Christmas Morning in Knightdale

I woke in a new place this Christmas morning. It has been a long time since I was away from home on Christmas morning.

The sound of running water caught my attention, why is there water running?

The fish tank

All was quiet and everyone was asleep

Until I pulled my computer out to right

Now there are footsteps and voices

And it brings a smile to my face

I am in my daughter’s new home and my husband and youngest are here.

Soon the other two will arrive

And we will have our Christmas morning

Slowly unwrapping each gift

As we have done every year

We are a one gift at a time kind of family

And my kids have started a duct tape war

Wrapping a gift with excessive amounts of duct tape

Excessive!

It can take an hour to open one gift

We declared a truce on the war this year

We don’t the luxury of all day to open gifts

Yet, we are fortunate we can be together

For several hours

In my daughter’s big house that she rents with a friend

My youngest child who usually sleeps until 10 or 11 is awake with me now

It is 8am and I have been awake for an hour

She is anxious for everyone to get here and wishing she was still asleep

I am enjoying her sitting with me as I write

I have been so busy the past 2 weeks

Making Christmas gifts

Working at the nursing home (s)

Growing our Focused Healthy Family business

Recording Podcasts

Baking and food prepping

“Place your bets” she says

As she calculates how much time it will take her brother to arrive

And for his fiancé to arrive

They are in two different places this morning

She went to her parents last night

He was at work

Somehow my grown kids have work schedules like their mom

Working weekends and in a world where holiday time off does not exist

Yet, all is good

We made it work

To be together

And tomorrow

Abby and I will head home

Together

To have time with extended family

The Menzo Gang

At my parents house

No longer on the lake, like years ago

When we gathered for a week

Room enough for all to stay together

Pitter-patter of little feet

Making movies and taking boat rides

We all miss the house on Lake Murray

Glad that my parents live closer to me now

And they are with us at 79 and 80 years

My mind wanders and then I bring it back

To now

Today

In this big wonderful house in Knightdale

Soon we will all be together

The Grothoff 6

Merry Christmas

Three Little Birds: beautiful, creative, noisy children

Last night the five of us were together for game night. Abby joined us via Facetime yet it felt almost as good as her being here in person. Looking at these sweet faces and thinking over the past 13 years since this picture was taken, I realize that this is still how I see them in my heart.

I have two children in their twenties and a teenager. Did I see this 30 years ago when I decided to move to Charlotte? Becoming a mom was always on my mind. I envisioned having at least 4 children. Instead I have 3 birthed children and now have a wonderful almost daughter-in-law, who balances out our act. I have shared my home with two dogs and a total of 5 cats, as well as the three cats who adopted our property as their home base.

My life feels full, overflowing with love. My son has taken our boxes of more than 30 years of pictures and has been scanning them into digital format for us. I helped him sort some of them by date and shared many memories and laughs with him; sweet tender moments, silliness and a few pictures from my teenage years. There were more than 5000 pictures in those boxes that had been sitting on the top shelf of a closet. Now we will be able to organize and categorize them in a google drive easily accessible to all.

Today I stood outside at 6:00 am before the sunrise. I listened to the sounds of nature and looked at the quarter moon in the star speckled sky. I recalled camping trips with my kids and our friends from many years ago. One year, Don joined us for a family camping trip and what I remember most is how it poured rain one afternoon and the 4 of us huddled in the center of our leaking tent listening to the sound of the rain. My youngest never had the experience of camping.

I have options. I can choose to focus on lack and the experiences she didn’t have. I can choose to see missed opportunities and things I wish I had done differently or I can choose love and abundance. I can recall the memories for the experiences they were and see the gifts in my life as well as for all of my children. They have their own individual paths on this journey we call life as do all of us.

The biggest challenge for me is wishing more connection for my youngest. Her siblings spent more time together in our early homeschooling journey being only four years apart. When I look at this picture it reminds me of those precious years when the five of us were all together under one roof. Trips to the park with the four of us when my minivan was full of spare clothes, random books and papers and three beautiful, creative, noisy children. I see the love they have for each other and especially their baby sister. My last birthed baby who was the missing puzzle piece for our family.

This connection that I have created with my children fills me with pride. My husband and I have birthed a family environment of support and connection. Despite the challenges we have been through and those that lie ahead, we know we can count on each other. My son shows up when my daughter moved into her apartment and she felt strongly about being there for him and his move. My youngest looks forward to game night with the six of us and I believe we all share that love of time together.

I see this picture and I know their connection can continue to grow with time as my youngest moves through her. teenage years. This reminds me of when our outside cat, Nox, gave birth to three kittens. As we found homes for them, my then ,20 year old son wanted them to all go to a home together. He didn’t want to see them split up from their siblings. My greatest wish for my children is no matter where life takes them, that the three of them can stay connected and always be there for each other.

Thanksmas of Thankfulness: Yay Journal of Gratitude

I first began my gratitude journal, which I called my “Yea Gina Journal”, in order to solidify positive things that had happened in my day. I started this journey because I found myself ruminating at the end of the day over all the things that had gone wrong and that I wish I had done differently.

Now I often write in my journal at the start of my day in order to proclaim affirmations and the direction I would like for my day to go.

I am so grateful for calm, smooth, easy and efficient work day. I am calm, confident, comfortable, connected, courageous and centered.

I aim to write daily and find that when I do, I have more confidence in myself and can see a positive outlook on life even when things don’t go well. I started making a habit of writing in it before heading to work as an Occupational therapist working in geriatric rehab. I found it gave me more confidence and optimism in my day.

There are times when I have left the book unopened for days, weeks or at times even longer. When I look back on periods of depression, I often see that my gaps in writing correspond with the lowest times in my life. And each time I think; If only I had continued to write during those times maybe they would not have felt so dark.

Today, Thursday, November 25, 2021 I am grateful for Thanksmas, the holiday my family celebrates where we combine Christmas gift giving, white elephant exchange, Thanksgiving and several holiday season birthdays. Big birthdays this year, nephew turns 21, my youngest enters the teen years and my father will be 80.

I am grateful for:

Inner calm, confidence and clarity

Mask free family gathering

Celebrating my sister’s birthday with my homemade chocolate pudding…slide pie enjoyed with fresh whipped cream

My nephew volunteering to wash dishes

Witnessing a 12 year old’s excitement over creating tea blends to give as gifts

Yarn and crochet needles and my growing skill

Watching Buzzfeed Unsolved with my 19 year old

Many rounds of Hand and Foot

My dad telling stories from his younger days

Lasagna for all for our Wednesday lunch gathering

The ability to have family visit in my home

Purring cats

Sweet kisses from Cherry, the border collie

Olive’s 14 years of life, 11 years in our home

Shiloh and his beagle-ness

Nintendo Switch

Listening to the cousins laugh and play video games

My family all gathered in my kitchen

2019 when my brother-in-law attended Thanksmas

Text exchange with my “former” sister-in-law

Purple crochet bag courtesy of my middle child

Snuggle time with my kids

The six of us together Wednesday morning

Pumpkin muffins

Baking in my kitchen

Cold, crisp November weather

Carolina blue sky

Touring my sister’s new RV, parked in front of our house

Don-ism: tomorrow is lunch and Wednesday is Thanksgiving

Universe

Jack box games with much laugher and joy

Loose leaf chai given to me by Kai

November days at Myrtle Beach

Our family of 6 plus 8 pets

Surrounded by the love of cats… and the dogs

Pumpkin spice meringue cookies

Chai sugar coated chocolate ginger bread cookies

Yum!

The Great British Baking Show

Netflix, Hulu, Prime Video, Apple Plus and Youtube

Smart phones, tablets, MacBooks, and smart TVs

Anticipation of gift giving

Elefante Bianco: Menzo style white elephant game

Abraham Hicks

Wingspan game which my brother thoroughly enjoyed!

Abby’s ability to pick out really great gifts for people

Generosity

Michele’s themed gifts

This amazing warm fuzzy scarf that keeps me toasty

Waking up before everyone and writing

Sunrise Over Myrtle

Somehow we are here at the beach, all six of us for 3 days.

I am watching the sunrise through my balcony window. A thin haze of clouds across the horizon obscure the sun. I am inside because it is 45 degrees outside on this chilly November morning in South Carolina.

We were last here as a family in October of 2019 for my 50th birthday. Last year we celebrated in the mountains along with a million other people who were vacationing during fall break week.

I came to the beach alone back in March for a writing, self-reflection retreat.

The sun escapes the clouds and blinds me. Spots obscure the view of my screen yet I am so happy and at peace, sitting here in the quiet while everyone sleeps. I am eager to take another walk on the beach. Last night I walked while my husband and son went shopping.

I feel an inner sense of calm.

There have been many things demanding my attention. Animals to care for, children with illness, work, clothes to clean, dishes to wash…. the list could continue with other mundane tasks yet when I look at those first three items, they looks so small.

Pets, children and work

Although it does take time to care for our pets, they do bring me joy.

Snuggling with a cat or petting a cat when they choose to sit with me

Walking the dogs with Abby, time with both dogs and my child.

My children, my greatest teachers, who have facilitated my journey into who I really am. To be the best version of myself.

And who can also bring out the worst version of myself

My husband who somehow didn’t make my top three list

Yet he is such a part of me and my life. Yet due to unfortunate genetic circumstances has also been another person to care for, to worry about. He is also my strength and my rock who maintains the calm and also the mundane for us to live our lives.

If I am the waves, then he is the sun.

I am on vacation and so I will leave the next four letter word to rest alone without comment.

I look forward to more laughter, games, lasagna, crochet, walks on the beach, time with my family for the next 2 days.

The sun overtakes the sky as I listen to U2, my favorite meditative song that brings me to Pier 19 where I stood in March of this year. I close my eyes and realize I am here again.

I am at my happy place

Sleep
Sleep tonight
And may your dreams
Be realized
If the thundercloud
Passes rain
So let it rain
Rain down on him
Mmm
So let it be
Mmm
So let it beSleep
Sleep tonight
And may your dreams
Be realized
If the thundercloud
Passes rain
So let it rain
Let it rain
Rain on him

Today: May 17, 2020

My office

It’s taken me 5 months to sit down and write again. I have created this cozy coffee house writing space in my basement. I have everything I need, a comfortable chair, my ipad and Bluetooth keyboard, iPhone and wireless earbuds. Water is heating in the tea kettle on the stove so that I can make a chai tea latte.

My cats run and play. Shadow darts down the stairs and jumps in to the hammock we created, hiding from his sister, ready to pounce when she returns. Sunshine is no where to be found…

Life ebbs and flows

March 26 the governor declared a state of emergency and issued a shelter in place order. The corona virus had arrived in the US and fear set in across the country. The virus was spreading rapidly and people were dying. COVID 19 became a daily headline.

I suddenly had increased hours at the nursing home where I work on an as needed basis. The following weeks, I had no hours. The facility locked down, limiting new admissions, limiting the therapy caseload, limiting the need for additional therapists.

Hope

I discovered that even part time employees can collect unemployment. New federal funding and orders also now made it easier for individuals to receive unemployment due to reduced hours from corona virus. It was not so easy to get an account set up but a week later, I had one and then waited. Four weeks later, I received my first unemployment check and then I figured out how the system worked and what was required to qualify for unemployment each week. Every state has different requirements and different maximum weekly distributions. NC is one of the lowest.

North Caroline is beautiful with mountains and beaches and bass-ackwards when it comes to government programs and policies

The Times They Are A-Changin’

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won’t come again
And don’t speak too soon
For the wheel’s still in spin
And there’s no tellin’ who
That it’s namin’
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin’

Life will never be the same

We hear this phrase often now. I have said or thought this many times in my life during the many challenges my family has experienced. Yet, each day is a new experience and so the happenings of the prior day, render life Different.

I am both saddened and amused seeing adds on tv showing people connecting more… Parents teaching children at home, parents working from home, families spending more time together. I shake my head and wonder why it has taken a pandemic to get people to prioritize relationships and spend more time connecting.

My family has lived this way for a long time. My husband works from home and has since we decided to start a family. We have been homeschooling our children their entire lives. My husband and I have been growing a business together helping families… to connect.

Connection. And Balance

I have friends on both sides of the fence. Regarding this pandemic and government regulations and controls. We want to protect people and reduce deaths and we want the freedom to live our life. The dichotomy has contributed to the divisiveness that has been growing in the US. My personal.belief encompass both philosophies. And I wonder, why does it have to be one way or the other?

Some might say, you can’t have both.

I am hear to challenge the idea that we have to be on the side of Personal freedoms OR on the side of saving lives.

I have been concerned from day One about restrictions. I work with the elderly and confining them to their room in a nursing home or an assisted living facility can have a negative impact on their health. And keeping seniors in their homes can be detrimental to their health. Yet, these are the very people who are most at risk for complications from the virus and who suffer a higher mortality rate.

Are we merely delaying the inevitable spread of this disease?

I believe in boosting our natural immune system to fight illness and maintain health. The naturopathic medicine philosophy has been a part of my life and my immediate family for many years. Breastfeeding is the best way to begin building our immune system and far more effective than any vaccine. My younger two children never had an ear infection. I have been so much healthier since embracing this philosophy, including improving my diet and using foods to boost my immune system.

How do we allow for the freedom to live our life and protect the vulnerable population, minimize their risk for serious illness and death.

If we all followed a naturopathy philosophy of health, would a quarantine be necessary? Allowing personal freedoms means allowing people to make their own choices when it comes to their health, even if it means they choose things that diminish their physical health. We all choose things that are not in our best interests at some time in our life. We are human and living in this physical experience.

What if we looked at this pandemic from a spiritual perspective?

I think we might label it in a different way then by calling it a pandemic. From a spiritual perspective we could refer to this time as…

The time we became so wrapped into our physical expression of our body that we both lost sight of our higher purpose and also reconnected with our inner selves

It needs a shorter title, or does it?

We live in a culture of quick fixes, instant responses and fear inducing headlines.

From a spiritual perspective, I can see that I still have the freedom to live and be who I am even within the restrictions on entering the community. I can be my true self despite the government regulations and control. Yet, when I think of parenting and raising children, I see it differently. As adults, this is only a small period of time in our life but for our children, this is their childhood. How they experience life has an impact on how they develop and limiting their experiences can have a detrimental affect on their mental health.

Any drastic change, sudden change or disruption to our routine can have a detrimental affect on our mental health, for all of us, no matter our age. It can and does also impact our physical health as well as our mental health in a cyclical manner.

I invite you to share your perspective. I challenge you to find a blending of the needs of personal freedoms and protecting the vulnerable. Please share. I would love to revisit this idea with the input from others. Respond in comments or feel free to private message me if you prefer to be anonymous.

I leave you with these thought provoking lyrics as you contemplate. These words are even more powerful listening to Kenny Loggins sing them:

Where are the dreams that we once had?
This is the time to bring them back.
What were the promises caught on the tips of our tongues?
Do we forget or forgive?
There’s a whole other life waiting to be lived when…
One day we’re brave enough
To talk with Conviction of the Heart.
And down your streets I’ve walked alone,
As if my feet were not my own
Such is the path I chose, doors I have opened and closed
I’m tired of living this life,
Fooling myself, believing we’re right, when…
I’ve never given love
With any Conviction of the Heart
One with the earth, with the sky
One with everything in life
I believe we’ll survive
If we only try…
How long must we wait to change
This world bound in chains that we live in
To know what it is to forgive,
And be forgiven?
It’s been too many years of taking now.
Isn’t it time to stop somehow?
Air that’s too angry to breathe, water our children can’t drink
You’ve heard it hundreds of times
You say your aware, believe, and you care, but…
Do you care enough
To talk with Conviction of the Heart?

Many thanks to Bob Dylan, Kenny Loggins, Azlyrics, YouTube, and to all of you who read and share my posts.

December 4, 2019

Five weeks ago I was sitting in a hospital room waiting on results.

Five weeks ago my concern was that they were going to send my husband home from the hospital with no answers.

I left the hospital that morning to take my youngest to a therapy appointment.

I did not know I would return to find out he had failed his stress test.

I did not know the critical care ambulance would be driving him to the main hospital.

To Presbyterian main where he spent 12 days recovering from his heart attack 8 years earlier.

I did not know he would undergo coronary artery bypass graft surgery, CABG,

Open heart surgery

On November 1,2019, my husband had open heart surgery

His heart was exposed

His heart was stopped, his lungs were deflated, he was intubated and put on a heart and lung machine while they replaced his clogged arteries

The arteries that supply blood to his heart so that the heart can beat

So the heart can beat and send blood to the lungs and to the body

So he can live

Genetics,

And stress

Stress

Stress can wreak havoc on the body

He does not look like a man with heart disease

He never has

He is tall and thin

Unlike his cardio thoracic surgeon who has a large gut

Ironic

His surgeon was wonderful and even personal

We are grateful for him

Yet, it has been hard for me to look at all the overweight people

To see obese people in the hospital waiting rooms, in the cafeteria

Not the people in the hospital beds, but the ones visiting

And wonder why my husband is the one with heart disease

It is what it is

The past month has been a whirlwind

Driving, waiting, wondering

Juggling responsibilities as a parent, as a wife, as an employee

Driving my family members to appointments and making sure the kids were fed

Being there at the hospital most hours of the day to hear what the doctors had to say

Accommodating the lack of schedule in the hospital

Managing my two prn jobs, where I work as needed

Canceling work hours and trying to find work hours

The game is continuous

The flexibility is my life line

The flexibility is a must for being the mom I choose to be

For being a homeschool parent

For putting my family first, making parenting my top priority

I used to say, if I could only get paid to be a parent

Now, I have that opportunity.

Don and I have spent hours developing our program for families

We have given presentations and spoken to groups of parents

We have been growing our business

To help families who have challenges, where anxiety resides in the home

For families with children with behavior issues

For families looking for a better way to help their children thrive

On October 1, when I lost nearly all of my regular hours at my primary job,

I declared to the universe that I was ready

I said, “I am all in”

I knew it was time to give 100% to growing our business

To my writing, growing my blogs and working toward that book I will write

To spending more time growing our business, speaking and finding clients

I need to continue working at my “jobs” as we grow our business

Yet, the stress of finding hours and dealing with the latest change in reimbursement for therapy services at skilled nursing rehabilitation facilities

The second change of its kind in the course of my 27 year career as an Occupational Therapist

I declared the stress of all of this, the job stress, behind me

I have bigger and better things growing and am working toward

No longer depending on that income to support my family

Live is so unpredictable

When I was a child, I used to find my life

Boring

Most children declare that sentence often,

“I’m bored.”

My life now is anything but boring

I joke about wishing I was bored

I am going within

I am going within to find the strength and fearlessness that I felt on October 1

When I declared to the universe, “I am all in”

Maybe Don undergoing urgent, but not emergent bypass surgery

Is what we needed to dive fully into our business

Now his heart can function better

Now his arteries are free and clear

Now we know he has at least 10 or 20 years of life…or more

Now we can live more freely

I have gotten wrapped back into the stress over the past several weeks

As I have poured time and energy into finding work hours

Finding hours to make up for missed hours

Finding work hours to meet our expenses, or at least not completing deplete our savings

The savings we had build while I worked 30-40 hours all summer

Today

Today, I declare to the universe once again

I am all in

I am ready to dive back into my chosen life

I am ready to stop the life of getting through the days

I am ready to begin to live with more intention

I am ready to live the life I choose

I am a writer

I am a parent

I am a wife and a partner to an amazingly strong and resilient man

I am a parenting coach, a behavior transformation specialist

I am a business owner, a co-owner of

Focused Healthy Family

Even amounts the chaos that life can bring,

Our vision and intentions for our family have focus and purpose

We might lose sight of our core values and beliefs from time to time

Yet, we have done the work and continue to do the work

To be the best parents we can be, to empower our children to be the best they can be

Our desire and our mission for our business is…

To help other families find and achieve greater harmony and balance in their own homes

To live with intention, connection, and respect

To collaborate with their children

To have coping strategies to deal with anxiety and other challenges

To find the life that works best them, so that each member of the family can be empowered to be fully who they are

Life will still be messy at times

We will make mistakes

Life is unpredictable

How we handle life is the key

We can learn to respond to life challenges

Instead of reacting to the challenges,

Instead of reacting to our children’s behavior

We can choose our words and our actions

We can choose a new way of parenting

And live a more empowered and healthy life with our children.

I am grateful, November 19, 2019

I am grateful…

I am grateful for:

Cherries, bananas, kale and hard seltzer and my Ninja

Gluten free zucchini bread muffins in my kitchen

Time alone when I wake up, with the lights on

Spotify premium

Friends

Venting to my brother

Earbuds so I can play music loud while at home with my family

Don being able to do a few things without getting so winded

Mint Hill Aldi and CVS…only 3.5 miles away

My health

My amazing husband, recovering and being present for our children

Patience to help children with anxiety and depression

Patience while my husband recovers from open heart surgery

Finding a way to work and meet kids needs while Don can not drive for 4 weeks

Grace Slick and Mickey Thomas

Job with flexible hours

Being an Occupational Therapist

Dance With Me, by Phillip Phillips

Centering myself, finding a way to take care of me

Grounding and accepting what is

Connecting and being present for my children

Consciously choosing my thoughts, words and actions

Respecting differences

Right here, write now…I live

I write because I must

I write for my own healing

I write to share my experiences

I write hoping my experiences might help others

I write because writing is how I figure out my feelings

I write because it is my creative outlet

I write because it is my passion

I write for my sanity

I awoke about 3am

Peri-menopause

Bipolar 2 Depression

Parenting

Children with special needs

Just when we thought we had a grasp on their needs….

Just when we thought we had an understanding of how to best help them…

Anxiety

Public speaking anxiety

Today my husband and I are giving a short presentation for 40-50 people

I secretly hope only 10 show up, despite my desire to grow our new business

I try to explain my fear to someone who loves and lives for public speaking

“It’s is like being in a room with 40-50 snakes”, I tell my husband.

I don’t know that he can really understand

Only those who experience something themselves can truly understand

…Any issue, challenge, fear, experience

Parenting

My greatest love

My greatest challenge

Myself

Dealing with the demons in my mind,

Dealing with my anxieties,

Taming my “ego” the nay-saying voice that keeps me from being who I truly am

Embracing where I am

Embracing who I am

Being who I am

Right here and right now

Dreaming

Envisioning

Manifesting

Creating

The grandest vision of the greatest version of who I am

Hope when you take that jump
You don’t fear the fall
Hope when the water rises
You built a wall
Hope when the crowd screams out
They’re screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love
And it hurts so bad (Yeah)
The only way you can know
You gave it all you had
And I hope that you don’t suffer
But take the pain
Hope when the moment comes,
You’ll say

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
Yeah with every broken bone
I swear I lived

I’d like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony

Hope that you spend your days
But they all add up
And when that sun goes down
Hope you raise your cup
I wish that I could witness
All your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes
I’ll say

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
Yeah with every broken bone
I swear I lived

I’d like to teach the world to sing

Thank you, One Republic, for writing and singing this amazing song.

Sunrise: reflections and insight

Today I awoke at 5:30 am feeling refreshed and recharged. Looking out the giant window as I lay in the comfortable bed, I was able to remain quiet and calm and go within. I have learned that I use music to help me focus and to restore my energy. Music is healing

Silence is golden

I often resist quiet meditation time. My sweet husband has reminded me often how important it is to have time in the quiet. I know that in theory and believe it. Yet, I have used excuses as to why I don’t do that. Who has time to sit and be quiet? For me, it isn’t even about the time. It’s more about my mind being so busy with thoughts, often anxiety, that I have needed music to quiet the inner turmoil in order to focus.

Time alone is essential

I have discovered many things about myself over the course of the past three days.

I enjoy:

Walks on the beach without a plan or time frame

Reading while in my beach chair at the water side as my chair slowly sinks deeper and the water rushes against me as the tide comes in

Walking along the boardwalk at sunset

Walking on the beach at sunrise, something I already knew

Watching people

Talking with random strangers and learning about their life

Having casual conversations with the employees at the pier store

Connecting with someone because she has a dog and is standing alone

I have learned these things that either I didn’t realize or had forgotten:

Talking to people gives me inspiration for writing

Having an adventure by myself makes me giggle and also gives me writing ideas

I really do not care what other people think about me

I enjoy video blogging, even if I’m not yet good at it

What is good enough?

I like order and having a plan

I also love spontaneity and the freedom to do whatever…

Drink from the carton with the refrigerator door open

Leave things messy and fall asleep without changing

It is really cool to sit on a bed and be able to view two televisions and to be able to watch two shows at once

And I don’t understand why anyone, even an actress in a movie, would cheat on Richard Gere!

Watching Harry Potter movies by myself is not nearly as fun as watching them with my kids.

Watching feel good, uplifting movies inspires me to write

Stepmom is an amazing movie and makes me cry,while sitting in my pink bath

When I am depressed, I don’t feel real sadness

Depression and sadness are two very different things

Being on the 20the floor with an entire side wall of windows, in the heart of Myrtle Beach and being able to view the city and the ocean, is…

THE MOST AMAZING GETAWAY that I could ever have asked for.

I plan to make this a yearly pilgrimage and I want this very room each time.

I will be happy with any room with a side view from the 20th floor, or the 19th, even the 17th would be high enough for a beautiful view, right?

I like consistency and the idea of coming back to this very room to have memories to inspire me to write even more.

I also love change and variety and know that I will be inspired to write from any floor of this building, yet being up high is the most amazing.

My fear of heights is also exhilarating…

Standing at the edge of the balcony looking out

Looking to the ocean doesn’t really bring fear, but when I turn for the city vie, that’s when my heart races and my chest tightens

Maybe there is a message in that

Or maybe my fear is more about falling into traffic and landing on concrete

I do have some claustrophobia discovered when standing on a narrow hallway with no windows, on the 20th floor of a glass building, and reading the sign that say, “in case of fire, use the stairs, brings scary things into my mind that I had to shut down immediately to enjoy myself.

And maybe that’s the difference with someone with obsessive compulsive disorder and myself. I have fears and even obsess over ideas somethings, yet I have the ability to shut down the thoughts quickly. I knew that OCD involved the inability to shut down irrational, unhelpful, scary thoughts. Yet thinking about standing in the hallway reading that sign and how easily I was able to shut the thought out AND how easily I was able to NOT let it stop me from enjoying myself. Sure, it entered my mind each time I saw it, but I quickly moved on and didn’t obsess about it when I wasn’t standing there next to the sign.

I am always amazed at the clarity writing brings me. I had no idea when I sat down to write that I would talk about the sign and discover insight into Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, an illness that invades my children’s lives.

We won’t be staying on the top floor next month when I bring my family to North Myrtle to celebrate my 50th birthday. And that is ok with me.

I will stop and listen better to them, knowing that sitting with the fear is what they need to do to overcome OCD, and also that they don’t have to sit with all their fears, especially when on vacation. There is a difference between their fears stopping us living our lives, and minimizing being in fearful situations so that they can relax and have an enjoyable time while on vacation.

I could sit here all day on this balcony.

It’s 7:30 am now and I just remembered I wanted to take a picture of the sunrise for this post.

I can leave today, knowing I can come back here with points and also without points.

I can stay longer next time.

I can leave here today, looking forward to coming back in three weeks with my family with the thought of all five, and hopefully six of us, will be together on the beach.

We have a tradition of family vacations at the beach and that is something they will take with them for the rest of their lives. And even after I am gone, they can come to the beach and think about me, remembering our time together.

I need to go home and find the pen drive with the journal entries I write for Jason’s journal. I have Harrison and Abbys’s on paper in my bedroom closet. I likely have more entries for them as well on those pen drives or stored somewhere on a computer.

My post had moved from inspiration to a to do list….

I will capture my picture of where I am now and move forward.

Caregiver Burnout

I have both personal and professional experience with caregiver burnout.

I work in adult and primarily, geriatric, rehab as an Occupational Therapist. I have worked in this area my entire career, since 1992, when I graduated from Elizabethtown College with my bachelor of science degree in Occupational Therapy.

As I wrote The word career, I had to stop. Yes, I have had a career…it sounded bizarre to me after I typed those words.

Being a mom has always been my desire and passion. Occupational Therapy is something that feels like a part of me, yet since having children, it became a job, one I had to do to earn a living and had to continue doing when my husband’s business was getting started. And over the years, for many reasons, I have been the primary breadwinner most of the time. Don and I are part of book, our story is one of 60 others in Breadwinner Wives and the Men they Marry.

I don’t think of myself as a “career woman”. I think of myself as a mom who is also an Occupational Therapist. Being a mom is my most challenging and most rewarding “job” and my favorite role.

As an Occupational Therapist, caregiver education is very important. Over the years, I have realized in geriatric rehab and especially when working with people with dementia, that caregiver education is vital. With dementia, caregiver education is not only essential but also needs to be the primary role for an Occupational Therapist.

I see first hand from the people I work with and their caregivers, the impact of caregiver burnout.

I also have been a caregiver for my husband after he suffered a near fatal, massive heart attack in 2011 and spent 12 days in the hospital and 6 months in recovery.

When he graduated cardiac rehab 6 months after his “event”, I developed bronchitis which was reoccurring for over 6 months and then was in a car accident, ironically, one year after his heart attack. I still had wheezing at the time of the car accident, enough that they x-rayed my lungs. I didn’t have any major injuries and went home from the hospital the day of the accident. Yet, I suffered from that accident for a long time. Physically, I hurt for several months and mentally and emotionally, I suffered for years.

I honestly believe my recurrent bronchitis was a result of caregiver burnout and on a spiritual level, so was my car accident. The other driver was 100% the cause of the accident, or so the police reports and insurance companies said. I have forgiven the driver, never really blamed her per se. I blamed the fact that she wasn’t paying attention fully as she drove with her 2 year old in the car with her. One of my first questions after my accident was, “Are the other people ok?”, as blood ran down my nose after getting myself out of my car through the passenger door because I thought the smoke from the airbags meant the car could be on fire. The driver’s side door could not be opened as she had slammed into me making a left turn into the front corner of my car, pushing me sideways into another car at a stop sign.

“Are the other people ok?”

I am a mother of three, a wife, a healthcare worker, a child of aging parents, a child of a parent with chronic illnesses. Did I mention they called my husband’s heart attack, “a widow makers heart attack”? The medics and ER doctors, brought him back to life.

I am a caregiver.

I am significantly injured in a car accident and my first question to bystanders is, “Are the other people ok?”

As Caregivers, we often put the needs of others ahead of our own needs. Yet, doing this over time, affects our own health. And if we don’t stop and meet our own needs, we can suffer in many ways.

I am the mother of children who suffer with mental illness.

I am diagnosed with Bipolar Depression, Bipolar II. I only discovers my diagnosis because my brother also has this illness. I suffered for years with undiagnosed depression. Undiagnosed because, to me, it didn’t look like significant depression. I knew it was depression but told myself for years that it was “mild depression”. I was still functioning. I didn’t seek help until a friend who was prompted by my husband to convince me to seek help. That was nearly 5 years ago.

I have always known the importance of taking care of myself. I used to think I did a very good job at giving myself “me time”, attending to my own physical, spiritual and emotional health. My favorite metaphor is,

We must first put on our own oxygen mask, before we can help the person next to us with theirs.

Yet, I see now how much of my energy has been invested in caring for others.

I have repeatedly said that my job as an O.T. is mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting and coming home to be a caregiver for others is very taxing. I even joke about how I wish I had become an accountant or gone into a math field, as math was my best subject in school. The thought of sitting alone with numbers all day sounds like a nice change from being a caregiver.

Caregivers care for others because they have to and also many times, because it is their nature to do so.

Many people of all ages, need a caregiver. From babies and children of all ages though aging parents, people can have needs that they can not handle alone.

As humans, we all need to care for each other.

Being a primary caregiver to someone demands our time and our energy. Giving energy to others and not refilling our own cup, is what depletes us.

For me, I need to be alone, away from the house and away from immediate responsibilities in order to recharge. After my second child was born, I began a ritual of Monday night out, writing time. I created Charlottehomeschooling,com in that time. I have written thousands of journal entries, for myself and for my children’s journals that I started for all three of them when I was pregnant with each of them. I started my bogs using Monday night writing. First Gina’s Life Journey and them Child-led Learning . I have used that time to both talk with my husband as well as work on my end for our family coaching Business, Focused Health Family.

My writing time started as a hobby, as my passion. I came home refreshed and renewed and re-energized for the other aspects of my life, for caregiving. Then it became “work” and I found myself escaping from writing during my time alone, playing online games and watching movies and TV shows. I escaped because my life was overwhelming and because distracting myself from all my stress was my way of “coping” and I thought it was recharging me.

I am here now, alone at the beach, for 3 days and 2 nights because I finally realized how burned out I had become. I also finally realized that getting away by myself was essential to overcoming my bipolar depression.

Please share your stories about being a caregiver. My blog is intended to spark a community of support for myself and for others. I would love to share other’s stories , either as a guest blogger or anonymously with my help and your permission to share for your story. I want to help others through my experience, creating a community and connecting others with similar struggles.

I am a caregiver.

Now it is time for a sunrise walk on the beach.