March 21, 2016

Writing

Writing is my passion. It is who I am.

I remember getting my first diary. It was a gift from my sister for my 10th birthday.  I remember because I have this diary and every diary and journal after that first one. When I have read through the entries of my childhood diaries, I have realized that I remember the events described in the pages because I wrote them down.

Parenting and Work

When my oldest son was born, November 10, 1997, we had a plan in place.  I would return to work full-time after a 12 week maternity leave and my husband would stay at home with him while he grew his business.  I was able to return to work at 32 hours a week and remain fulltime.  Before my son was born, this plan sounded great.  I remember telling my co-workers that the father could be the primary caregiver as well as the mother.  My plan was that once my husband’s business grew enough,  I would reduce to part-time hours.  In 1997, I could work “prn” and earn double my full-time hourly rate. It sounded so easy, I could work 20 hours per week (without benefits) and make same amount of money as I did working 40 hours. 

Birth and Bonding

I had hoped for a natural birth but only took the hospital birth class and one offered by my NP at my OB-GYN office.  I wound up being induced with an epidural but was so glad he was born without a c-section.  I intended to nurse for 6 months because that was what was recommended by the AAP at the time.  I was very happy to have a healthy baby boy yet boding with him took time.  Parenting was a whole new experience for me. When he was 12 weeks old, I had to return to work. It was the most difficult thing I ever had to do. 

Motherhood and Parenting

Going back to work was so difficult for me. I was glad he was home with my husband when I went to work and I don’t think I could have left him otherwise.   I wanted to be home full-time with my baby!  Don, my husband, told me he would get a job so I could stay home. We had a plan. He had quit his job to be in business full-time for several reasons but a big one was because he wanted to be involved in his child’s life and be there. His previous job required regular travel.  We both knew we wanted to raise our child and not have the child in day care. We shared the parenting experience and he worked when I was home.  Yet, from that moment when I returned to work, my goal became to find a way to work from home. 

Employment and Working from home

I remember researching working at home opportunities. All I remember about that is ordering some ribbons to make some bows for a company, but the ribbon was tiny and I never made any of those bows.  It was 1997 when my first child was born and we had the internet because my husband wanted it for his business but I did very little on the computer back then.

My job changed dramatically in 1999 with the many healthcare changes that happened. I no longer had a job 4 miles from home working 3 full days and 2 half days.  I had to drive to two different nursing homes, one 45 minute drive and the other a 90 minute drive and work in both each day to keep my job. My salary was cut by 15% and my benefits changed including less paid time off and higher healthcare costs.    I did that for 9 months and managed to change my hours to working just 4 days per week and remained full-time but started job hunting.  Because of the changes in healthcare, there were not many jobs to be found at the time. 

In 2000, I found a new part-time job in home health care. I had more flexible hours and could do my paperwork from home.  Moving from full-time work to part-time was a big jump. Also, having to manage my own schedule was a significant and challenging change for me.   My income was half that year being part-time compared to full-time.  (as a side note: when my husband quit his job to go full-time into his own business, ( because  I pushed him to do so saying I could support us) our combined $100,000 income went to $50,000 that was 1996.  When I returned to work in 1998 at only 32 hours per week, my income was $42,000).  I share all these figures to truly paint the picture for you.  We choose to live on less because being home with our child was more important to us than having a bigger house and a newer car. We were looking at moving to a new home in 2000 but because  our lower-income, we had to suspend that plan.  My husband’s business was slowly growing but I remained the primary breadwinner for some time.

An Idea Is Born

I attended my first LLL meeting when my oldest was 3 weeks old.  I was looking for support with breastfeeding with returning to work.  Being in the room surrounded by moms and babies and children, even nursing toddlers, was an eye-opener to me!  I swore I would never nurse my baby past age one. Yet, being surrounding by attachment parenting moms was a new world for me. I can remember  talking to a mom of a 3 month old. She worked as a nurse and worked nigh shift so she was home with her baby in the day.  I can hear here saying something to the effect of, “aren’t they wonderful “(meaning the babys).  I was still bonding with my baby and adjusting to motherhood at that stage.  I know deep inside of me, my soul knew that this was the life for me. 

My oldest, Harrison, developed a love for road signs at an early age.  You can read more about this here.  I became more involved in the attachment parenting world and learning from my son how to be a mother.  From these two aspects, an idea was born.  I envisioned a conscious parenting website and called it, “Mommy, Daddy, STOP”.  My meaning in this name was “Mommy, Daddy, stop what you are doing and pay attention to me because I will be a baby and a child for a short period of time and spending quality time and quantity time with me is important.  And stop reacting and just parenting the way you were parented, but consciously choose your words, actions and your method of parenting.” By this time, my husband’s business had morphed into a website business and he secured the domain name for me even before I started the website.  I spend time writing about parenting and created a notebook full of ideas for my website.  As I write this, I am picturing my notebook with colored pen marks and realize that I need to find this notebook!

Flash Foward to 2008

I finally created the site on the Ning platform with the help of my now 10-year-old son. And I created a homeschooling website on Ning as well.  I was motivated to finally jump in and do this  because my husband had lost his job August of 2008 when I was three months pregnant with our third child. Backing up…My husband sold his website business in summer of 2007 and then went to work full-time for the man/company he sold his business too.  This was a wonderful opportunity for our family. We had regular income for the first time in years and I was able to not work outside the home for the first time in years.  And it was what I was waiting for to even attempt to have a third child.  I had my second child in 2002 after a year of attempting and one early miscarriage.  I was working in home health care and was able to very slowly return to work when she was 8 weeks old. Literally working just 3 hours per week for several weeks before increasing to about 6 hours per week and slowly increased to an average of about 15 hours per week.

Ning Websites

In 2008, creating a website on the Ning platform was free of charge.  Ning is a platform for creating a social media website which was new and fresh at the time with the growing popularity of that big social media website, you know, Facebook.  I also found work again, prn work as an OT at a local nursing home that summer without telling them I was pregnant.  I needed to bring in some income while my husband rebuilt his business and before my new baby was born! I also poured my time into primarily my homeschool website thinking it would be the one to first bring in income, eventually.  I had no initial plans for making money, I just knew the site would benefit the homeschooling community at a time when it was difficult to find out about homeschool support groups and area resources.  I trusted in the universe that somehow over time, this pursuit would bring me income in order to be home full-time with my children.  And I began posting articles on my Parenting site; the tag line for Mommy, Daddy, Stop was : consciously parenting our children, our parents, and ourselves. 

Baby number three is born in 2009

I worked until mid December of 2008 and then went on unpaid leave. When you work prn, you don’t really “go on leave” you just don’t sign up to work any hours.    He was due January 4 but my other two children were born before their due dates: 12 days prior and 4 days prior. Jason was born on January 8, 2009 in our kitchen, an elective home birth with a lay-midwife.Yes, that story is for another post. I remember getting called from a co-worker after a few months asking if I would be coming back to work.  I told them I wasn’t ready to come back to work yet.  We managed to live from savings and eventually credit because I wanted to be home full-time with my baby for at least a year.  And I did not return to work until after he was  a year old but our financial situation was demanding it and it was a crazy hard decision for me. 

Gratitude: December 21, 2015

I love how Facebook  has the new feature to share memories from your time line from “this day” in years past.  I enjoy looking to see what I posted on this day, last year, and prior years which for me is often as far back as 5 years ago.

As I was preparing myself to write, rereading my blog post from last week, I discovered this Gratitude Blog from Dec 21, 2011.

Today, 4 years later, I will once again create a gratitude post.

I am grateful for…

My life– being alive and healthy with many natural health practitioners in my life for times when I’m not feeling my best.

EFT– Where would I be without out?  Who knows? – but I can sure see how far I have come with it!

My husband– Don, my rock, my ‘born-again reinvented self-made man, my best friend, my soul mate, my partner, the most amazing father of our three children, the one who lifts me up and keeps life going when I am stuck.  Love you, Don.

My career for the past 23 years as an Occupational Therapist– all the flexibility being an OT has allowed me to have more time with my kids and all the wonderful jobs that I have had in the field, the amazing bosses I have had, and all the experiences and  people who I have met over the years!  And.. It pays well to and has been our main source of income and at times over the years, our only source.

My family, extended family, friends near  and far-new and old- love all of you, everyone who has touched my life in any way, because you have  been a part of  my life, in any capacity, you have helped shape who I am today. Of course I could go on, yet  will save any other thoughts for another post. Deciding to focus on my immediate family for this past.  Mom, Dad, Darrin and Michele and families- love all of you!

And now, I share an excerpt from my four-year-old post:

From December 21, 2011

My three wonderful children- Despite my frustrations with them, I am grateful for their strong personalities and sense of who they are.  They have taught me far more than I could possibly teach them.  I love seeing the world through their eyes and witnessing their life and growth and being a part of their lives.  They all have strong passions,  feel deeply and have an amazing zest for life.  I can’t imagine life any other way than alongside the three of them.  They often seem so different from (who) I was as a child, yet, I do see myself in them often and also know they are their own person- each one of them.  I have learned to enjoy where they are more and more over the years. This is a good reminder to me to enjoy 14-year-old Harrison, 9-year-old Abby, and almost 3-year-old Jason.  For, too soon, they will be older,  grown up and no longer living with me.

I am grateful for my children:  Harrison, age 18.125;  Abby, age 13.875; and Jason, age 6.9583 years. 

(someone else recently shared their children’s ages this way and being the math-lover that I am, I had to figure it out for mine!)

I am grateful for finding homeschooling before my oldest  entered kindergarten and allowing him to continue to learn at home they way he had been learning since he was born.  I am grateful we began this endeavor and so his siblings were born into homeschooling.

Harrison will “graduate from high school” this coming spring.  He already has college credit for 4 classes with a 4.0 and another class CLEP credit.  He is taking 2 more classes this spring at our local community college, continuing his participation in the dual enrollment program, called “Career and College Promise” here in NC, where he takes classes without class fee and earns highschool AND college credit.  It is an awesome program and he had amazing  teachers for his first ever experience with school when he first enrolled last fall.

I brag about Harrison and his school success- yet the  true reflection of  his success is seen in the man he has become.  He is a responsible and  kind person. He is employed and already has an interesting resume.  He found a part-time job which will be flexible with school and doing something he enjoys (most of it).  The transition to adulthood  is a gradual process, or so it is  in my mind, happening in bits and pieces with much continued growth and learning along the way- into the mid 20s or beyond.

I am very grateful that he reaches out to me with  his personal life and is  open and honest with me.  This is how I raised him and am so glad to see it continue through the age of 18. We don’t see each other as much with his busy life and me working outside the home, yet  we text often, probably daily and when he is home, he  always makes a point to say hello to me. I see this as the . product of living and learning with my children since birth.

When Harrison was born, I discovered a whole new kind of LOVE!

I am grateful for Abby, my only daughter. I have always wanted a daughter from the time I was a child.  I suppose it came from my yearning to have a “younger” sister.  Her interests have changed over the years from all things pink, tailed, winged and horned to things supernatural, sci-fi and superpowers.  As a young teen, she does not like the kinds of shows and movies that I liked at her age, yet I admire her independent spirit and love of science fiction.  (I was a big Ray Bradbury fan in highschool). She can put on a tough exterior with her talk of superhero, supernatural and horror shows, yet she also has inspiration phrases posted in her room and loves drawing rainbow-colored drawings on her jeans and also her arms.  I enjoy connecting with her over the science fiction shows she introduces me to and enjoys re-watching with me.

It is amazing to see how far she has grown and progressed with her challenges over these past 4 years.  She was 9 when I wrote my post 4 years ago and a very difficult time in her life.  Things got much worse for her at age 11 and yet she persevered and- wow- when I see all she has done since then, it is truly amazing.

She has always been a strong-minded child, ready for the world.  Her older brother developed academic smarts quickly, but Abby always seamed more “street smart”.  She knew the names of all the Disney princess even though we only had basic cable and watched mostly PBS.   She was born into this world from a natural and quick birth.  My “easiest” birth and she latched on to nurse without difficulty.  I can still picture  her as a young toddler walking over the toys in the living room.  No need to go around them or move them, she just walked over them.  She always persevered despite obstacles.  

She had a personality change with her illness at the age of 8 which continued for several years.  Yet, her loving,  easy-going yet stubborn nature has been able to blossom once again.  She has spent several weekends over the past few years, working at agility trials at her aunt’s place of business/ home. And this year she spend two stretches of time with her aunt’s house alone, no mom or dad.  The last time, being 8 days. She worked for her aunt, helping to train dogs and with other business related activities and had some fun time with her aunt.  She managed her own meals with food we sent (dietary issues). She took care of herself.  If you had seen here Winter and Spring of 2013, you could  see how HUGE this is!

I admire her love for animals and passion to work with dogs.  I don’t think she ever met a dog that didn’t quickly warm up to her. She has such a loving, tender soul and is a true friend, and I even see this in her love for her brothers, her mothering nature  with her younger brother and even for her older brother.  Sure, my kids have  sibling squabbles, often, more than  their fair share- yet, they love each other and this can  be seen despite challenging times and a period of a few years when I didn’t know if it was possible for them to get along at all.

It is powerful watching her grow into a woman, and will enjoy seeing where she heads in life over the next four years.  And I look forward to reflecting back on this post when she turns 18.

When Abby came into my life, I experienced true EMPOWERMENT!

I am grateful for Jason, my long-awaited jumping bundle of joy!

I knew my family was not complete until Jason was born.  We waited a long time to grow our family, waiting until I could financially afford to be home full-time with a new baby.  I spent almost a year wondering if I would be able to have another child and worried that I would not.

I am so grateful that Jason came into my life.  My first home birth-born in our kitchen, yes, by choice! He began making noise before he was fully born and grew quickly doubling his weight sooner than expected as well as learning motor skills far more quickly then my other two.

We called him “Tigger”.  From a young age, he would start moving as soon as he woke up, even before his eyes were open. He had a bouncy seat that he loved.  I remember him learning to pull to stand at 6 months and quickly trying to climb onto the chair as he stood.  As he learned to walk, he would grab a chair, a laundry basket, whatever was available and use it as a “walker” to assist him in walking across the floor. He walked on his own before he turned 10 months old and soon after was running.  He gets a kick out of me telling him how he used to run through the library pulling random books off the shelves. 

The first classes we took him to were at a place called, “Romp and Roll”.  Yes, gymnastic type play for toddlers.  He prefered the free play time to the structured classes.  He has an independent-minded spirit which blossomed growing up in an unschooling family.   He easily  learned to ride a bike at age 5 after riding a balance bike for 2 years.  He learned to swim the same summer as bike-riding.  His growth happens in leaps and spurts.

Children are a reflection of honesty and truth.  And I believe in Jason, this experience is magnified. 

He is tough and determined as well as loving and playful. Like his older brother, he takes life and play seriously. He has never been a fan of people he does not know especially in crowds or at least not since the age of about one.  Yet, he too is growing and overcoming his anxieties and eagerly awaiting getting to participate in TaeKwonDo again.  Something he first did last spring, only participating in class after watching for 8 weeks.  He likes to watch and take in thing around him but if there is negative energy, it overwhelms him, as does other people’s energy in general, at least in a busy room or place.  Like me as a child, he is non-stop talking at home but quiet and slow to warm up around strangers.  Once he gets to know you, you may quickly become his favorite person to talk to!

Having Jason in my life has brought me more JOY!

I used to sign my name proceeded by the words: Peace, love, joy and empowerment.  As outlined above, I see how each of my children brought out the meaning of at least one of these words in a powerful way.  Meeting my husband and having him in my life has helped me find much Peace within myself.  

Today, I am grateful for Peace, Love, Empowerment, and Joy!  

 

 

 

The Gift of Life: Reflected in My Children

Happy Birthday to me!

I prepared for today’s post by reflecting  on my entry from last year: My 42 Year Journey

This year we celebrated at home the day before my birthday.  My husband and three children shared their cards with me as we enjoyed homemade gluten-free and egg-free chocolate cake with coconut milk ice-cream   And my amazing 10 year old daughter wrote this story for me.  She has been doing a lot of writing and I really enjoy hearing her stories and poems. She has also been collaborating with her PA cousin via Skype to write stories.   All of this has been her idea and her initiative– aka- unschooling at it’s best.  It is exciting to watch my children develop their interests and really take off with something that they enjoy doing.  It is also a great reminder to me that my actions do affect my children and one of the best things I can do for their “education” is to show them in my actions that I am pursuing my interests and following my passion!  

This has been very clear with my oldest child, Harrison as his personality is one of concentrated persistence.  Many of his interests have been easy to nurture with trips to the library and home made items.  His focus on achieving what he sets out to do has enabled him to find a way to build a computer and obtain software as well as purchase a digital camera.  It was really cool to get a handmade -with paper and crayons- card from him this year.   A pleasant variation on his recent 

computer generated  cards and picture compilations.  It helped me to remember that despite having an “old soul” beyond his years persona and the fact that he will soon have a driving  learner’s permit, he is still in his  childhood and his younger self is so much very alive in him in a new teenage form.  I can see similarities in my youngest and oldest. Maybe having a three year old and a fourteen year old simultaneously is the key to seeing the similarities between teens and toddlers as well as being able to appreciate that they are their own person at every age.

We think of our youngest as the busy, full of energy, and action kid, yet I keep getting reminders how much he loves to sit with art supplies.  We spent time together last night coloring with markers in a coloring book and also with blank paper and he said to me, “I’m good at drawing. I’m supposed to be an artist”.  One of those moments when you feel like you are getting a big glimpse into their soul.  He has also made a similar comment to me some time ago about sailing.  I have to wonder if these thoughtful responses are coming from a deeper place than just his physical three-year-old self.

I hope I am able to nurture all of my children’s passions.  I know I began my parenting journey with that focus and see it clearly with my oldest child who was an only child for four years.  I feel like my daughter has been given more and more opportunities to pursue her passion since we adopted our dog and now that she is  able to act more independently with pursuing her interests.  Jason’s future remains a mystery and their is something exciting about that.  Sure, I don’t know exactly what paths any of my children will take in their adult lives but I have a much clearer picture with the older two who are almost 15 and 10.  At three and a half years of age, Jason’s future has yet to unfold.  He loves food and helping to prepare food.  He is also very nurturing and I could see him in a helping profession and he has a very physically engaged side and does love fire trucks.  It is possible that having had the experience of fireman coming to the rescue of his dad while he suffered a heart attack, might influence his future career path.  He also has a very imaginative and creative side and loves taking pictures and videos, an activity likely inspired by his big brother.  And I aim to not put any expectations on who he will become but rather spend time nurturing who his is now.  Who knows how these early years of his life could shape his future.

I decided to homeschool my children because I wanted to nurture their love of learning and empower them to nurture their interests.   I have chosen to work less hours in order to be there for them and with them in the process and my husband choose to leave his former work which involved regular travel and too many hours away from home.  Making that choice has involved financial challenges (Note to Universe: I am open to abundance and  moving away from that experience! ).   I would like to believe that despite our limited resources,  my husband and I have been able to at least expose our children to different experiences and help them to further their interests.  Maybe the fact that we have limited financial means will only further their passion to pursue their interests.  There are times when I doubt this.  Yet, I am very aware that childhood is a short period of time.  I am happy to celebrate another year of my life knowing that I am giving my children something more valuable than anything money can buy, my time.   Being a mother is the greatest gift of my life.  I know I have made mistakes, more than I would like to admit, yet, I can be an example to my children in my failures as well as my successes.

I look forward to another year with a renewed focus of being not only with them but present in their lives and available for them emotionally, spiritually and mentally.

 

 

 

Are you an Energy Vacuum?

I belong to an online journaling community and have been re-reading my journal entries.  It is therapeutic and also helps me to find topics for writing.  Today, I found the following sentences in an entry from a year ago:

“I do not need to suck in his energy.”

“I think I am an energy vacuum. I tend to take on others energy.”

I have identified this trait in myself, how I can suck in others energy. If I am around uplifting, inspiring people, I often feel empowered and positive.  And if I am with people who are negative and lost in the victim-hood role of how the world has done them wrong or how their children never listen or their husband just doesn’t understand or….  well, then I may find myself feeling similar emotions and finding everything wrong in my life.

For this reason, I have always  enjoyed being around people of like mind and finding others who “vibrate at a higher level than myself”- meaning, those who are further along the spiritual path- those who have similar beliefs as myself who are where I would like to go- people who are being the kind of person that I choose to be, that I aim to be.  I found this frequently when I first attended Unity as well as when I first became a parent and also when I first began homeschooling and involved in the homeschool community.   As I evolve, the people who “raise me up” change as well.

I also enjoy being around all people, most people.   I enjoy getting together with other homeschoolers of various beliefs and methodology.  I choose to homeschool my children to provide them with more opportunities of real life than they would get in a classroom filled with people all born in the same year.  I look for more diversity for my children.  I like living in a large city.   I have always enjoyed meeting new people.

I have met an uncountable number of people in my life.   I lived in 4 different cities growing up, spanning 3 states.  I moved away again for college and then after graduating, I  up and moved once again.  In the work I have done over the past 19 years as an Occupational Therapist, I have met many people, many people, far more than I can count!

And since having children, getting involved in La Leache League, later becoming a Leader, joing and being involved in Unity, serving as Co- Youth Ed Director at Unity,  along was well as homeschooling my children and creating a homeschool website all have led me to meet many  new people.

It has taken me over 40 years to truly understand that different people play different roles in our life.  We need to see each person for the role they play in our life and not expect more from them outside of the role they play.  We also need to realistically see the roles they fill in our life, the specific things they are and have done for us and how they enhance our life.   By this, I mean more specific than sister or mother or friend.  I learned this lesson when my husband, Don,  suffered a sever heart attack and was hospitalized for 12 days.  Large numbers of people, friends came to my aid, more friends and help than I could have imagined.

I also learned I couldn’t “unload” all that I was going through with everyone.  Each person in my life filled a need and this was all so clear during this time period when Don was in the hospital.  At first, my goal was to meet my children’s needs.  I needed to be at the hospital as much as possible to help my husband and so I sought people who could go to my home and be with my children and take care of their needs.  I had family who came to stay and took care of laundry and meals.  I found friends who enjoyed my children and came to spend time with them.  And then, as time passed and I saw that I was becoming emotionally, physically and mentally  drained beyond an average state, I identified those people who I could reach out to who could help uplift me spiritually and emotionally.  Those people who I could be most honest with, people who knew me well, and who were good listeners.  People who I used to search for and identified  as  “best friends”.   Frequently in my life, I did not feel like I had any “best friends.”

I see it with a new perspective now.  All those wonderful people who helped me and my family in our time of crisis are all good friends or “best friends”.     Some of these people are acquaintances and some are those I have known a long time.  Each filled a role and helped me and did what they could do “best” for me and my family.

I look back on that time when my husband was in the hospital  in amazement.  I was so focused those 12 days.  I was being the parent I had always hoped to be.  I was being the person that I aim to be.  I was in the moment and living life, one moment at a time.   I would not re-do any of it and would not go back in time because of all the challenges that followed.  It was a crazy time and so many aspects of that time period I would not want to live over. Yet, I miss  the simplicity of life and how well I handled all of it.  I miss the simpleness of life at the time.  I was either at the hospital taking care of my husband or home taking care of my children and then somewhere in there, as I learned the hard way, I had some time to take care of myself.

Maybe I enjoyed that time because I was so hyper-focused on MY LIFE and MY PROBLEMS and felt almost no embarrassment to ask for help from others.  I put out countless emails and messages to my friends and the homeschool community asking for help including, people to meet us at the hospital and hang out with the kids, for people to come to my house, for people to take my children to activities, for a recliner chair and even help with food and shopping.

Because I was so HYPER-FOCUSED  on my life and my needs, I was very much empowered to live MY LIFE.

I say this in contrast to the person I usually am, who is busy helping others.  I did not have time to take in the energy of others, to get lost in what was going on in their lives.  Not that being involved in others lives is bad, not at all but for me, I tend to get “sucked into” others lives and their energy, including people who are negative.  I tend to be a good listener to others so often that it feeds my issue of feeling invisible and unheard.   I often let my needs to unheard, I often don’t speak my mind and say the things I need to say especially in a social gathering of several people.

And so for those 12 days in my life I had an excuse, an out, to not worry about others and take care of myself and my family and ask for all the help I needed.   I see the gift in that experience now as I write this.  I can look back on that time and make an effort to take from that experience the aspects that can serve me now.  I must remind myself of that lesson I learned- the roles that people play in our lives and not expect all people to be all things to me.  And I must remember the role I play in each of those people’s lives and live that role fully, whether it be listening to them or choosing not to listen.

It is a balance.  It is not about giving or taking, but both.  Give and take.

Yet, focusing first on ourselves and our needs, first and foremost, can only serve to help us be a better version of our self.

How can we help others if we can not first help our self?

It brings up the line I like to quote from the airlines:

“You must first put on YOUR oxygen mask before you can put on the oxygen masc of your child or the person next to you.”

We must first meet our needs and in doing so, then we can help others to meet their needs.

I still enjoy meeting new people.  I am busy with my local homeschool website that creates a community for area homeschoolers to find information, resources, support and connections.  The site has over 1200 members and is growing quickly.  Each person has been individually approved and welcomed by me or another administrator (there are only a few).  I like getting out with  my children to field trips and relaxing days at the park.  I like talking to other parents.  I like spending time with family and good conversations.  I like reaching out to friends on Facebook .   I like reconnecting with old friends, spending time with current  friends and making new friends.  I like traveling, visiting people and going on vacations and all the people we met along the way.

Yet, for me, it is essential that I take time regularly to choose to be around people who “raise me up”.  People whose energy inspires me and motivates me to be more of the person I choose to be, my best self.

Are you an energy vacuum?

I would love to hear your experiences and perspective. Do share so we  may all benefit.

Write a Post a Week

Deep in my soul, I am a writer.  I feel called to write as my passion and purpose, despite my career detour in the field of Occupational Therapy.

And so when I read on Word Press about the post a day or post a week challenge, I had to sign up.  I have had the goal (silently) since I began my blog, to post a blog a week and decided this was a better way to commit to doing this.

Yet, as much as I love to write, I have missed a week.

Why?

Life.

That is the short answer.

My other passion is my family, my three wonderful yet spirited children and my husband, my best friend and soul mate.  Lately, I have also been working much outside the home as an Occupational Therapist.  I am lucky to be able to work prn (as needed) at a nearby nursing home with great staff, a place I enjoy working.  Out of financial necessity, I have been working almost whenever they call and ask me to work which means less time at home and less time to write.

I love writing and yet when there is pressure “to write, and now” it can be hard to really tune into my thoughts and write something meaningful.

I have been taking time to myself, weekly, or as often as i can, for several years now and sometimes it takes me several hours to unwind before I can dig deep and write from my heart.  The challenges of being a homeschooling parent and caregiver to three children, one a toddler and another with mental health issues added to the fact that when I do “go to work”, I am also serving as a caregiver, can be mentally and emotionally draining.  And so when I do take time for myself and to write, I am exhausted and want to chill out with spider solitaire or find myself reading my endless email or facebook posts, lost in a sea of computer generated messages.

 

Writing calls to me.  When I do take the time to write a post, or even an entry in my private journal, it energizes and empowers  me and provides the refueling I need to keep on going.  I return to my family with more patience and love and can enjoy being with them.

Writing reconnects me with myself which in turn helps me reconnects to those I love.  And having others read m posts (as someone who has been journaling for over 30 years), has added a whole new level of empowerment.

Thank you to all who read my posts.  It is added motivation to keep on track and post weekly!

Reflections on a simple but miraculous evening with my family

I wrote the first draft of this blog, two weeks ago.  I had forgotten about writing this and even the experience we had just two weeks ago.   Life has been so moment to moment for me lately.   I  have had a particularly  challenging week and so my own blog has helped me to gain insight and perspective.  Here is the post:

I had a success moment last night, so I thought I would share it.

Many months ago (I can’t even remember when I did this,might be over a year ago), I sat down with my older two children individually and asked them what their goals were (in words they understood, one is now 13 and the other 8).  and wrote down what they wanted to work on and made a plan as well as looking at the week.
It was the best connection I had with my 8-year-old (or she might have been 7 at the time, to date with our “home/unschool journey”.  She had many ideas and talked about what she wanted to do.  I wrote it down and we even got books on animals at the library like she wanted and started a notebook for her like she asked for.  I think we met again one more time but then life got in the way…
Her issues snowballed into full-blown ocd last spring and my youngest became more active as he got closer to two years….
Then I  hurt my back New Year’s eve and pain sure brings perspective.
I was “out of it” for 2 weeks, at home but taking 600 mg of ibuprofen every day (and I almost never take pain medication) and laying down most of the time because standing and sitting were too painful.  I had a lot of thinking time.    Once I felt better,  I really wanted to sit down with each child and look at our week.  For the past 4 months or so, I’ve been working nearly every weekend, usually Sat and Sun and so when I get home, I am tired and we eat and then its time to start bedtime routine.
So I seized the opportunity before I went back to work and sat down with each child again on a Sunday.  My husband and I talked some first, looking at our calendars, something we used to do often but have not been doing for way too long despite both of us bringing it up saying we wanted to.  And then I went in the basement with my 13-year-old.
He opened up and shared his frustrations.  Something he has not had much of a chance to do but has needed to with  how the past year has been with me watching a toddler and caring for my  8-year-old daughter who has OCD.  And I wrote some of what we talked about as far as a plan of our days and what he wanted to work on.    And after about a half hour, my toddler needed mommy and he came down with us but we were able to continue talking for a bit longer.
And then I had time with my daughter while she played solitaire.  I think she needed that to help her concentrate and keep the OCD thoughts at bay.  And it was good.
Now this is after me bringing up this idea  just before dinner and her getting mad and resisting all my ideas, saying she wanted to play cards.  Despite my efforts to point out how this has been helpful to both her and us in the past, she resisted  and kept interrupting me.  I got mad, but appropriately expressed it!  (big for me) I let her know how I felt and why I was upset and how important I felt this was for all of us.
So after we talked, she was doing the best she has in a while!!!!!!!!
So despite her initial resistance, I needed to stay strong but kind and calm and keep on and in the long run(as in that same day), it helped her!  And i saw it that evening….she was talking on and on as we got ready for bed and playing with her younger brother.   a sure  sign of how well she was doing, with the OCD, she gets stuck and is in this angry, stuck place where she resists getting ready for bed and needs to wash her hands but doesn’t want to, but has too….and on and on and on…
So this was huge, to see her talking and talking like she used to and happy!
And I looked at my husband and despite his desire for quiet time in the evening, I said just enough, to keep him from stopping her from her enthusiasm and loud playfulness.   She also showed  her little brother how to brush his teeth.  Another good sign, because usually she freaks out if he comes in the bathroom with her when she is brushing her teeth.
We now really know, we can not “hush” her when we want quiet, because it can hush her spirit, and that is not good.    As I type this and think about this, it was just last night, it feels like a miracle with all we have been through.  Sure she still can’t sit down and her list of things she can not touch grows and grows, but, she had fun with her brother in the evening and jabbered on in her old self, happy-go-lucky full of imagination, Abby self that we have missed so much over the past year with her tormented soul going through OCD.

New Year’s Reflection: What is most important to me with homeschooling my children?

I have a homeschool website for Charlotte, NC  area homeschoolers. http://charlottehomeschooling.ning.com/

I have been  posting  a Question of the Week to drum up discussion in the Forums.   I recently posted this question.

What is most important to you (or foremost in your mind) with homeschooling your children?

My response:

When I began homeschooling, or decided that was the path I was taking (in 2002 when my oldest was just turning 5), my goals was to continue to foster my son’s love of learning.  I saw how much he enjoyed exploring the world and loved learning new things and I wanted to continue to foster that love of learning.  I recalled my own experience after I graduated college that the last thing I wanted to do was read anything!  It took me some time before I enjoyed reading again.  I wanted him to continue enjoying learning, like all young children do throughout his life.

I also wanted to teach my child how to find information.  In school I hated memorizing.  I felt that if he knew how to find the information he wanted, then he could learn anything.

I took him to the library often and taught him early how to find books in the library, gave him a general understanding of the Dewey Decimal System, and continued reading to him and following his interests.

I also wanted to be with my children.  I returned to work full-time when my oldest was just 3 months old and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do at that point.  My husband was growing his business and my income was our sole income.  As he grew his business, I yearned for the day when I could work less and eventually be home full-time.

I now with three children, age 13, 8 and 2, see how quickly they grow and how short the time is that they are in my care.  I enjoy being with them.  (Sure, I need time to myself and have days where I am ready to send them all off to school if only for a week.)  I enjoy learning and growing along with them.  This is in part why I describe my method of homeschooling as learning through living.

My oldest is 13 now and he still loves learning new things.  He pursues his interests and understand their are other things he needs to learn to help him achieve his goals (he wants to study computer science in college).  He helps me locate nonfiction books in the children’s section for my younger two kids (because he knows how to find some categories of books better than I do).

I too need to stop and remind myself of my intention with homeschooling and even my beliefs about education to refocus myself.  No matter what your education and homeschooling beliefs are, you can lose site of your intentions as you get wrapped up in the homeschooling world and connect with others who have different focus.

For me, I tend to doubt myself when I am around others who approach things different.  I have many homeschool friends who have a variety of different beliefs about homeschooling and education and I am grateful for all of them.  Don’t get me wrong, I do love the variety. Yet, I personally, need to remember to stop, go within, refocus and tune in to my intentions and remember why I began homeschooling in the first place.  I also need to  connect with others of like mind.For me, attending my favorite homeschool conference; getting together with others of similar beliefs, both on line and in person;  and writing and reflecting on my beliefs helps me to stay connected to my true intentions.

Snow meltdown

My children have always loved playing in the snow.  I enjoy it too.  My husband, not so much.  So usually when it snows, I suit up with them and go have fun in the snow.  I have even gone to play in the snow with my 4 year old when I was 8 months pregnant with my second child.  It does not snow often in North Carolina and some winters we have no snow.  I grew up living in Ohio and Pennsylvania with many snow falls and have fond memories of one and two feet of snow.  We get real excited about six inches of snow here in North Carolina.

Unfortunately, I hurt my back New Year’s Eve and it has been slow healing.  Stress number one:  my husband has to go out which he does not like, I have to watch him put the wrong pants on our two year old and insist that he not put the size 12 shoes on his size 6 foot, because it makes it really hard for him to move.  (We put these boots on when it snowed the December 26 but the kids was miserable.  I then realized how big the shoes were, a few sizes too big is one thing, but twice his size!…I told my husband that would be like if he wore size 22 shoes.  He got quiet.)

Stress number two, my oldest child, who is 13 likes to get up, go play in the snow and then come in and do something else with his day.  Most days, he sleeps until 10am or later at times.  But today he woke up at 8:30.  His brain is somehow programmed to get up and do things like it tells him “Its snowing, so we need to go play in the snow now, before it turns to ice (another issue here in NC that I never had as a kid).  And then I will come inside and get warm and can go on the computer.”

So you say, “What is wrong with that?  The kid likes to get to things and get them done and move on to the next thing.  Why is that stressful?”

You have no idea…stress three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine….I can’t count high enough to equate the stress level that my daughter has.  She has OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. If things do not fit the picture in her head, she has a meltdown, often rage, with yelling and violent behavior.  She may be 8 years old and petite but she is strong.  Certain things have to be a certain way and things get contaminated and then she has to perform rituals because of the contamination.  It’s a crazy cycle that has no rhyme nor reason.  It makes no sense and follows no consistent pattern that can be understood logically or by rational minds.

And so, her older brother going out in the snow to make a snow man, or a snow caterpillar like he has made, sends her into ballistic fits of rage and panic.  Life wasn’t always this way.  She used to enjoy going in the snow. Sure she might get in an argument with her brother over something in the snow, but nothing out of the ordinary.  We did not have these issues last year in the snow.   Life is different now, and has been since early last spring (2010). (See prior post)

This is our second snow of the season.  I saw this happen December 26 so I thought I could prevent the total meltdown this time.  I talked to my oldest about sleeping in and not rushing to go outside.  He woke up early, but waited until about 10am to begin pressing the issue.  My daughter quickly became stressed this morning even before any talk of going outside.  I think maybe her stress level rises, because she does not like going through these things, she wants to enjoy playing in the snow, but can’t get past the “OCD talk” in her head.  This is pure theory on my part.  The other issue she has and I believe is common to OCD, is that she won’t talk about what she is going through.  She just gets angry and starts demanding things.  On December 26, she was standing outside in about 6 inches of snow, in our large front yard, we have about a half-acre yard plus extra due to large county easement property.  She stood in the yard in all of the snow yelling, “He’s going to use up all the snow!”

You can’t reason with OCD, you can’t try to convince her this is not possible.  It took me a while to figure out that she did not like how the yard looks after you roll a snowball and see the grass.  She could not tell us she did not like that.  Only after I guess at these things and inquire, only then will she say, and not always, that she doesn’t like the snow all messed up.  But she tends to use exaggerated words, like all gone.  And then she demands that he not go outside before her.

So we were talking about going outside at 10 am.  I tried to give her the opportunity to go outside first before her brother.  But she wanted him to not build a snow caterpillar or a snowman or make any large snow balls.  And she was only getting madder about it.  We tried to really listen to what she was not saying and not judge and hear her out.  It’s not easy.  My hip and back pain seems to be exaggerated by stress and the nerve pain increases when I tense up.  Staying calm was not easy this morning.

Somehow, she totally melted down.  Worse than last snow fall.  My oldest, was getting to impatient to go outside and despite first asking him to wait 10 more minutes, I decided to let him go out because who knows how long it will take her to calm down enough to get ready to go out.

We haven’t seen the rage like she went through this morning in a while.  It is not easy to stay calm and patient when your child is ragging.  And managing the dog and the toddler and the persistent 13-year-old who just wants to go play in the snow.

Did I say that it is still snowing and is expected to snow all day?  Somehow we got through it today.  We got through the rage, the yelling, the demanding we stop her brother, her kicking the doors and mumbling about killing us all, and then the crying meltdown and panic attack with fast breathing, and then the calling our “help me” as she proceeded to wash her hands for about 10 minutes and then get clothes on.

They are outside playing now.  I even heard happy noises coming from outside.  I used to like to sit and watch them if I could not join them outside.  Not today, I needed to retreat to my room and write as my form of therapy.  I write because I need to, it is my outlet, and my passion and it is healing.  I also need to retreat to recharge.

Homeschooling my children and being with them 24/7 and I even have worked part-time out of the home, I need to have time away by myself to recharge my batteries, to gain perspective and clear my head.  Writing my blog on my bed, under the covers,  served that purpose today.

Now, my husband and toddler have come back inside and I can enjoy hearing my youngest talk about snow angels.  I feel calmer inside.  My daughter’s OCD issues still make no sense to me and are frustrating.  But I can separate myself enough to know it is her path and my role is to be supportive and loving and seek assistance for her.  I can’t change her, as much as I would like to just “get my daughter back” or go back in time and do things different with the hopes of preventing the full-blown OCD or maybe addressing it sooner.  If only….

Maybe this will be the last snowfall we get this winter.  Most likely, we will have more, and somehow I will find the strength to make the wisest decisions and plan ahead as much as possible and be ok no matter what happens.  It really boils down to that, I have to be ok no matter what happens because I can not control what will happen.  My mantra is:

I can remain calm, no matter what is going on with my children.

I will just keep repeating that today.

I can remain calm, no matter what is going on with my children.

Homeschooling life with my second child: experiencing OCD, the begining

I believe that all children have special needs and all children learn in their own methods and need to be treated like individuals.  I too, understand, having a background in Occupational Therapy, that some children have extra special needs that can make learning and living more challenging.  I have come  to really appreciate this more from an insider’s perspective over the past year.

When I began homeschooling my first child, I did so in part because of his personality.  He learned to read early and enjoyed everything academic.  He would become interested in something and would focus on his interest to an extreme for a long period of time.  He attended a morning out preschool from the time he was one until he was four.  I saw how he was not learning anything “academic” in his “preschool” but he was there for part-time day care and not for preschool.  Having a “late birthday”, November, made him older than his preschool peers and combined with his early reading and writing abilities, exaggerated the fact that he was not learning anything in preschool and that kindergarten would not be a good fit for him.  Homeschooling him was and continues to be “easy”.

Before you stop reading or shout things at me through the computer, let me tell you about my second child.  My daughter, born 4 years after my son, came into the world where her older brother was reading and writing.  He liked to tell her how to do things and do things for he.  She is an independent child, always has been and resisted her older brother’s attempts to show her anything.  She wanted to do it for herself!

I did not realize how unusual my oldest child’s attention span was or how calm he was, until my daughter was born.  My son walked at 16 months and was often content sitting doing one activity for a long period of time.  My daughter had more of a “typical attention span” and walked at a year and got into things my son never even attempted to do, like pulling off the child safety latch with ease or climbing on chairs.  She was busy and outgoing and liked being with people.  We soon saw her extroverted nature which can be a challenge to my son and I who are introverts (although we fall closer to the mid-line of introvert extrovert, her energy overwhelms us.)

Life became more challenging when she wanted to participate in activities but could not because she was not yet “5” as if there is something magical about that age. We started her in dance when she was 4, something she wanted to do since she began to talk, which she did at an early age.  And once she was 5, she could begin participating in more homeschool activities like PE class and other things like her brother does.

By this time, we were embracing a more and more unschooling lifestyle and way of approaching learning.  She was slower learning to read than her brother, but I trusted in the process despite her frustration and in time she began reading.  And amazingly (or not so) by about age 7 was reading at the same level her older brother was at that age.  But other things came slower, like writing, which is still slow.  She can make letters and enjoys the act of writing but writing words is a challenge.  I have struggled with how best to approach other things with her in our homeschooling life  Although I embrace unschooling as my approach to learning, I have always been open to doing what works for my children.  I believe that my son’s style of learning more closely resembles my own and so his journey of learning has appeared easier to me and I have been comfortable with our path.

I have attempted a variety of things with my daughter but likely did not give things enough time, as she seems to always resist anything I put forth.  Over the years, I believe I have become hesitant to even try things with her because she has such strong resistance to my ideas and efforts.  I have seen hypersensitivity issues with her but have always figured she is a more “typical child”.

It’s crazy how I can have a degree in Occupational Therapy which includes an education with pediatric development and disorders and yet miss signs in my own children.  My oldest had very delayed gross motor skills but it took me some time to really see it.  And my daughter has had many issues that I still do not see clearly.

A few years ago, she began over washing her hands and we thought it was my talk with her about germs.  Then we discovered that reading the book “The Velveteen Rabbit” had instilled her fear of germs and we thought letting her know that was written years ago when things were not clearly understood (they threw out all his toys because the boy was ill) and talking about this would eliminate her over hand washing. It lessened at some point but continued. About a year or so ago, when she was 7, we began to see irrational fears, like her food being poisoned, to the point of her not being able to eat and crying. I attributed some of it to learning to swim and doing new things in swim lessons.

But looking back there was more.  She really had a difficult time getting out of the house to go anywhere including dance class which she loved.  She craved being at home more which seamed odd for the girl who used to ask “Where are we going today?” and craved being with other children.  There were other fears too and difficulty sleeping at night.

Add to that a new baby brother born a month prior to her 7th birthday (January 2009) and an over sensory experience being a part of his birth, and us missing the signs or not really seeing all that was going on with her, and by early 2010 things exploded.  Around March of 2010, her bedtime difficulty turned in to refusing to sleep at night and crazy unreasonable demands to have the wood floors fully cleaned our replaced before she would sleep.  Somehow it all blew up into a germ obsession centered around her room and soon she began showering daily and then could only go in her room if she had just showered and there was a ritual with towel placement from outside the shower to her room.

On top of all this, an already discerning eater, she began refusing to eat most things .At  first we allowed her to pick what she would eat, taking her to the store where she picked all white flour, dairy and sweet items.  This never felt right with me as I have always been a “health nut” when it comes to eating and feed my family whole grains and limited diary for her as a young child when I saw signs of intolerance to dairy (something I personally experience as well).  We have improved our eating over the years to less refined foods, less processed and minimal artificial ingredients in food.  Looking back, with the birth of our third child, we were eating more processed foods, more eating out, and more sugar.

To add to the craziness, I took her to two alternative health practitioners that I had been going to and trusted and both suggested eliminating sugar and diary.  Her obsessive, compulsive nature took this to hear and she agreed to going off all sugar, fruit included.  And so without much knowledge (and looking back on this, not a very bright idea) we both went cold turkey off sugar!  Only later did I realize and read about sugar withdrawal which only compounded her behavior issues that were already over the top and out of control.

Those early months were a crazy time.  I read and researched enough to see that she likely was experiencing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I also knew a grown woman with OCD as well as the mother of a teen age daughter with OCD to feel confident that this is what we were dealing with.  And yet, I actively avoided labeling her.  I saw no benefit in giving her that label, even though my husband and I used it among ourselves and with others but not with her around.  The experience was surreal.  Difficult to describe and yet a true lesson in living in the moment.  We learned what to do and what not to do the hard way, after holding her down, to prevent her from hurting herself and others and to prevent her from stopping my husband from leaving for work or my son from going to an activity.  We bounced around from engaged, reflective parents to angry, resentful controlling parents who just wanted our life back, and our child back!  The entire experience disrupted life for our entire family.  My oldest, now 12 was resentful of her behavior and how attention seeking she seamed and h ow much time it took of us, and therefore time away from him. And the baby was just a year and began imitating her angry outbursts, fits of rage, and physical behavior.  He became frightened with her and surely could not understand why his favorite playmate would not play with him now.

And then she began getting acupressure treatments and taking herbs from our Chinese Medicine healthcare professional specialist. And we saw improvements, especially in her behavior as well as her obsessions and compulsions.  Life became almost normal again and I had time to do other things.  I think that part of me wanted to believe that everything was ok and so I did not spend as much time as I could have continuing to seek help for her.  I wanted to on some level but on another, I was so drained from months of exhausting nights and challenging behaviors that brought me to wonder if our only hope was to call 911 or take her to the emergency room.  And so as things improved, I just wanted to live life and have some time to myself.  I became engrossed in a writing project and also was involved with a mother’s empowerment group.  These things were great for me and for my entire family, including my daughter.  I was feeling better and as always, my mental health was reflected back to me in my family.

As I look back on it, I see how it was difficult for me to step outside of it. I wanted to seek more help for her, but first needed help for myself.  I too have issues with depression and anxiety, never officially diagnosed for myself but it runs in my family.

To summarize, things got worse again and gave us the wake up call we needed to seek others sources of help.  On a positive note, my husband and I share parenting beliefs as well as spiritual beliefs which have helped us navigate this journey together.  We have made mistakes together along the way and in doing so have learned what not to do.  Our improved behavior and calmer attitude with our daughter, brought improved behavior with her. Sure, we still make mistakes and at times have a difficult time remaining calm when she is out of control with anger and irrational demands but we both see how important it is to remain calm and how our anger only fuels hers and adds to the problem.

We are still knee-deep in this journey but have found renewed hope with homeopathy.  We have also found comfort talking with another parent with a daughter with OCD who had tried most of the psychotherapy approaches for OCD wanting to avoid medications and then found homeopathy and have seen amazing improvements with it over the past year with their daughter.

I have learned that Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is NOT a child who wants things a certain way and is overly neat or organized.    This does not describe my daughter at all.  I have learned that having a child with “special needs” is not something anyone else can really understand.  I have felt the need to record and share my journey, knowing that others too are going through similar challenges with their children and how alone they must feel.  I have learned that people often pull away when you need them most especially when they can not imagine what you are experiencing or when it makes no sense to them.

I saw OCD described as a “silent disorder” which is a good way to label it.  To other people, it is not obvious or even apparent all that my daughter and our family has been experiencing.  They might see her dry, cracked hands and think she has exema.  They do not see what is going on within her, even as her parents, we can not see what has been going on inside of her.  She has always been a very verbal child but this has not been something she can verbalize too us.  What comes out is anger and demands.  It has taken much patience on our part, hearing about what others have gone through with OCD, and listening to her to even have a glimpse of what she is experiencing.  I think her inability to express what she is going through is in part due to her age, and in part due to the nature of OCD and the fact that it does not make any sense.

I have seen the value of activity to improve one’s life both as a homeschooling mom and through my education as an Occupational therapist where I learned, “Man through the use of his hands, can influence the state of his own health.”

I jumped on this knowledge over the summer with my daughter’s interest in learning to knit.  I invited my friend who knows how to knit and crochet to our house and one of Abby’s friends who wanted to learn this as well.  Abby learned to knit and crochet and I relearned to crochet and after a 30 year break, learned the next step of crochet, making more than a single chain.  A new hobby and one we could share has been helpful on our journey.  And yet, it is not enough to engage her.

She told me recently after having a family ornament making night, that doing a craft ” takes her mind off cleaning”.  This was huge!  The first time she acknowledged the irrational nature of her cleaning obsessions and saw a way to deal with it.

It also reinforced for me the idea that I need to create more experience like our knitting, crocheting gatherings.  I need to approach our life and her “homeschool experience” in this manner.  I need to invite people over our house for activities more to meet her needs to both be at home and to be with friends.  I think having a bit more structure is helpful to her as well, like getting together for knitting or for crafts or some other purpose would be helpful to her.  I am still figuring all of this out.

And when I look back, I see I am still struggling with the same issue I have her entire life, how to homeschool  my second child, how best to meet her needs, something that seamed to come so easy with my first child.    It has been magnified now and maybe brought more to light with her experience with OCD.  Yes, life is much more complicated now.  As her mother, I would  give anything to take this burden away from her if I could.  It hurts to see her childhood  innocence “shattered” with this experience.  Yet, on a deeper level, I know that this too is God and part of her journey.  My role is to stay calm and present despite her behavior and that has been a challenge.

As I have grown on my spiritual journey over the years, I have grown to believe in having no regrets.  This experience has been a real test to that belief  and there is so much I wish I could “redo”.  Yet, I must embrace what is, the life we have and my daughter as she is.

Pam Sorooshian: Principles of Unschooling

I was searching for homeschool and unschool blogs and found this.

I loved it so much I decided to repost it.  So much of what is in this post are thoughts I have had, but I give full credit to the author.

An Unschooling Life: Pam Sorooshian

Principles of Unschooling:

Learning happens all the time. The brain never stops working and it is not possible to divide time up into “learning periods” versus “non-learning periods.” Everything that goes on around a person, everything they hear, see, touch, smell, and taste, results in learning of some kind.

Learning does not require coercion. In fact, learning cannot really be forced against someone’s will. Coercion feels bad and creates resistance.

Learning feels good. It is satisfying and intrinsically rewarding. Irrelevant rewards can have unintended side effects that do not support learning.

Learning stops when a person is confused. All learning must build on what is already known.

Learning becomes difficult when a person is convinced that learning is difficult. Unfortunately, most teaching methods assume learning is difficult and that lesson is the one that is really “taught” to the students.

Learning must be meaningful. When a person doesn’t see the point, when they don’t know how the information relates or is useful in “the real world,” then the learning is superficial and temporary – not “real” learning.

Learning is often incidental. This means that we learn while engaged in activities that we enjoy for their own sakes and the learning happens as a sort of “side benefit.”

Learning is often a social activity, not something that happens in isolation from others. We learn from other people who have the skills and knowledge we’re interested in and who let us learn from them in a variety of ways.

We don’t have to be tested to find out what we’ve learned. The learning will be demonstrated as we use new skills and talk knowledgeably about a topic,

Feelings and intellect are not in opposition and not even separate things. All learning involves the emotions, as well as the intellect.

Learning requires a sense of safety. Fear blocks learning. Shame and embarrassment, stress and anxiety – these block learning.

Pam runs a yahoo group called No More Spanking that I recommend if you’re looking for new ways to parent. Not only limited to spanking, here is the groups description:

The point of view of this list is that punishment may control a specific behavior but that it interferes with the long-term goal of promoting self-control and that alternative nonpunitive ways of relating to children are preferred. Punishment includes hitting, spanking, swatting, shaming, ridiculing, threatening, using harsh or cruel words, penalizing, holding back rewards, or other methods that assert adult power or vent adult frustration. We are seeking alternative approaches that provide guidance to our children that will encourage self-control, thinking before acting, learning to take responsibility for their own behavior, and especially that will promote a lifelong warm, close, and open relationship between parent and child.

anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com