Stop and Smell the Roses

This blog has always been about my journey in this life and through this blog, I process experiences, share my truths in a raw and often unfiltered fashion, and then I post it for all to see as a way for me to use my voice and speak up. I have spent too much of my life being the quiet pretty one. When I decided to create this blog, I made the decision to own my truth and speak it out loud. I made the conscious choice to be vulnerable and true to myself. It was my effort to stop hiding behind being a good girl and doing what I thought I was supposed to do, to behave the way others expected of me.

Reflecting over the past year since my last post, I have come to realize the importance of this blog in my life. I see that I can continue to use this blog as my processing point. When I don’t have an avenue to write and release these pent up feelings and emotions, toxicity builds within me that can lead to depression as well as avoidance and insecurity.

As I have written over the years, I see my growth as a writer and am now more conscious of being more focused and concise in my blog writing. I do see how many of my posts I ramble on. This awareness has impeded my ability to share freely and kept me locked inside and not writing.

I can release my inner truth here and share my edited and more focused blogs on our business page, FocusedHealthyfamily.com .

And for blogs specific to child-lead learning I have a variety of posts including some reflective posts and others that are much more specific and focused with resources and links.

Today, my share comes in the form of the following song which has become my current anthem.

A lot’s been changin’ lately and I can’t tell
If it’s me or if it’s everybody else
But I’m done wastin’ my time on the woe is me bull****
That’s keepin’ me from being myself
So look around and tell me what you want me to see
Maybe you’re the person that you always wanted to be
Why you wanna be a sad boy, waste your time?
Lookin’ for something that was right here all along

I think we’re gettin’ it wrong

It’s too bad
When did it get cool to be so sad?
We’re spinnin’ backwards, did we all go mad?
Yeah, we’re only human but wе’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smеll the **** roses

I said that I would never get what I want (Nope)
But I was only lookin’ for a reason to flaunt
Think I’m over trying to break down everything that comes out
Maybe it’s impossible to know what it means
What’s it like to be a loser, happiness abuser?
Smilin’ at the thought of never livin’ it down
Does it matter if it’s uphill, downhill?
I’m lettin’ it go, I’m lettin’ it out

It’s too bad
When did it get cool to be so sad?
We’re spinnin’ backwards, did we all go mad?
Yeah, we’re only human but we’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the **** roses

It’s too bad
When did it get cool to be so sad?
We’re spinnin’ backwards, did we all go mad?
Yeah, we’re only human but we’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the roses
It’s too bad
When did it get cool to be so sad?
We’re spinnin’ backwards, did we all go mad?
Yeah, we’re only human but we’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the **** roses

(A lot’s been changin’ lately and I can’t tell
If it’s me or if it’s everybody else)
We’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the roses
(So look around and tell me what you want me to see
Maybe you’re the person that you always wanted to be)
We’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the roses

The Band Camino

Into the 1980s

10:15 am

Waiting for maintenance to come….to fix my lack of hot water in my shower and random turning on lights and fan….”Is it ok if they come right up?” the front desk asked me on the phone. It’s been almost an hour.

I cleaned up and moved the chair back, not wanting to get in trouble for moving the arm chair. Sitting here in silence stalling and finally realized I need to stop waiting!

This morning I woke up early and found myself in a text chat with my brother reminiscing about 80s songs. It made waking up at 6am worthwhile because that was when he responded to my message from yesterday. Texting in real time, live… however you say that, is more fun.

Interaction

I go away by myself for alone time and I crave interaction.

The sound of a drill startles me, my first thought was “Is that a dog I hear?”

Listening to my favorite songs found in my 1984-1987 journals has been a blast into the past. Sure, many of the songs, I listen to all the time, yet, there were some gems I had forgotten about as well as some I have no recollection of. Today I was searching Hooters songs from that time period because a play list I had written out with song names included “Hooters” with no song with it. The play list appears to be from a cassette compilation tape I made. The numbers indicate where you find the song. (I felt the need to explain that to those born after generation X).

… maintenance arrives

See, never good to just sit and wait. Life doesn’t happen when we are waiting. It happens when we are immersed in what we love. Engaged in our passions and interests. Living.

Now I sound like teen Gina. You should see the things I wrote at ages 14, 15 and 16!

I guess that what this week is all about, writing inspired by my childhood journals. I dove into this notebook first that was from 1984-1987. I also have journals beginning from age 10. I have looked at some of those first journals with my kids. They are much simpler. We laughed at my poor spelling and bad hand writing. As much as I wanted to view all of the journals I brought with me, years 1979-1972, I have come to realize that delving into my early teen years is a place to begin and enough to explore in 3 days. I am at the beach after all and so some of my time is taking long walks or just dancing and singing to great music on my balcony watching the waves crash on the beach. This morning, I created a new play list while I listened to Hooters Nervous Night Album, “1980s Concerts- I have the $10 T-shirts!” I really do have all my rock concert T-shirts. They would make a cool quilt…maybe some day I will learn how to quilt… or just pay some to do it! I think crochet is enough on my plate right now with all my other endeavors.

I don’t think the maintenance guy would have said anything about my moved chair. Maybe with all this 80s experience, I am channeling my teen self who wanted to look like she did everything right and followed the rules. Yet, deep down, I yearned to be a rule breaker!

A secret rule breaker

– Now I have hot water in my shower!!!!!!! I had to stop and see for myself. Where was I….

Secret rule breaker

The wifi here sucks, I keep turning my wifi on my phone to be able to access Spotify and using my phone hotspot for my lap top.

DISTRACTIONS!

Focus, Gina

Got my Teen Gina’s Favorites play list going again to get me back into my groove…

I was very good at doing what I was told and following the rules. I got good grades, all As and Bs. I can only recall a C in handwriting in elementary school. I was generally a good kid at home, at school, baby-sitting for neighbor kids, going to CCD (catholic Sunday school) and later helping my mom with the preschool class because continuing in the teen class was torture for me.

One more side note: This has to be the most lame song in my collection of favorites… DeBarge, Time Will Reveal

Had to skip that one…

Maybe the message is Secret Rule Breaker is a different post! Or maybe, I just need to move around and dance…..

Let’s hear it for the boy

Let’s give the boy a hand

Let’s hear it for my baby

You know you’ve got to understand

Ohh.. maybe he’s no Romeo but he’s my man and one man show

Into the 1980s I have traveled

This 3 day writing journey is not what I pictured and yet it is perfect. I always figured my book would come from compiling my blog entries and am even more convinced of that now.

For now

This is the step I am taking for now and it is the right step for me. Writing these posts so I can work towards my goal of a weekly or semi weekly blog posts for both ginaslifejourney and chid-led learning.

I have discovered that my connection to music and finding meaning in song lyrics along with my writing is who I have always been. It has been a big part of me since at least age 14 and it has been affirming to see that I am on my true path. If I strayed from my true self for a time, I am coming back to it in full circle. I don’t think I every fully strayed… sidetracked. That is a theme with me. Yeah, I just stated the obvious.

Into the 1980s! I am here for another 24 hours….

Writing Time: March 2021 Style

Monday nights used to be my time. It started when my second child was little and continued rather regularly for a long time with a short pause after my third child was born. There were times when I would get all afternoon and evening, usually at a coffee house or a Panera until it closed at 9 or 10 pm or until they kicked me out.

In the beginning, I did not have a computer. I had notebooks and pens, colored gel pens were my favorite. Remembering back, this was in the early 2000s before smart phones. It was just me, my notebooks, pens and usually a tasty drink and maybe dinner. I was working on writing a children’s book and even joined a writer’s group to improve my writing and get feedback. The children’s book idea sits in a folder, put on hold. I shared the beginning pages with my writing group, not realizing that sharing a first draft was not what they anticipated. The feedback was difficult to hear. Some were kinder with their feedback than others. They all tried to do it in a constructive manner but I remember one person just slamming my idea, asking, “What is it? An adventure story, information on homeschooling, or ….” She tried to tell me that I couldn’t combine concepts in one book. I put the book away, knowing in time, I would pick it up again. I really hadn’t thought about it until recently as I opened my cabinet to collect some journals and saw the binder with the title.

I remember the excitement I felt when I first had a lap top to take on my Monday writing nights. I had also had created the idea for a parenting website shortly after my first child was born and sketched out ideas for it: Mommy, Daddy, STOP: Parenting our children, our parents and ourselves. I think the tag line came later. I can’t say for sure. I had been working in adult and geriatric pysical rehab and so caregiving for elderly along with children was viewed side by side for me from the start of my parenting journey.

This week, I have been blessed with 3 1/2 continuous writing days. Just me, on the 17th floor with an amazing ocean view. Here I am with ,a collection of childhood journals, my Spotify play lists, my lap top, walking shoes, and food. Last time I came to this very resort, for 2 nights, just a year and a half ago, late September 2019. I dreamed of coming back and am so glad I made it happen. 2 walls of floor to ceiling winders with a view of the city and the ocean, it’s my ideal location. Something magical about both a city as well as the ocean, each with its own mesmorizing charm. Somehow I will figure how to share pictures on my iPhone onto my Mac Book. It sounds like it should be easy, but I haven’t found that to be true. Guess I need a MacBook tutorial. No time for that, I must write!!

Today, day 2, I created a play list from my 1984-1987 journal. I found pages of song lyrics I had hand written. This was from listening to songs on the radio, recording them and playing them back!!! I had a small collection of cassette tape albums but they did not always contain the lyrics. In addition to the those songs, I found a list of my favorites and a billboard top 10 countdown list for Friday, June 229, 1984 which I wrote as I listened to the live radio broadcast playing each of the songs from 10 to 1.

• #10 State of Shock…Michael Jackson and Mic Jagger
• #9 It’s a Miracle……Culture Club
• #8. Bringing on the heartbreak…. Def Leppard
• #7. Almost Paradise….
• #6 Ghostbusters… Ray Parker Junior
• #5. Farewell My Summer Love… Michael Jackson
• #4 Going Round n Round …. Rat
• #3 Borderline… Madonna. (my notes: “superific”. “love it!”my song”
• #2. The Reflex…….. Duran Duran(my notes: a little too long)

Drum Roll Please….

The number 1 song on Friday June 29- 1984 at 10:36pm is:

Jam on It by Nucleus

copied from my journal entry, just missing the stars and the circles that surround the number one song

My side notes for Jam on It:

(Jam only) ha-he-ha!

Tina & my song!- our favorite (she likes it) (It’s ok very weird- typical -untypical song)

Ricky- wacky- wicky

Chant- beat song! Jam only!

Now 10:38 starting to get sick of it.

My journal was full of these kinds of insights to my 14 year old self. After my long walk, listening to the songs, I returned to read the rest of the journal. It was really a collection of notebooks I had put together. I read that I did that in the journal from a 1987 entry. The loos leaf pages are in a blue hard bound spiral notebook with a large sticker across the front from a bottom to top slant, “Mystery Fun House*****ORLANDO, FLORIDA”

There is a story that I wrote with a post date of “84-85” entitled,

A story….by Gina Menzo

I haven’t read the story yet. It is 6 1/2 hand written, in cursive, pages (9×11 notebook size paper) That will be interesting to read.

And I still have a file box size case full of journals from 1979- 1992. At home I have an identical size box with 1992+ journals. Most of my journals in the past 15-20 years are scattered about in various notebooks and journals of varying sizes on shelves, cupboards, my closet and then there are all my digital entries I created from the first lap top I used, much stored on a pen drive… that I hope is not lost. Somehow I thought I could go through all the journals in the box I brought along with the notebook from the same time period. I wish I could just poof it into digital format. Yet, seeing my handwriting has a nostalgia of it’s own.

My vision is that inspirations and excerpts from these journals become transformed through me into a book.

I looked up and realized it is now dark outside, my lights obscure my wonderful beach front view. And so this post comes to a close as merely an introduction to my writing process. Thank you for joining me in my writing journey and my new endeavor unearthing gems in my childhood journals. My plan is to take time at home to continue this process. I will find a way to create a safe space for unearthing more journals and writing as I do, listening to the songs of my past.

I love hearing others stories about journaling and child hood writing and memorabilia. Please share and comment! Who knows, maybe your words will be included in my book.

November 1, 2019 Part1: the waiting is the hardest part

Neale Donald Walsch had CABG surgery on this very day 3 years ago.

I learned that from a Facebook friend who I recently connected with on a more personal level when I learned she created a curriculum based on NDW Conversation with God books.

“Nothing happens in the first hour”, the cardiac surgery Nurse practitioner told me yesterday.

Don went to ER about 6:30 for his 7:15am surgery. To have a triple coronary artery bypass graft. CABG x3.

It is now 8:06 am

It is now 8:10am

My oldest woke up and my youngest was on discord on the server so I saw she was awake and so I got to text with them and also my sister-in-law.

I choose a “daily mix 1” for my music this morning.

Music is my meditation.

The randomness of playing songs that I did not specifically chose is how the universe speaks to me, how God speaks to me, how my angels speak to me, how my loved ones speak to me, both those here on this earth and those beyond.

For some reason the internet is is frozen and my song won’t play and the messages I just sent to a few people are stuck in mid- stream

Maybe it is time for me to be in the quiet…

The quiet of a surgical waiting area… with 18 people in it.

I am still surprised how small this waiting area is for the size of the hospital.

My dad had back surgery at the other local major hospital and the waiting room felt more like an airport waiting area. Now that I say that out loud… I guess smaller can be better. I just wish they had a soft reclining chair for me to sit in.

I can leave the waiting area. They have my phone number and will call me with updates. I kind of hope that i get an update from a person from the surgical team and not just the receptionist. They do that on Grey’s Anatomy.

Code blue on coronary care unit, 6th floor.

That is where Don was 8 1/2 years ago. The CCU

He won’t need the CCU this time.

Now they are canceling the code blue.

Sending love and healing to the CCU and their family members.

I am now chatting with my 10 year old via text. Handling OCD and anxiety when mom and dad are not home is an added challenge but my child is rising to the occasion.

The waiting room gets busier and I will be talking more with my kids and family and friends.

I am empowered to write in the moment and this is one of those life changing moments.

The anesthesiologist told us that he will heal faster because he is young and that things should go very well and he is low risk for any complications from anesthesiology.

We found out Don’s family had no problems with anesthesia in their past. Genetic factors play a part in all of this.

For Don’s coronary arteries, genetics plays a HUGE part.

Never smoked, never overweight, rarely drinks,

Eats healthy…well he has improved his diet greatly over the years… he did have his fried apple pie and coke breakfast phase in his 20s. He didn’t meet me until he was 34 and so his diet improved at age 34.

Here we are.

It has been a long journey since May 4, 2011 when we first learned, the hard way, that he had heart disease.

it is 9:06 am. 1 hour ago, they told me surgery had started.

I guess 7- 8 was prep time. I am not sure what is considered the “start of surgery”

My playlist plays:

• Along Comes a Woman from Chicago 17….I love Peter Cetera
• John Denver..we both love John Denver
• Fleetwood Mac .. Monday Morning (today is Friday.. but Fleetwood Mac!)

And now…

• Longer by Dan Folgelberg
• I”ll Be Around by Carly Simon

Call me crazy, but I believe Don is speaking to me through songs.

I believe we can connect on a spiritual level while he is sedated, under general anesthesia…right now.

I heard him speak to me 8 years ago…in this very hospital, through song

Not sure about this one!

• Slip Slidin’ Away, Paul Simon.. Don’s sense of humor is what lets me know he is ok

We have been together for 25 years and our kids are growing up… the years are moving forward.

This waiting area needs an exercise room, with yoga mats.

I need to create that for all waiting areas.

Who want to sit in an arm chair for hours?

Maybe the orthopedic surgeons set this up, to have back surgery patients…just kidding

I did my stretches and yoga positions anyhow…

Sun salutation with my headphones on

As I swing my hips to the music and mouth all the words…

Harrison is heading to the house and will then be heading here.

It will be good to have my oldest, nearly 22 year old son with me for the rest of this time and for the post op parts. For when we see dad slowly wake from anesthesia.

Someone in scrubs comes in to talk to a a family and I get hopeful

“I want to break to free”

“God knows I want to break free”

“I have fallen in love.”

“I have fallen in love for the first time and this time it’s for real”

Don knows how much I love Queen.

Meet Don

Born October 5, 1958 in St. Louis, MO

Born to Regina and Harold Grothoff

The sixth child born in the family and the last born, the baby.

Don is 61 years old today as he undergoes his first surgery in his life.

Triple Coronary Artery Bypass Graft, CABG x3

Warning: graphic description ahead…

His chest is cracked open at his sternum

They have spread his ribs apart and…

And Lobo sings, “I’d Love You to Want Me”

I forgot about this song.

I love this song.

His blood is run through a heart lung machine

And they stop his heart….

…they induce cardiac arrest

My heart stops remembering when his heart stopped in our living room

Or went into abnormal fatal heart rhythm as it desperately tried to keep him alive..

“Do you want to dance” by Bette Miller

I have never heard this song before.

Don and I love to dance

I am eager to hear the next song and want to rush through them.

I resist

My oldest sends me a picture of our outside guard cat preventing him from parking in my parking space in our driveway.

“Everything I Own” by Bread

Don is dreaming of bread, full of gluten… real bread…and so am I

I tried to research CABG procedure because I am pretty sure he goes on a heart and lung machine… but wanted to be sure before I added that description

People get called up to speak with surgery team members, people wearing scrubs including scrub hats

Families get brought into “consultation rooms”

I sit, knowing it will be awhile.

I hear a surgeon speak to a woman in the waiting area.

Does that mean they only take people to consultation rooms if it’s bad news?

Or does it just mean that this surgeon didn’t take the time to bring her to a consult room.

Or maybe he had a simple procedure.

“Oklahoma Hills ” Argo Guthrie sings in my ear

Oklahoma?

OK

Does this mean Don is ok?

“Cowboy life”

That makes me laugh…

Don as a cowboy

“Love, soft as an easy chair. Love shared by two… I have found with you.”

Barbara Streisand?

Pretty song… yet, are they playing elevator music in the operating room?

Surely not…

Humor… going with humor again

People come and go in the waiting room.

I sit and wait.

I look around and see different people then when I arrived 3 hour ago.

Three hours? Is it really almost 10am ??

There are a few people who have been here almost as long as me.

Where is Harrison?

I need him here when they come to update me.

He hasn’t answered my texts since our discussion of our guard cat.

He is doing the dishwasher now and then will head here

I asked him, last night, to do that.

This morning, I don’t really care about the dishwasher getting unloaded…

But with our clogged sink… it helps …I guess.

Let the roads be free and clear for his safe travel here.

“Did you grab and apple and a fig bar from the pantry?” I ask him again.

I paid over $5 for water this morning. Buy one 20oz bottle and get the second for $1.

So I paid $4 for a bottle of water?

Oh my…

There is the Mediciad application that I really need to fill out for the kids.

As of today, my two kids have no health insurance because I “make too much money”

I got the letter from NC MEdicaid/ NC Health Choice one month before I lost nearly all of my hours at work. I went from 30-40 hours per week all summer to a week of 0 hours. My next paycheck will be about $500 for 2 weeks. I was called off for many days that I had signed up for and lost all my regular weekend hours. I have worked nearly every Saturday and Sunday for them for the past 1 1/2 years… It is not the company per se… it is healthcare, sick care…

She walked over to me this time, with a smile on her face!

I quickly removed my ear buds and she told me,

“They called to let you know that he is still in surgery, and everything is…..

……going as planned.

Phew….

Frantically, I text the groups of people who I am updating.

…First Harrison,

….And then Text messages to Don’s siblings

….and messenger message to my sibling and my parents

“Song song sung blue… sleeping on my pillow”.

I need to move around.

Been sitting too long

Hey everybody, lets do some yoga!

Time to get out of your chairs and move!

Sitting still is not good for you.

We could dance! I will pull up a play list…

Just heard the lyrics….

“Got my man on my mind…”. Carly Simon was singing the song Man on My Mind

More messages.

“Hello girl it’s been a while. Guess you’ll be glad to know that I have learned how to laugh and smile.”

Paul Davis, I Go Crazy

“When I look in your eyes, I still go crazy. My heart just can not hide that old feeling inside.”

I am eager to talk to Don to see if he remembers anything from his slumber time.

Harrison is on his way.

I continue to debate ending this post vs continuing until they are finished with surgery.

And the battery on my Bluetooth keyboard falls out again. I lost the back to the battery area in the hustle of the past 4 days.

Four days…

Life changed late Monday night… It was after midnight, Tuesday Oct 29, when I went up to bed and Don told me:

” I don’t feel right. I have pain in my chest and I am feeling tingling across my shoulders and down my arm.”

Authority Song

John Mellencamp

“Dying to me don’t sound like all that much fun”

Time to get up and move.. this is a dancing song

“Said, Oh no… no no no”

“I fight authority and authority always wins”

Now I am laughing more. Don resists western medicine and yet here he is.

New song

“Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe…

And to love you…”

My butt is sore… I missed dancing with Mellencamp.

Move, Gina.

Right here, write now…I live

I write because I must

I write for my own healing

I write to share my experiences

I write hoping my experiences might help others

I write because writing is how I figure out my feelings

I write because it is my creative outlet

I write because it is my passion

I write for my sanity

I awoke about 3am

Peri-menopause

Bipolar 2 Depression

Parenting

Children with special needs

Just when we thought we had a grasp on their needs….

Just when we thought we had an understanding of how to best help them…

Anxiety

Public speaking anxiety

Today my husband and I are giving a short presentation for 40-50 people

I secretly hope only 10 show up, despite my desire to grow our new business

I try to explain my fear to someone who loves and lives for public speaking

“It’s is like being in a room with 40-50 snakes”, I tell my husband.

I don’t know that he can really understand

Only those who experience something themselves can truly understand

…Any issue, challenge, fear, experience

Parenting

My greatest love

My greatest challenge

Myself

Dealing with the demons in my mind,

Dealing with my anxieties,

Taming my “ego” the nay-saying voice that keeps me from being who I truly am

Embracing where I am

Embracing who I am

Being who I am

Right here and right now

Dreaming

Envisioning

Manifesting

Creating

The grandest vision of the greatest version of who I am

Hope when you take that jump
You don’t fear the fall
Hope when the water rises
You built a wall
Hope when the crowd screams out
They’re screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love
And it hurts so bad (Yeah)
The only way you can know
You gave it all you had
And I hope that you don’t suffer
But take the pain
Hope when the moment comes,
You’ll say

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
Yeah with every broken bone
I swear I lived

I’d like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony

Hope that you spend your days
But they all add up
And when that sun goes down
Hope you raise your cup
I wish that I could witness
All your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes
I’ll say

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
Yeah with every broken bone
I swear I lived

I’d like to teach the world to sing

Thank you, One Republic, for writing and singing this amazing song.

Challenges to Change: we can miss the writing on the wall

Inspiration happens in many ways.

I often listen to music as I write and when a song captures my attention, it sparks something within me, and I begin writing, finding my own meaning in the words.

Growin’ up you don’t see the writing on the wall
Passin’ by, movin’ straight ahead you knew it all
But maybe sometime if you feel the pain,
You’ll find you’re all alone everything has changed

In my journey of self discovery, I have been reconnecting with old friends.

This time, I met up with someone I had known for years from when I began homeschooling. We first met about 14 years ago. We saw each other when our kids had shared interests and therefore we found ourselves at the same events. This is typically how I have met people and have made friends over the years of homeschooling my kids. We knew each other and became Facebook friends yet never spent time together as friends. Life circumstances connected us more, yet our connection remained virtual.

You know how you meet someone and feel an instant connection?

I knew I liked her from the time I first met her, yet our paths never led us to getting together with our kids.

We got together and what I intended to be a casual meet up turned into a 4 hour conversation with us discovering we had so much in common, our lives had taken similar paths and we found ourselves sharing things we had never shared with anyone before.

We both talked about becoming a mom and how it changed us.

I always wanted to be a mom.

I remember looking forward to the day when I would have my own daughter, and imagined what she would be like.

I remember going to college with a new passion for this field of study I had chosen, yet I always envisioned that I would work for a few years until I had children.

I found myself enjoying being an Occupational Therapist and happy with the field I had choose. When my husband decided he wanted to go into business for himself as he was tired of the corporate world, we talked about having children, and I recall telling my co-workers, it doesn’t matter who stays home with the child. Dad staying home with the child is just as good as mom.My co-workers with children disagreed.

After 3 1/2 years of marriage and a year of my husband left his job to grow his own business, our first child was born.

I didn’t have that instant connection with my child the way I have heard people describe. I loved him from the start and was so excited to be a mom, yet it took me time to develop the sense of a strong connection.

At the end of my twelve week maternity leave I found myself saying,

What have I done? I don’t want to leave my baby and go back to work!

Life changes us

We talked about how if someone had told us years ago that this is what our life would be like now, we would never have believed them.

Play the game you know you can’t quit until it’s won
Soldier of only you can do what must be done
You know, in some ways you’re a lot like me
You’re just a prisoner, and you’re tryin’ to break free

I can see a new horizon underneath the blazing sky
I’ll be where the eagle’s flying higher and higher 
Gonna be your man in motion
All I need is a pair of wheels
Take me where the future’s lying St. Elmo’s fire 

Burning up don’t know just how far that I can go 
Soon be home only just a few miles down the road
And I can make it, I know I can
You broke the boy in me, but you won’t break the man

I also enjoy discovering why a song was written and the author’s meaning.

In a search for the meaning for this song, I found this information on song facts

David Foster and John Parr wrote this song specifically for the movie St. Elmo’s Fire, but the song itself is about a Canadian athlete named Rick Hansen, who was paralyzed from the waist down after a car crash when he was 15. On March 21, 1985 Hansen began his “Man In Motion” tour, traveling about 70 miles a day to raise money for spinal cord research. At first, Hansen had trouble getting media attention and donations, but when this song was released with the movie in June, it became his anthem, and as the song rose up the charts, interest in Hansen’s journey grew. By the time the “Man In Motion” tour was completed on May 22, 1987, Hansen had put over 40,000 Kilometers (24,856 miles) on his wheelchair in 34 countries on four continents, raising $26 million. He became a national hero in Canada, where he is closely associated with this song.

How ironic

My children’s anxiety disorders and my own undiagnosed Bipolar Depression, paralyzed our family.

Now, my husband and I have created a business to help other people struggling in the ways that we did.

I am passionate about educating people on mental illness and in particular Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I have really enjoyed digging into this song because I found so much behind it.

St. Elmo’s Fire describes a weather phenomenon involving a gap in electrical change.

It is a phenomena that looks like dangerous fire, and is an electric charge, but in reality, it does not give you an electric shock the way lightening can.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, OCD, is a condition in which the brain tells a person that they are in eminent danger, when in reality they are not.

My life has had many challenges and twists and turns.

The unexpected challenges and changes in my life have led me to where I am now.

I now feel like I am being the person I was always meant to be.

And I am so excited to move forward in my journey…

I can see a new horizon underneath the blazing sky
I’ll be where the eagle’s flying higher and higher
Gonna be your man in motion
All I need is a pair of wheels
Take me where the future’s lying St. Elmo’s fire

I can climb the highest mountain, cross the widest sea
I can feel St. Elmo’s fire burning in me, burning in me
Just once in his life a man has his time
And my time is now I’m comin’ alive

Changes in Healthcare, Changes in Me

Twisted Sister sings to me as I research the history of changes in rehabilitation services under Medicare. The more I research, the more validation I am finding in my experience and opinions. And the more I feel the importance of speaking out…

We’ve got the right to choose it

There ain’t no way we’ll lose it

This is our life, this is our song…

I have worked in the “health care system” for over 27 years, known to many of my like-minded friends as the “sick- care system”.

My career has been taken over by government entities who have changed the reimbursement system for skilled therapy services for the second time in 20 years.

The insurance industry is the one who runs the show and now decides how long the patients need therapy services.

When I began my career, after graduating from a certified and well respected Occupational Therapy program at Elizabethtown College, part of my role as an evaluating therapist was/is to determine the need for skilled Occupational Therapy, set goals, monitor progress, and determine when there is no longer the need for skilled services.

I now have very little say in how long someone receives therapy services in adult and geriatric rehab under Medicare Part A services, at skilled nursing facilities where most of short term rehabilitation now happens.

Twenty-seven years ago, physical rehabilitation began at rehabilitation hospitals. Now, most people can no longer head from the hospital to an acute care rehab hospital, as the changes in PPS in 1999/2000 changed the criteria for admission to acute rehabilitation facilities pushing people to go for rehabilitation at nursing homes, with the new tittle of “sub acute rehab”.

Why did this happen?

From my perspective as an Occupational Therapist who has been practicing for 27 years and has lived through these changes, the mighty dollar has taken higher priority than quality patient care.

Sure, the people involved in establishing these changes, the branch of government now known as The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, CMS, including the head of the organization who is appointed by the president, would argue that it is to stop fraud and to improve patient care.

On November 29, 2016, President-elect Donald Trump nominated Verma to serve as administrator of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, the Health Department agency that oversees Medicare, Medicaid, and the insurance markets.^[16] On March 13, 2017, the United States Senate confirmed her nomination in a 55–43 vote.^[17] One of her first actions was to send a letter to the nation’s governors urging them to impose insurance premiums for Medicaid, charge Medicaid recipients for emergency room visits, and encourage recipients to get jobs or job training.

Patient’s Over Paperwork:

Taken directly from the CMS.gov website:

Reduce unnecessary regulatory burden to allow providers to concentrate on their primary mission: improving patient health outcomes.

• CMS Administrator Seema Verma launched the “Patients over Paperwork” initiative in 2017, in accord with President Trump’s Executive Order that directs federal agencies to cut the red tape. This helps patients by allowing doctors and non-physician practitioners to focus on care instead of paperwork.

• CMS is eliminating overly-burdensome and unnecessary regulations and guidance to allow providers and suppliers to focus on their primary mission – improving their patients’ health.

• CMS is removing barriers to unleashing innovation.

• CMS is partnering with clinicians, providers and suppliers, administrators, support staff and beneficiaries to ensure we are focusing on the needs of patients.

I call “Bullshit!”

Suppliers and beneficiaries?

Is that code for health insurance companies?

I have MORE paperwork than I did 27 years ago and will have even more now with these new changes and have less time for actual patient care.

This is my favorite part of this information:

Our actions have delivered results

• Saved the healthcare system at least $5.7 billion through 2021.

• Eliminated at least 40 million hours of burden through 2021 giving that time back to providers and suppliers to spend with their patients and not on needless paperwork.

• Heard from over 2,000 clinicians, administrative staff and leaders, and beneficiaries through listening sessions and in-person visits throughout the country.

“Saved the healthcare system at least $5.7 billion through 2021”

Who have they saved $5.7 billion for?

THE INSURANCE COMPANIES!

And these changes both with PPS in 1999 and now in 2019 with PDPM have directly affected the lives of the healthcare professionals who provide these services.

There is a HUGE difference between rehabilitation services in 1992 and what is now happening in 2019.

I worked in an Acute Rehabilitation Hospital in 1992, my first job out of college. It was a great learning experience and an excellent facility. Sure, I hated many aspects of working for this large hospital system, yet I would not change beginning my career there. I left after three years to escape the strict schedule and stress of hospital policies.

I took a job in a Nursing home that had both long term care and “sub-acute care”, the new buzzword for rehabilitation services. My new job had flexible hours and a 35% pay increase. Yet, I soon found out that my role of being a skilled Occupational Therapist looked very different in this new setting and I had to spend less time being a skilled therapist and without the environment of a rehabilitation setting where the focus was on patient care and rehabilitation. And without all the necessary tools to do my job and the experienced professionals that I was surrounded by at my prior job.

I have been working in adult and geriatric physical rehabilitation since that time in various settings including nursing homes with “sub acute rehabs”, home health, and outpatient centers for assisted living and independent living residents.

When the PPS system was being developed, I agreed that there needed to be a change. Yet, the change was from one extreme to the other. The results were not better patient care, but less staff to patient ratios, a shift from quality of care to the number of minutes of therapy equating to a dollar amount, affecting not only the patients but also the staff whose job was to provide needed care for these patients.

Five years after I began working in nursing homes, I suffered a pay cut, reduction in benefits, and was shuffled to different facilities. My position moved from working 4 miles from my home with a 32 hour work week, hours reduced at my request to have time with my 2 year old child and still have full time benefits; to traveling to 2 different facilities in one day, traveling 147 miles round trip each day. I had an amazing boss at the time who negotiated some extra pay in addition to the standard pay for travel between the two facilities.

After traveling like this 5 days each week for a while, she then helped me to switch to working 4 days a week rather than 5 days to return to something closer to my “reduced 32 hour week”.

My other option, was to loose my job. Everyone was cutting staff. There weren’t many jobs to be found.

I spent 9 months searching for a new job. I eventually got a job offer for part time work in home health care which gave me more freedom in some ways but also evolved into traveling a larger area to see patients in 3 different NC counties, Stanley, Union, and Anson. I live in the corner of Mecklenburg county where it meets Stanley, Union, and Cabarrus Counties (see image below: Mecklenburg county is the pink county on far left)

Flash forward to 2019:

Over the past several months, everyone has been talking about the new reimbursement system, PDPM, Patient Driven Payment Model.

I wasn’t very worried about it, listening to my fellow therapists and co-workers “panic” and share the information they had from other employers and our mutual employer. I had gone through changes in the reimbursement system before. I have had issues with this system, and knew a change was needed. I wasn’t surprised that the change would be a pendulum swing to the opposite end of the spectrum.

For the second time in my career, my rate of pay is being reduced.

I had about a months notice for this pay reduction. 3% pay decrease starting October 1, 2019.

“This is minor compared to what I went through in 2000” I told my young coworkers.

From everything I heard, I was not too worried. It appeared that my employer was handling it calmer than other places. I felt secure because even though I am a prn employee, working on an as needed basis, I have had 30-40 hours of work lately because one full time therapist has been on medical leave. And, had plenty of hours before that happened. They needed me.

I knew I would likely have less hours. I was aware of the industry push to use less prn employees and have full timers flex hours and work weekends. This concept had affected me already at my last job less than 2 years ago.

I work primarily weekends because that his been my only semi-guaranteed way to get hours.

Because of the anticipated change, I had been working as many hours as needed while they were available. I typically worked between 15-25 hours before and now began working 30-40 hours. I had several weeks where I had to pay close attention to my hours so as not to go into overtime. Paying prn employees overtime is a big no-no in healthcare. As a prn employee, I have no benefits and so my rate of pay is higher than full time therapists. Yet, my higher rate of pay is the same prn rate as it was 22 years ago.

Flash forward to Monday, September 20, 2019:

11:16 am: I received a text saying I was not needed to come in for the 2-3 hours of work that I had agreed to on Friday. Not surprising, this happens all the time.

My reply:

OK, Hoping I will still be needed Friday with XXXXX having the day off, I had agreed to cover for her.

Working prn, my boss confirms if I am needed to work the next day. If I don’t hear, I check in to confirm I am needed to work. This has been the typical practice for years and across several employers. I have always been frustrated by last minute call-offs, but despite my efforts to change this, the best result I have gotten has been a confirmation text the day before. My current boss has been the most consistent with this practice and this employer has been my best experience working prn in a nursing home/rehab center.

I was then told that I would not be needed on Friday, And likely for the weekend as well.

There were changes that even my boss wasn’t expecting.

I like my current employer and am happy I am working for this company and not somewhere else. I share this because this is an across the board change affecting all of the Occupational, Physical, and Speech Language Therapists who work in rehabilitation where Medicare is the primary reimbursement system.

As is always the case, the need for prn coverage changes constantly and usually, how much help is needed, is not known until the day before because of fluctuations in the census.

This is good, I can now devote more time to the business my husband and I have recently started.

But wait, we are finally out of major credit care debt and I have been working extra hours to pay off debt and to build our savings.

This is good, Gina, the universe is telling you, once again, to pour your time and energy into your new business and writing pursuits.

Will I have any hours over the next week?

I have no idea.

Surely, they will need me once the census picks up.

Right?

We’ll fight the powers that be, just
Don’t pick our destiny ’cause
You don’t know us, you don’t belong

Oh, we’re not gonna take it
No, we ain’t gonna take it
Oh, we’re not gonna take it anymore

Oh, you’re so condescending
Your gall is never ending
We don’t want nothin’, not a thing from you

Your life is trite and jaded
Boring and confiscated
If that’s your best, your best won’t do

It will be ok, Gina, you can finally write more and work on the book that has been inside of you for so long.

It will be ok, Don and I have come along way with our new business and have speaking engagements set up and we are working with a business coach.

This is time to step up and dive in to a new chapter of my career as an Occupational Therapist. I can use my experience and talents in a new way and outside the healthcare system.

Sending Big Waves into Motion, releasing secrets

Relax, renew, rejuvenate and recharge, take 2.

I am at the beach all by myself. I have never done this before. I’ve been here for 6 hours and I am finally sitting down to write. It has taken me this long to settle in, move from the shock and excitement of actually being here, all by myself. And finally, focusing on here and now.

I texted and made videos and took pictures and FaceTimed my youngest, while exploring my room at the top of the resort building, while walking in the beach and pier. I felt kind of lonely when I got here. I always come to the beach with my kids or at least my husband. One time the two of us went, well, before kids, I guess we went several times. Who can remember 22 years ago before kids?

I have everything I need for my adventure, inspiring books, music, healthy and yummy food, drinks, did you know you can get wine in a can?

As I packed my bag to head to the beach to write, I realized that I forgot my Bluetooth key board that I use with my iPad. My iPad, has been my computer for a while now… years, I guess. Something else that I can’t quite remember.

I have a lap top, buried in books and papers on my desk. It is old and I used to use it often, but decided I liked my iPad much better.

I found myself responding to a post on a Facebook group, Unschooling Special Needs, earlier and it has inspired my writing today.

There are so many things I can write about. Yet, the concerns shared in the post on the Unschooling Special Needs group are so close to my heart and the reason my husband and I now have a business together helping families with challenges, especially those with anxiety issues and challenging behavior with their children.

I have Bipolar 2 Depression. My upswings, are hypomania, not full on mania (well, it can escalate to mania). Hypomania is great, highly focused, functioning and much energy! Yet, the downswing is like the riptide pulling you under the ocean water.

Helping my children with their struggles is extra challenging for me because of my struggles. I can’t even imagine what it must be like for my husband.

In three weeks I celebrate my 50th birthday. I am proud and excited to reach this milestone! Seriously, I am. With age, has common not only wisdom, but confidence, clarity, courage and healing.

I always make time to write when I have come to the beach with my family. I have wonderful memories being here with my family. And I also have memories of stress, anxiety, OCD flare ups, and the feeling of disappointment that we couldn’t just have a “normal family vacation” without the anxieties.

Here I am now, writing and also texting with my tech support son. I might have him help me locate a key pad. Typing on the iPad screen is slow.

It’s getting dark and the sound of the ocean is mesmerizing me.

When I was younger, I would never have gone somewhere like this by myself. The silence of being alone was challenging for me. I now cherish time to myself. I still love the sounds of people talking, and my music, Tom Petty and now Mary Lambert sing in my ear..which is even more beautiful with the sound of the ocean.

They tell us from the time we’re young
To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I’m over it

I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)

Life Detour: Hurricane Dorian rains on my parade

I was looking forward to two nights at a Myrtle Beach beachfront resort with a “limited view”. I planed this trip just one week prior to going. We have a time share and we had 700 points that would expire at the end of September. I have been working 40 hours per week as an Occupational therapist when typically I work about 20 hours, give or take 5-10.

I work PRN, as needed, and so I have no required hours but no guaranteed hours. I have not had my Monday afternoon/nights out for writing because of my working hours and fatigue after a 7-10 hour day working in adult and geriatric rehab. I love my work as an OT, yet it can be mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. And then I go home to my family of 2 kids living at home, husband, 2 dogs, 2 inside cats and 3 outside cats, and I have a 21 year old child and he and his fiancé now live on their own and I am close to both of them, help them when needed like to move into their new apartment last month. I love my family, they are my priority. I have learned I must take care of me in order to be there for all of them.

I can book my points – based time share online, viewing available resorts. I found 2 options for my three day stretch without scheduled work hours. One on the beach with a “limited beach view” and the other at a resort 15 minutes from the beach. After debating it, because the beachside resort would mean I use additional points, meaning less points for the spring when I hope to have a get away with my husband for our anniversary, and with the encouragement of my ten year old who said, “Mom you deserve to be on the beach”, I booked 2 nights on the beach.

I debated paying the $50 points protection fee so I could cancel or reschedule at anytime and not loose the points. I opted not to get the points protection.

Hurricane Dorian began to threaten my plans a few days ago as models predicted it’s path shifting from across central Florida to the Carolina Coast. I fretted over loosing my points and the disappointment of not going to the beach all by myself for 3 days.

My husband said, “Call and ask if you can reschedule.”

“No, I can’t. I didn’t pay for points protection.” Was my defeated reply.

Yesterday I anxiously watched the storm tracking news and updates online. I kept hoping it would disappear out to sea or even move west across Florida. I felt guilty wishing the latter, not wanting people in Florida to suffer, yet, that would mean I could still likely go to the beach.

I woke this morning feeling defeated as the weather news informed me the storm was sitting over the Bahamas as a large category 5 hurricane, the worst kind, and projected to head up along the coast, likely not making landfall, yet strongly impacting the coast.

I debated the safety of still going, as they did not predict impact until Thursday and I could always leave Wednesday if I needed to.

Apparently, I know nothing about hurricanes along the coast.

After posting on Facebook inquiring from my Carolina coastal friends and then messaging a few people for spiritual guidance for my internal dilemma, I sat on the bed and tapped, EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique.

“Call the resort!”

And so I did.

“It’s ok. We are under mandatory evacuation and have to clear out by noon today. You won’t loose your points.”

She was friendly despite the urgency of evacuating the resort within 5 hours. I asked some more questions and discovered all I needed to do was call the time share company tomorrow, today is Labor Day, and I could reschedule or cancel and not loose my points by just telling them there was a mandatory evacuation.

Relief.

No decision to make.

I decided to not let Dorian “Rain on my parade” and decided I would make other plans.

I can choose to not work the next three days. Sure, it is easier to say “No” to last minute requests to work when you are out of town, but I can also choose to not work. I have scheduled work hours for Friday and Saturday this week and had just worked a 5 day stretch: Thursday through today, Monday, Labor Day.

I had told myself, I can happily work though the long holiday weekend, knowing that afterwards I would be off for 3 days and at the beach all by myself!

Much needed respite and rejuvenation for a busy mother of 3 with writing goals and career pursuits outside my current job. Did I mention I homeschool my kids? And my kids and I have anxiety/ depression disorders.

I needed to get away!

I worked today and decided to think about other options for my three days, talking with co-workers and my patients to share my challenge and also gain other ideas and confirm outloud my intention to be off work and “on vacation” for the next three days.

I live in a beautiful city, Charlotte, NC, located 176 miles from Myrtle Beach, a three hour drive. The weather has been beautiful and cooler than usual the past few days, mid to upper 80s, down from the mid to high 90s we had for most of July and August.

I enjoyed being home after work with my family and had time with my kittens who have been quarantined to the basement for a few days, after finding some fleas on them.

I debated my options for the next few days and chatted with my husband. I wanted to make a plan and not let the next three days slip through my hands. My husband remained onboard for giving me vacation time and planned to take care of things, asking only to take our youngest to a therapy appointment Wednesday morning at 10am rather than take her with him to several of his business appointments.

“It is Monday night, I can go out to a coffee house and have me time to plan.”

I ate a quick dinner and packed my writing tools and planner book, and “don’t forget my headphones!”

I arrived at the coffee house where I first had time out for a writing club meet up and had first spent time writing. I used to write with colored pens in notebooks, because I did not yet have a laptop. The place was rather empty, yet it is Labor Day.

“Are you still open until 10?” I inquired.

“eight”

It was 7:45. I debated what drink to order and then sat outside at the picnic tables to decide what to do now. Google search. Amelie’s is open 24 hours, I recalled seeing it on my phone. Wow, they have many locations now.

I looked up the original location, not far from where I was and checked to confirm the hours. I called them. The recorded voice stated, “We are open 24 hours 365 days per year.” I could not connect to a live person.

24 hours, 365 days a year

They will be open!

I followed Waze to drive there, because I like the certainty of following a map app.

I realized it was taking me near uptown, Charlotte has an “uptown” rather than a downtown.

I checked to see if that was the best way to go.

The sun was setting and I was enjoying the drive with my sun roof and windows open, my hair blowing, listening to loud music on Spotify.

I love this city. It is beautiful and such a beautiful night.

Oh yeah, and I love “uptown”! The city life with tall buildings, sidewalks for easy pedestrian travel with a all kinds of people bustling about. My route took me skirting the beltway that circles our small yet rapidly growing downtown/ uptown.

I had already had the thought to spend one day, taking the new light rail into the city, and now finalized the idea to spend a day uptown at a coffee shop to write.

I love the skyline of a city and with the clear Carolina blue sky at sunset tonight, it was breathtaking.

Take a picture of it!

I was almost off the beltway but was able to capture one tall building in the sunset as I was stopped at the light at my exit.

I love the beach, my first choice destination, yet I can find beauty in other places and inspiration to write.

I have overcome another obstacle in life, finding peace and light in the detour.

I spent my life trying to answer to the voice inside my head
But all I found were empty questions from a time that I forget

I learned my lesson, it was wrong of me to look so far ahead
I’ll count my blessings one by one, I’ll live a life I won’t regret

And now I finally see the future’s right in front of me, yeah
And now I finally see the future’s right in front of me, yeah

Everybody Hurts, Sometimes

Life gets messy at times

We all experience ups and downs and for those for us with Bipolar Depression, this experience is exaggerated often to the point of dysfunction.

For me, it is to the point of barely getting by, doing just the bare minimum.

Barely functioning, yet somehow making it through each day

Yet, in the bigger picture, it really feels as if this life is not my own.

I am listening to R.E.M. sing.

This song is powerful and propelled me to writing a blog today.

I had no intention of writing a blog but as soon as this song came on, I reached in my bag and pulled out my keyboard.

The music and the lyrics brought me to a place of honesty.

When I was younger, I wanted life to freeze so that I could catch up.

Now, I feel like I am the one who is frozen and life is wizzing by…

I am now taking a mood stabilizing medication along with my antidepressant.

I thought the antidepressant alone was helping until I discovered i was spiraling down again, slowly, yet enough that even calling my doctor to get in to be seen sooner took much effort and then I called and got no response and I wanted to call back again but never did.

And then it was time for my regularly scheduled appointment. She didn’t give me much time to talk this time but quickly jumped to adding a mood stabilizer when I began to describe my experience and was eager to prescribe the same medication that has been working for my brother. I agreed.

It takes time with all of these medications. To avoid side effects, you slowly titrate up the dose and so you won’t see any results for weeks or often months.

She told me to come back in 4 weeks after I had increased the dose to 50mg, after starting at 25 for 2 weeks. I went to check out and schedule the appointment and she did not have any openings for 6 weeks.

So what do you do with that?

They told me to call back in a few weeks to see if there has been any openings.

Why do they make it so challenging for someone with depression to come in as prescribed by the doctor for a medication increase.

Don’t they know how challenging it can be to follow through and make that phone call?

Don’t they know how challenging it is to get a person on their phone system?

Maybe she has an online way to get in touch with her, I think I remember that. If only I could figure out where that information is so I can access that.

Because waiting an extra 2 weeks to up the dose feels like too long.

Why do these small tasks feel so large and overwhelming to me?

I sat here at Panera while eating my dinner and enjoying a Netflix show and watched a young couple at a booth across from me.

They were holding hands and looking at each other. They were not holding their phones and had their full attention on each other with that look of total infatuation and young love. That feeling of connection with someone new. The attention and interest with each other, such intimacy.

I glanced up many times finding joy in their connection.

Depression is like the opposite of intimacy

You fell disconnected, out of touch and invisible.

You feel lost and uncertain and out of touch with your inner feelings.

You are lost in the day to day mundane tasks and use any opportunity to escape from regular life that you can.

“I want to break free

I want to break free from your life’s, you’re so self satisfied, I don’t need you

I want to break free”

Queen sings in my ear and I feel the lyrics

I want to break free from this depression, my depression

I want to be free of this feeling of drowning, of sinking, of being lost and disconnected.

“But life still goes on….”

“I don’t want to live alone…

God knows I have got to make it on my own

So baby can’t you see, I’ve got to break free…”

I made an effort today to jump into my work, reading and researching information for my new business endeavor with my husband.

We have developed a presentation and program for Collaborative, Conscious, Respectful Parenting.

This week we will give our second presentation. We have one client now, a family, from our first presentation we gave about 2 months ago.

We scheduled a second presentation for last month but no one signed up to attend.

It felt easy to pursue this endeavor 4 months ago when we first dove into it.

These past 2 months since that first presentation have been very difficult. When I practice the presentation with Don and we discuss things, I am engaged and energized by the experience and I know I can do this.

Life creeps back in and day to day life and my irregular schedule of getting weekly work from on e of the 3 companies I am employed with and it falls to the background.

A few weeks ago, I took 2 of my children to the dentist. My youngest was 9 before he would allow a dentist to clean his teeth. My oldest had serious trauma from dentists. I have anxiety over taking my kids to the dentist because of those experiences. Taking my youngest to any “professional” is challenging because his typical response is not to be compliant and do what he is told. That is challenging for me in a social setting.

We came out of the appointment having a very easy experience with only my daughter needing to come back to fill a cavity. She has no problems going to the dentist and usually does not have cavities.

I realized after that visit, that if I could survive that and we all did very well, then I could surely speak to a group of people about parenting.

In other worlds, getting through challenging experiences or potentially challenging experiences, helps me to realize that doing what I have longed to do, what my should wants to do, is not really as difficulty as it feels at times.

It feels difficult because it is not what I have been doing for “a living” for the past 25 years. It is outside the realm of my usual working experience.

Yet, is is also within the scope of my work practice and even experience with both adults and my own children.

It is new and new things take time to become comfortable.

I need to slowly figure my way in this new experience.

Don and I bring a unique dynamic because of our personality differences.

I am a big picture person, a dreamer of possibilities, and he is detail oriented, organized and follows through.

I am an introvert and process things internally and through my writing. Don is an extrovert and loves being in front of a large group speaking to people.

I have the background of being in healthcare and he has a business background.

It really is an amazing combination and together we share a passion for helping families. In particular for helping families with anxiety struggles, especially those with children suffering from anxiety related issues which we know effects the entire family dynamic.

It is so fun to see him using the tools that I first discovered years ago when our oldest was young and see him sharing books like, “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk” with his Clients in his EFT practice.

Engaging in this new endeavor with him has been a vision of mine since at least 2011. And yet, struggling with depression, takes a toll on my ability to follow through.

I have the benefit of knowing that I have pulled myself up and out of the depression several times before and so I do have hope that I will again. Despite knowing I am dealing with depression, I am still making small steps forward. Today, after sitting and talking with Don about our next steps we need to take, I felt energized to dive into the next steps. I also knew I needed to get out of the house and dive into a place of quiet where I go to write and do inner exploration and know I can focus solely on myself and my pursuits, knowing Don is home and engaged with the kids and dogs and they can reach me by phone whenever they need to.

David Bowie sings, Changes, as I finish this post tonight.

Changes…