sharing my life experiences, reflections and insights as a mother, a writer, an Occupational Therapist, an unschooler, and and a spiritual being having a human experience

Posts tagged ‘what does it mean? understanding’

What does it all mean?

What does it all mean?….  A conversation with myself

I was writing on an online journal community that I belong to, when I felt myself fading out and wondering, “What does it all mean?”

I knew I needed to pause and think about that some more.  I immediately knew I needed to write more about that. So here I am.  Now what?

I have been in a ‘funk” lately, a sort of semi-depressed, laissez- faire, just going through the motions way of living.  I know there is anger that goes along with it, anger about everything that has happened from my husbands heart attack to our financial situation.  And stress over finances and my own health and my husband’s health and my children and their needs and issues.

Reading over that list, I see that what is really going on is that I have way too much on my plate and so I have been avoiding or maybe just pushing through and doing what needs to be done.  When I put it that way, it doesn’t sound so bad because after all, I am trying despite all that is going on in my  life.  Sure, I can think of things I am not doing, but hey, there are many things I am not doing because there is only so much I CAN DO.  Let me say that again, to myself,  THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH I CAN DO.

I needed to hear that. And I don’t mean it in a defeatist way.  I am functioning as a human, having a human experience, however I phrase it, I am human.  Sure, I believe I am really a spiritual being.  But maybe right now, I am just human. Well, sure I am more than that yet maybe right now.  Hmmm… I don’t know.

As I wrote that, I began to wonder because I don’t feel like I am particularly grounded or functioning from a very “in my body” state of being.

This is making my head spin.

I am more confused now than when I started.

Let me go back to my question, What does it all mean?

Nothing.

It means nothing.

I put meaning into my own life.  I give it all meaning.

Wow, that feels  too heavy,like  too much.  Why do I have to put all the meaning there?

Maybe I do not need to come up with an answer but just stay in the question.

I am in a state of wondering right now.  I am living and doing things and wondering, What does it all mean?

I feel this urge to ‘fix it”- to bring myself out of this undefined state of uncertainty.  I feel troubled that I am in this place.   And yet, part of me, is ok with it.  Part of me is OK with not knowing and being in the question.

It is temporary.

This too shall pass.

I can be ok with being here right now, in the question.

So much has happened and so much is going on in my life and it has left me wondering,

What does it all mean?

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Conscious Parenting: Reaffirming my Parenting Choices: Looking back on the early months when we first realized our daughter was suffering with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ( 2010)

I wrote the following post in summer of 2010. I was a week away from beginning an online 7 steps group to empower me to be the person I wanted to be. For me, that involved writing and being a better parent.

Reading it now over 8 years later, it reminds me of how the challenges of having a child with a mental illness has both shaped my parenting and helped me to be more of the parent I choose to be. Yet, the automatic reaction response method of parenting still permeates me even to this day. It is a continual process of being more conscious in my choices, in how I speak to my children and how I handle difficult situations.

Writing through my experiences helps me both in the moment and years later when I reflect back on where I have been.

I encourage everyone to stop and write even just a few words or sentences on a regular basis. Writing can be very revealing and healing. Even when I write a blog, I often don’t know what I have to say until it has been written. I write for myself and if it helps even one other person, then it is worth the extra effort to continue my public blog.

Here is the post as I wrote it (with minor grammatical corrections) from about July of 2010:

I have been working on my parenting skills but know that working on myself will help me be the parent I would like to be. I have had a very difficult year. My 8y/o daughter’s already difficult nightime issues got much worse and escalated around April and May to full blown OCD. It has been the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. She is my middle child. I too am a middle child and always wanted 4 children to avoid having a “middle child” but here I am at age 40 with a 12, soon to be 13 y/o son;8 year old; and an 18 month old son and I can’t imagine having another child now.
I know this course is about ourselves but this experience with my daughter in many ways has been like a mirror of my own issues, a magnifying glass better descries it because I feel what she is going through feels like my issues magnified. I have never had an OCD episode like she has been having and as tough as it is for me, I know it is even more difficult for her. Yet, I see OCD tendencies in myself and my family of origin as well as my immediate family like my oldest son and my husband. But in different ways for everyone. One of the most common threads is the black or white thinking…right or wrong, this way or not at all.
I have been learning so much about myself while helping my daughter and feel the experience is helping me be a better parent. Yet, f I could take away what she is going through, I would do it in a heart beat because it has been heart wrenching for all of us and disruptive to our family. The pain of seeing her go through this makes all of my labor pain combined from 3 births seam like nothing. Ironic because my daughter’s birth was the easiest and as close to pain free except for transition as I could imagine a birth being. It was wonderful. And when I think about the day she was born which was the most empowering day in my life, I tear up. She was so perfect at birth and I know spiritually she is still perfect yet it is hard not to blame myself for mistakes and things that could have contributed to her serious OCD episode. And sad, that her childhood now includes this traumatic, difficult experience. Traumatic because of my and my husbands reactions to her behavior as we were going through the worst of it.
I was supposed to be the kind of parent I never had, attentive, available, emotionally nurturing and affirming, as well as respectful and supportive of her choices and interests and decisions. And I thought I was being those things most of the time. And yet, here she is going through something more difficult than I went through as a child. Its painful to see your child go through something like this. And then, finding advice and experts that match my nutritional beliefs and my parenting beliefs is an extra challenge in finding help for her. The experience has pushed me into being the kind of parent I have aspired to be and it is a continual journey of rethinking how I have done things and stopping the automatic reactions and stopping my (automatic parent voice in my head) . And then for a day or two she seams like her old self and it feels so good that I think unconsciously, I want to act like the OCD thing never happened and I easily fall into old habbits and then I get reminded with a slap in the face to continue to pay attention and know this is a journey and she will come through this but it may be slow .
It feels so good to write about all of this and really good because she is asleep at my side right now and her arm is outstretched and pressing against my side. She fell asleep next to me but not touching me. I like when she is asleep near me and I know she is alright. Her sleeping and falling asleep before 11PM is truly amazing and wonderful given our night experiences over the past several months. I need to remind myself how wonderful it is that we read together and then she turned off the light and went to sleep. And on my other side is my toddler, Jason, asleep as well after nursing. And Jason asleep is beautiful too as he is a very active, busy and noisy little boy. And I love him for it. And I love my daughter, Abby, for who she is, animal lover, kind and generous soul, stubborn and opinionated and patient and fun loving with her little brother and full of energy and motion, a dancer and social butterfly. I do love her for who she is and it may be hard to understand but I needed the reminder.