Today: May 17, 2020

My office

It’s taken me 5 months to sit down and write again. I have created this cozy coffee house writing space in my basement. I have everything I need, a comfortable chair, my ipad and Bluetooth keyboard, iPhone and wireless earbuds. Water is heating in the tea kettle on the stove so that I can make a chai tea latte.

My cats run and play. Shadow darts down the stairs and jumps in to the hammock we created, hiding from his sister, ready to pounce when she returns. Sunshine is no where to be found…

Life ebbs and flows

March 26 the governor declared a state of emergency and issued a shelter in place order. The corona virus had arrived in the US and fear set in across the country. The virus was spreading rapidly and people were dying. COVID 19 became a daily headline.

I suddenly had increased hours at the nursing home where I work on an as needed basis. The following weeks, I had no hours. The facility locked down, limiting new admissions, limiting the therapy caseload, limiting the need for additional therapists.

Hope

I discovered that even part time employees can collect unemployment. New federal funding and orders also now made it easier for individuals to receive unemployment due to reduced hours from corona virus. It was not so easy to get an account set up but a week later, I had one and then waited. Four weeks later, I received my first unemployment check and then I figured out how the system worked and what was required to qualify for unemployment each week. Every state has different requirements and different maximum weekly distributions. NC is one of the lowest.

North Caroline is beautiful with mountains and beaches and bass-ackwards when it comes to government programs and policies

The Times They Are A-Changin’

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won’t come again
And don’t speak too soon
For the wheel’s still in spin
And there’s no tellin’ who
That it’s namin’
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin’

Life will never be the same

We hear this phrase often now. I have said or thought this many times in my life during the many challenges my family has experienced. Yet, each day is a new experience and so the happenings of the prior day, render life Different.

I am both saddened and amused seeing adds on tv showing people connecting more… Parents teaching children at home, parents working from home, families spending more time together. I shake my head and wonder why it has taken a pandemic to get people to prioritize relationships and spend more time connecting.

My family has lived this way for a long time. My husband works from home and has since we decided to start a family. We have been homeschooling our children their entire lives. My husband and I have been growing a business together helping families… to connect.

Connection. And Balance

I have friends on both sides of the fence. Regarding this pandemic and government regulations and controls. We want to protect people and reduce deaths and we want the freedom to live our life. The dichotomy has contributed to the divisiveness that has been growing in the US. My personal.belief encompass both philosophies. And I wonder, why does it have to be one way or the other?

Some might say, you can’t have both.

I am hear to challenge the idea that we have to be on the side of Personal freedoms OR on the side of saving lives.

I have been concerned from day One about restrictions. I work with the elderly and confining them to their room in a nursing home or an assisted living facility can have a negative impact on their health. And keeping seniors in their homes can be detrimental to their health. Yet, these are the very people who are most at risk for complications from the virus and who suffer a higher mortality rate.

Are we merely delaying the inevitable spread of this disease?

I believe in boosting our natural immune system to fight illness and maintain health. The naturopathic medicine philosophy has been a part of my life and my immediate family for many years. Breastfeeding is the best way to begin building our immune system and far more effective than any vaccine. My younger two children never had an ear infection. I have been so much healthier since embracing this philosophy, including improving my diet and using foods to boost my immune system.

How do we allow for the freedom to live our life and protect the vulnerable population, minimize their risk for serious illness and death.

If we all followed a naturopathy philosophy of health, would a quarantine be necessary? Allowing personal freedoms means allowing people to make their own choices when it comes to their health, even if it means they choose things that diminish their physical health. We all choose things that are not in our best interests at some time in our life. We are human and living in this physical experience.

What if we looked at this pandemic from a spiritual perspective?

I think we might label it in a different way then by calling it a pandemic. From a spiritual perspective we could refer to this time as…

The time we became so wrapped into our physical expression of our body that we both lost sight of our higher purpose and also reconnected with our inner selves

It needs a shorter title, or does it?

We live in a culture of quick fixes, instant responses and fear inducing headlines.

From a spiritual perspective, I can see that I still have the freedom to live and be who I am even within the restrictions on entering the community. I can be my true self despite the government regulations and control. Yet, when I think of parenting and raising children, I see it differently. As adults, this is only a small period of time in our life but for our children, this is their childhood. How they experience life has an impact on how they develop and limiting their experiences can have a detrimental affect on their mental health.

Any drastic change, sudden change or disruption to our routine can have a detrimental affect on our mental health, for all of us, no matter our age. It can and does also impact our physical health as well as our mental health in a cyclical manner.

I invite you to share your perspective. I challenge you to find a blending of the needs of personal freedoms and protecting the vulnerable. Please share. I would love to revisit this idea with the input from others. Respond in comments or feel free to private message me if you prefer to be anonymous.

I leave you with these thought provoking lyrics as you contemplate. These words are even more powerful listening to Kenny Loggins sing them:

Where are the dreams that we once had?
This is the time to bring them back.
What were the promises caught on the tips of our tongues?
Do we forget or forgive?
There’s a whole other life waiting to be lived when…
One day we’re brave enough
To talk with Conviction of the Heart.
And down your streets I’ve walked alone,
As if my feet were not my own
Such is the path I chose, doors I have opened and closed
I’m tired of living this life,
Fooling myself, believing we’re right, when…
I’ve never given love
With any Conviction of the Heart
One with the earth, with the sky
One with everything in life
I believe we’ll survive
If we only try…
How long must we wait to change
This world bound in chains that we live in
To know what it is to forgive,
And be forgiven?
It’s been too many years of taking now.
Isn’t it time to stop somehow?
Air that’s too angry to breathe, water our children can’t drink
You’ve heard it hundreds of times
You say your aware, believe, and you care, but…
Do you care enough
To talk with Conviction of the Heart?

Many thanks to Bob Dylan, Kenny Loggins, Azlyrics, YouTube, and to all of you who read and share my posts.

Sneaking around at 5am

I used to be a night owl

And still stay up late on occasion…

Yet, now I wake up and feel like I was out drinking the night before

I think that feeling began to happen about twenty years ago when I was 30

Since my husband returned home on November 6, after open heart surgery…

I wake up early and am eager to get up to have time to myself

Some mornings, my youngest child has fallen asleep in my room

Her anxiety often flares up at night and can quickly escalate to a panic attack and a meltdown

Snuggling to sleep with mom, helps to dissipate or prevent the meltdown

I wake up and slowly move out of bed so as not to wake my sleeping child

If my child stirs, then I stand still in the dark, waiting…

There is a sound machine we use to drown out noise

I make sure the volume is turned all the way up

I move very slowly on the hardwood floor, waiting for the ocean waves to rise

Waiting for the sound machine noise to be at its loudest before taking a step

If I make too much noise when my child stirs, they might wake up

A child with an anxiety disorder needs all the sleep they can get

An almost 11 year old child with an anxiety disorder definitely needs more sleep…

Pre- puberty… oh my

Parents worry about “the terrible twos” and teenage years…

The real challenge in parenting is the pre-puberty years

Around age 9, 10, 11

That is when the most change happens, emotionally

My other child with an anxiety disorder, had a major flare of her disorder just prior to her 11th birthday and it continued to escalate when she turned 11.

She didn’t have a birthday party that year, the year she eagerly awaited her Hogwarts letter

We would have been happy to invite her friends over as we had done every year since she was 2

Having her friends all come over for her birthday is something she cherishes

And still does at age 17

Yet, the year she turned 11, she couldn’t even touch the birthday presents we bought her and didn’t want her friends over, she was stuck in the house for months…

She doesn’t remember much about that birthday

Much of her life when her OCD, her sever anxiety disorder, was flaring its ugly head…

…Is a blur to her

Now my next child who also suffers from this sometimes crippling anxiety disorder, is a few months shy of turning 11

It brings back tough memories

We know so much more now and have so much more help in place

Yet, the worry, the fears, the anxiety about our child’s anxiety is still there…

It is now 6am and I have made it out of the bedroom with my child still asleep

I have tiptoed down our creepy stairs to get my iPad keyboard and it’s stand

To return upstairs to my child’s empty bedroom in order to write

I have not gone to the basement where my comfy chair sits..

the place where I usually write, my office to be, a work in progress

Because my husband is asleep in the living room in the recliner

He is recovering from triple bypass surgery and is more comfortable sleeping in the chair

He wakes easily at any noise

He needs his sleep as well

Recovery from surgery is a slow process…

Recovery from open heart surgery is a very slow process

I sit with a desk top light shining

I am long sitting on the bottom bed of my child’s bunk bed

There are no pillows in the room for me to lean up agains the wall

Clothes are scattered about the floor, and tissues…

I resist the urge to pick up the clothes and the tissues and all the random things scattered on the floor…

My left foot is going numb

I reimposition myself

I now appreciate time alone

I never used to understand my husbands love of early morning hours in the quiet…

While everyone else was asleep

I always said, “I enjoy late nights when everyone sleeps”

Now, I understand

Now, i value this early morning time alone

Now, I look forward to being the only one awake

This is the best time for me to write

Before I dive into social media on my phone

Before I chat with my husband, which I do enjoy

Time first thing in the morning, to talk together while kids sleep is also wonderful..

I have found peace in the silence

I have my earbuds on but have not yet turned on my music

I am alone with my thoughts in the dark silence of six-thirty am

Writing first thing is the best way to begin my day

I now can see how much better my day proceeds when I take time to write first thing

When I take time alone with my thoughts before doing anything else

My day proceeded with intention and a sense of peaceful calm

I look up and see the sun rise behind the trees outside the window

The blind is drawn up about 4 inches,

Just enough for me to catch a glimpse of the sunrise

Getting up to raise the blind, I realize my left hip is sore from sitting crossed-legged

I am reminded that my body is fifty years old

the same age as my house

The cats who sleep in our basement, meow

And I know that will wake my husband

It is time to walk quietly downstairs to feed the cats, to quiet them…

Incase my husband can still fall back asleep

Getting up early and moving quietly through my house has been well worth the effort.

I am grateful, November 19, 2019

I am grateful…

I am grateful for:

Cherries, bananas, kale and hard seltzer and my Ninja

Gluten free zucchini bread muffins in my kitchen

Time alone when I wake up, with the lights on

Spotify premium

Friends

Venting to my brother

Earbuds so I can play music loud while at home with my family

Don being able to do a few things without getting so winded

Mint Hill Aldi and CVS…only 3.5 miles away

My health

My amazing husband, recovering and being present for our children

Patience to help children with anxiety and depression

Patience while my husband recovers from open heart surgery

Finding a way to work and meet kids needs while Don can not drive for 4 weeks

Grace Slick and Mickey Thomas

Job with flexible hours

Being an Occupational Therapist

Dance With Me, by Phillip Phillips

Centering myself, finding a way to take care of me

Grounding and accepting what is

Connecting and being present for my children

Consciously choosing my thoughts, words and actions

Respecting differences

Changing my Perspective , November 14, 2019

On this day of your life

Dear Friend, I believe God wants you to know …

… that there is something ‘wrong’ with everything.

  
No matter what you are looking at, you can

find something wrong with it, something imperfect,

something that is not okay with you. Don’t worry,

if you look hard enough you’ll find it.

 

There is also something ‘right’ with everything.

No matter what you are looking at,

you can find something right with it,

something perfect.

 

There remains, then, only one question:

What are you going to look at? What are you

choosing to notice? What is your perspective?

(I’ll bet you already know what God’s perspective is…)

Such a powerful message

Each weekday, I received an inspirational message from the CWG Foundation.

I often find them so fitting for my current experience, especially when I am experiencing a challenge or a push out of my comfort zone.

Today, I have big challenges to face.

I have also been pushing out of my comfort zone as Don and I grow our business. And with him “out of commission”, I will be venturing out this weekend by myself for a new part of our business, meeting with a new client, having a family fun gathering for getting to know each other.

I am a writer and an introvert. The in person aspect of our business from speaking to groups has been a push for me. A big stretch out of my comfort zone!

Don and I make a great team. Speaking to a crowd comes easy to him, he thrives on public speaking. With him present, I have strength in the face of my fears and have surprised myself with how I am becoming more comfortable and more confident speaking to groups of people. Yet, I do get the same jittery nerve feeling each time.

We have added a new aspect when working with families. It involves us meeting with the whole family for what we call a “family fun meet”. It is a way to get to know The whole family, parents and kids and for them to get to know us. We have already met the parents and have a program in place for working with them. We gear our program to each client in an individualized way.

The family fun meet involves games and activities that include everyone in the family. It helps us to understand the personalities and dynamics of the family. It is also a way to begin to establish a therapeutic rapport.

We had to postpone our first family fun meet because Don was recovering from open heart surgery. We decided to reschedule the family fun meet sonnet rather than later. It is scheduled for this weekend, just 2 weeks after Dons surgery. He still has limitations and restrictions and is not yet ready to participate with me.

I am going to push past my fears and stretch out of my comfort zone to meet with this family. Sure, I have been an Occupational Therapist for 27 years and have worked with so many people and families. Yet, this is in a different setting and does not have the clearly defined rules and requirements that I have been following when I work within the healthcare setting.

When Don and I do a presentation and meet with clients, we have a prepared plan and also the freedom to go with the flow as is fitting to each particular situation.

With Don present, I have had the courage and confidence to follow my intuition and speak from my heart and “wing it”.

I now realize how I need this push to venture into an experience “on my own”.

Part of me is kicking and screaming, “I can’t do this!! Don and I are supposed to do this as a team! I agreed to do this as a team with him! I am not “ready” to do this alone.”

Am I doing this alone?

Is this a “new experience” for me?

I have run and led many groups in the past. Not only as an Occupational Therapist, but also as a La Leache League Leader. As I stop and think about it, I realize I have led groups and classes as a homeschool parent. I have more life experience than I often realize.

I love kids and young kids are in my comfort zone.

Helping to include everyone in a group is my strength.

Noticing if someone feels left out or is uncomfortable in a group setting is my strength.

Shifting gears from the plan and being spontaneous is a part of who I am, it is my strength.

I spent years in planning mode and following a structured plan, because it was required of me in school and in my job. It took me years to realize that being structured is not my personality strength, not my preference. It took me years to realize I thrive on spontaneity.

Yet, I still am in the process of convincing myself that it is ok to be spontaneous and not have an exact plan or to have a loose plan and modify it as needed.

Spontaneity is my strength.

Spontaneity is my strength!

I can do this.

Life is a journey. Our new business is a journey.

We learn through trying and making mistakes.

It is ok to make mistakes.

That is another challenge for me, accepting that mistakes are ok.

I have gotten better with age and my ability to work with families in our new business will get better with time.

Without a “first time”, there can not be experience.

I can also take my fears and worries and use them as strengths.

I also have resources of people to reach out to in preparation for the family fun meet.

I can now shift my perspective and more forward, excited for this new opportunity.

Excited for this new opportunity to use my strengths and be more of who I am.

Right here, write now…I live

I write because I must

I write for my own healing

I write to share my experiences

I write hoping my experiences might help others

I write because writing is how I figure out my feelings

I write because it is my creative outlet

I write because it is my passion

I write for my sanity

I awoke about 3am

Peri-menopause

Bipolar 2 Depression

Parenting

Children with special needs

Just when we thought we had a grasp on their needs….

Just when we thought we had an understanding of how to best help them…

Anxiety

Public speaking anxiety

Today my husband and I are giving a short presentation for 40-50 people

I secretly hope only 10 show up, despite my desire to grow our new business

I try to explain my fear to someone who loves and lives for public speaking

“It’s is like being in a room with 40-50 snakes”, I tell my husband.

I don’t know that he can really understand

Only those who experience something themselves can truly understand

…Any issue, challenge, fear, experience

Parenting

My greatest love

My greatest challenge

Myself

Dealing with the demons in my mind,

Dealing with my anxieties,

Taming my “ego” the nay-saying voice that keeps me from being who I truly am

Embracing where I am

Embracing who I am

Being who I am

Right here and right now

Dreaming

Envisioning

Manifesting

Creating

The grandest vision of the greatest version of who I am

Hope when you take that jump
You don’t fear the fall
Hope when the water rises
You built a wall
Hope when the crowd screams out
They’re screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love
And it hurts so bad (Yeah)
The only way you can know
You gave it all you had
And I hope that you don’t suffer
But take the pain
Hope when the moment comes,
You’ll say

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
Yeah with every broken bone
I swear I lived

I’d like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony

Hope that you spend your days
But they all add up
And when that sun goes down
Hope you raise your cup
I wish that I could witness
All your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes
I’ll say

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
Yeah with every broken bone
I swear I lived

I’d like to teach the world to sing

Thank you, One Republic, for writing and singing this amazing song.

Vacation

Things I have learned on vacation…

Hoping everyone want to do the same things at the same time sets us up for disappointment

Instead,

• engage everyone in a conversation about what they would like to do and how important it is for them to do so with others.
• Be an example of letting others know what you plan to do and inviting them to join.
• Have a conversation about how we must each choose what we want to do and that others may not want to join in and we can not change other people
• Repeat this message every day to yourself and to everyone

Allowing our children to be who they are is a booster of self confidence and stopping them from being who they are, sends the message that they are not ok

• If your 17 year old just wants to stay in the room, don’t fight it
• If your 10 year old wants everyone to do the activity together, help them to let others know this and listen to what they have to say
• If your child wants to push the elevator doors open, allow this, it hurts no one
• If your child talks loud in the elevator, let them
• If your child wants to pile up rafts in the lazy river, join in the fun

I can build a sandman structure and a sand angle all by myself and have a sense of accomplishment

Joining in my child’s sand building adventure and following their lead/ instructions is a lot more fun for all than telling them what to do/how to build

Listening to my child describe their building plans on the beach is more important then giving them suggestions on how to build a sandcastle

Listening to my child’s requests for what they want to do and doing what they want is a very powerful tool in engaging cooperation, building confidence and connection. It is something that may not seam obvious at the time until we shut them down by telling them “lets do it this way” or worse, ignore their requests.

Not everyone loves the ocean and the sand as much as I do.

My children’s interests in the beach may change as they get older and I need to allow them to be who they are.

Determining what is a change in their interest and what is an irrational fear that strengths the power of OCD is the MOST difficult thing to do!

Sugar causes meltdowns and flare up of any condition your child might have

Sugar in moderation and along with protein can be a good compromise

For children with anxiety, change in environment, even being at the beach with beautiful weather, is stressful and can cause an OCD flare up. (You think I would have remembered that one by now after going through this with child number 2)

For children with anxiety, disruption in plans and a disruption in their expectation of how things will go, can cause a flare up of anxiety/ a flare up of OCD that brings a scratching halt to fun

Accepting where we are in our journey and accepting the circumstances we are in, is far more powerful than trying to change it or wishing it wasn’t so

Reminiscing with your child on how much fun they had the last time at the beach or when they were younger, does not help them to have fun this time

Showing my children memories from our beach trip 9 years ago does not help them have more fun today.

Getting lost in how much fun we had 5 years ago or 9 years ago, takes me out of the present moment and sets myself up for disappointment

The sunrise and sunset at the ocean is one of the most beautiful sights and can not be fully captured with a camera

Talking a walk on the beach without headphones, helps me go within and allows for connection with other people

Random short conversations with strangers can be inspiring, bring joy and help me feel more connected to myself and to my life

Walks on the beach with my favorite music is the BEST form of exercise ever!!!

Dancing on the beach and singing (or lip syncing) along to the music heard through my ear buds is energizing, and so much fun! It’s better than dancing at a nightclub.

Getting up early to have time to myself, to write, watch the sunrise, walk out the beach, sit in the silence, is the best way to start my day

Five nights at the beach is the right number of days/ nights

When at the beach for 5 nights, I don’t have to try to cram all the fun in as quickly as I can… and it took me until day 3 or 4 to realize that

Going on vacation is an art that must be learned from experience and approached with patience and calm or it can turn into a nightmare

Looking forward to going home after an enjoyable vacation is a really good feeling.

Sunrise: reflections and insight

Today I awoke at 5:30 am feeling refreshed and recharged. Looking out the giant window as I lay in the comfortable bed, I was able to remain quiet and calm and go within. I have learned that I use music to help me focus and to restore my energy. Music is healing

Silence is golden

I often resist quiet meditation time. My sweet husband has reminded me often how important it is to have time in the quiet. I know that in theory and believe it. Yet, I have used excuses as to why I don’t do that. Who has time to sit and be quiet? For me, it isn’t even about the time. It’s more about my mind being so busy with thoughts, often anxiety, that I have needed music to quiet the inner turmoil in order to focus.

Time alone is essential

I have discovered many things about myself over the course of the past three days.

I enjoy:

Walks on the beach without a plan or time frame

Reading while in my beach chair at the water side as my chair slowly sinks deeper and the water rushes against me as the tide comes in

Walking along the boardwalk at sunset

Walking on the beach at sunrise, something I already knew

Watching people

Talking with random strangers and learning about their life

Having casual conversations with the employees at the pier store

Connecting with someone because she has a dog and is standing alone

I have learned these things that either I didn’t realize or had forgotten:

Talking to people gives me inspiration for writing

Having an adventure by myself makes me giggle and also gives me writing ideas

I really do not care what other people think about me

I enjoy video blogging, even if I’m not yet good at it

What is good enough?

I like order and having a plan

I also love spontaneity and the freedom to do whatever…

Drink from the carton with the refrigerator door open

Leave things messy and fall asleep without changing

It is really cool to sit on a bed and be able to view two televisions and to be able to watch two shows at once

And I don’t understand why anyone, even an actress in a movie, would cheat on Richard Gere!

Watching Harry Potter movies by myself is not nearly as fun as watching them with my kids.

Watching feel good, uplifting movies inspires me to write

Stepmom is an amazing movie and makes me cry,while sitting in my pink bath

When I am depressed, I don’t feel real sadness

Depression and sadness are two very different things

Being on the 20the floor with an entire side wall of windows, in the heart of Myrtle Beach and being able to view the city and the ocean, is…

THE MOST AMAZING GETAWAY that I could ever have asked for.

I plan to make this a yearly pilgrimage and I want this very room each time.

I will be happy with any room with a side view from the 20th floor, or the 19th, even the 17th would be high enough for a beautiful view, right?

I like consistency and the idea of coming back to this very room to have memories to inspire me to write even more.

I also love change and variety and know that I will be inspired to write from any floor of this building, yet being up high is the most amazing.

My fear of heights is also exhilarating…

Standing at the edge of the balcony looking out

Looking to the ocean doesn’t really bring fear, but when I turn for the city vie, that’s when my heart races and my chest tightens

Maybe there is a message in that

Or maybe my fear is more about falling into traffic and landing on concrete

I do have some claustrophobia discovered when standing on a narrow hallway with no windows, on the 20th floor of a glass building, and reading the sign that say, “in case of fire, use the stairs, brings scary things into my mind that I had to shut down immediately to enjoy myself.

And maybe that’s the difference with someone with obsessive compulsive disorder and myself. I have fears and even obsess over ideas somethings, yet I have the ability to shut down the thoughts quickly. I knew that OCD involved the inability to shut down irrational, unhelpful, scary thoughts. Yet thinking about standing in the hallway reading that sign and how easily I was able to shut the thought out AND how easily I was able to NOT let it stop me from enjoying myself. Sure, it entered my mind each time I saw it, but I quickly moved on and didn’t obsess about it when I wasn’t standing there next to the sign.

I am always amazed at the clarity writing brings me. I had no idea when I sat down to write that I would talk about the sign and discover insight into Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, an illness that invades my children’s lives.

We won’t be staying on the top floor next month when I bring my family to North Myrtle to celebrate my 50th birthday. And that is ok with me.

I will stop and listen better to them, knowing that sitting with the fear is what they need to do to overcome OCD, and also that they don’t have to sit with all their fears, especially when on vacation. There is a difference between their fears stopping us living our lives, and minimizing being in fearful situations so that they can relax and have an enjoyable time while on vacation.

I could sit here all day on this balcony.

It’s 7:30 am now and I just remembered I wanted to take a picture of the sunrise for this post.

I can leave today, knowing I can come back here with points and also without points.

I can stay longer next time.

I can leave here today, looking forward to coming back in three weeks with my family with the thought of all five, and hopefully six of us, will be together on the beach.

We have a tradition of family vacations at the beach and that is something they will take with them for the rest of their lives. And even after I am gone, they can come to the beach and think about me, remembering our time together.

I need to go home and find the pen drive with the journal entries I write for Jason’s journal. I have Harrison and Abbys’s on paper in my bedroom closet. I likely have more entries for them as well on those pen drives or stored somewhere on a computer.

My post had moved from inspiration to a to do list….

I will capture my picture of where I am now and move forward.

Life Detour: Hurricane Dorian rains on my parade

I was looking forward to two nights at a Myrtle Beach beachfront resort with a “limited view”. I planed this trip just one week prior to going. We have a time share and we had 700 points that would expire at the end of September. I have been working 40 hours per week as an Occupational therapist when typically I work about 20 hours, give or take 5-10.

I work PRN, as needed, and so I have no required hours but no guaranteed hours. I have not had my Monday afternoon/nights out for writing because of my working hours and fatigue after a 7-10 hour day working in adult and geriatric rehab. I love my work as an OT, yet it can be mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. And then I go home to my family of 2 kids living at home, husband, 2 dogs, 2 inside cats and 3 outside cats, and I have a 21 year old child and he and his fiancé now live on their own and I am close to both of them, help them when needed like to move into their new apartment last month. I love my family, they are my priority. I have learned I must take care of me in order to be there for all of them.

I can book my points – based time share online, viewing available resorts. I found 2 options for my three day stretch without scheduled work hours. One on the beach with a “limited beach view” and the other at a resort 15 minutes from the beach. After debating it, because the beachside resort would mean I use additional points, meaning less points for the spring when I hope to have a get away with my husband for our anniversary, and with the encouragement of my ten year old who said, “Mom you deserve to be on the beach”, I booked 2 nights on the beach.

I debated paying the $50 points protection fee so I could cancel or reschedule at anytime and not loose the points. I opted not to get the points protection.

Hurricane Dorian began to threaten my plans a few days ago as models predicted it’s path shifting from across central Florida to the Carolina Coast. I fretted over loosing my points and the disappointment of not going to the beach all by myself for 3 days.

My husband said, “Call and ask if you can reschedule.”

“No, I can’t. I didn’t pay for points protection.” Was my defeated reply.

Yesterday I anxiously watched the storm tracking news and updates online. I kept hoping it would disappear out to sea or even move west across Florida. I felt guilty wishing the latter, not wanting people in Florida to suffer, yet, that would mean I could still likely go to the beach.

I woke this morning feeling defeated as the weather news informed me the storm was sitting over the Bahamas as a large category 5 hurricane, the worst kind, and projected to head up along the coast, likely not making landfall, yet strongly impacting the coast.

I debated the safety of still going, as they did not predict impact until Thursday and I could always leave Wednesday if I needed to.

Apparently, I know nothing about hurricanes along the coast.

After posting on Facebook inquiring from my Carolina coastal friends and then messaging a few people for spiritual guidance for my internal dilemma, I sat on the bed and tapped, EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique.

“Call the resort!”

And so I did.

“It’s ok. We are under mandatory evacuation and have to clear out by noon today. You won’t loose your points.”

She was friendly despite the urgency of evacuating the resort within 5 hours. I asked some more questions and discovered all I needed to do was call the time share company tomorrow, today is Labor Day, and I could reschedule or cancel and not loose my points by just telling them there was a mandatory evacuation.

Relief.

No decision to make.

I decided to not let Dorian “Rain on my parade” and decided I would make other plans.

I can choose to not work the next three days. Sure, it is easier to say “No” to last minute requests to work when you are out of town, but I can also choose to not work. I have scheduled work hours for Friday and Saturday this week and had just worked a 5 day stretch: Thursday through today, Monday, Labor Day.

I had told myself, I can happily work though the long holiday weekend, knowing that afterwards I would be off for 3 days and at the beach all by myself!

Much needed respite and rejuvenation for a busy mother of 3 with writing goals and career pursuits outside my current job. Did I mention I homeschool my kids? And my kids and I have anxiety/ depression disorders.

I needed to get away!

I worked today and decided to think about other options for my three days, talking with co-workers and my patients to share my challenge and also gain other ideas and confirm outloud my intention to be off work and “on vacation” for the next three days.

I live in a beautiful city, Charlotte, NC, located 176 miles from Myrtle Beach, a three hour drive. The weather has been beautiful and cooler than usual the past few days, mid to upper 80s, down from the mid to high 90s we had for most of July and August.

I enjoyed being home after work with my family and had time with my kittens who have been quarantined to the basement for a few days, after finding some fleas on them.

I debated my options for the next few days and chatted with my husband. I wanted to make a plan and not let the next three days slip through my hands. My husband remained onboard for giving me vacation time and planned to take care of things, asking only to take our youngest to a therapy appointment Wednesday morning at 10am rather than take her with him to several of his business appointments.

“It is Monday night, I can go out to a coffee house and have me time to plan.”

I ate a quick dinner and packed my writing tools and planner book, and “don’t forget my headphones!”

I arrived at the coffee house where I first had time out for a writing club meet up and had first spent time writing. I used to write with colored pens in notebooks, because I did not yet have a laptop. The place was rather empty, yet it is Labor Day.

“Are you still open until 10?” I inquired.

“eight”

It was 7:45. I debated what drink to order and then sat outside at the picnic tables to decide what to do now. Google search. Amelie’s is open 24 hours, I recalled seeing it on my phone. Wow, they have many locations now.

I looked up the original location, not far from where I was and checked to confirm the hours. I called them. The recorded voice stated, “We are open 24 hours 365 days per year.” I could not connect to a live person.

24 hours, 365 days a year

They will be open!

I followed Waze to drive there, because I like the certainty of following a map app.

I realized it was taking me near uptown, Charlotte has an “uptown” rather than a downtown.

I checked to see if that was the best way to go.

The sun was setting and I was enjoying the drive with my sun roof and windows open, my hair blowing, listening to loud music on Spotify.

I love this city. It is beautiful and such a beautiful night.

Oh yeah, and I love “uptown”! The city life with tall buildings, sidewalks for easy pedestrian travel with a all kinds of people bustling about. My route took me skirting the beltway that circles our small yet rapidly growing downtown/ uptown.

I had already had the thought to spend one day, taking the new light rail into the city, and now finalized the idea to spend a day uptown at a coffee shop to write.

I love the skyline of a city and with the clear Carolina blue sky at sunset tonight, it was breathtaking.

Take a picture of it!

I was almost off the beltway but was able to capture one tall building in the sunset as I was stopped at the light at my exit.

I love the beach, my first choice destination, yet I can find beauty in other places and inspiration to write.

I have overcome another obstacle in life, finding peace and light in the detour.

I spent my life trying to answer to the voice inside my head
But all I found were empty questions from a time that I forget

I learned my lesson, it was wrong of me to look so far ahead
I’ll count my blessings one by one, I’ll live a life I won’t regret

And now I finally see the future’s right in front of me, yeah
And now I finally see the future’s right in front of me, yeah

I want to break free

Queen inspires this post

I want to break free of old patterns.

Of old ways of surviving

I want to return to thriving,

To living life rather than getting by

I lived in a world of highs and lows

I lived in a world of depression and hypomania

I learned to survive that way

I pushed through the depression and got through the days

I thrived in hypomania, found my true self and prospered

I knew even when I feel, that I could bounce up again

Now we have taken away the upswing

“You are high functioning with depression”

that is w hat my doctor said

Maybe if you compare me to others

But to me, I feel barely alive with my depression

I feel like I am struggling to get through

I may look like I am functioning

But am I?

Is spending hours each day on phone app games and streaming tv functioning?

Missing appointments and not following through with phone calls from doctors

Wanting to exercise but not doing it

Wanting to engage more with my family, but not managing to do more than discus television shows

Making a step forward every once in a while

And then not making steps forward for a while

Being emotionally withdrawn even from myself

Not writing

And not doing what I love

To me that is

not functioning

I make it to work, most of the time

Until I get sick and getting better is extra difficulty

I eat meals and manage to be sure everyone get fed, with my husband’s help

My husband helps a lot…

Grocery shopping, cleaning, home maintenance, getting kids to places, taking care of our pets

Growing our new business and continuing his practice

Today, I made a phone call.

I got a hold of my son’s doctor to straighten out a prescription.

I have many more things on my to do list

My should have gotten done weeks ago…list

I need to take it one small step at a time

I made that phone call this morning

It was even still morning

Tomorrow, I can make another phone call.

Tomorrow, I can write another blog

Maybe I can write my way into a new life

Nothing else has worked long enough to keep me going more than a few months

I can try this

I can write

Waking up at 2am

I woke up at 2am and made the mistake of looking at Facebook. A Facebook “friend” had shared a video of a Pediatrician speaking out agains transgender youth, speaking out about the dangers of medications and procedures for transgender children. From her video spewed mountains of hate for LGBTQ individuals and references to the Bible and God and Jesus and a debate on gender and sex.

Ignorance

First, I made comments back on the post and to the people spreading hate and ignorance.

I took my frustration and decide to write a blog.

My blog turned into a blog about all I have learned from my children.

Love

Love is stronger than hate

The opposite of love is fear

People are afraid of what they don’t understand.

Come from a place of love

This is my goal in my writing, to come from a place of love.

So now I have been awake for 4 hours?

Has that much time really gone by?

I am not sure what time i sat down to write, must have been by 3am.

It is now 6:28.

How I spend my time.

I wrote one blog in 3 and a half hours

And spent much time reading other posts on Facebook.

Hmm…

How I spend my time…

I am now paying attention to how I spend my time

The first step in changing my actions is to pay attention to what I am doing

And ask, Why?

Or maybe more poignantly, what purpose has it served for me?

Today, I have learned that I can read something I completely disagree with and from that create a post of love. That I can pull inspiration from unusual places.

And what I write about might not be a response to what I have read.

I have also learned that I can choose how I spend my time.

I have learned that I have been craving quiet time alone

Time alone in my own thoughts

That is renews me to have time to reflect, to listen to inspiring music and read social media and then turn to writing.

We all can be influenced by persuasion even in the absence of facts and science.

Facebook and social media is full of so much misinformation and it is a source of real information, truth and honest news.

Like life, it is a dichotomy.

Now it is 6:30am and my alarm goes off telling me to get up for work.

I am now ready for a nap.

Yet, I will get ready for work.

Inside their is a struggle of resistance, wanting to spend my day writing and reflecting rather than entering the world of geriatric healthcare for the day.

Yet, I know I can choose how I spend my time.

I can choose to make time to write and reflect and have quiet alone time.

I can and need to make these choices actively no matter what is happening with my family and what time my children wake up.

I can get ready for work and go to work now and nap later.

I can take this idea with me today and remember that I am more than my job working in healthcare as an Occupational Therapist.

I can create time for writing and pursuing parenting coaching business just as I make time to go out of the home and work to bring home income for my family.

Everything is temporary.

I can earn an income in more than the traditional way of working at a job.

I can have faith.

I can live in this world and not be of it

I can work at a a job and pursue a passion and and pursue earning a living from a business.

I can transition my time slowly or however it unfolds…

I can embrace the change.