sharing my life experiences, reflections and insights as a mother, a writer, an Occupational Therapist and and a spiritual being having a human experience

Archive for December, 2011

Holiday Gratitude

I started November with a goal to blog daily.  I published 14 posts.  Not bad for someone who came down with Bronchitis/Pneumonia during that time!

Here it is December 21, and this is my second post for the month.

I can be grateful that I have felt much better this month and so have been busy working, doing laundry and cooking, taking care of my children, Christmas shopping and living.

Here is my December Gratitude list:

My friends who created a grateful photo group– a small private group where we share photos of things we are grateful for and have fun conversations about our posts.  This is now my favorite part of Facebook and I enjoy it so much better than all the random posts on my wall, too many of which are negative.

This lap top which my wonderful husband got from his wonderful friend who has assisted us with computers over the years and shared business with my husband.

My wonderful family who managed without me for almost a month while I was in my room, coughing and watching Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix because I had no energy to do anything else.

My extended family, especially my siblings,my mom and my oldest son who have been pulling pictures together to prepare a surprise video for my father who turns 70 next month.  Don’t worry, he isn’t on Facebook or email or the computer hardly at all, except when he has to for his work which is part-time for him now.

Looking forward to a week at my parent’s house on the lake with my sister, her husband, their dogs, and my brother and his kids.  Our kids have so much fun together and there is nothing better than watching my kids enjoy time with their cousins.  And they are all old enough (just about) where I can sit back and relax for the most part.  -we’ll see how my almost 3-year-old does as he will want to be included in all the older kids do.

My husband.  There aren’t words for my gratitude to him.  I am very grateful that he is here with us this holiday because he came very close to leaving this world back in May and I really can’t imagine life without him.  He went to all 36 session of cardiac rehab and is doing so well continuing his exercise at the YMCA- so proud of him- and so inspired by him and how he is improving his life!  He is an amazing man and father and my best friend.  I need to tell him that more.

Simplicity.

Our experiences back in May, really showed me the beauty of simplicity in life.  Then I got sick and learned to appreciate my breathing and again it was a reminder to slow down and keep it simple!  There is really no reason to rush around like the Tasmanian devil and I am working to keep it simple in my life and to remember there really is no reason to hurry 99.9% of the time!

It is all perfect.

Even when it looks like it is not.  Somehow, it is all perfect, all in divine order.

Life experiences that help me realize the above even if it takes time to see the divine order.  And even when I still don’t see the divine order in the experience.

Quiet time to myself-  I am blessed to have a supportive husband who knows that I need time alone away from the house for my sanity, for my health and he has helped me make this happen nearly every week of the year.

Blogging and WordPress I have been journaling since I was 10 with notebooks and paper and finally began this blog, just over a year ago.   I love being able to take my lap top and write and publish my blog and then share it on Facebook.  Sharing what I write has been a new adventure for me and a BIG step out of my comfort zone.  It has been a wonderful experience despite my fears!

Reflecting- I have come to see how essential it is for me to write.  It helps me tune into myself, to reflect and make sense out of my life.  It calms the chatter in my head, the fears and most of all it allows me to be more of who I truly am.  It is so healing for me that I knew I needed to get out today to write despite also needing to prepare food and start packing for our upcoming trip.  Writing is as important to my physical health as what I eat and exercise.

All my virtual friends–  Finding other blogs and other people through WordPress and Facebook.  It is an introvert’s dream to have access to so many people in such a non threatening way!

Facebook and Friends-  Being able to reconnect with old friends as well as new with my computer and more often, my Black Berry.  As a busy mom of 3, sometimes it is my only connection to friends and other adults, something I need!

My Black Berry-  I got it just after my youngest child was born.  Thank God I did! I was able to keep up with the homeschool world and my children’s friends because our world is by email and now Facebook!  It survived being dropped in water with baby bottom balm lotion as well as many drops on the floor.  It acts up and currently won’t allow me to type i, k or m most of the time. Yet, it serves me and allows me to spend less time on my lap top and so more time with my children.

My three wonderful children- Despite my frustrations with them, I am grateful for their strong personalities and sense of who they are.  They have taught me far more than I could possibly teach them.  I love seeing the world through their eyes and witnessing their life and growth and being a part of their lives.  They all have strong passions,  feel deeply and have an amazing zest for life.  I can’t imagine life any other way than alongside the three of them.  They often seem so different from I was as a child, yet, I do see myself in them often and also know they are their own person- each one of them.  I have learned to enjoy where they are more and more over the years. This is a good reminder to me to enjoy 14-year-old Harrison, 9-year-old Abby, and almost 3-year-old Jason.  For, too soon, they will be older,  grown up and no longer living with me.

 

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Coughing into a new speed

‘Tis the season…

Three and a half weeks ago, I came down with what felt like the flu and it progressed into this coughing, bronchial, coughing, low fever, no energy illness.  Did I mention the congested coughing that did not go away but got worse?

My husband is working from home and in the process of completing some training for a new business endeavor and so he is home often and was able to take care of the kids and most meals most of the time. Which means that I had time to rest or as much time as a mother of an active toddler and two older children can rest.  I got to stay in my room or in a recliner in the living room (since sitting up seamed to be much better than laying down) yet the illness lingered far longer than any illness I’ve had.

Unfortunately my favorite go to health practioner, a chiropractor who practices Traditional Chinese Medicine and who I have been going to for 10 years, was out of the office for the first week and a half of my illness.  I did begin to slowly get better but it took three visits to her, many herbs and more rest and as I type this I still have a cough and will likely schedule one more appointment early next week  just to be sure I don’t relapse again.  I had one day where I felt good enough to take my children to the park where our friends were going and enjoyed myself but then felt 10x worse the next day.

So where am I going with all of this?

I haven’t been able to get out of the house for my weekly time away to myself and writing time.  I did manage to use my lap top at home but mostly to play games and busy myself with Facebook just to pass the time.  Sometimes you don’t know how sick you really are until you get better.  I really had no energy and so I feel far less guilty looking back on the time I spent watching Grey’s Anatomy and playing games because I just did not the have the energy to do much else.

I still need to pace myself.  Today I worked 4 hours at my outside the house job where I haven’t been in almost a month due to being sick and then got my hair cut and my husband took the kids so I did some Christmas shopping but then felt myself getting very tired.  I am tired as I write this, yet it is more relaxing to be sitting here at this restaurant wi-fi spot writing than to return home where there is always a child who wants my attention or needs my help.

I think where I am going with this is….

…learning to pace myself

No matter how busy life is, how many things we need to do.  And do we really need to do all those things on our list?

I had a big fat reminder of what is important in life, my crash course in perspective, just 6 months ago when my husband had a nearly fatal massive heart attack.  And out of the blue, I might add as he had no health history other than a family history of heart disease but like many people, he thought he was fine as he was eating very well and exercising.

When he was in the hospital, it was all so clear: what was most important in my life- taking care of my husband and my kids.  I asked for help when I needed it and for those 12 days when he was in the hospital, I was asking often!

Then he came home, and new challenges arose as we renegotiated our roles and figured out  how to live our “new life”.  People ask me if my husband is “back to normal”.  There is no going back, no more normal.  He is physically doing great and better in that way, but life is different now and will always be.  A sudden, serious life threatening event, changes life as you know it forever.  In many ways, that is a good thing.  Yet, it brings new challenges and new issues and there remains the lingering fear of what if that was not really there before, not in the magnitude and reality that it now exists.

Time passes from the “event” and you find yourself in a similar mode as you functioned before the “event”.  My husband tells me every one refers to his heart attack as an “event”, and I just find that funny.  In this case, I use it as it could refer to many different kids of life changing, traumatic events.

Then I  became frustrated that I  appeared to be “back to the way things were before”, but not really because when he was in the hospital, I swore that life would be different or at least I saw a new perspective of life and knew I would never be the same.

And so, 6 months after his heart attack, I came down with a respiratory illness, infected lungs…so fitting from a metaphysical perspective because lungs process grief.  Sometimes there is delayed grief or lingering grief.  Sure, my husband lived and made an amazing recovery and I am forever grateful for that.  Yet, I do not need to deny myself or anyone who has gone through a similar experience, that there is still grief.  There is still the lingering memories and questions and fears and doubt and worries.  My husband remembers very little about his heart attack, he didn’t even know he might be having one and then went into cardiac arrest and so remembered nothing for about 4 hours until he was in recovery in the CCU and his memories of those days in the hospital are sketchy and even his initial return home is a bit of a foggy memory for him.

I on the other hand, remember most of it all too well.  Sure, I was in shock initially and so my recall of the initial hours are a bit different from how my son remembers it and surely he was in shock too.  Yet, once we got to the hospital, I can feel it and recall it like I am still there as well as most aspects of what transpired before they took him to the hospital.

I feel like I have written about this so many times before.  Somehow, I have a need to tell this story and share my feelings and experiences.  I think it is my way of processing my grief, my lingering grief.  Maybe what I am saying sounds much like when I have written about it before and yet for me, each time I write, it helps me move forward and release those aspects of the experience that hold me down, weakening my immune system, allowing a cough to take over my life.

I think the biggest lesson I need to take from all I have written tonight is to continue to…

…pace myself.

To slow down, no matter what is going on in life and not matter how important I think the tasks at hand are to me or my family.

For nothing is more important than health and life.

If we do not take care of ourselves, our body, mind and most importantly, our soul, then it will have an effect on us.  Maybe not immediately or even in the near future, but it will in some way, impact us and most likely in a negative or possibly harmful way.

I have something new to add to my mantra….

The past is behind me, keep moving forward….AND… pace myself !