I sleep maybe 2 or 3 hours and then lay there with so many things going through my mind so I get up to get something done because there are many things to do.
Wednesday, less than one week ago, May 4,2011, my 52 year old husband of almost 17 years had a sudden unexpected major heart attack. 911, cardiac arrest at home, with Thank God, the medics at our house before he arrested.
Just thinking about it again puts my stomach in knots and my body’s anxiety response is to send everything out the other end! This was not helpful when I arrived at the ER, having left about 15 minutes after the ambulance did as I waited on a friend to take me and my three children, ages 2, 9 and 13, and I had to run to the bathroom before I even asked about my husband at the front desk. Not a time to be regular.
It is May 10 as I write this very early in am. and after he barely survived and then had 2 stints placed in fully blocked cornary arteries and finally getting out of CCU the other day, he will be going to the Cath Lab again this morning sometime to have one more stint placed in an artery that is about 75% blocked. And once again I am scared #%$#…. less.
It feels so good to write about this. I am making myself write this blog and continue to keep blogging because I know I need that. I always need to write about my life, journal or blog and have been “wanting to” blog more but now I am doing it. Just have to.
It has been a whirlwind experience that began with shock that left me in a funky adrenaline hyped up state of crazy calm. I look back on those first hours and wonder why I wasn’t crying my eyes out, I didn’t even cry at all…I think until I was driving back to the CCU the next morning at 5:45am alone in the car with my kids asleep at home with my parents. Seams crazy every time I think about it.
My husband is my best friend and soul mate and has been since we met over 18 years ago, March of 1993 at a Catholic Singles dinner and night club outing. We got engaged in November of 1993 and married May 14, 1994. Almost exactly 17 years ago. Which is the last time he was in the hospital and only time other than when he was born. He had some kind of food reaction on our honeymoon while we were on one of the San Juan Islands off the coast of Seattle and because there is no hospital on the island, they helicoptered him to the hospital, leaving me on the island to take the first ferry the next morning to see him.
His brothers had all gotten sick on their wedding, honeymoons and we joked he was just trying to out due them. His 3 older brothers.
There is so much I need to write about and say and I tremble writing this, wondering if my kids will wake up and nervous because I want them to all be asleep when I have to leave at 6am to drive the 30 minutes to the hospital where he is to be there before he goes back into the Cath Lab. I know the Cath Lab saved his life and his wonderful Cardiologist (he never had one until this) yet, thinking about going back up to the Cath Lab waiting area makes me cringe. It’s like bringing it all back again. And once again, my body’s anxiety response is to send the %$&* flying out of me.