What does it all mean?…. A conversation with myself
I was writing on an online journal community that I belong to, when I felt myself fading out and wondering, “What does it all mean?”
I knew I needed to pause and think about that some more. I immediately knew I needed to write more about that. So here I am. Now what?
I have been in a ‘funk” lately, a sort of semi-depressed, laissez- faire, just going through the motions way of living. I know there is anger that goes along with it, anger about everything that has happened from my husbands heart attack to our financial situation. And stress over finances and my own health and my husband’s health and my children and their needs and issues.
Reading over that list, I see that what is really going on is that I have way too much on my plate and so I have been avoiding or maybe just pushing through and doing what needs to be done. When I put it that way, it doesn’t sound so bad because after all, I am trying despite all that is going on in my life. Sure, I can think of things I am not doing, but hey, there are many things I am not doing because there is only so much I CAN DO. Let me say that again, to myself, THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH I CAN DO.
I needed to hear that. And I don’t mean it in a defeatist way. I am functioning as a human, having a human experience, however I phrase it, I am human. Sure, I believe I am really a spiritual being. But maybe right now, I am just human. Well, sure I am more than that yet maybe right now. Hmmm… I don’t know.
As I wrote that, I began to wonder because I don’t feel like I am particularly grounded or functioning from a very “in my body” state of being.
This is making my head spin.
I am more confused now than when I started.
Let me go back to my question, What does it all mean?
It means nothing.
I put meaning into my own life. I give it all meaning.
Wow, that feels too heavy,like too much. Why do I have to put all the meaning there?
Maybe I do not need to come up with an answer but just stay in the question.
I am in a state of wondering right now. I am living and doing things and wondering, What does it all mean?
I feel this urge to ‘fix it”- to bring myself out of this undefined state of uncertainty. I feel troubled that I am in this place. And yet, part of me, is ok with it. Part of me is OK with not knowing and being in the question.
It is temporary.
This too shall pass.
I can be ok with being here right now, in the question.
So much has happened and so much is going on in my life and it has left me wondering,
What does it all mean?