Tonight, I sat to write because I knew the grief was getting to me, the persistent cough and illness that would not go away. And after I wrote several posts that no one may never read, or not right now, as I let it all out, frustrations and aggravations I have been feeling for 6 months. I spared no ones feelings, well, this is still me writing, but I really let it out.
And then I moved on to researching something which I decided to share on Facebook as a note and then I read this post, the last note I apparently wrote but it jumped out at me on my screen: my own words needing to be read by me. Here it is unedited, just as it was written in the moment, on my 17th anniversary while my husband was in the hospital recovering from a massive nearly fatal heart attack (much more fitting than “event”).
Working Through Anxiety and Panic
Working through the anxiety and panic:
One step at a time.
From the first moment, I was in a place of calm, with my mantra:
The past is behind you, keep moving forward.
Recently I have gotten ahead of myself, projecting into the future,
playing the “What If?” game.
I learned fear serves a purpose, it teaches us to come back to now, to the present moment and use the fear to tune into our feelings to make decisions.
I began floating on cloud nine, tuning into my feelings for everything.
I saw signs everywhere and felt so connected.
I knew Don was with me always on this earth or not and felt him talk to me as I walked the halls of Presbyterian Hospital while he rested in his room.
I got a bit lost in all of it, and lost my grounding and my focus on the other component of tuning into now: being in your body.
Being in this world but not of it.
I needed grounding.
And so from my adrenaline high, I came “crashing down”
into my body.
Anxiety and panic brought me back to my body and to pay attention.
Yet, anxiety and panic fed into the “Waht if game” along with people telling me, it is normal to have panic attacks after a crisis and hearing “you may have them for a long time, even 3 weeks”.
It is all good. I needed to hear all of it.
It brought me to take care of my body more. To stop and refocus.
And then as I took care of my body more, with nourishing foods, going to acupuncturist, drinking more water, paying attention to possible blood sugar issues, and taking some herbs when necessary to help with the anxiety.
And of course the trusting that this is a process, and there will be stages but I can’t pretend to know what it looks like, even if I have “signs” coming to me.
I can say, “Isn’t that interesting.” hold onto the vibration of the positive and stay here and now and not focused on the future.
Much harder to do than it sounds.
Tuning in to my other needs, my spiritual connection needs was as important as taking care of my body. I talked to the people who I most connect to spiritually.
It all brought me back to focus and to more energy work.
And the EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) brought me back to myself again last night. After having two nights with panic attacks with me way outside my comfort zone, I was anxious about the night and sleeping.
It all tuned me in to what work I needed to do with EFT, to release my fears and let go of doubt, guilt and limitation. I began to incorporate what I had learned with the anxiety and panic attacks. I had difficulty going to sleep, and so I connected on facebook by posting my truth and checking email and messages to be in the here and now and receive the love and prayers that others were sending me.
When I woke up after short sleep, and noticed I felt dry and thirsty and a bit of low blood sugar signs, I got myself something to eat and drink.
And felt calmer and then wrote more which further connected me.
Back to sleep, still having fears about sleep which I needed to work through and release all the pent up feelings I had been having.
I did EFT while laying in the bed, releasing my emotions with tears, while my three angels slept around me in my room.
It took a bit, but I was able to work through it enough to sleep again.
When I woke, and felt anxious, I allowed the fear to lead me, did research and sought some answers which all brought peace.
I woke up with a new greater understanding.
You see, yesterday morning, when I woke up, I was ready to see the reality of cardiac arrest.