I could say how reading other inspiring posts, helps inspire myself and helps me reconnect to who I really am and to remember who I am and my purpose here.

Maybe this blank feeling, this unsure of what is next, is only

space

breathing space

It is ok to be in the question

to just sit in the stillness

the quiet

the space between the words

this early morning time is space between the busy moments of my life

breathing space

and breathing is essential for living

Let’s Get Real

…that you cannot find or create a costume big enough

to hide your true self from anyone.

  In truth, we’re all wearing The Emperor’s New Clothes. We parade before the world naked–thinking that no one can see us. Why not just be proudly revealed, and authentically who we are?

And do not worry about being rejected and alone. It is

the real you that everyone falls in love with–and that

God adores.

So I am once again inspired to write after reading my daily message from Neale Donald Walsch.  I did something new today when I was playing on my BlackBerry in the early morning hours after waking up and not being able to sleep, I started reading others blogs and I found some good ones.

I read some  wonderful articles including, Old Fashioned Play Builds Serious Skills and Changing the Paradigm which reaffirmed my beliefs about home/unschooling.

And I read some others where I disagreed which in turn fueled me more to write my own thoughts. ( I thank all who post their ideas and opinions.  I like reading articles that challenge my way of thinking as well as ones that allow me to get a glimpse of how other people think .)

This post, Part2: I homeschool because I am selfish – Homeschooling Five, was by far my favorite. It was my favorite because she was real. She wrote what she was thinking and what I and others have thought. After reading her bio, I read more posts.  She wrote about “owning our words” and “not censoring those who disagree with you” in another post.  That is the kind of writer I aspire to be…one who speaks my truth clearly yet honestly; respectful of others yet without apologizing for being who I am.

So now, in the words of the amazing song writer and performer,  Billy Jonas (no, not one of the Jonas Brothers), “Let’s Get Real“.  Real about what you ask?

Burnout

Not just burnout in the general sense, but caregiver burnout.  Sure, this is recognized like described in the WebMD,  but I believe we need to recognize and deal with this before it gets to the full burnout stage which is basically Depression.

To dig further, I think one of the biggest reasons we fail to see the signs coming, is as a society, we fail to acknowledge grief.  Sure,  we acknowledge grief when someone dies but grief happens in many forms and it can happen even when the experience is not as dramatic as physical death.   What about other life changes, big and small, that challenge our way of living and cause us to rebuild or rethink our life?  I have many personal examples I can share.

Five years ago, my father was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease, very early stage.  He was still living life to the fullest, continued to work in his self chosen semi retired state, living in his dream home on the lake and active with his hobbies of fishing, golf and woodworking. His diagnosis didn’t  directly affect me, yet because I am an Occupational Therapist and have worked with people in the late stages of Parkinson’s, it had a big impact on me.  I imagined the future, based on those who I have seen in late stage, and this changed my image of my future  including my father’s deteriorating health (Parkinson’s is a progressive neurological disease)  and the idea of  no more  family gatherings at my parents’  lake front property, something I had come to really love and value for myself and my kids.  My father had been in good health and was 64 when he was diagnosed. It was a sudden realization of the mortality of my aging parents.  About this same time, my good friend and amazing EFT Master, Jan Luther, was working on  her book, Grief Is…Mourning Sickness.  I had the opportunity to be part of a video tapped session for local television where Jan talked and demonstrated EFT around the topic of grief.  Jan recognized my experience as a form of grief (sure -milder than a more traumatic event, but grief nonetheless).

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross first defined The Five Stages of Grief in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. Yet, theses stages, now well know, most people associate  with tragedy especially with a terminal illness or catastrophic loss, like the death of a loved one.  There are different degrees of grief.  And so when my 52 year old healthy husband had a sudden unexpected heart attack and cardiac arrest and was rushed to the hospital by ambulance in Ventricular Tachycardia,  his dark blue  face and  motionless body being forever imprinted in my mind, and even after he was “brought back to life” and in recovery in the CCU 4 hours later and I got to talk to him, one could see clearly that I was in a state of grief.  Looking back, I see how I was both in shock and denial.  The denial  came more when I lingered to call 911.  As I research the word shock, I discovered this information on  “trauma cycle” ( see Phase1. The Loss Cycle).

And so while my husband was in the hospital, friends and family swarmed us with love, prayers, thoughts, help in many forms including caring for our three children, providing meals, groceries, and in so many ways I could write an entire blog about it.

Then, 12 days later Don came home and I continued to ask for help, something that used to be difficult for me but had become suddenly very easy to do when Don was in the hospital.  Yet, as time wore on, and my husband improved, it became more difficult for me to ask for help.  He had survived a nearly fatal heart attack and was on the mend and so surely we did not need as much help now.  Yet, I knew better and didn’t foresee fully how I would slow down in asking for help.  Sure, we were excited that he was home and improving and just plain grateful he was alive and grateful for all the help our family and friends gave us, yet, now we had bigger challenges.

When he was in the hospital, life was simple.  I was either at the hospital with Don, helping advocate and care for him, or I was at home tending to the needs of my children.  Now, with Don at home, we were adjusting to his “new life” with 7 medications (when he was on none before), and me acting as his caregiver, taking his BP and monitoring him as an Occupational Therapist (because I am an OT and I can’t just turn that off) as well as the increased responsibility of caring for the children and home with initially very little help from him which has slowly improved but is no where near the level it was before (Don is a a very involved dad) not to mention the added new financial challenges and juggling doctor appointments.

Yea, that was a rather long sentence and it doesn’t even come close to fully describing how much busier my already busy life became.   And with time, it has gotten busier. Sure Don has been able to slowly do more but by slowly I mean SLOWLY!  We talked about it the other day and as of now, June 27, 7 1/2 weeks after his heart attack, he is at about 50% (at most )of his activity level compared to before his heart attack.

And does anyone still recognize that we are still dealing with grief?  I haven’t asked anyone the question.  I know that as a society, one would assume, that we no longer have “grief” but just ” a lot to deal with”.  Yet, all that I have learned from Jan Luther, I know better that this is still part of the process.  Even as Don gets amazing news that his heart has returned from 25% function to 50% function (near full recovery), our life is forever changed and we are continuing to  process this change and are in fact, going through the stages of grief.