sharing my life experiences, reflections and insights as a mother, a writer, an Occupational Therapist and and a spiritual being having a human experience

Posts tagged ‘perspective’

Depression and Bipolar 2: January 22, 2018

Coming out of depression

I have diagnosed my self with Bipolar 2. I swing from depression to jypomania.

I have seen this tendency throughout my adult life and it became exaggerated after Don’s heart attack.

When I came out of the depression back in 2014, I think that was the year, is when I saw how depressed I had been and for how long. I couldn’t fully see the extend of the depression until I was out of it.

It was quite a realization to look back on years of my life and see how I had been barely functioning slowly sinking further into depression.

So many life challenges had entered my life that had drained my energy and suppressed my true self.

What is depression?

Not being who you truly are

I always think of mud, being stuck in the mud, moving through mud

Slow and difficult, extra work to do everything, to get through each day

Drowning in water, but not quite, trying to keep your head above the water

A continuous doggie paddle

Slipping into the water, unable to breath and then coming up for gasps of air

Just enough air to keep going

Through off your mental chains. (Thank you Howard Jones)

Jacob Marley’s chains

Dragging you down

Then I slipped back into depression, I could see it slowly creeping up on me

I could feel it taking a hold and yet I couldn’t stop it

I couldn’t see how much lower I would sink, Thinking at each stage that “this” is the lowest point

Only to find myself further down the spiral, lost and wondering,

“How the hell did I get here again?”

PRESSURE

Pushing down on me, pushing down on you

These are the days that it never rains, but pours

It is the terror of knowing what this world is about,

Watching good friends scream, let me out

Turned away from it all like a blind man

Insanity laughs

This is our last dance, this is our last dance

This is ourselves, under pressure

Music moves me through the memories of depression and what it feels like

And music helps me move forward and out of the depression

I am way too young and I won’t stop running!

I believe the tables will turn

I won’t stop dreaming

This isn’t over, it’s never over

Facing forward, lights out, I wont stop running

Falling backwards, I won’t stop running

I will take another sunrise….

I am way too young and I won’t stop running

I am living it all

Tearing off the labels….

This isn’t over

This isn’t over

I am way too young and I won’t stop running

Thank You to Queen and lyrics of Under Pressure

Thank You to A Great Big World and lyrics of Won’t Stop Running

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My 500 Words: In the Silence

Silence

Sitting in my living room with a hot cup of tea

No music

Just me and the keyboard

Words

Coming to me slowly

As i take time for reflection

Before looking at social media and before

Diving in to the tasks of the day

In the silence

House noises, creaks and the fan on the wii, I’m guessing

The cat moves about in these early morning hours

It’s 6:17am

WEnt to bed early last night, exhausted

Busy weekend

Working and preparing for his 9th birthday party

Making a multilayered cake with strawberries and blueberries

Gingerbread men and icing to decorate along with organic, all natural candies

An afternoon of fun

Kids running a bout the house

Joined in by Rosa, via skype, his online friend from Ohio

And then Abby joined us via FaceTime as well

Opening presents with 2 iPads to bring them here virtually

Pictures of Jason over these pat 9 years on the walls of our kitchen

Smiling, laughing, joyous Jason

I stop to wonder how many words I have written

My WordPress app does not keep count

Making writing playlists

Music speaks to me

Inspires me

Motivates me

Brings me to life

Writing in the silence is a challenge

Going within

Quieting the anxious mind

God time….God time

Meditations at Unity with Randolph Wilkinson

Connecting to my inner soul

The silence allows me to dig deep, to reflect and be alone in my thoughts

Peaceful and yet, unsettling in a way

In the moment

Now

Taking in my surroundings

Noticing

The silk plant Don bought me for an anniversary

The balloons hanging up from Jason’s birthday party

The way the light from the floor lamp hits the ceiling

Looking for ladybugs

Because they flock to the light in the spring an the fall and when it warms up in winter

Winter

Big snowfall, snow days, making a snowman, snow person

Eager to put my earbuds in to listen to my new playlist I created

While sitting in the bathroom

Plants growing

We have had them for a long time, gifts from when Jason was born or when Don had his heart attack

I often forget to water them but they are still alive,

I think it is time to add new soil to help them grow and flourish

New soil

Fresh starts

The house is so clean

Awesome husband who took care of things while I worked

Cleaned the house, made the cake and cut out the gingerbread men

Enjoying my work more now, enjoying talking to people

People

How many people have I interacted with in my 25 years as an Occupational Therapist

So many different kind so people

Interesting lives and personalities and beliefs

It amazes me how different going to work can be

When I am depressed compared to now, hypomanic

Fully alive and engaged, manic?

Doesn’t matter how I label myself

As long as I take time for reflection

Go within

To connect with my soul and my true self

To be the greatest version of the grandest vision every I held about who I am

Jumping with Jason,right here and now while he is 2

Before the holidays, my friends on my Facebook Homeschool Group shared information about a Groupon for a new Jump place that was opening and they planned to attend the first week of January.  I went to the site and saw pictures of giant padded sided trampolines and learned there was a separate area for younger kids.  I knew my younger two would like it and maybe my oldest.  I bought three Groupons.

My daughter came down with the coughing crud I had before Christmas and wasn’t up to jumping today and my oldest wasn’t interested, he is a jump alone kind of guy.

And so, Jason, my almost three-year old (his birthday is 4 days from today), and I headed out alone to drive across town to go jumping.  Well, I had a ticket for him and not me, hadn’t even thought about if I could get a ticket but had assumed his sister would be jumping with him when I got the Groupons.

As usual he was slow to warm up and despite being only one of two kids- the other was my friend’s son that he knows even though they don’t interact much yet- and it took him time before he would try.  I sat on the edge and even walked on the trampoline surface with him- as you can walk right up to it at the same level, but was told by the nice attending employee that due to liability, I wasn’t allowed on the trampoline surface but she got her manager and they had me sign a waiver and get a red arm band and I then got to join him (at no charge- shh,not sure if that is the policy)!

He still didn’t like the girl who was working there and wanted her to leave which he expresses well for a 2-year-old and then other kids came to the area and he doesn’t like people he doesn’t know.

Then we jumped into the foam pit and luckily there was no one else around at first because he got to stay in the foam pit which he loved.  He was sad when we had to get out of the foam pit to let others jump into it but I convinced him to go to the other area that was just trampoline space and we began jumping!

It was frustrating when we were there with just my friend and her son and he wouldn’t try it, yet all my children have been “slow to warm up” kids.  Sometimes with Jason, it takes him until it is time to go home.   That is always sad and challenging to have him riding in the car home saying “I want to swim” or “I want to get my hair cut”.

It was so great that I got to join him today.  It was fun and took his mind off all the other people, who he usually calls “evil” and describes how he will knock them down or put fire on them.   The only other kids about his age were also jumping with a parent which was good to see.

I think we push kids away from us before they are ready and miss opportunities to spend time with them when they are small and want to be with us.  Trust me, it doesn’t last.  Sure, I am very close to my older two children and we spent a lot of time together but there is nothing like the love of a toddler who wants to marry you and live with you forever.  I guess I like my kids when they are in the “need mommy” stages.  It seams simpler to help them when they are young or even ill and just want to sit with mom.  I know I appreciate my youngest as a toddler more than my older two because my older two are 9 and 14.  Even though, he is my most challenging toddler!

He used to want to be big like his sister and brother but lately has been telling me he wants to stay “wittle” and stay with me.  I am happy to hear this.  I tell him he can live with me forever and he will be little for a long time.  It is good to enjoy being little and each and every age of our children because it all passes….and too quickly.

A good reminder to me for sure because I have my days when I wonder why I had more than one child or long for the day when they are all out of the house.  But not really.  Life can be crazy and noisy and out-of-order at my house, but I do like having children and three of them.  I still wish I had four because it would be more even but that didn’t happen and instead  we somehow  have a dog instead (I am so very much a cat person) and so she is number four.

Now,I need to find a way to remind myself of this every day and especially during the really challenging times.  This makes for a good New Year’s Resolution.  To remember how much I love having kids and to remember that they will soon be 3, 10 and 15……and then 18, 25 and 30!  Enjoy them for who they are right here and now.

May 26- June 5…life after my husband’s heart attack

My husband has been home for 10 days now after 12 days in the hospital.  We are beginning to recreate our life and learning to live with his medications and advocating for him and for resources.

Ten days have passed since I began this post. Life is busy doesn’t even come close to describing the past three weeks since Don came home from the hospital. it bothers me that I haven’t blogged more but I will let go and move forward.

We are busy with regular life activities like homeschool field trips and events, birthday and pool parties, doctor visits, grocery shopping (my last trip to Trader Joes, the clerk, seeing my over stuffed cart asked “How long has it been since you’ve been grocery shopping?” ~ and I replied honestly “3 weeks!”) too name a few activities. And we are busy with irregular life activities like reviewing our health insurance policy so we can let the company know what they need to pay for, and adjusting to Dons altered life with prescription medications and regular cardiologist visits, home health visits and planning for cardiac rehab.

Through all of this, I have gained a new appreciation for women with husbands who are either gone working all the time and/ or husbands who do very little around the house and in caring for the kids. I knew Don did more than most husbands and fathers but I have an even greater appreciation for all he has done and slowly gets back to doing. The sight of my husband sitting in a recliner chair with a lap top is one I am still getting used to. Don is not known for sitting still and is the kind of guy who needs to be told to just sit and relax. Before his heart attack, he was always busy either taking care of his kids, our home, our pets, or busy with finding work, working on his business and growing new business and prepping for the class’s he teaches.

Our thirteen year old son took over his job of finishing the kitchen clean up, running the dishwashwer and washing dishes each night before going to sleep. I had to let him know it was ok if he didn’t get it all done. (I must add that he voluntarily took up is task without any discussion.) Whenever I go to work, I don’t have to tell my husband what needs to be done. He knows and does it, from feeding kids to helping them with homeschool tasks to laundry and cleaning And pet care. Our family and close friends all know that Don is the cleaner in the house and I would much rather be outside doing yard work than cleaning the house. It is ironic that Don had a heart attack while moving the grass. I used to love mowing the yard. Don, not so much.

I am getting lost in small details of the past there weeks. I really want to give a big picture description of how my life, how our life has changed. Yet, the details of day to day life make it harder to step back and share that greater perspective that came so easily to me right after his heart attack and for the 12 days he was in the hospital when I saw angels and miracles all around me.

Life was simpler while he was in the hospital. I was either at the hospital taking care of him or at home taking care of my kids. And somewhere in there taking care of myself, something I began to pay more attention to after the effects of little food and sleep took it’s toll on me. I have no desire to move back in time. Only forward. I am glad that part is behind me and in retrospect, I don’t know how I did all that I did Especially the first day. Adrenaline is powerful and helps you do things you never thought possible. when I talk to friends now about Dons heart attack and al that ensued when it happened, they ask me how I did it and wasn’t I an emotional mess. I too would think I would have been crying uncontrollably or out of my mind in some format. Somehow, I was able to think clearly and know what my kids needed and wait patiently and calmly. It is surreal to Think about it now. I recall waking up a day or two after it happened wondering if it was all a bad dream.

When I look at my husband now, I feel like it is a miracle that he is here. I know that it is a miracle, a medical and metaphysical miracle that kept him alive here on earth. I know that he and I have big things to do with our lives and I am grateful that we can continue our journey together.

Nothing else really matters in life but love. Family, friends, relationships, God; all are other words for love