Life gets messy at times
We all experience ups and downs and for those for us with Bipolar Depression, this experience is exaggerated often to the point of dysfunction.
For me, it is to the point of barely getting by, doing just the bare minimum.
Barely functioning, yet somehow making it through each day
Yet, in the bigger picture, it really feels as if this life is not my own.
I am listening to R.E.M. sing.
This song is powerful and propelled me to writing a blog today.
I had no intention of writing a blog but as soon as this song came on, I reached in my bag and pulled out my keyboard.
The music and the lyrics brought me to a place of honesty.
When I was younger, I wanted life to freeze so that I could catch up.
Now, I feel like I am the one who is frozen and life is wizzing by…
I am now taking a mood stabilizing medication along with my antidepressant.
I thought the antidepressant alone was helping until I discovered i was spiraling down again, slowly, yet enough that even calling my doctor to get in to be seen sooner took much effort and then I called and got no response and I wanted to call back again but never did.
And then it was time for my regularly scheduled appointment. She didn’t give me much time to talk this time but quickly jumped to adding a mood stabilizer when I began to describe my experience and was eager to prescribe the same medication that has been working for my brother. I agreed.
It takes time with all of these medications. To avoid side effects, you slowly titrate up the dose and so you won’t see any results for weeks or often months.
She told me to come back in 4 weeks after I had increased the dose to 50mg, after starting at 25 for 2 weeks. I went to check out and schedule the appointment and she did not have any openings for 6 weeks.
So what do you do with that?
They told me to call back in a few weeks to see if there has been any openings.
Why do they make it so challenging for someone with depression to come in as prescribed by the doctor for a medication increase.
Don’t they know how challenging it can be to follow through and make that phone call?
Don’t they know how challenging it is to get a person on their phone system?
Maybe she has an online way to get in touch with her, I think I remember that. If only I could figure out where that information is so I can access that.
Because waiting an extra 2 weeks to up the dose feels like too long.
Why do these small tasks feel so large and overwhelming to me?
I sat here at Panera while eating my dinner and enjoying a Netflix show and watched a young couple at a booth across from me.
They were holding hands and looking at each other. They were not holding their phones and had their full attention on each other with that look of total infatuation and young love. That feeling of connection with someone new. The attention and interest with each other, such intimacy.
I glanced up many times finding joy in their connection.
Depression is like the opposite of intimacy
You fell disconnected, out of touch and invisible.
You feel lost and uncertain and out of touch with your inner feelings.
You are lost in the day to day mundane tasks and use any opportunity to escape from regular life that you can.
“I want to break free
I want to break free from your life’s, you’re so self satisfied, I don’t need you
I want to break free”
Queen sings in my ear and I feel the lyrics
I want to break free from this depression, my depression
I want to be free of this feeling of drowning, of sinking, of being lost and disconnected.
“But life still goes on….”
“I don’t want to live alone…
God knows I have got to make it on my own
So baby can’t you see, I’ve got to break free…”
I made an effort today to jump into my work, reading and researching information for my new business endeavor with my husband.
We have developed a presentation and program for Collaborative, Conscious, Respectful Parenting.
This week we will give our second presentation. We have one client now, a family, from our first presentation we gave about 2 months ago.
We scheduled a second presentation for last month but no one signed up to attend.
It felt easy to pursue this endeavor 4 months ago when we first dove into it.
These past 2 months since that first presentation have been very difficult. When I practice the presentation with Don and we discuss things, I am engaged and energized by the experience and I know I can do this.
Life creeps back in and day to day life and my irregular schedule of getting weekly work from on e of the 3 companies I am employed with and it falls to the background.
A few weeks ago, I took 2 of my children to the dentist. My youngest was 9 before he would allow a dentist to clean his teeth. My oldest had serious trauma from dentists. I have anxiety over taking my kids to the dentist because of those experiences. Taking my youngest to any “professional” is challenging because his typical response is not to be compliant and do what he is told. That is challenging for me in a social setting.
We came out of the appointment having a very easy experience with only my daughter needing to come back to fill a cavity. She has no problems going to the dentist and usually does not have cavities.
I realized after that visit, that if I could survive that and we all did very well, then I could surely speak to a group of people about parenting.
In other worlds, getting through challenging experiences or potentially challenging experiences, helps me to realize that doing what I have longed to do, what my should wants to do, is not really as difficulty as it feels at times.
It feels difficult because it is not what I have been doing for “a living” for the past 25 years. It is outside the realm of my usual working experience.
Yet, is is also within the scope of my work practice and even experience with both adults and my own children.
It is new and new things take time to become comfortable.
I need to slowly figure my way in this new experience.
Don and I bring a unique dynamic because of our personality differences.
I am a big picture person, a dreamer of possibilities, and he is detail oriented, organized and follows through.
I am an introvert and process things internally and through my writing. Don is an extrovert and loves being in front of a large group speaking to people.
I have the background of being in healthcare and he has a business background.
It really is an amazing combination and together we share a passion for helping families. In particular for helping families with anxiety struggles, especially those with children suffering from anxiety related issues which we know effects the entire family dynamic.
It is so fun to see him using the tools that I first discovered years ago when our oldest was young and see him sharing books like, “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk” with his Clients in his EFT practice.
Engaging in this new endeavor with him has been a vision of mine since at least 2011. And yet, struggling with depression, takes a toll on my ability to follow through.
I have the benefit of knowing that I have pulled myself up and out of the depression several times before and so I do have hope that I will again. Despite knowing I am dealing with depression, I am still making small steps forward. Today, after sitting and talking with Don about our next steps we need to take, I felt energized to dive into the next steps. I also knew I needed to get out of the house and dive into a place of quiet where I go to write and do inner exploration and know I can focus solely on myself and my pursuits, knowing Don is home and engaged with the kids and dogs and they can reach me by phone whenever they need to.
David Bowie sings, Changes, as I finish this post tonight.