2021: January 18

On this day of your life, Gina, I believe God wants you to know … … that there is a Chinese proverb: Great doubts deep wisdom. Small doubts little wisdom. Never stop doubting, never stop questioning, never, ever assume you have all the answers. Having all the answers kills the question itself; renders it lifeless –and you, too… Keep looking, keep seeking. Never, ever find it all. Because when you find it all, you deny that there is more. And there is never not more.

Neale Donald Walsch

“Seams like I should be getting somewhere, Somehow I’m neither here nor there. Can you help me remember how to smile? Make is somehow seam worthwhile. How on earth did I get so jaded?”

Soul Asylum, Runaway Train

Listening to my Writing Inspiration playlist, Pushing myself to return

To return to where I belong…

Sitting at a keyboard and going within

Tom Petty knows just when to show up

Learning to Fly…

I turned 50 October 15, 2019 and it was a grand celebration at the beach with my family with a pre solo- celebration in September with my first ever, solo beach trip…and not my last.

Somehow, it is 15 months later and shit happened

Weight gain

Global pandemic

lack of writing

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder flare up in my child

work changes

Less hours, then more, then less… then more…

Stuck treating patients in their rooms, unable to use the large, wonderful therapy gym

Unemployment checks… that was nice

Who knew the underemployed could collect?

A Pandemic changes everything

Everything is always changing

But pandemic changes suck!

I don’t need more quality time with my family!

I am not living in this pseudo reality of “wow, how wonderful to have this “Excuse” to spend more time with my family and focus on what matters!!!! #$%&

I have made choices to allow me to have more time with family

Financial choices, work choices, living in a small house and driving aging cars…

My husband and I have made choices for 23 years to have quality time with our kids and to be there for them

We made those choices years ago

We didn’t need some God-forsaken pandemic to remind us what is important!

Maybe the pandemic helped you to refocus, I respect your path

But for me, it has sucked!

My youngest child has social anxiety and being around others is more challenging than academics.

Maybe today, after all these months, I can see that they have had more time online to grow friendships and have made strides in understanding friendships and this might help them in the near future to connect in person with others. I can hope…

I found myself loosing the desire to go anywhere

Content to stay in my bubble of work and home

In the beginning, I remember being excited to go to the grocery store, I choose to go rather than my husband, so glad to get out!

But that was months ago…

I have let him do nearly all the shopping.

I work my part time irregular hours at the nursing home.

And I stay home, going on necessary zoom or video calls mostly for doctor visits, for me and my kids.

Here is is, almost one year past the initial pandemic lock-down

The self-absorbed haters tried to take over the Capitol

We worry about the future, not only for ourselves, but for our kids

The optimist in me, knows somehow this too shall bring great change

All of it, the political strife, social unrest, injustice and this crazy virus and how the world has responded

Yet, I just want to scream ouch fort to the world…..

What the F#$%!

I had way too much shit on my plate before March 2020. before November 2016….

Life has to get better, somehow…

All I know to do is to write

Writing to find my inner peace and my own truth

I leave you with these words…

When the day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you’re sure you’ve had enough
Of this life, well hang on

Don’t let yourself go
‘Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it’s time to sing along
When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (Hold on)
If you think you’ve had too much
Of this life, well hang on

‘Cause everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don’t throw your hand, oh no

Don’t throw your hand
If you feel like you’re alone
No, no, no, you are not alone

If you’re on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes

So hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts

No, no, no, no you are not alone