sharing my life experiences, reflections and insights as a mother, a writer, an Occupational Therapist, an unschooler, and and a spiritual being having a human experience

Spiritual Connections

When my husband was in the hospital after his massive heart attack, I had many spiritual experiences.  My husband experienced  near death as he went into cardiac arrest in our living room on May 4, 2011. He left the house in ventricular tachycardia, a fatal heart rhythm.  The medics had used the defibrillator several times before they wheeled him out of the house on the gurney. I remember his dark blue face as they took him.  I am forever grateful to the wonderful medics from Mint Hill Fire Department and Robinson Fire Department who took care of my husband and then stayed with me to help make a plan to get to the hospital.  And Lia Schwinghammer who came to my rescue and drove us to the hospital and stayed with us until I got to see Don like 4 hours later. She was one of my many angels and I had many, so I will just thank all my family and friends here.    I am also thankful for the cath lab at Presbyterian Hospital in Charlotte and the entire team who fixed his occluded arteries with stints allowing him to be with my here today, nearly 5 years later.

He spent 4 days in the CCU and then 8 more days in the step down unit.  I had family helping my kids at home and I would wake up usually before 4 am and head to the hospital each morning and spend the entire day with him and come home in time to put my 2-year-old to bed.  It was a crazy time and yet my priorities have never been so focused in my life as they were for those 12 days.  My husband was disappointed that he did not remember experiencing “seeing the light”.  I told him that I saw it for him.  I really do believe that.

I don’t even know how to begin to explain the spiritual experiences.There were many.  The first one was at home. I called 911 and 5 minutes after the medic arrived, my husband went into cardiac arrest.  The medics immediately moved me and my three children out of our living room.  I vividly recall taking the children to the stairs off our kitchen and sitting down with them and tapping.  I have since decided that the only way I was able to calmly sit with them and use EFT, was because Don’s soul guided us.  Later, when he was recovering in the hospital, I vividly recall being in the cafeteria getting food and hearing a song being piped into the cafeteria and I knew it was Don speaking to me.

The biggest experience was around day 8 or 9 after going with only 3 hours of sleep each night.  Because, the first night at home after his heart attack, I awoke after 3 hours with a horrible dream reliving the experience and I told myself I wasn’t going to do that again.  I did not consciously choose to not sleep more than 3 hours but that is what then happened. So by day 8,  I was very sleep deprived and living on adrenaline, and maybe even having blood sugar issues or just panic attacks.

 I had this one night at home where I  felt panicked and scared and I called my good friend and EFT mentor and therapist, Jan Luther. It was very early in the morning, too early to make a phone call, yet I decided to call her.  I heard the line pick up yet there was no one there on the other side, I began talking. I have no memory of what I said but all I know is there was silence, no dial tone, no one talking, just silence.  I think I tapped and talked.  Later, I talked to Jan about it and she told me the phone rang, she picked up and no one was there and so she hung up the phone and began tapping, because she knew someone needed her to do that.  She hung up the phone, yet I heard no dial tone.  We both knew that was spirit at work.

Just last month, my father had back surgery for his spinal stenosis.  He had the surgery on a Friday and I showed up at the hospital at 5:30 am to meet my parents to help my mom navigate the hospital system.  Surgery went well, took a little longer than expected because it was worse than the doctor had thought from the MRI and he took longer in recovery because of breathing issues. We got to see him for a few minutes in recovery area  but he was in a lot of pain but they couldn’t give him too much pain medication because they needed his breathing to improve.   An hour later, he was in his room and we went to visit with him.  He did well that day, he had to lay flat for 24 hours as a precaution but then the next day even got up with the nurse and walked to the bathroom.  I left after dinner Saturday night, with the plan to return in the morning again.  I woke up at 3:45am.  I have been waking up early for many weeks, most like from peri-menopause but usually after at least 5 hours of sleep.  I woke up and looked at the clock and said, “Why am I waking up now?”  I  had been asleep for like 3 or 4 hours.  I knew it was strange.  I should have gotten up.  I went on my phone like I usually do when i wake up early, using it in the dark in my room.   I got a text from my mom who had seen my posting on Facebook and so she texted me. It was 4:11am: 

 I’m in the family waiting room while they put restraints on Dad. Med Dr saw him then They gave him something for hallucinations and for blood pressure. Thought he finally fell asleep  when he awoke and starting lashing out violently. He is having some kind of psychotic meltdown. REally scary to see him like this.  

I immediately replied to my mom

Oh mom.  I’m so sorry.  I’m awake. I’ll just shower and come in.  It’s going to take time for the meds to clear out of his system. (We new he was reacting to anesthesia and/or medications.)

My mom was surprised how quickly I arrived, less than an hour after her message.  I showered and gathered my things for the day and drove to the hospital. It was 4:45 am, no traffic, easy drive and plenty of parking. I walked into the lobby at 5:13am.   She didn’t realize I had experience with this from the 12 days I spent going to the hospital to be with my husband.  I also had the strong feeling through my dads 5 day hospital stay that this was in part the reason that I became an Occupational Therapist.

It helps that I texted all of this on my iPhone and therefore have all the times of our conversation including the when she texted me, and I let her know when I got in the car to head to hospital and again when I arrived in the lobby.  As I read these posts, I see that she had also contacted me at 12:27am via text because my dad was asking for me. I was asleep and didn’t see those texts until morning.  I can share that in another post.  I talked to my dad tonight to get his permission to share this story and he is happy to sit with me and tell me more so I can share more of it. He believes he was talking to God and telling God to decide about leaving his body or staying.  I believe that he did experience that as well.  More on that for another post.

My dad slept all morning. They had to put him in 4 point restrains and  give him Haldol which is an injectable antipsychotic.  He had kicked a nurse.  It was weird seeing my dad in his hospital bed in restraints.  AFter talking to my mom when I got to the hospital, I had told her to get some rest. The waiting room had a couch.  I went to sit with my dad to be there when he woke up.  I was able to explain to dad as he was waking up that he was in restraints and he was calm.  Later when he was fully awake, he shared the experience with us.  He actually remembered the psychotic episode and described what he experienced. he also appologized to all the nursing staff that saw him for the next few days.   I will just summarize: he explained feeling like he was in a box and there were bad guys trying to hurt him and he had to get away.  He explained it with much more detail but I don’t want to misquote him. But he also told me he heard me laughing. He couldn’t see me or get to me but he heard me laughing.  As the day progressed, he continues sharing about what he remembered in detail from his Psychotic episode.  I wondered if some of what he was sharing was also from when he was under anesthesia for his back surgery (3 hours) as well as the 3 hours he spend in recovery getting his breathing back to normal before he could be moved to a room.

It didn’t occur to me right away, but then I realized some things. I woke at 3:45 am which is when my dad had his psychotic episode and I knew it was odd that I woke up.  Looking back, I should have realized it was my dad.  But then I got ready quickly and grabbed my things and headed out in the car at 4:45 am. I turned on the radio and “Crazy Train” was playing on the radio.  I laughed out loud.  I switched stations and heard, “Take a Walk on the Wild side”.  I had the instant feeling like I did when Don was in the hospital, that my dad’s spirit was speaking to me.  Hearing these two songs both playing at the same time on 2 different local stations tickled me.  I talked to my dad out loud in the car, laughing as I did.  And sending positive energy and love to my dad.  Cause, I am weird like that and I talk out loud in the car.  I really do, all the time.  My favorite thing to do is scan stations to find a song that fits my mood.  I never listen to commercials, ask my kids and Don, I am always scanning for a song, a good song.

Wow!  I was laughing out loud in the car and my dad heard me! 

Some would call this coincidence yet as a student of Unity, Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God books,  and just my own personal spiritual beliefs, I don’t believe in coincidences.  It all has meaning, at least the meaning we give it.  I believe on a spiritual level, we are creating our reality, all of it.

 Creation is energy and all of life is energy.  

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Cool, quiet? Sunday

I woke up today on a Sunday morning and had the idea to take a walk. I looked at my weather app, 64 degrees.

64 degrees!?!?!

It is July in Charlotte, NC and we don’t usually see 64 degrees even at 8am.

I got dressed and grabbed my headphones and found resurrection Sunday on iheart radio and off I went.

Now I am perched on the trampoline with a pillow and some towels with my iPad and keyboard in the quiet.

Quiet?

“Mom, mom, there is something I have to tell you. Do you like pears?”

My 9 year old comes bouncing on the trampoline to tell me pears are growing on the pear tree in the front yard.

I explain that it is a pear tree and has had pears on it before but they usually don’t taste good.

He is very excited. I am less than thrilled that my quiet has been invaded.

I try to smile and acknowledge his excitement in the discovery.

And off he goes… on to his next adventure.

The WiFi goes in and out on my iPad and I have to enter settings several times to reset it.

There is an amazing breeze blowing trees that surround me in my backyard sanctuary.

The sky is Carolina blue

The humidity is low

The air is cool

It’s a beautiful day, like an early spring day here in NC

Amazingly, I am home from work on this beautiful Sunday.

If only Bluetooth and WiFi would work continuously so I don’t have to keep going into settings to fix them…

I am in the quiet right now, no music, no children….

Well, to be fair, I texted him first about my personal hot spot not working.

So now. my oldest is texting me about things before he goes to work

I don’t mind.

Motherhood is my first priority.

Now it is quiet.

cicadas? Or something like that chirps

Crows fly overhead cawing

Neighbors dog barks

Wind blows the tall trees

And the leave rustle

A siren in the distance

Not a peaceful sound…

Or it can be, knowing someone is getting the help they need

But it brings knots to my stomach

Deep breath

I release the stress of the siren sounds…

The sun shines down on my back creating a glare on my screen

Showing all the dirt and smudge marks on my iPad screen

The temperature is perfect

A loud banging noise..

From my house?

No, not my house

The sound of cars…. and an airplane

The leaves rustling in the wind is my favorite sound

I could curl up and take a nap

I have been sleeping a lot lately

I figured my body needed rest

And yet…

I seam to sleep a lot and still feel tired

Warning sign

Shiloh, my beagle, comes running through the back yard, sniffing the ground

I don’t think he realizes I am here

Until I call his name and he freezes, tail perked

And then runs over and lifts his nose onto the outer edge of the trampoline to discover it is me

And off he goes again, running through the yard

I realize this is the reason I put music on to write

Music helps me focus

Today my husband was going to take 2 of our kids to Raleigh for the kids camp my sister runs for kids and dogs.

The plans changed so they are leaving tomorrow now.

I was looking forward to having a Sunday at home by myself.

I will have the next two days home, yet I also will be going into work both days.

Then Wednesday, I drive to Raleigh to do a parental swap.

I have right now, here outside in this beautiful weather, sitting on my trampoline.

I lay back and look up to see a hawk flying overhead with the moon in the bakyround

Then another hawk appears

I watch them soar, floating through the air

And then they are gone…

Life moves quickly until we stop and sit still for a moment

My pets know this, the dogs and our cat

Shiloh, the beagle, is sitting still and staring at a fence right now

A wooden fence

There are vins growing on our metal fence and our neighbors wooden fence sits against the metal fence

Shiloh sits still, turning his head from side to side on occasion as if to be looking up and down the fence

I call his name and he turns to look at me and then resumes his watch

If only I could enter his mind for a moment

8% battery on my iPad and my keyboard battery must be running low too

It is so peaceful out here and yet my battery will be dead soon and nature calls…

I know I can come back out here and yet, somehow I know once I go in, I won’t come back to this peaceful place on the trampoline to listen, to think, and to write

I need to make meatballs today for my husband to take for a meal on the trip

Life

For now, I sit and watch the leaves move in the wind

I take this moment to be still and peaceful

Quiet

Today I stop and take a deep breath.

Life has been moving fast.

New jobs with increasing hours keeping me busy and paying the bills.

Social life with family and friends

Graduation party, family from out of town, night out on the town

Starting a new business, speaking, planning, consulting and coaching

Writing

Writing is grounding.

It is my meditation.

My centering source

Writing, right here, right now

Deep breath

Highs and lows

Diving into life with everything I have

Then slowly slipping down, loosing speed

Crashing…

I want to avoid the crashing

Highs and lows, ebb and flow

I can move through the ups and downs

As long as it is fluid and

Awareness

Paying attention and knowing when I need to stop and pause

Step back, say, “no”,

And give myself some space to avoid overwhelm

Exercise

Need to make time for exercise

Exercising gives me energy,

Restores my physical health

Writing recharges my batteries and gives me the motivation to exercise again

Music

Tom Petty is alive and well

In my head…

You belong among the wild flowers

Far away from trouble and worry

You belong somewhere you feel free

Creating my life

Living my life

Making choices that serve me

Taking care of my needs

Balance

Family life and personal life

Spiritual growth

Emotional healing

Waking up at 2am

I woke up at 2am and made the mistake of looking at Facebook. A Facebook “friend” had shared a video of a Pediatrician speaking out agains transgender youth, speaking out about the dangers of medications and procedures for transgender children. From her video spewed mountains of hate for LGBTQ individuals and references to the Bible and God and Jesus and a debate on gender and sex.

Ignorance

First, I made comments back on the post and to the people spreading hate and ignorance.

I took my frustration and decide to write a blog.

My blog turned into a blog about all I have learned from my children.

Love

Love is stronger than hate

The opposite of love is fear

People are afraid of what they don’t understand.

Come from a place of love

This is my goal in my writing, to come from a place of love.

So now I have been awake for 4 hours?

Has that much time really gone by?

I am not sure what time i sat down to write, must have been by 3am.

It is now 6:28.

How I spend my time.

I wrote one blog in 3 and a half hours

And spent much time reading other posts on Facebook.

Hmm…

How I spend my time…

I am now paying attention to how I spend my time

The first step in changing my actions is to pay attention to what I am doing

And ask, Why?

Or maybe more poignantly, what purpose has it served for me?

Today, I have learned that I can read something I completely disagree with and from that create a post of love. That I can pull inspiration from unusual places.

And what I write about might not be a response to what I have read.

I have also learned that I can choose how I spend my time.

I have learned that I have been craving quiet time alone

Time alone in my own thoughts

That is renews me to have time to reflect, to listen to inspiring music and read social media and then turn to writing.

We all can be influenced by persuasion even in the absence of facts and science.

Facebook and social media is full of so much misinformation and it is a source of real information, truth and honest news.

Like life, it is a dichotomy.

Now it is 6:30am and my alarm goes off telling me to get up for work.

I am now ready for a nap.

Yet, I will get ready for work.

Inside their is a struggle of resistance, wanting to spend my day writing and reflecting rather than entering the world of geriatric healthcare for the day.

Yet, I know I can choose how I spend my time.

I can choose to make time to write and reflect and have quiet alone time.

I can and need to make these choices actively no matter what is happening with my family and what time my children wake up.

I can get ready for work and go to work now and nap later.

I can take this idea with me today and remember that I am more than my job working in healthcare as an Occupational Therapist.

I can create time for writing and pursuing parenting coaching business just as I make time to go out of the home and work to bring home income for my family.

Everything is temporary.

I can earn an income in more than the traditional way of working at a job.

I can have faith.

I can live in this world and not be of it

I can work at a a job and pursue a passion and and pursue earning a living from a business.

I can transition my time slowly or however it unfolds…

I can embrace the change.

A large weight was lifting from my shoulders tonight.

I have been trudging through “the hard life”, waiting for the sh#t to hit the fan…

I have been living in fear of the rug being pulled out from underneath me, again!

Life has brought many challenges over the past 10 years leaving me feeling like I was living under a heavy weight of doom and gloom.

I stopped myself at work today.

I found myself thinking, “This is hard. I have to go back and see that patient and I have to walk through this large building and I am still figuring out how to get where I am going.”

I stopped myself and said, “Wait a minute!”

“This is NOT hard. I can do this. They are paying me good money to be here and to help them. I can sit in the comfortable building and walk these pretty halls, in this “palace” with a lap top that makes it easy to do my paperwork. I know how to be an Occupational Therapist and how to work with a variety of people and a variety of conditions and living situations. I know how to read through weeks of notes and write a progress report with one visit with the person. I CAN do this! I can ENJOY this!”

THIS IS THE GOOD LIFE

I AM living the good life!

I can decide how many hours I am working for these companies each week.

I can decide how much time I am spending writing.

I can decide how much time Don and I are spending growing our business and creating videos and pod casts and expanding our program.

I can decide how I spend my time.

It can be easy!

It really can.

I have removed myself from the drama of the hard job

I work PRN- as needed and on my terms.

I get to say, Yes I can work, and NO, I can not work!

I decide.

Don and I can present our introductory workshop to multiple places and people and gain more and more clients.

Life can be that easy.

I can enjoy what I do.

Fully enjoy helping people, without all the drama

Free of the drama of the healthcare- …sick-care system.

I am choosing a new path.

I can work in health care and stay out of the drama.

I can.

I can go in and do my work. And leave work at work.

I can then go home and get on with my life and my other endeavors and other pursuits.

I can work for my employers and do the work and come home and have plenty of time for the rest of my life!

Time to grow a thriving business with Don, helping families.

Empowering families to support their children and be better versions of themselves and improve their communications skills and their relationships, and their lives.

I can bring to other families what Don and I have brought to our family.

I can.

I am.

I am Gina

Here me roar.

I am a writer,

I am a mother.

I am an Occupational Therapist.

I am a facilitator and a coach.

I am a partner, a wife and a friend.

I am Gina.

I am creating my life.

I am.

Today is June 4, 2018

I went to a new psychiatrist today. This is my third psychiatrist in 2 1/2 years. I have not been happy with the psychiatrists I have seen. I have been disillusioned by the majority of the mental health community that I have encountered for myself and my children.

Today, I went to my appointment with a plan to be completely honest.

Refreshingly, the psychiatrist asked what brought me in today and I spoke frankly with her and she was real. She listened to what I said and spoke to my questions respectfully and authentically.

I decided quickly that I liked her.

She did not know what EFT was but she initiated asking me about it. She heard my perspective of my experience of depression and respected that I felt it was bipolar depression. She stated she was going to keep the major depressive disorder diagnosis for now, not sure why, but whatever, it does not really matter. She did understand Bioplar 2 and spoke clearly about it and asked specific questions about my experience.

I felt heard.

After the appointment, I thought about the law of attraction.

I was ready to be honest with the doctor and also wanted to be heard and that is what I experienced.

When I was depressed and sought a psychiatrist, I found one in an old building with no working air conditioning and so she ran a fan which affected my ability to hear her confounded by her soft voice, accent, and my hearing loss. And she only accepted cash payment, very inconvenient for me to have to have cash on me. I don’t have a local bank and so finding an fee free ATM is a challenge. Last thing I need when I am depressed is more challenges, hurdles, to going to the doctor that I most need to see.

When I was hypomania, bordering on manic, I saw a psychiatrist who although very open to alternative therapies and resources, was easily distracted and lacked focus.

Hmmm..

Something very funny about all of this.

The law of attraction is powerful.

I also worked today, at my newest job. The job where I feel like a queen in a palace. Quite an unusual feeling for me at work. I worked longer than I had told them I could work, but it worked out ok because the reason I had to leave early changed, an appointment I was supposed to have in the afternoon got canceled.

I have put in many hours at this new job and am happy to do so. I am getting the best pay rate at this new job, the best and the first time I have had a true increase in pay in over 20 years. Crazy, huh? No, I work in health care.

I went to get a massage today. A good friend offered a special on massages this month, 90 minutes for the price of 60minutes. I couldn’t pass it up, an opportunity to support her, get a great massage, and see my dear friend who I have not seen in a while.

I think I am now clearing toxins.

I feel like I need to exercise or something.

Restless discontent.

Maybe it is the fact that my husband, Don, and I are speaking in just 3 days and I am beginning to feel the panic of do I really know what I am doing speaking to a group of people about parenting?

This Panera closes too early, 9pm. I am used to the Panera that is open until 10pm. They are cleaning the floor already at 8:30 and out of 2 kinds of tea. I got prickly pear and don’t like it.

Restless discontent

That state of being agitated and bored and edgy yet uncertain

Not knowing what is going to happen next and ready to move forward

To move out of this feeling of unhappiness

Was I feeling unhappy?

life has been wonderful lately

Yet, a part of me is grieving

Grieving a loss

My life is about to change

Change in a good way

And yet, a change is still change and loss

Does change have to be loss?

No, yet it is a loss of the way life was…

And the way it was… despite the challenges, was familiar

I am entering into unfamiliar territory

I started 2 new jobs for 2 new companies recently

I lost my hours at a job I had been at for 8 years

They are choosing not to use me and also have changed policy so that even if they choose to use me, there would not be many hours for me

Body Language

A song by Queen plays as I write

Strange combination

Yet, body language is such a perfect image

For change, speaking to people

Not exactly the way Freddie sings about body language…

The way we communicate with each other

Communication includes how we say what we say

Respect

Consciousness

Collaboration

The three tenants of collaborative, conscious parenting

Moving through the restless discontent

The only way out of the mud, is through the mud…

Diving in deep

Deep into the mud

And Journey sings…

Workin’ hard to get my fill

Everybody wants a thrill

Payin’ anything to roll the dice just one more time

Some will win, some will lose

Some were born to sing the blues

Oh, the movie never ends

It goes on and on, and on, and on

Don’t stop believin’

Hold on to that feelin’

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out

And if you want to be free, be free

‘Cause there’s a million things to be

You know that there are

And if you want to live high, live high

And if you want to live low, live low

‘Cause there’s a million ways to go

You know that there are

Cat Stevens sings as I sit here telling myself to write

Ups and downs, highs and lows

Bipolar depression and mood swings

Life challenges

Leaving me wanting to escape it all, at times

Other times ready to jump in and fight, power on…

Emotions

Feelings

Memories

Regrets…

Life for 48 and a half years and counting…

Opportunities come and gone

New endeavors

Staring new jobs, new people, new places, new computer systems…

Old jobs and people I have known a long time

Letting go

Moving on

Writing

Because I have to

Because it is what feeds my soul

Because when I don’t write,

I feel lost

Something is missing

Until I return to my keyboard

And figure out what to say

My life is awesome

Sometimes my life sucks

Circumstances and situations suck

Infuriated by government systems

Lack of organization and logic

Waiting

Mental health services

Sick care

Thinking of those things is a whole ‘ nother blog

Embracing myself and who I am

Embracing where I am

Right now

Right here

In this home

My 5 year home that I have lived in for 17 years…

With all its cracks and crevices and needed repairs

My house is nearly 49 years old, as am I

Built the year I was born

A good year

1969

I was born on Peace Day during the Vietnam war

October 15

I believe I choose to be born on that day

I was born 3 weeks past my mother’s “due date”

They allowed that back then…

Here I am

Now

Journey sings to me

Don’t’ stop believin’

Dreams

Writing

Aspirations

Hope

New endeavors with Don

Speaking

Speaking!

Writing and speaking my truth

My true self is emerging

i sing this song to my true self…

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

The mist is lifting slowly

I can see the way ahead

And I’ve left behind the empty streets

That once inspired my life

And the strength of the emotion

Is like thunder in the air

‘Cos the promise that we made each other

Haunts me to the end

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

The secret of your beauty

And the mystery of your soul

I’ve been searching for in everyone I meet

And the times I’ve been mistaken

It’s impossible to say

And the grass is growing

Underneath our feet

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

[Interlude:]

You see I know you’re out there somewhere

O yes I know you’re out there somewhere

You see I know I’ll find you somehow

O yes I know I’ll find you somehow

the words that I remember

From my childhood still are true

That there’s none so blind

As those who will not see

And to those who lack the courage

And say it’s dangerous to try

Well they just don’t know

That love eternal will not be denied

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

Yes I know it’s going to happen

I can feel you getting near

And soon we’ll be returning

To the fountain of our youth

And if you wake up wondering

In the darkness I’ll be there

My arms will close around you

And protect you with the truth

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

I know you’re out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I’ll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

I know I’ll find you somehow

And somehow I’ll return again to you

Thank you Moody Blues and Azlyrics

Story of my life

Have you ever seen the video for the song, Story of My LIfe, by One direction?

I have always liked the song and having just watched the video, I like it even more.

And I am very picky about my videos. My favorite song currently is Ed Sheeran’s Castle on the Hill, but oh my! I really dislike the video. It just does not do the song justice. I find the video cheesy. But I will focus back on the video I like…

Story of My Life by One Direction

Today is my half birthday.

Crazy? That a 48 year old woman is celebrating her half birthday?…

Maybe…

There is no cake or anything. I just always think about it when it arrives, 6 months prior to my next birthday.

And today, I am using the date to focus on me and my life for my blog.

What better song to use and after watching the video, I knew it was perfect.

Do three links to the video impress upon how much I want you to watch this video?

I will superimpose my blog within the lyrics of the song today….

“Story Of My Life”

Written in these walls are the stories that I can’t explain

I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days

April 15, 2018

I am 48.5 years old today. My 49th birthday is 6 months away. It is also “tax day” but being Sunday, I guess that will really be tomorrow.

I am very happy with my life right now. I would not have said that last year. Two years ago, I might have, but several years prior to that, most likely not. I have had more than my share of challenges over the past 11 years. Somewhere in all of it, I lost myself but have been working to uncover myself again. In doing so, I have discovered that the truest part of me has been lost for far more than 11 years.

The last time I remember being this confident and happy with myself was when I was 10, 11, and 12 years old and living in Bethel Park, Pa. I lived there for 3 years of my life: September 1979 through the summer of 1982. I made some wonderful friends in those 3 years and have some of my best childhood memories from that time period. I was a Girl Scout, a safety guard for the bus stop, part of the writing crew for a child run and produced news show that ran on the local channel and was facilitated by my 5th grade teacher at Washington Elementary School. I learned to play the clarinet and was in the band which continued even after moving across the state and when entering high school. I played softball for a church league and was a catcher and learned to hit the ball and even got a home run! I played softball the year before we moved to Pennsylvania, when we lived in Ohio, but we later found out that I really needed glasses and this explained my not hitting the ball for an entire season of softball. It is much more fun to play softball when you can see.

She told me in the morning she don’t feel the same about us in her bones

Seems to me that when I die these words will be written on my stone

I received my first journal, “dairy” when I was 10 years old. My sister gave it to me for my 10th birthday, October 15, 1979.

I still have that diary and every one after it that I have been writing in for the past 38 1/2 years. I have been a writer for as long as I an remember. My 6th grade language arts teacher was the best. I can remember creating a book of poetry in her class and I vividly remember her sitting down to review it with me. She encouraged me and praised m writing.

We moved a year later and somehow, my vision of myself as a writer changed. Somehow, when I was in high school and thinking about college, I never thought of pursuing a career in writing. Looking back at my life now, I see how everything I did was perfect to bring me to where I am today. I would not change going to E-town College and majoring in Occupational Therapy. Nor would I change all the places I have worked as an Occupational Therapist. Even the job I held for only one month. It all brought me to where I am now.

I used to say “I am a writer that got detoured by a career in Occupational Therapy”.

I don’t know that I would say that anymore.

I am a writer AND…

I am an Occupational Therapist.

Both are a large part of who I am.

And I’ll be gone, gone tonight

The ground beneath my feet is open wide

The way that I been holding on too tight

With nothing in between

The story of my life

I take her home

I drive all night

To keep her warm

And time is frozen (the story of, the story of)

The story of my life

I give her hope

I spend her love

Until she’s broke

Inside

The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

Any love song I listen to now, I often think about loving my inner child.

Nourishing the part of me that got lost, my true self.

I have been actively working to nurture my inner child for over 14 years ever since I began practicing EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique with Jan Luther.

I did personal work and went on to study EFT further and earned a level 1 and level 2 EFT training certificates. I also received level 1 and level 2 Reiki training. I am a student of Conversations with God. That goes back even further, I believe to before my oldest child was born over 20 years ago. I remember hearing Neale Donald Walsh speak at Unity of Charlotte when I was pregnant with my oldest child. I have read many self help books as well and engaged in classes on spiritual health and growth. I went to counseling with my husband when we fist met and before we even had a first fight. I attended further therapy on my own and joined a women’s group and continued to be in touch with those women for several years.

Written on these walls are the colors that I can’t change

Leave my heart open but it stays right here in its cage

I know that in the morning now I see us in the light upon a hill

Although I am broken, my heart is untamed, still

Depression has been a part of my life since my teenage years. I did not struggle significantly until my senior year of college at the age of 22. Although, high school was difficult for me and I lacked self-confidence and could not wait to move out of highschool. I excelled academically but socially was a very different story.

Moving out on my own after graduating college was a shock to my system. Somehow I envisioned that experience to be an extension of college, but it was not. I had challenges but found my way.

I met my husband in March of 1993, just four months after moving 600 miles south to North Carolina.

I can still see the add in my OT magazine for the job, it read,

Shouldn’t you be in Charlotte?

It spoke to me.

I am glad I listened. That is one “should” that benefited me!

Married in May of 1994

First big job change in August of 1995 with significant pay increase and less stress

First child born November of 1997

Changed to part time work (from full time) in January of 2000

Moved to new larger house in April of 2001

Child number two born February of 2002

Home full time in Summer of 2007, something I had desired since February of 1998 when I returned to full time work leaving my 12 week old son home with his dad

Spring of 2008, expecting my third child and when three months pregnant,

…Back to work because my husband was reduced from full time employee with salary to contractor paid commission only

January 8, 2009 my third child is born and I choose to stay home for a full year because that is why we had waited to have a third child…

So that I could be home full time

Our financial struggles began in summer of 2008 when my husband lost. his job, but never collected unemployment because he still had a job, as a contractor, paid commission, and he even had to collect the money from customers.

I sought work but it took a few months to get hired and worked many weekends ad other days as needed until December when I felt I was too pregnant to continue. I had worked up to the day before for my first two children, but this time I was 39 years old and very tired with this pregnancy.

I returned to work at that same job in spring of 2010 when my youngest was just over a year old, working “PRN” on a part time, as needed basis. I continued at that job until recently.

I could continue to list life events from this point on and yet, that would take hours.

I already have many blogs written about the challenges overt the past 10 years.

The important part…

Is that I am on the other side now

I have walked through the mud

Swam the swamp and come up for air

Hurdled the obstacles with bruises and scars

Badges of honor abound

And courage…

I am stronger because of it

I am also who I am because of all of my experiences

I am NOT what has happened to me…

I AM who I now as, as a result of my choices I have made about what has happened.

And I,’ll be gone, gone tonight

The fire beneath my feet is burning bright

The way that I been holding on so tight

With nothing in between

The story of my life

I take her home

I drive all night

To keep her warm

And time is frozen (the story of, the story of)

The story of my life

I give her hope

I spend her love

Until she’s broke

Inside

The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

And I been waiting for this time to come around

But baby running after you is like chasing the clouds

The story of my life

I take her home

I drive all night

To keep her warm

And time is frozen

The story of my life

I give her hope (give her hope)

I spend her love

Until she’s broke (until she’s broke inside)

Inside

The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

The story of my life

The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

The story of my life