Choosing my life… the life I am living

I can’t believe my last post was January 5…so much time has passed since then, nearly 2 months.

Life happens

I’ve been slowly getting over reoccurring Bronchitis since November.

My youngest child turned 3 and we enrolled him at Romp N Roll again, for a gymnastics class with mom.

My daughter turned 10, fell in love with a rescue dog who lived a short time, and recently began ERP therapy.

I have been exercising 2 or 3 times a week with my oldest son and helping him with pre- Algebra, at his request.

Time spent with my children is always time well spent.  They come first in my life. Sure, I need to meet my basic needs, put my oxygen masc on first, yet, I enjoy life most when the larger chunks of my time are spent with them.  I chose to have children and to be there with them as they grow and figure out living in this world.    I sometimes forget this, but when I look at how I am spending my time, I always desire to have more time with my children.  The reason that I do not want to work away from the home is to be with them.  Sure I have writing dreams that I want to pursue and I make time for this as life allows, but my real frustration is being there consistently for my children because I have needed to work outside the home.

I have three children, spread 11 years apart.  The biggest reason for the age spread is because after I had my first son and had to return to work full time when he was 12 weeks old, I wanted to wait until I could be working less from home before I had another child.  The third one came about only after my husband sold his business and went to work for the person he sold it to- full time job.  It was the first time I felt like I didn’t “have” to work.  It was a great feeling.

Unfortunately, it took time to conceive and then my husband lost his full time job when I was 3 months pregnant.  I worked during my pregnancy but then held out going back for an entire year, even though, financially, we really needed me to go back much sooner.  We have lived off savings, and now have some debt beyond our mortgage that we are not happy about and never had before and are even dipping into our IRA funds now.  But you know what, when I think about how I worked hard for the money in my IRA accounts (401K rollovers), I feel blessed to have that money there to use now when we really need it and so that I do not have to find full time work.   I can always work more when my children are older.  But right now they are 14, 10 and 3 and we homeschool/ unschool and they need me and I need them.

They need my support, my time, my love, compassion and assistance in various ways. Of course the 3 year old, just wants mom around.  He played happily by himself for about 3 hours at my sister’s house this past weekend  because I was resting on the bed in the same room.  He did not “need me” until I got up and went down the hall to the bathroom, “Mom, where are you?”  He went searching for me, not realizing where I had went as he was absorbed in his play.  My husband and I were surprised at how long he was content in the room with me sleeping on and off but not really talking to him.  Of course, when I thought about it, I wasn’t really that surprised.  Toddlers need to know mom is near by even if they can play on their own and not need mom to interact with them.  Attachment parenting in action.  He also needs mom to listen to him and pay attention to his endless conversations and imaginary play. And to answer his questions about everything in his world and all those things that fascinate him.  He needs me to engage with him, to get his needs met including his needs for physical activity and mental stimulation.  He needs me to pay attention to his behavior and how it varies with  foods and when needs are not met.   He needs me to play with him, to read to him, to take him new places and engage in life with him.  Exploring the world with a toddler is so fun and exciting and brings out the child in me and it is also mentally and physically exhausting!  I feel my age, being 42 now as opposed to 31 when my oldest was 3.

My daughter needs me because she is 10 and generally an extrovert and because she has been dealing with an anxiety disorder for the past 2 years.  She is limited with making food for herself and needs help to put on her shoes because of the anxiety.  She is by nature a very compassionate, kindhearted and generous child.  Yet, when her anxiety overwhelms her, her behavior looks very different, nearly the opposite of her personality.  She has needed our help in understanding and dealing with her issues, supporting her, as we figured out by trial and error, what to do and not to do.  She has needed us, her parents,  as advocates, researchers and encouragement to deal with her anxiety and be able to live her life.   She also needs me to help her find the resources and materials to pursue her interests and to keep her mind busy and engaged.  She is a very intelligent child and her anxiety is noticeably less when she is engaged in pursuits she enjoys and most especially with her passions.   And she needed us to say “Yes” when our neighbors who moved suddenly asked us if we wanted to take their dog who had become my daughter’s  best friend” -her words.  I am a cat person, and her dad is someone who enjoys pets, when they live outside or at least that was how he was raised.  She needs us to help her find and participate in dog related activities because this is her passion.  Loving animals and dogs is who she is.

My oldest child, my 14 year old son, needs me because for at least 2 years, if not 3, he has not gotten as much attention as he needs and especially now as he experiences puberty and all the changes that are happening within his body.  He likes structure and plans despite our unschooling life.  He has many interests and pursues them independently.  I don’t think that he has ever uttered the words “I am bored”, or at least rarely.  Yet, he needs help organizing his time and getting things done that he wants to do.  He has been very interested in pursuing computer science for some time and knows he needs math and so we are now using a curriculum for the first time (in our own way) because of his desire to advance with higher level math.  He needs 1:1 time with me, as all my other children do, and even more so now than he did a few years ago.  He needs to be able to vent and talk freely with one of his parents and share his life and experiences with mom and dad.  He needs us to help him with getting together with his friends and to transport him to all his social gatherings and and all his other activities.   He is an introvert, yet, an outgoing introvert, and a calm, quiet- natured person,  yet, he has had a growing need to get together with his friends.  Sometimes, I think and he admits, he needs to just get out of the house and away from his high energy- physically active younger siblings.

They all need me and in different ways.  I enjoy having children of different ages and I know that I appreciate my toddler much more because my older two children are long past the toddler years.  Sure, it has its challenges having 3 children all in different stages of life.  We join up for the summer reading program at the library and join all three age-group programs, one with each child.   My son is in a middle and high school only co-op where nearly everything is only for him.  It took many years before my oldest two could participate in an activity together due to the 4- year age spread.  Now, my 3 year old, who tells us he wants to “stay wittle” and  ”not get big”, strives to do all the things his older siblings do.  He gets things out of the refrigerator himself and wants to make his own sandwich and help mom in the kitchen.

I understand why years ago, people told me to have my children close together in age.

But, I wouldn’t change anything.  I always wanted 4 children or at least 4.  If I had had another, I would have liked to have one between my 10 year old and 3 year old.  Yet, this is the life I have and the children who are in my life and my care.  I need to make the most of it and appreciate them for who they are and their special gifts and spend my time seeing the beauty in their souls and empower and affirm them as they are.

If you read what I write and think that I live a blissful life enjoying every moment of my children’s lives…..

….Don’t kid yourself!

I am living a human life with all my human traits, my own past experiences, fears and doubts.  I  strive to be the best parent that I can be.  Far more often than I like, I fail to follow my own basic principles and beliefs as a parent.  I believe that we are all spiritual beings having a human experience but  I need to write about this in order to remember it and to truly live it!

Jumping with Jason,right here and now while he is 2

Before the holidays, my friends on my Facebook Homeschool Group shared information about a Groupon for a new Jump place that was opening and they planned to attend the first week of January.  I went to the site and saw pictures of giant padded sided trampolines and learned there was a separate area for younger kids.  I knew my younger two would like it and maybe my oldest.  I bought three Groupons.

My daughter came down with the coughing crud I had before Christmas and wasn’t up to jumping today and my oldest wasn’t interested, he is a jump alone kind of guy.

And so, Jason, my almost three-year old (his birthday is 4 days from today), and I headed out alone to drive across town to go jumping.  Well, I had a ticket for him and not me, hadn’t even thought about if I could get a ticket but had assumed his sister would be jumping with him when I got the Groupons.

As usual he was slow to warm up and despite being only one of two kids- the other was my friend’s son that he knows even though they don’t interact much yet- and it took him time before he would try.  I sat on the edge and even walked on the trampoline surface with him- as you can walk right up to it at the same level, but was told by the nice attending employee that due to liability, I wasn’t allowed on the trampoline surface but she got her manager and they had me sign a waiver and get a red arm band and I then got to join him (at no charge- shh,not sure if that is the policy)!

He still didn’t like the girl who was working there and wanted her to leave which he expresses well for a 2-year-old and then other kids came to the area and he doesn’t like people he doesn’t know.

Then we jumped into the foam pit and luckily there was no one else around at first because he got to stay in the foam pit which he loved.  He was sad when we had to get out of the foam pit to let others jump into it but I convinced him to go to the other area that was just trampoline space and we began jumping!

It was frustrating when we were there with just my friend and her son and he wouldn’t try it, yet all my children have been “slow to warm up” kids.  Sometimes with Jason, it takes him until it is time to go home.   That is always sad and challenging to have him riding in the car home saying “I want to swim” or “I want to get my hair cut”.

It was so great that I got to join him today.  It was fun and took his mind off all the other people, who he usually calls “evil” and describes how he will knock them down or put fire on them.   The only other kids about his age were also jumping with a parent which was good to see.

I think we push kids away from us before they are ready and miss opportunities to spend time with them when they are small and want to be with us.  Trust me, it doesn’t last.  Sure, I am very close to my older two children and we spent a lot of time together but there is nothing like the love of a toddler who wants to marry you and live with you forever.  I guess I like my kids when they are in the “need mommy” stages.  It seams simpler to help them when they are young or even ill and just want to sit with mom.  I know I appreciate my youngest as a toddler more than my older two because my older two are 9 and 14.  Even though, he is my most challenging toddler!

He used to want to be big like his sister and brother but lately has been telling me he wants to stay “wittle” and stay with me.  I am happy to hear this.  I tell him he can live with me forever and he will be little for a long time.  It is good to enjoy being little and each and every age of our children because it all passes….and too quickly.

A good reminder to me for sure because I have my days when I wonder why I had more than one child or long for the day when they are all out of the house.  But not really.  Life can be crazy and noisy and out-of-order at my house, but I do like having children and three of them.  I still wish I had four because it would be more even but that didn’t happen and instead  we somehow  have a dog instead (I am so very much a cat person) and so she is number four.

Now,I need to find a way to remind myself of this every day and especially during the really challenging times.  This makes for a good New Year’s Resolution.  To remember how much I love having kids and to remember that they will soon be 3, 10 and 15……and then 18, 25 and 30!  Enjoy them for who they are right here and now.

Holiday Gratitude

I started November with a goal to blog daily.  I published 14 posts.  Not bad for someone who came down with Bronchitis/Pneumonia during that time!

Here it is December 21, and this is my second post for the month.

I can be grateful that I have felt much better this month and so have been busy working, doing laundry and cooking, taking care of my children, Christmas shopping and living.

Here is my December Gratitude list:

My friends who created a grateful photo group- a small private group where we share photos of things we are grateful for and have fun conversations about our posts.  This is now my favorite part of Facebook and I enjoy it so much better than all the random posts on my wall, too many of which are negative.

This lap top which my wonderful husband got from his wonderful friend who has assisted us with computers over the years and shared business with my husband.

My wonderful family who managed without me for almost a month while I was in my room, coughing and watching Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix because I had no energy to do anything else.

My extended family, especially my siblings,my mom and my oldest son who have been pulling pictures together to prepare a surprise video for my father who turns 70 next month.  Don’t worry, he isn’t on Facebook or email or the computer hardly at all, except when he has to for his work which is part-time for him now.

Looking forward to a week at my parent’s house on the lake with my sister, her husband, their dogs, and my brother and his kids.  Our kids have so much fun together and there is nothing better than watching my kids enjoy time with their cousins.  And they are all old enough (just about) where I can sit back and relax for the most part.  -we’ll see how my almost 3-year-old does as he will want to be included in all the older kids do.

My husband.  There aren’t words for my gratitude to him.  I am very grateful that he is here with us this holiday because he came very close to leaving this world back in May and I really can’t imagine life without him.  He went to all 36 session of cardiac rehab and is doing so well continuing his exercise at the YMCA- so proud of him- and so inspired by him and how he is improving his life!  He is an amazing man and father and my best friend.  I need to tell him that more.

Simplicity.

Our experiences back in May, really showed me the beauty of simplicity in life.  Then I got sick and learned to appreciate my breathing and again it was a reminder to slow down and keep it simple!  There is really no reason to rush around like the Tasmanian devil and I am working to keep it simple in my life and to remember there really is no reason to hurry 99.9% of the time!

It is all perfect.

Even when it looks like it is not.  Somehow, it is all perfect, all in divine order.

Life experiences that help me realize the above even if it takes time to see the divine order.  And even when I still don’t see the divine order in the experience.

Quiet time to myself-  I am blessed to have a supportive husband who knows that I need time alone away from the house for my sanity, for my health and he has helped me make this happen nearly every week of the year.

Blogging and WordPress I have been journaling since I was 10 with notebooks and paper and finally began this blog, just over a year ago.   I love being able to take my lap top and write and publish my blog and then share it on Facebook.  Sharing what I write has been a new adventure for me and a BIG step out of my comfort zone.  It has been a wonderful experience despite my fears!

Reflecting- I have come to see how essential it is for me to write.  It helps me tune into myself, to reflect and make sense out of my life.  It calms the chatter in my head, the fears and most of all it allows me to be more of who I truly am.  It is so healing for me that I knew I needed to get out today to write despite also needing to prepare food and start packing for our upcoming trip.  Writing is as important to my physical health as what I eat and exercise.

All my virtual friends-  Finding other blogs and other people through WordPress and Facebook.  It is an introvert’s dream to have access to so many people in such a non threatening way!

Facebook and Friends-  Being able to reconnect with old friends as well as new with my computer and more often, my Black Berry.  As a busy mom of 3, sometimes it is my only connection to friends and other adults, something I need!

My Black Berry-  I got it just after my youngest child was born.  Thank God I did! I was able to keep up with the homeschool world and my children’s friends because our world is by email and now Facebook!  It survived being dropped in water with baby bottom balm lotion as well as many drops on the floor.  It acts up and currently won’t allow me to type i, k or m most of the time. Yet, it serves me and allows me to spend less time on my lap top and so more time with my children.

My three wonderful children- Despite my frustrations with them, I am grateful for their strong personalities and sense of who they are.  They have taught me far more than I could possibly teach them.  I love seeing the world through their eyes and witnessing their life and growth and being a part of their lives.  They all have strong passions,  feel deeply and have an amazing zest for life.  I can’t imagine life any other way than alongside the three of them.  They often seem so different from I was as a child, yet, I do see myself in them often and also know they are their own person- each one of them.  I have learned to enjoy where they are more and more over the years. This is a good reminder to me to enjoy 14-year-old Harrison, 9-year-old Abby, and almost 3-year-old Jason.  For, too soon, they will be older,  grown up and no longer living with me.

 

Coughing into a new speed

‘Tis the season…

Three and a half weeks ago, I came down with what felt like the flu and it progressed into this coughing, bronchial, coughing, low fever, no energy illness.  Did I mention the congested coughing that did not go away but got worse?

My husband is working from home and in the process of completing some training for a new business endeavor and so he is home often and was able to take care of the kids and most meals most of the time. Which means that I had time to rest or as much time as a mother of an active toddler and two older children can rest.  I got to stay in my room or in a recliner in the living room (since sitting up seamed to be much better than laying down) yet the illness lingered far longer than any illness I’ve had.

Unfortunately my favorite go to health practioner, a chiropractor who practices Traditional Chinese Medicine and who I have been going to for 10 years, was out of the office for the first week and a half of my illness.  I did begin to slowly get better but it took three visits to her, many herbs and more rest and as I type this I still have a cough and will likely schedule one more appointment early next week  just to be sure I don’t relapse again.  I had one day where I felt good enough to take my children to the park where our friends were going and enjoyed myself but then felt 10x worse the next day.

So where am I going with all of this?

I haven’t been able to get out of the house for my weekly time away to myself and writing time.  I did manage to use my lap top at home but mostly to play games and busy myself with Facebook just to pass the time.  Sometimes you don’t know how sick you really are until you get better.  I really had no energy and so I feel far less guilty looking back on the time I spent watching Grey’s Anatomy and playing games because I just did not the have the energy to do much else.

I still need to pace myself.  Today I worked 4 hours at my outside the house job where I haven’t been in almost a month due to being sick and then got my hair cut and my husband took the kids so I did some Christmas shopping but then felt myself getting very tired.  I am tired as I write this, yet it is more relaxing to be sitting here at this restaurant wi-fi spot writing than to return home where there is always a child who wants my attention or needs my help.

I think where I am going with this is….

…learning to pace myself

No matter how busy life is, how many things we need to do.  And do we really need to do all those things on our list?

I had a big fat reminder of what is important in life, my crash course in perspective, just 6 months ago when my husband had a nearly fatal massive heart attack.  And out of the blue, I might add as he had no health history other than a family history of heart disease but like many people, he thought he was fine as he was eating very well and exercising.

When he was in the hospital, it was all so clear: what was most important in my life- taking care of my husband and my kids.  I asked for help when I needed it and for those 12 days when he was in the hospital, I was asking often!

Then he came home, and new challenges arose as we renegotiated our roles and figured out  how to live our “new life”.  People ask me if my husband is “back to normal”.  There is no going back, no more normal.  He is physically doing great and better in that way, but life is different now and will always be.  A sudden, serious life threatening event, changes life as you know it forever.  In many ways, that is a good thing.  Yet, it brings new challenges and new issues and there remains the lingering fear of what if that was not really there before, not in the magnitude and reality that it now exists.

Time passes from the “event” and you find yourself in a similar mode as you functioned before the “event”.  My husband tells me every one refers to his heart attack as an “event”, and I just find that funny.  In this case, I use it as it could refer to many different kids of life changing, traumatic events.

Then I  became frustrated that I  appeared to be “back to the way things were before”, but not really because when he was in the hospital, I swore that life would be different or at least I saw a new perspective of life and knew I would never be the same.

And so, 6 months after his heart attack, I came down with a respiratory illness, infected lungs…so fitting from a metaphysical perspective because lungs process grief.  Sometimes there is delayed grief or lingering grief.  Sure, my husband lived and made an amazing recovery and I am forever grateful for that.  Yet, I do not need to deny myself or anyone who has gone through a similar experience, that there is still grief.  There is still the lingering memories and questions and fears and doubt and worries.  My husband remembers very little about his heart attack, he didn’t even know he might be having one and then went into cardiac arrest and so remembered nothing for about 4 hours until he was in recovery in the CCU and his memories of those days in the hospital are sketchy and even his initial return home is a bit of a foggy memory for him.

I on the other hand, remember most of it all too well.  Sure, I was in shock initially and so my recall of the initial hours are a bit different from how my son remembers it and surely he was in shock too.  Yet, once we got to the hospital, I can feel it and recall it like I am still there as well as most aspects of what transpired before they took him to the hospital.

I feel like I have written about this so many times before.  Somehow, I have a need to tell this story and share my feelings and experiences.  I think it is my way of processing my grief, my lingering grief.  Maybe what I am saying sounds much like when I have written about it before and yet for me, each time I write, it helps me move forward and release those aspects of the experience that hold me down, weakening my immune system, allowing a cough to take over my life.

I think the biggest lesson I need to take from all I have written tonight is to continue to…

…pace myself.

To slow down, no matter what is going on in life and not matter how important I think the tasks at hand are to me or my family.

For nothing is more important than health and life.

If we do not take care of ourselves, our body, mind and most importantly, our soul, then it will have an effect on us.  Maybe not immediately or even in the near future, but it will in some way, impact us and most likely in a negative or possibly harmful way.

I have something new to add to my mantra….

The past is behind me, keep moving forward….AND… pace myself !

No excuses

I haven’t been writing.  I have had time to write but have only written one blog in over two weeks.  I could make excuses and explain how I have been sick.

OR

Or I could remind myself….

The past is behind me, keep moving forward.

I am grateful for that message.

Today, that is all I need to say.

The past is behind me, keep moving forward.

Illness and Gratitude

Today, I am grateful that I felt good enough to leave the house.

I at least felt like taking my oldest son to his Monday afternoon classes would be easier than staying home with my younger two.

I love all my children but I have been ill for the past week.  Some sort of respiratory, crazy coughing, feeling yucky, low-grade fever things.

It is much easier being a parent of a 14-year-old when I am sick.  My toddler has brought entertainment to me over the past week, visiting me in my room and bringing a smile with all of his cuteness.  Yet, there is a point when his presence changes from a “cute visitor” to someone who I need to keep an eye on or who is getting into something and I don’t have the energy to distract or engage him.

My 9-year-old daughter has found a new love with poetry and it has been a  joy to hear the things she has been writing.  Being sick sure slows you down and simplifies things.  I like that aspect of being sick, or at least I embrace that aspect.

After the challenges of the past week, I can now be grateful for:

• breathing
• sleeping through the night
• my health
• waking up from sleep just to go to the bathroom or get a drink
• taking care of sick children
• waking up in the morning to start my day
• waking up at night to help a scared or hurting child
• making breakfast and cleaning up the kitchen
• playing with my children
• going outside even on a cold day
• breathing
• laying on my back and being comfortable
• laying in bed, unable to sleep, yet feeling good
• taking care of myself
• eating healthy
• living my life
• Did I mention breathing without coughing?

 

 

Powerful and Timely Reading, 6 months later

Tonight,  I sat to write because I knew the grief was getting to me, the persistent cough and illness that would not go away. And after I wrote several posts that no one may never read, or not right now, as I let it all out, frustrations and aggravations I have been feeling for 6 months. I spared no ones feelings, well, this is still me writing, but I really let it out.

And then I moved on to researching something which I decided to share on Facebook as a note and then I read this post, the last note I apparently wrote but it jumped out at me on my screen: my own words needing to be read by me. Here it is unedited, just as it was written in the moment, on my 17th anniversary while my husband was in the hospital recovering from a massive nearly fatal heart attack (much more fitting than “event”).

 

Working Through Anxiety and Panic

by Gina Menzo Grothoff on Saturday, May 14, 2011 at 7:04am

Working through the anxiety and panic:

One step at a time.

From the first moment, I was in a place of calm, with my mantra:

The past is behind you, keep moving forward.

 

Recently I have gotten ahead of myself, projecting into the future,

playing the “What If?” game.

I learned fear serves a purpose, it teaches us to come back to now, to the present moment and use the fear to tune into our feelings to make decisions.

I began floating on cloud nine, tuning into my feelings for everything.

I saw signs everywhere and felt so connected.

I knew Don was with me always on this earth or not and felt him talk to me as I walked the halls of Presbyterian Hospital while he rested in his room.

 

I got a bit lost in all of it, and lost my grounding and my focus on the other component of tuning into now: being in your body.

Being in this world but not of it.

I needed grounding.

And so from my adrenaline high, I came “crashing down”

into my body.

Anxiety and panic brought me back to my body and to pay attention.

Yet, anxiety and panic fed into the “Waht if game” along with people telling me, it is normal to have panic attacks after a crisis and hearing “you may have them for a long time, even 3 weeks”.

 

It is all good. I needed to hear all of it.

It brought me to take care of my body more. To stop and refocus.

And then as I took care of my body more, with nourishing foods, going to acupuncturist, drinking more water, paying attention to possible blood sugar issues, and taking some herbs when necessary to help with the anxiety.

And of course the trusting that this is a process, and there will be stages but I can’t pretend to know what it looks like, even if I have “signs” coming to me.

I can say, “Isn’t that interesting.” hold onto the vibration of the positive and stay here and now and not focused on the future.

 

Much harder to do than it sounds.

Tuning in to my other needs, my spiritual connection needs was as important as taking care of my body. I talked to the people who I most connect to spiritually.

It all brought me back to focus and to more energy work.

And the EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) brought me back to myself again last night. After having two nights with panic attacks with me way outside my comfort zone, I was anxious about the night and sleeping.

It all tuned me in to what work I needed to do with EFT, to release my fears and let go of doubt, guilt and limitation. I began to incorporate what I had learned with the anxiety and panic attacks. I had difficulty going to sleep, and so I connected on facebook by posting my truth and checking email and messages to be in the here and now and receive the love and prayers that others were sending me.

When I woke up after short sleep, and noticed I felt dry and thirsty and a bit of low blood sugar signs, I got myself something to eat and drink.

And felt calmer and then wrote more which further connected me.

Back to sleep, still having fears about sleep which I needed to work through and release all the pent up feelings I had been having.

I did EFT while laying in the bed, releasing my emotions with tears, while my three angels slept around me in my room.

It took a bit, but I was able to work through it enough to sleep again.

When I woke, and felt anxious, I allowed the fear to lead me, did research and sought some answers which all brought peace.

 

I woke up with a new greater understanding.

 

You see, yesterday morning, when I woke up, I was ready to see the reality of cardiac arrest.

(more later)

Dramatic Gratitude

I am grateful for Dar Draper and Bee Creative and Company.

Last night we enjoyed three fabulous plays performed by children who ranged in age from roughly 5 through 16.   The best part of the performances was the fact that for the previous 10 weeks, these children spent time in an environment of love and encouragement with the only expectation that they explore their gifts and talents.

My family and I have enjoyed watching these wonderful performances over the years.  Seven and a half years ago, we all sat and watched an evening of Bee Creative Plays to which my 6-year-old son replied, “I want to do that.”

The next spring we signed him up to participate.   My son has participated in her drama classes numerous times over the past 7 years.  My daughter has also been involved in a few classes and both kids have attended Bee Creative Summer Camp.  The past two years, my oldest has enjoyed being a camp counselor at summer camp.  Now my youngest child has enjoyed watching his siblings perform and tells us that he want to do drama classes too.

It has been fun to watch my oldest son grow over the past 7 years from a young child enjoying drama classes and his first on stage production as the hare in   Dar’s version of ”The Tortoise and the Hare’ to his portrayal last night of the detective in ‘Robin the Hood’.  The fun thing about Dar’s plays is that she creates them with the children in her classes.  I have seen my son’s theater participation carry over into other areas of his life as evidenced by his ability to speak easily in front of others, selling Boy Scout Popcorn and being able to speak in front of a large group of people as well.   He has participated in other area theater programs as well over the years, but Dar and Bee Creative has always been his favorite.

It was a lot of fun when my then four-year old daughter, finally, got to participate in a drama class and a performance along with her big brother.  She has particularly liked summer camps where she has the opportunity to explore many of her gifts and talents, like art, dance.  She has been interested in participating in classes again recently but has been unable to do so due to her dance class schedule.   All of my children have a flair for the dramatic and it is fun to give them an outlet in an encouraging and fun environment.

And so today, I want to thank Dar and everyone who has been involved in Bee Creative over the years.  I have really enjoyed watching the plays over the years and participating vicariously through my children as I helped them with their lines.

Bee Creative celebrates its 10th anniversary this coming spring.  There will be new drama classes beginning in January of 2012.  Does you child need a dramatic outlet?  If you live anywhere near Concord, NC, check them out!

Happy 14th Birthday Harrison!

I am grateful for my son, Harrison,who celebrates his 14th birthday today.

Happy Birthday, Harrison!

I am grateful for the past 14 years with him in my life and the 9 months before he arrived.  I am grateful for the easy pregnancy I had with him.  I am grateful for becoming a mother exactly when I did.

I am grateful for his interests, passions and collections over the years:

balloons

stop signs

all road signs

electricity and electric switch plates

theater: performing in plays

cars

computers

Pokemon

Apple

photography…..

And all his interests yet to come

I am grateful for:

His love of his siblings, being a concerned and cautious big brother

His laugh

Watching him laugh at a funny movie.  I find movies so much funnier when I can watch them with him.

I am grateful for how confident he is and has always been.  He knows who he is and doesn’t worry what other people think.  He is who he is an I love him for it!

He reminds me to be who I am and I am so grateful to him for that.

I am grateful that he did learn to walk at 16 month of age even though we never enrolled him in ‘walking school’ nor bought any walking curriculum. (sure I am an OT but even as a new parent, I knew what was to come and never encouraged walking and enjoyed him crawling)

I am grateful for him leading us to unschooling by following his lead with his interests at a young age.

I am grateful that he did learn to sleep- even though we did not enroll him in the hard knocks school of “teaching your child to sleep” and he learned to talk without a curriculum and he learned to eat without school…..I could go on but I will spare you the lecture undertone and him the embarrassment.

I am grateful that I can say whatever I want on my blog, and no one will cover it in sticky notes with corrections and there won’t be an audit on it and no one will give it a grade or ask me to re-write it.

I am grateful to my son Harrison for his sense of humor and ability to laugh at himself (and at me) and knowing he won’t be offended by my blog.

I am grateful for all the time I have had over the past 14 years to spend with him and for our time connecting and for me being a part of his life and his world and for the amazing teenager that he is now.

I am grateful for Harrison coming into my life and for being my first-born and my son.  I am grateful for the role he plays as an older brother to his younger siblings and his roles as cousin, nephew, grandson…..in all he does, he is always himself.  I am grateful for his authenticity and unique point of view.

I am grateful to Harrison for learning all about Ning and helping me, literally to start my first Ning website which led to the launch of Charlottehomeschooling.com.  I am grateful to all the technical help he has provided me over the years.  And I see this into our future as well…..

I am grateful to my son Harrison for being who he is!  I am grateful that he is able to follow his interests and will love him no matter where life takes him and where he takes life… and will always be proud to call him my son.

The “is not” and the question

Today I  am challenged by my daily posting gratitude challenge.  I missed a post yesterday and at least one other day.

The idea of having a post every single day was a big motivating factor and since I have not quite done that, it takes away some from the moment.  Not that I want to give up, not at all because I am writing blogs far more than I ever have.

So, today, I can be grateful for the is not….

When I have an off day or things don’t go as planned or I am  disappointed for whatever reason, it can be difficult to be grateful and even more difficult to write.   Yet, here I am creating a blog post when I had no idea what I was going to say.

The is not helps us to see the is.

I showed up.  I showed up to write even when I did not know what I was going to say and when I did not really feel like saying anything.  I think it is important to write even when I don’t feel like it.  It can be eye opening to write when I don’t know what I am going to say. Sure, I often find meaning in my writing as I am writing it, yet to feel lost and have no idea and then to write, can bring such clarity.  Or at least it brings honesty.  Here I am.  I just spent time watching the last two Gray’s Anatomy episodes.  I don’t watch much TV these days but somehow I am drawn to that show and enjoy following along in the series and keeping up with the happenings by watching it online.   It is a break for me.  A break from my real life, from motherhood, from being a wife, from homeschooling, from all the drama and happenings of my day-to-day life.

After my husband went in the hospital, I saw how unrealistic the show really is.  Doctors don’t have time for all the personal attention that they are seen giving patients on Gray’s Anatomy not to mention the fact that many modern hospitals are so departmentalized  and there is no way a doctor would be able to be in so many places like they are on the show.  I wasn’t as interested in watching the show for a while.  Yet, here I am watching it again.  I enjoy the personal relationships aspect of the show and yes, the excitement of medical trauma.  I used to work at a physical rehabilitation hospital, not exactly emergency medicine, but the what happens next, after the initial trauma.  It was exciting to see patients come to us in a coma and after months of therapy, leave, often walking.  It was what went on in between that initial evaluation and their discharge from rehab that was exciting.  Helping people wake up and regain function after being in a coma is far more involved and far more exciting than is portrayed in most movies.  It is a long, slow process but rewarding.

It has been over 16 years since I last worked at the rehabilitation hospital.  I moved on  from there to work in nursing homes and later home health care to have a less stressful schedule, more flexibility and I will be honest, better pay.  But I think back to those first 2 1/2 years of my career as an Occupational Therapist and remember the time fondly.   I learned a lot in that time and appreciate that job far more since having worked other places.  I was fresh out of school and much to learn in my field and in life.  I was 23 and single and had just moved 600 miles from home to start my adult life.

Next week marks the 19th anniversary of my moving from Pennsylvania to North Carolina to begin my adult life.

Would I have imagined my life the way it is now back then?

I think I will leave that question for another blog.

Today, I am grateful for the question.