Stop and Smell the Roses

This blog has always been about my journey in this life and through this blog, I process experiences, share my truths in a raw and often unfiltered fashion, and then I post it for all to see as a way for me to use my voice and speak up. I have spent too much of my life being the quiet pretty one. When I decided to create this blog, I made the decision to own my truth and speak it out loud. I made the conscious choice to be vulnerable and true to myself. It was my effort to stop hiding behind being a good girl and doing what I thought I was supposed to do, to behave the way others expected of me.

Reflecting over the past year since my last post, I have come to realize the importance of this blog in my life. I see that I can continue to use this blog as my processing point. When I don’t have an avenue to write and release these pent up feelings and emotions, toxicity builds within me that can lead to depression as well as avoidance and insecurity.

As I have written over the years, I see my growth as a writer and am now more conscious of being more focused and concise in my blog writing. I do see how many of my posts I ramble on. This awareness has impeded my ability to share freely and kept me locked inside and not writing.

I can release my inner truth here and share my edited and more focused blogs on our business page, FocusedHealthyfamily.com .

And for blogs specific to child-lead learning I have a variety of posts including some reflective posts and others that are much more specific and focused with resources and links.

Today, my share comes in the form of the following song which has become my current anthem.

A lot’s been changin’ lately and I can’t tell
If it’s me or if it’s everybody else
But I’m done wastin’ my time on the woe is me bull****
That’s keepin’ me from being myself
So look around and tell me what you want me to see
Maybe you’re the person that you always wanted to be
Why you wanna be a sad boy, waste your time?
Lookin’ for something that was right here all along

I think we’re gettin’ it wrong

It’s too bad
When did it get cool to be so sad?
We’re spinnin’ backwards, did we all go mad?
Yeah, we’re only human but wе’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smеll the **** roses

I said that I would never get what I want (Nope)
But I was only lookin’ for a reason to flaunt
Think I’m over trying to break down everything that comes out
Maybe it’s impossible to know what it means
What’s it like to be a loser, happiness abuser?
Smilin’ at the thought of never livin’ it down
Does it matter if it’s uphill, downhill?
I’m lettin’ it go, I’m lettin’ it out

It’s too bad
When did it get cool to be so sad?
We’re spinnin’ backwards, did we all go mad?
Yeah, we’re only human but we’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the **** roses

It’s too bad
When did it get cool to be so sad?
We’re spinnin’ backwards, did we all go mad?
Yeah, we’re only human but we’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the roses
It’s too bad
When did it get cool to be so sad?
We’re spinnin’ backwards, did we all go mad?
Yeah, we’re only human but we’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the **** roses

(A lot’s been changin’ lately and I can’t tell
If it’s me or if it’s everybody else)
We’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the roses
(So look around and tell me what you want me to see
Maybe you’re the person that you always wanted to be)
We’ve got hands and hearts and noses
So stop and smell the roses

The Band Camino

Help Lexi Overcome the Dark Shadow of OCD

Suicide is the second leading cause of death for young people ages 10-24.

LGBT youth are more than four times more likely to attempt suicide than their peers.

My name is Gina and I am the mother of three amazing children. Two of my children have suffered from a severe mental illness which has led to thoughts of suicide. 

We do not want our child to be just another statistic.

We thought we knew what mental illness was but we really had no idea until OCD invaded our lives. 

OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, can range from mild to severe. Moderate to severe OCD is severely disabling as the obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions consume endless hours, robbing the person of living day to day life.

My older daughter has overcome severe obsessive compulsive disorder yet as a family we struggled for years to get her the help she needed. It robbed her of the innocence of  childhood.  My older daughter is 21 now and is employed and living on her own. Yet, she has large gaps in her memory of her childhood during the time that she most suffered. For my younger daughter, severe OCD is still a real issue. 

Our bouncing bundle of joy arrived in our lives, January 8,2009 and she completed our family of 5.  She began walking before 10 months, likely to keep up with her older siblings who are 7 and 11 years older than she is. At the age of 4 she taught herself to play chess with an Usborne Chess picture book.  She was riding a bike at 5 and also quickly earning belts in Tae Kwon Do.  

Creative, imaginative and full of energy she has developed a love of digital art, photography, bird watching and is gifted with a multitude of computer skills. 

Despite all her talents, she was silently suffering inside.  She had told us at age 2 that she was a girl despite the label on her birth certificate. It took us years to catch up with her and for all of us to come to acceptance of her true gender identity.

She  experienced unusual stress as a toddler including her older  sister’s sudden onset of OCD. And the stress of being without her primary caregiver (me) when her father suffered a nearly fatal heart attack. 

From a young age, she would obsess about the placement of her large stuffed animal collection with the need to repeatedly count them.   She also had a need to have things just right as well as several irrational fears. In some ways her issues looked  similar to her older sister and yet different. Someone with OCD realizes that these obsessive thoughts and compulsions do not make sense and yet they feel powerless to change because of the insurmountable fear that something bad will happen.

She has since been diagnosed with OCD, general anxiety, social anxiety, depression and gender dysphoria. Yet, she is so much more than those labels.

The standard of treatment for OCD includes Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) therapy and/ or medication.  Our older daughter was able to overcome her OCD with a qualified therapist and medication.

You would think that two parents who have gone through the challenges of OCD, would know what best to do when a second child showed signs of OCD.

We thought we knew. We found a therapist and a psychiatrist and went to a developmental pediatrician and Occupational Therapy. We sought to utilize natural and alternative practices before resorting to psychotropic medication for our kids.  We took out any possible offending foods like gluten and dairy as well as artificial food additives.  We added supplements like fish oil, vitamin D, inositol, magnesium, digestive enzymes, amino acids and probiotics. All of those things have been helpful but they have not been enough.

She does have a therapist who specializes in gender dysphoria yet we have known she needs additional therapy to specifically address the OCD. 

In 2021, we found NBI in Weston, Florida and they have a treatment program specializing in complex cases of anxiety and OCD. We met online with  a therapist from NBI.  We paid the out of pocket fee for an initial consultation, $400.  Yet, we were unable to come up with the necessary funds to attend this program.  After continuing to search for something more local since that time, we believe that  NBI may be the only solution for our daughter despite the distance and cost.  We need both the funds to have a place to stay during her treatment which could be up to 3 months and the cost of the program which is estimated to be $12,000 per month.  

We have tried some online therapists since 2021 and yet it was not enough to address the severity of her OCD. Even with a qualified therapist, it is a time commitment for us as well to follow through with the ERP therapy.  All of these efforts have been at a great cost to our time and income. 

In the fall of 2022, her symptoms got worse.  The psychiatrist changed her medication to see if  a different SSRI medication would be more effective.  Despite initial improvement with the new medication, things quickly got worse with  increased agitation, outbursts of rage and anger that led us to the hospital ER multiple times and even to being admitted to the behavioral health unit. Yet, even in the hospital, there is no regular individualized  therapy and there is not a qualified OCD therapist.  

 It has been heart wrenching and emotionally exhausting to hear our child say that she feels her life is useless and wants to die. .  We called 911 because we feared for her safety and we watched her be handcuffed by police.  Despite how we have experienced these events, we know it has been that much worse for our daughter. 

We have exhausted all efforts to find treatment in NC as well as treatment covered by our insurance.  It is time for us to move forward to get her the intensive treatment that she needs. 

We need financial assistance for her to attend the intensive OCD program at NBI. 

We are even considering selling our house to be able to pay for her treatment. 

Our daughter is 14 years old and we want so much more for her life than the suffering she has been experiencing for most of her life.  We see her shine when she is online with friends, taking pictures of birds or explaining a complex concept to us.  She deserves to have more positive moments in her life and the ability to overcome her challenges. 

If you have the means to help us and also the ability to share our story, we ask for your help.

I find inspiration in music and every time I hear this song, I sing it to my daughters. 

I wish someone would have told me that this life is ours to choose
No one’s handing you the keys or a book with all the rules
The little that I know I’ll tell to you
When they dress you up in lies and you’re left naked with the truth

You throw your head back, and you spit in the wind
Let the walls crack, ’cause it lets the light in
Let ’em drag you through hell
They can’t tell you to change who you are
That’s all I know so far
And when the storm’s out, you run in the rain
Put your sword down, dive right into the pain
Stay unfiltered and loud, you’ll be proud of that skin full of scars
That’s all I know so far
That’s all I know so far

So you might give yourself away, yeah
And pay full price for each mistake
But when the candy-coating hides the razor blade
You can cut yourself loose and use that rage

I wish someone would have told me that this darkness comes and goes
People will pretend but baby girl, nobody knows
And even I can’t teach you how to fly
But I can show you how to live like your life is on the line

All I know so far, Pink

Childhood Mental Illness: Things I wish I had said

Things I wish I had said and things that need to be said

What would you do if this was your child?

No, OCD is not keeping things in order.

Do you have clinically diagnosed OCD?

Does your need to have things in order take hours of your time during the day?

Does it interfere with your daily life functioning, because if not, do not tell my child that you have OCD and that it is normal.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a DISORDER

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a mental illness where they brain is not functioning properly

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is an illness and not an adjective

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is as real as juvenile diabetes and cancer and can be deadly

Suicide is the second leading cause of death in children ages 10-14

De-Escalation techniques. are essential in a crisis situation where someone is angry and violent

Observing officer, did you see the difference in my child’s behavior with the officers who used those techniques a week and a half ago compared to. the officers standing before you and are not following that protocol but instead are in dad mode.

Why are you using the safe room as a holding cell for my child?

Why the hell does your “safe room” have concrete walls???

Why is our system so broken that my child has been. back to the emergency room more than 5 times in the past 3 months.

Why won’t anyone help my child?

Pediatric Acute-onset Neuropsychiatric Syndrome (PANS) is a clinical diagnosis given to children who have a dramatic – sometimes overnight – onset of neuropsychiatric symptoms including obsessions/compulsions or food restriction.

I copied that statement from Stanford website.

Why does my child’s psychiatrist not recognize PANS?

Why won’t anyone listen to us?

Why are my child’s doctors ignoring these signs and symptoms?

Why am I the only one who sees my child calling out for help?

Why was the police officer so confrontational with my child yesterday and why did he tell her that she is 14 and therefore needs to know better?

Why do people expect kids and especially teenagers to act like adults but do not treat then like adults?

Why do people not realize that the human brain and its development of higher level cognition does not fully develop until the late 20s.

Why can’t people understand that a 14 year old brain does not function like a 25 year old brain?

Why do people not recognize that my child has post traumatic stress disorder?

Why do the professionals not see that if my child has PTSD that she is triggered by different situations and you can not talk her out of it?

Does the medical community see PTSD as a behavior disorder?

Why is the psychiatric unit of the hospital called behavioral health?

Why are you telling my child that her behavior is her fault and that she can control it if she just chooses differently?

Why do we treat children differently if they have a psychiatric diagnoses vs a “medical diagnosis”?

Why are psychiatric illness not considered medical illnesses?

Who decided that the brain function is seperate from the body?

Who decided that because an illness manifests with behavior changes then it needs to be treated differently?

Why do the people who are put in the position to help children with mental illness have little education in mental illness, in psychiatric disorders and how the brain functions?

Why is getting the specialized treatment that my child needs cost prohibitive?

Why am I not able to search for the Charlotte PANDAS/ PANS treatment center?

Why is there not funding to assist people who can not afford the high cost of specialized centers?

Why is healthcare in the United States tied to having the financial means to get the help that is needed?

Why are some diagnoses treated without regard to what people can pay and others are not?

Why is your child with cancer more important than my child with severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?

Why do the professionals not recognize that they are failing to treat people and diagnosis people correctly?

Why should my child suffer because I do not have the financial means to take them to a specialized clinic?

Why won’t anyone help us?

Why won’t anyone help my child?

The Sandwich Generation and The System

Aging adults

Geriatric care

Confusing emergency room full of noises

“Gina, they are talking about me. You need to go over there.”

Delusions, paranoia and confusion

Exacerbated by a hospital stay due to pneumonia

On top of Parkinson’s Disease

Dementia is misunderstood

Some people think all dementia is Alzheimer’s

When in fact, there are many types of dementia and they manifest in different ways

Education, knowledge and experience

Laking even in health care professionals

And the people who are most hands on with the patients have the least amount of education

Why is that?

Shouldn’t the people with the most education regarding dementia, Parkinson’s, mental illness,…

Be the ones who spend the most time with the patients

Instead of behind desks, pushing papers

Geriatric care and acute care rehabilitations hospital juxtaposed with behavioral health inpatient care

I travel back and forth between caring for my father and my child

The Sandwich Generation

Parenting children, parents, and myself

At 79 and 81 my parents need my help more than ever before

Roles reversed

A new chapter of my life

My father has needed more attention since his Parkinson’s diagnosis, hip surgery, back surgeries

And now after being hospitalized 10 days due to pneumonia

Physical illness affects the mind

The brain is part of our body

Dementia is exacerbated by other medical conditions and acute illness

Dementia is a progressive illness

Parkinson’s Disease is a progressive neurological disorder

Navigating aging and the loss of independence

In the context of my professional experience working in adult and geriatric rehabilitations

But this is my father!

And this is my child

Who suffers in part due to side effects of medications

Medications that can cause the same effects of the things they are intended to treat

Did you know that antidepressants can increase depression especially in children and adolescents

Did you know that antipsychotics can cause psychosis?

Would we take a medication for cancer or heart disease that could lead to more cancer or heart disease?

Or do we…

The brain is part of the body

And until we stop separating mental illness from physical illness the stigma remains

Mental illness can and certainly does manifest in physical illness

The brain is part of the body

When someone suffers from mental illness it is because the brain is not functioning properly

Just like when you have heart disease, the arteries are clogged or the heart is malfunctioning

“Most scientists believe that mental illnesses result from problems with the communication between neurons in the brain (neurotransmission). For example, the level of the neurotransmitter serotonin is lower in individuals who have depression.”

National Library of Medicine: Information about Mental Illness and the Brain

When a child enters the hospital due to mental illness, they are labeled as behavioral health patients

An admission to the hospital for mental illness is usually due to the behaviors that manifest because of the brain malfunctioning

The system has different rules when you are in the emergency department for mental illness

Some of those rules make sense like restricting objects that can be used to hurt themselves or others

“For youth ages 10-14, suicide is the second leading cause of death.”

National Library of Medicine

Yet, the rules can be ridiculous in the context of how they manifest

No knives allowed also means no plastic knives for cutting food

Yet, a plastic fork has a sharper edge than a plastic knife

My child was given a chicken breast with a plastic fork and spoon

With no way to cut the meat, she had to pick the entire breast up with the fork and eat it like meat on a stick

No personal electronics allowed

Unplugged

Which can make sense in the context of drug abuse, negative influence of peers, abuse, and to minimize cyber bullying

Yet, in 2023, how do most of us communicate?

Being disconnected from the rest of the world, from friends and family

Is that really in the interest of a person’s mental health?

Someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder has intrusive thoughts that lead to the compulsive behaviors

Having the ability to distract the mind from the intrusive thoughts can be a temporary coping strategy

Taking away the tools that a person with OCD might use to occupy their mind

Taking away the familiar comforts of home

Is this really in their best interests for their mental health?

Anxiety

Tips for coping with anxiety include

Be physically active,

Eat health foods

Use stress management and relaxation techniques

Cut back on drinking caffeinated beverages

Socialize

Keep a journal

From the Mayo clinic, Tips for coping with anxiety include

Isn’t it ironic that eating healthy foods is top on the list and yet it is one area where hospitals consistently fail

When will they realize that the food they are providing is contributing to the problem?

When will we wake up and take action and make needed changes?

If not you, then who?

If not know, then when?

Christmas Morning in Knightdale

I woke in a new place this Christmas morning. It has been a long time since I was away from home on Christmas morning.

The sound of running water caught my attention, why is there water running?

The fish tank

All was quiet and everyone was asleep

Until I pulled my computer out to right

Now there are footsteps and voices

And it brings a smile to my face

I am in my daughter’s new home and my husband and youngest are here.

Soon the other two will arrive

And we will have our Christmas morning

Slowly unwrapping each gift

As we have done every year

We are a one gift at a time kind of family

And my kids have started a duct tape war

Wrapping a gift with excessive amounts of duct tape

Excessive!

It can take an hour to open one gift

We declared a truce on the war this year

We don’t the luxury of all day to open gifts

Yet, we are fortunate we can be together

For several hours

In my daughter’s big house that she rents with a friend

My youngest child who usually sleeps until 10 or 11 is awake with me now

It is 8am and I have been awake for an hour

She is anxious for everyone to get here and wishing she was still asleep

I am enjoying her sitting with me as I write

I have been so busy the past 2 weeks

Making Christmas gifts

Working at the nursing home (s)

Growing our Focused Healthy Family business

Recording Podcasts

Baking and food prepping

“Place your bets” she says

As she calculates how much time it will take her brother to arrive

And for his fiancé to arrive

They are in two different places this morning

She went to her parents last night

He was at work

Somehow my grown kids have work schedules like their mom

Working weekends and in a world where holiday time off does not exist

Yet, all is good

We made it work

To be together

And tomorrow

Abby and I will head home

Together

To have time with extended family

The Menzo Gang

At my parents house

No longer on the lake, like years ago

When we gathered for a week

Room enough for all to stay together

Pitter-patter of little feet

Making movies and taking boat rides

We all miss the house on Lake Murray

Glad that my parents live closer to me now

And they are with us at 79 and 80 years

My mind wanders and then I bring it back

To now

Today

In this big wonderful house in Knightdale

Soon we will all be together

The Grothoff 6

Merry Christmas

Tuesday Train Ride: The value was so much greater than the cost

I took a spontaneous trip back to Raleigh with my daughter last night

She was home for just one night

For a weekend after Thanksgiving

For time with family

It wasn’t enough time

It wasn’t enough time for her to recharge

It wasn’t enough time for me to love on her

To fill her cup

Trying to get on the road to be home by 8pm

Reluctant to leave

Leaving on a Monday around 4:30 pm 

So much traffic…

I sat in her room 

As she packed up to head home

Reluctant to leave

Leaving on a Monday around 4:30 pm 

So much traffic…

I sat in her room 

As she packed up to head home

I listened to her

I was a shoulder to cry on

As she vented and stressed about returning to her place

Hugs

Then, I had an idea…

The train!

In 30 minutes I managed to:

Locate a train for the next day

She could drop me off on her way to work

I could take the 10am train home

“But Mom, I have to leave for work by 8am”

I can hang out at the train station

It’s a beautiful train station with comfortable places to sit

I had taken a train back home several months ago

It was a Friday evening train

It was crowded and my first time ever riding 

An Amtrak Train

Tuesday, mid-morning

That should be easy!

I packed an overnight bag

Last minute trip

No time to worry

Limit my luggage to carryon bag and back pack

I was focused and got it done

My husband got food together for us

We loaded her car and were on the road at 5pm

Half a tank of gas

“I got home on half a tank, it should be enough”

I had a feeling we would need gas

She talked and I drove

Driving my old civic

The car we gave her when her Subaru became unreliable

Lively and engaged in conversation

Much different mood than an hour before in her room

Low gas warning light

She found a station with low price with Gas Buddy

As I filled the car with gas

A woman in a red Camry asked me for help

She was lost and out of gas

She wanted directions

I did not know my way around

My phone!

I used my navigation app 

To enter the address of where she needed to go

I read to her what it said

She looked lost and confused

“Please help me” she repeated

I asked my daughter to write down the directions

She asked for a few dollars for gas

I dug in my wallet knowing I had no cash

Between the two of us, we only had coins

My credit card!

I offered to fill up her car with some gas

“Thank you”

She was so grateful

She was parked too far from the tank 

And parked with the wrong side facing the tank

She struggled to drive between my car and another

To turn her car around to pull up to the tank

I wanted to offer to drive the car for her

I chuckled at the situation

“Are you laughing at me?”

Amused by the situation and happy

Happy that I could help her

I told her I wouldn’t have helped if she had been a man

And she understood and agreed

Happy to help her out

Knowing her feeling of being lost

And out of gas

I had been in a situation as a 23 year old

At night driving home without my wallet

Turned the wrong way and was so low on gas

It was 1993 and I had no cell phone

I imagined I would need to stop at a gas station and beg for a dollar to fill up my tank…

Wow

I did not have to stop that night

I made it back to my apartment

Here I was almost 30 years later

Helping someone else in a similar situation

My daughter and I were happy that we took the time too help

I heard her ask someone else for directions as I filled her car

She was headed to the hospital

I was even more grateful that I was able to help her

She had found someone who would help her

To let her follow them to get her back on the right road

To get to the hospital

I never asked where she was going and why

My daughter and I enjoyed time together at her house

Watching our favorite TV show

And then off to bed to get up by 6:30 am

She has a spare room in the house she rents with a friend

It has been convenient for us to visit and stay with her

It feels so good to be there for her

When she needs us

To spontaneously pack a bag

And drive her home

Gratitude: Ode to Occupational Therapy

Reflecting on my 53 years on this earth and 30 years living in Charlotte

I feel a sense of peace and gratitude thinking about my career as an Occupational Therapist.

I am so grateful for:

My guidance counselor in highschool for one year when my regular counselor was on sabbatical

He asked me if I wanted to be a teacher or a nurse

And then showed me a book with a list of careers

I had an interest in special education and psychology

In that book, I found a description of Occupational Therapy

The practice of occupational therapy means the therapeutic use of everyday life occupations
with persons, groups, or populations (clients) to support occupational performance and
participation. Occupational therapy practice includes clinical reasoning and professional
judgment to evaluate, analyze, and diagnose occupational challenges (e.g., issues with client
factors, performance patterns, and performance skills) and provide occupation-based
interventions to address them. Occupational therapy services include habilitation, rehabilitation,
and the promotion of physical and mental health and wellness for clients with all levels of ability related needs. These services are provided for clients who have or are at risk for developing an
illness, injury, disease, disorder, condition, impairment, disability, activity limitation, or
participation restriction. Through the provision of skilled services and engagement in everyday
activities, occupational therapy promotes physical and mental health and well-being by
supporting occupational performance in people with, or at risk of experiencing, a range of
developmental, physical, and mental health disorders.

American Occupational Therapy Association

The description was simpler than the above definition by AOTA

Recalling things from 36 years ago has its challenges

I remember my amazement as he fed a piece of paper into a machine and it produced a list of colleges

Colleges with a major in Occupational Therapy

I had no idea what a fax machine was

It was 1986

I only guessed, years later, that it was a fax machine

I am so grateful for:

That moment when I read the description of Occupational Therapy and new in that moment

I had found my path

I never intended to have a career

My vision of my adult life was to work as my mother did

And when I got married, I would stay home to raise my kids

College was what you did after high school

You picked a major and found a college to attend

I am grateful for my parents and their focus on my education

I am grateful that my parents always chose a place for us to live that had a reputable school district

I am grateful that we were living in Pennsylvania when I was in high school

And Pennsylvania had two liberal arts colleges with a major in Occupational Therapy

I wanted to go away to college yet didn’t want to travel too far

I was able to visit both of these small schools and spend a night with a current student and visit the Occupational Therapy department

College Misericordia and Elizabethtown College

I am so grateful for the amazing young women I met at Etown

I am so grateful for their friendship

I am so grateful for:

The amazing professors and instructors at Etown

The most amazing four years of my life at Etown from 1988- 1992

Getting accepted to the program as they only took 40 students each year

Discovering adult physical rehabilitation at Good Shepherd Nursing and Rehab

When my previously scheduled clinical in Erie was canceled

I am grateful for all the opportunities in my life

I am grateful for all the opportunities I chose

I am forever grateful for my first job as an OT at Charlotte Rehab

And all the amazing people I met and had the privilege of working alongside

I am so grateful for this path I chose for it has led me to

Right here and right now

I am filled with amazement and joy at my life

Right here and write now

Ode to Nov 8, 1992-2022

November 8,1992

I packed my Corolla and traveled solo

from Whitehall, Pa to Charlotte, NC

I left the day before and made a stop to visit college friends in Town

First move as a grown up, just graduated with my OT degree.

I can still see the ad in my AJOT magazine

Yes, that was how you found a job in 1992

The ad read:

Shouldn’t you be in Charlotte?

Little did I know the truth in that message.

Adopted first kittens from my sister‘s friend, my sweet Lassie and Thumper

Met my soul mate 4 months later in March of 1993

And we got married May 14, 1994.

Three little birds followed…

November 10, 1997: The gift of love

February 6, 2002: Feminine empowerment

January 8, 2009: Bundle of Joy born in our home to make our family complete

Oct 29, 2010: the gift of peace: our family angel, Olive, joined our home

Bookclub in 2006: Peanut climbed in Harrison’s lap

And some years later: Shiloh stole Abby’s heart

Abby begged us to let her fed a stray tuxedo cat, Not

Fall of 2018: Two tine kittens showed up in our yard, Sunshine and Shadow

And then Nox showed up with her kitten and as Abby and Lexi heard noises from the nearby quarry, name her Boom Boom

Our outside cat clan grew to 5 with my sweet Domino, the reincarnation of Thumper, which I confirmed when he crossed the rainbow bridge

So many animals in our life bringing us unconditional love

30 years have passed since I made the leap and moved 600+ miles from home to begin my adult life

November 8, 2022

homeschooling mom of 3, and 2 graduated!

Breastfeeding advocate

Former La Leche League Leader

Adult and geriatric rehab OT

Co-founder of Focused Healthy Family with my amazing soul mate, Don

Writer, blogger

Lover of life and all things parenting

Dog mamma, cat rescue mamma

LGBTQIA ally &advocate

Happy to have my parents living less than an hour away

So HAPPY to be living in Charlotte 30 years later

North Carolina, my beloved state, make me proud and turn us blue today… do it for me as an anniversary gift.

Thank you

True Colors: Emotional Vulnerability

I have been blessed with four amazing women in my life and the group of us have been meeting up virtually and weekly since March. We have grown close in that time and have been through a physical health journey with the Restart: sugar detox program which is how we met. And then we embarked on a mental health journey with the Positive Intelligence program.
We started Restart with 6 women and our fearless facilitator and had no idea how connected most of us would become. More than six months later, we support each other daily through the magic of virtual communication via Marco Polo, Zoom, text messages, and even phone calls.

Being part of this group has been a stretch for me. It is outside my safety bubble of my immediate family. I share openly in my writing and that feels easy. Speaking to others and in a group, even on zoom, can be a challenge for me. Sure, I am good at surface conversation and simple chat. That is part of my job as an Occupational Therapist and I have a sense of comfort in that setting. A conversation that goes beyond where you grew up, what you do for a living, how many children or grandchildren you have, etc. requires more effort and energy. I am a great listener, most of the time, and especially with those outside my family. Yet, sharing my own thoughts, feelings and experiences requires vulnerability.

We use this term often, vulnerable. We applaud each other on being vulnerable.

When you read the Merriam Webster Dictionary definition of the word you find this:

Definition of vulnerable

1: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

2: open to attack or damage : ASSAILABLEvulnerable to criticism

3: liable to increased penalties but entitled to increased bonuses after winning a game in contract bridge

I dug further by searching Emotional Vulnerability and found an article entitled, Emotional Vulnerability: What It Is and Why It Matters written by a psychologist who defined it as:

“The willingness to acknowledge your emotions, especially painful ones.“

In reading this article, I can sum it up with this one sentence taken directly from the end of the article.

“Emotional vulnerability is simply the skill that allows you to acknowledge difficult or painful emotions instead of immediately avoiding them or reacting to them.“

I invite you to contemplate your own experiences with emotional vulnerability and sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings with important people in your life.

In what settings or with what people have you felt true to yourself?

What people or situations create the desire to withdraw or hide your true self?

My challenge has been building meaningful friendships. I share openly with my husband and my children. I am a mixed bag with my family of origin. I believe my biggest challenge has been in building intimate adult friendships. I do have many amazing friends in my life and many who have been there for me and my family during my husband’s health crises and during other events. My ability to share of myself in these relationships is what I believe has prevented me from feeling more fully connected and supported.

As you ponder these ideas, I will leave you with these beautiful lyrics first sung by Cyndi Lauper:

• You with the sad eyes
  Don’t be discouraged
  Oh I realize
  It’s hard to take courage
  In a world full of people
  You can lose sight of it all
  And the darkness inside you
  Can make you feel so small
• But I see your true colors
  Shining through
  I see your true colors
  And that’s why I love you
  So don’t be afraid to let them show
  Your true colors
  True colors are beautiful
  Like a rainbow
• Show me a smile then
  Don’t be unhappy, can’t remember
  When I last saw you laughing
  If this world makes you crazy
  And you’ve taken all you can bear
  You call me up
  Because you know I’ll be there
• And I’ll see your true colors
  Shining through
  I see your true colors
  And that’s why I love you
  So don’t be afraid to let it show
  Your true colors
  True colors are beautiful
  Like a rainbow
• (Can’t remember when I last saw you laughing)
• If this world makes you crazy
  And you’ve taken all you can bear
  You call me up
  Because you know I’ll be there
• And I’ll see your true colors
  Shining through
  I see your true colors
  And that’s why I love you
  So don’t be afraid to let it show
• Your true colors
  True colors
  True colors
  Shining through
• I see your true colors
  And that’s why I love you
  So don’t be afraid to let them show
  Your true colors
  True colors are beautiful
  Like a rainbow
• _{Writer/s: Billy Steinberg, Tom Kelly
  Publisher: Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
  Lyrics licensed and provided by LyricFind}

Three Little Birds: beautiful, creative, noisy children

Last night the five of us were together for game night. Abby joined us via Facetime yet it felt almost as good as her being here in person. Looking at these sweet faces and thinking over the past 13 years since this picture was taken, I realize that this is still how I see them in my heart.

I have two children in their twenties and a teenager. Did I see this 30 years ago when I decided to move to Charlotte? Becoming a mom was always on my mind. I envisioned having at least 4 children. Instead I have 3 birthed children and now have a wonderful almost daughter-in-law, who balances out our act. I have shared my home with two dogs and a total of 5 cats, as well as the three cats who adopted our property as their home base.

My life feels full, overflowing with love. My son has taken our boxes of more than 30 years of pictures and has been scanning them into digital format for us. I helped him sort some of them by date and shared many memories and laughs with him; sweet tender moments, silliness and a few pictures from my teenage years. There were more than 5000 pictures in those boxes that had been sitting on the top shelf of a closet. Now we will be able to organize and categorize them in a google drive easily accessible to all.

Today I stood outside at 6:00 am before the sunrise. I listened to the sounds of nature and looked at the quarter moon in the star speckled sky. I recalled camping trips with my kids and our friends from many years ago. One year, Don joined us for a family camping trip and what I remember most is how it poured rain one afternoon and the 4 of us huddled in the center of our leaking tent listening to the sound of the rain. My youngest never had the experience of camping.

I have options. I can choose to focus on lack and the experiences she didn’t have. I can choose to see missed opportunities and things I wish I had done differently or I can choose love and abundance. I can recall the memories for the experiences they were and see the gifts in my life as well as for all of my children. They have their own individual paths on this journey we call life as do all of us.

The biggest challenge for me is wishing more connection for my youngest. Her siblings spent more time together in our early homeschooling journey being only four years apart. When I look at this picture it reminds me of those precious years when the five of us were all together under one roof. Trips to the park with the four of us when my minivan was full of spare clothes, random books and papers and three beautiful, creative, noisy children. I see the love they have for each other and especially their baby sister. My last birthed baby who was the missing puzzle piece for our family.

This connection that I have created with my children fills me with pride. My husband and I have birthed a family environment of support and connection. Despite the challenges we have been through and those that lie ahead, we know we can count on each other. My son shows up when my daughter moved into her apartment and she felt strongly about being there for him and his move. My youngest looks forward to game night with the six of us and I believe we all share that love of time together.

I see this picture and I know their connection can continue to grow with time as my youngest moves through her. teenage years. This reminds me of when our outside cat, Nox, gave birth to three kittens. As we found homes for them, my then ,20 year old son wanted them to all go to a home together. He didn’t want to see them split up from their siblings. My greatest wish for my children is no matter where life takes them, that the three of them can stay connected and always be there for each other.